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Something’s not right

ClockFace
Senior Contributor

Sleep and thoughts kinda wondered. Weird post, sorry

I went to bed last night quite late last night, well late for me, 9:30pm. Ive been pushing how late I can stay up so that my meds are welll and truely kicked in, so I am basically asleep before my head hits the pillow. I dont want to think about whats happening and now I dont want to have the repeated visions of finding my sister unresponsive.
 
I woke at a bit after 1 not able to sleep anymore. I did a few bits and pieces, I took a med too help calm down, it did but not enough to sleep. Eventually ringing beyond blue who well, SANE is a lot better. I ended up taking another med that I used to be on as I was desperate for sleep. I dont know how wise an idea it was but I did fall asleep around. I woke around 10 but I was not right, like I was mostly still asleep but wondering around. I went back to bed and slept until a bit after 2pm.
 
I woke up and immeditely I felt unwell, like really shit. I realised I hadnt my morning medication which never leaves me feeling good after a while. I get really light headed, wonky, just not right in the head. Ive had my morning meds, so I should feel less out of it in a few hours, just in time to take my night meds, which I will take later than normal.
 
I do know that taking the last medication I took was not intelligent, I took more than I used to be prescribed but far less than I once was, but I had no idea how it would interact with my new medications. It was a desperate attempt to sleep and nothing more, I assure you. Sadly/scarily if I wanted anything more I have so many medications, far stronger, that I have access to.
 
The question around if I am depressed has come up and I dont know if I have talked about it on here but I am more numb than anything else. If I sat down and did a questionaire it would probably say im undoubtedly depressed, but Im not crying, Im not curled up in bed, Im not suicidal or wanting to self harm. Im just numb.
 
I will admit my selfcare is very much lacking. If I was maintaining my routines its less of an issue but I am either unable/interupted or sleep through. Showering and brushing my teeth are all but impossible. Its so hard, I say its too much effort or some other reason but its just hard.
 
Eating is weird, I always have my tea as one of my meds need 350cal with the med for it to work but I dont often eat other than that. If I do its crap, eating during the night, normally cereal or I just go overboard and end up feeling sick.
 
I know for the most part I have to get back into my routines to get my selfcare back in check and now while my sister is in hospital is a great opportunity, but it is also a great opportunity to sleep if I could but rest if not. Its a chance for some downtime and showering etc doesnt seem like downtime but more work.
 
My sister has been cleared from the medcial team and transferred to the Mental Health team, which to my mind indicates she is going to get more substantial help. She has been in since Thursday night so thats longer than she has had before. Her treating psych called me to talk on Friday and indicated that he was unconvinced by the diagnosis of BPD, given that it came on suddenly. So I am hoping they are re-assessing her. I did speak to her briefly, she sounded heavily medicated, she had no idea what was going on and was worried that she had hurt someone. So I re-rang the hospital and asked if a doctor would call me back.
 
I know this is mentally taking a significant toll on me. My Dad went down to take her some clothes etc Friday so I didnt have too. We both took yesterday off but my Dad was going to go down today. He has now changed his mind and he isnt going down, given my state due to medication and sleep I cant, though I was going to try but thought better of it. Dad does this often and wonders why people get lets say frustrated but starting with a p. Someone needs to go down and see what they are doing treatment wise, they less than keen in telling me eventhough I am her brother, primary contact and emergency contact. He is wanting me to take a break froom it all but he isnt stepping up in my place.
 
I will say, despite my frustrations with them, my Dad has spent time today cleaning, meaning I dont have to. Though stopped short of taking out a very full rubbish bag, recycling and cans. He has also lent me money to live on while Im on unpaid leave. Again, stopping short of taking some of the burden given that I am looking after his daughter.
 
Mum is sick, though could be far better and far more effective around the house if she followed the doctors orders, a point I get stuck on.
 
Both could do with a health dose of understanding when it comes to mental health. I mean I told my Mum that I was on the phone to Beyond Blue at 5am or whatever it was and there was nothing, it was as if I had said that I was asleep. She would be more responsive if I had said I was drinking whiskey. They see the physical result of the illness and try to stop that but dont ever address or acknowledge the inner aspect of the illness, even going so far as to push the boundries of the inner aspects and getting upset when there is an external response. For example, my anxiety. I dont like lots of people or cars, I deal better going in to do my shopping etc early morning. But Mum will try and get me to go in the afternoon, evening and after multiple times being told no I get grumpy and she wonders why. Shes not looking at the anxiety and the disrespect of that or the boundries Ive set. She has a general attitude that my mental illness is an excuse not a real problem and I suspect the same will happen with my sister.
 
It has with my Dad already, he treats it like she has a choice in what she is doing. I dunno, maybe there is an element of choice but for my part she is sick, its an illness and if she acts soon enough there is a chance she can stop the train to an attempt but she is missing that ability to stop the train. I think this is a taught thing, you know call someone etc. I dont know but I am very confident that its a sickness and she isnt fully in control. I used to say that suicide is the outcome of an untreated illness. It would be good if my Dad realised it, be mad, im mad and hurt, but know its not her and her choice.
 
My sister has always been much more understanding of my MH, she has PTSD, Anxiety and Depression (prior to this event) so she had an understanding. But would push the boundries of her issues to do stuff for herself and others. She expected the same from me, a little discomfort for others. She never understood how serious that could be for me, how that, if left unchecked, it could have serious implications for me, as being demonstated lately.
 
