Oscillation between two mind sets

[creative_writer]

@Radarears I need to get headphones too. Sensory overload adds to the stress I’m already experiencing. I am often exhausted after I come back from the outside world. There is too much noise, the lights are so bright.

It really sucks to rely on PRNs, I just took some last night and again this morning. It hadn’t been 24 hours. I just needed them to slow down. I’m in a darkened room right now to prevent myself from being overstimulated, my head is also feeling a bit heavy.

We are always here for you on the forums. It helps to be able to talk to peers one can relate to

[Radarears]

I feel as though I'm reading my own blog.  I've just completed emdr session #11.  It's been a lengthy epic battle to gain the stability to resume the treatments.  Long gap between #1 then #2 and #3.  I then had to basically do the rest in the last 6 months because each time threw up a new issue.  Apparently some people feel relaxed after it.  Brutal, horrendous, gruelling, exhausting, debilitating, depleting.  Wish it on everyone's worst enemy.  Not having informal or formal supports at crucial moments has been responsible for some la la land moments.  However for me it's the only effective way I have to achieve some sense of peace even if only for brief periods of time.  

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Yeah slept okay, had one of those kinda off-putting wake ups where my eyes opened and I was just ~ a w a k e ~ very suddenly, no snoozles or hunkering down into my blankets, apparently my brain just wanted to get the day going 😅 

I'm sorry to hear that today got you with the heavy head and heavy feels. I hope the darkness helps. When you're in sensory overwhelm, are there still self-care or self-soothing tools you can access or are they likely to add to the overwhelm for you? I'm just curious. 

@Radarears howdy! Dunno if we've met proper, so pleasure to meet ya 😁 I just wanted to say I HARD RELATE to what you said about managing with humour and an over-active imagination! 

Oh wow, thanks for sharing about your EMDR experiences. Sounds like an absolute slog, but also glad it is having a positive impact for you! Have you still got a ways to go or nearly donezo?

[Radarears]

I live in hope that I've unearthed every trauma, but nope there's still more to come.  Some are so bad that they need a few goes to move things along.  

Good to know that there are others like me.  I spend 18 to 20 hours a day managing, monitoring, doing the recovery and rehab.  The psychologist refers to it as neuroplasticity and my focus atm is reconnecting the 2 hemispheres of my brain.  They separated many long years ago.  Plus teaching that naughty amygdala how to behave.

[Jynx]

It's full on hey @Radarears - you're obviously putting a lot of work in! Yeah neuroplasticity is incredible hey, it was such a beacon of hope for me when I learned about it. Like, you mean to say I'm not actually stuck like this forever? Incredible. 

Oh PS, just a lil tip! If you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, and it will show up in blue, like this: @Radarears 

[creative_writer]

@Radarears EMDR can be really exhausting and it can be hard. It's common for it to bring some stuff up. When I did EMDR I would find myself feeling relaxed afterwards but then things may surface hours later. Getting some sense of peace, for no matter how brief, is still a positive.

@JynxI go underneath the covers to self soothe. Under my soft fluffy fleecey blanket. I feels warm and cozy inside. I just had my pdoc appointment, I got pretty heightened, I have so much inner rage. I thought I could hear emotions surfacing in my pdoc's voice.

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aww yissss get COSY darlin, sounds so lush. 

Ach, that sounds heavy. So your pdoc was getting emotional too, is that what you observed? I hope you were able to express some of the rage in a safe way hun. Such a powerful emotion. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I observe my supports very closely. From the tone of my pdoc’s voice, I could tell he was feeling a bit emotional. Everyone is human at the end of the day. I don’t think I’ve really realised the extent of the rage until recently

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I'm also curious about how it left you feeling, having heard that emotion in your pdoc's voice. 

Yeah rage is a pretty complex emotion... often it's a secondary emotion (emerging from deep pain or grief, for instance) and is tangled up in our 'Fight' response. In my experience it can also emerge as a response to injustice. It's also one of, if not the most stigmatised emotion, because people so frequently associate rage with aggression. That's a big realisation to have hey! Definitely one to explore, when you're ready.

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I don’t think I’ve heard this much emotion in his voice. I’ve had other supports show emotion during therapy, like my current psych has gotten teary eyed, and I once had a therapist who had to take a feel deep breaths after I told him about SA. In a way I feel like the human side does help me feel more connected. I actually once had a therapist who I suspect had his own history of trauma, because it felt like he felt me, though he didn’t outwardly say it.

A lot of the rage actually comes from feeling the need to push emotions aside and shut down because nobody could handle it. Yes, trauma itself was hurtful. But feeling like you had to keep going and pretend it didn’t happen was exhausting, and I have come to the realisation it may have fed into my mood disorder and chronic pain for all these years. I have sacrificed so much so other people felt comfortable. I had shed so many tears alone and cried in bed alone, trying to be the best daughter and sister I could be