OMG whats with the Drop in service hold music, please please a labotomy Ill help JK. I did write similar in feedback. Id love there to be an estimated hold time notification as well, you never know how long until you will speak to someone. Im on hold now, got bored decided to write.
Anyhow, I went and saw my sister today, first time since everything happened. She gave me a huge hug and appologised. Of course I said shes sick so its not a matter of an appology but getting her better. We talked for a while, she cant remember a few days leading up to what happened to waking up in hospital. She spent most of yesterday convinced the nurses were conspiring against her, that I was down with pictures of her squishmellow (toys) collections and we were all laughing at her and her GP was down and I cant remember how but was involved. She was convinced that she had destroyed her career (GP) and she was seeing things in a painting on the wall, I wont go into here so post not blocked.
I have psychotic features and know about what she is experiencing. When it was just me it sucked, people, family didnt understand but my little sister experiencing it really upset me. It can be so scary and so lonely, even if you have support in the moment you're alone facing this demon that you dont understand but seems so real. And now my sister is facing it and I know that there will be little I can do to protect her.
I spoke to SANE tonight, we kinds glanced over the reoccuring vision, but he did say they dont deal with truma. I feel better about the attemps, not better just less angry/hurt, who knows maybe that will help me sleep tonight.
Sleep is a real issue at the moment, if I get 4 hours Ive done well but then I have trips to town to see my sister, cleaning the house, normal life etc. Doing all that on 4 hours sleep is difficult. 4 hours seems ok for many, but 8 for me is a poor sleep. 10hours is more where its at for me, ever since I started being medicated. As I write this is 6:30pm, by now I would be doing tea, have had my meds etc. Since the event its been closer to tea at 9 and meds just before and then waiting as long as I can, until I am litterally staggering so I can lay down and go to sleep, less or no reoccuring images for a few hours. Its wreaking havok on my routine and sleep cycle.
The good news is tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP. Im going to be very appologetic. Normally I try to keep my appointments to 15 min as thats all I could get, often it went over for one reason or another but this time it will defenantly be a long one. So I desperately need to see my psychologist but I need some form to continue seeing her (some dumb regulation). I also (an reason for visit) need a referral for a Psychiatrist. I also need a pain medication and I want to talk to her about my sleep. I need to get some repeats but Ill do that in my next visit. I keep a list of things I need to talk to my GP about, I just add and mark off whats done. Ive sorted a heap of long appointments so that will help get through some stuff.
When I get this form for the Psychologist I will send it myself as well along with an email explaining whats going on and if I can see her really soon, like in the next few hours lol. Im hoping that will help get an urgent time. My Psychologist has said she works when needed so hopefully Ill get lucky.
I go out the back alot because I smoke too much but I was just outside and I remarked how lovely and relaxing it is but inside its like one of those carnival things that astronauts apparently used, the one with a circle within a circle within a circle. My insides are like one of them running at top speed and then I turn to go inside and its like stepping into a g simulator going just slow enough that I dont pass out. All the time my mind is being run by my purple monkey (what I call my negative mental health) and its basically doing trying to clap with one hand and scratch the bottom of its foot with the other, though a purple monkey might be able to pull that off. Sorry that might be a bit too much of the inner working of my mind, but it is certainly having a moment of late
The cracks arent appearing as often lately, I cant tell if thats a good thing or bad. I do kinda feel like I am getting my last chance to jump into them and go to the real world. Mum and Dad seem less like impostors, but Im still not sure they are real, like most. Its weird the only person I am convinced is real is my sister. Medication is still an issue, Im still pretty sure its poisoned, I am still taking it, I am tired and feel pretty lousy so who knows maybe it is the meds. Either that or its a tracker which is why I need it twice a day