I think now, or soon, once she is over the self centred phase of this, she will start to appreciate that boundries are needed to protect yourself. I and she will, break those boundries for something we want/need but we will be in a state where we feel it safe to do so but also not be doing it regularly or forced into doing it, especially when not in a position to do so. Our boundries are like out mediation, you dont go without them and you cant go without boundries and upholding them. Medication only mitigates our illness so much, its not a cure and doesnt even (at least in my experience) stop all the effects of our illness(es). Boundries dont stop the effects or cure the illness either, but they do protect you from triggers, from events that may increase or cause a reaction associated with your illness.
 
Im a bit all over the place today, Im sorry. Im feeling a bit scatter brained and Im not feeling quite right faculties wise so Im not sure what path Im on as I write so I hope it wasnt too hard a read.
 
I was going to say that you could probably expect another post tonight but its 6:30pm (I started this at like 3pm) and as I said not exactly myself so I am quite tempted to have my medications and going back to bed.
5 REPLIES 5

Re: Sleep and thoughts kinda wondered. Weird post, sorry

Hi @ClockFace 

How are you? Have you had some decent sleep? Have things with your family been addressed? Contact us (sane.org) by any means. we're here for you.

Re: Sleep and thoughts kinda wondered. Weird post, sorry

@Blackbird11 

Hey, sleep is all kinds of messed up sadly, it hasnt been good for ages but I started a new antipsychotic a few days ago and I have been having heaps of trouble sleeping since being on it. Sleeping regularly and consistantly. Last night I managed 2 hours, I had a nap during the day of another couple hours. I do think I have a chance of getting a decent sleep tonight because I have really hit a wall, Im so knackered. But, Im as likely to take my next dose and not be able to sleep. Hopefully that settles over the next little while and I get back into a normal sleeping pattern again. 

With the family, its difficult. Ive spent a fair amount of time thinking and writing about it. Ive talked to my SANE councillor as well. Ive tried to remain as objective as possible, Im not really apart of the family as it is anymore. I moved out of home for a bit over a decade and I worked, ran a business and I was pretty heavily involved in a church (Im not involved in anything religious anymore), I was in senior leadership before I left. I lived quite a distance from my family and I didnt spend a lot of time with them as a result. During this time, the family dynamic had dramatically changed as had I. I wasnt willing to be forced to bow to my Mums wishes all the time. Much is very much a control freak and I just dont deal with that anymore, I wouldnt conform to the new dynamic. So, now days I look at stuff almost as an outsider looking in. Ive taken to spending atleast an hour or so with Mum each day and we just talk about all sorts. When we do talk though, unlike my sister and Dad, Im pretty honest and direct. I will tell her how I feel about things, even if it will upset her, I dont do it to upset her but Im also not going to shy away from telling Mum that I feel like she abandoned me in favor of my sister. My sister has had injuries, illnesses and some very trumatic events in her life. Mum regardless of what I was going through, was by my sisters side through those things but even inbetween them. Mum has said that she expected my Dad to be there for me while she looked after my sister but I challenged this. Dad has never been the one to be there for any of us, as a father he was a provider and stood as spiritual leader within the house and to an extent the church we went to growing up. Providing emotional support etc was the realm of my Mum. So when Mum says she left me to Dad, I call her out and say that she would know I would not get the support I needed from him. So I feel she abandoned me, she left me with someone who wasnt there and wouldnt be, in favor of smothering my sister with her time, support etc. This is effectively how things continue to be even though I have pointed it out, my Mum agrees with me, everything Im going through and that my sister has stolen tens of thousands of dollars from her and Dad. In my Mums eyes, my sister cant do anything that will stop her overwhelmingly being there for her, having her back. But the same, she wont do for me. That said, I have said to dad that I think Mum is going to far and that she is doing a disservice to my sister. When my parents pass away, she will be left to handle life on her own, she will be forced to accept responcibility for her actions or inactions. She wont have the skills or experience to deal with life on her own and Im not well enough to be that unconditional support and financial reserve for when she has bought too many handbags and cant afford her medical care. 

Talking to Mum isnt all telling her how what she did or didnt do when I was growing up messed me up or made me who I  am. We talk about all sorts of things, I talk about my thoughts and opinions, my philosophies, like the one where I dont regret who I am. This doesnt mean I love everything that has happened to me or even everything about who I am now. It means, I accept all those things, and I make the concious decision to not regret who those events and experiences have made me. This then allows me to better view my life, view who and why I am who I am and to make decisions as to what I want to improve upon, knowing why I am the way I am helps identify what I need to address to allow me to make the improvements I want to achieve. 

Dad and I have been talking as well and its much the same, just different versions of the same stories. 

 

So, things have improved I think, I took that step forward and the dynamic has changed. Its not all peaches and cream and Id rather not live here, but I cant afford to move out, even if I worked fulltime again, I didnt smoke, I lived the most frugal life, my basic medical costs, on top of normal life costs, I just couldnt do it. 

 

Hows things with you? Are you feeling better?

Re: Sleep and thoughts kinda wondered. Weird post, sorry

Hi @ClockFace 

Hope you had a decent sleep, and that things settle back into a relative good routine. I went through a period where sleep was minimal and it's just so hard to function, with no sleep.

I'm pleased to hear you are in touch with a SANE counsellor. I get very little emotional support from my Dad who is a spiritual leader in our lives. It hurts and hard to manage his avoidance. I'm glad to hear you advocating for yourself where you can, it's not an easy thing to do. It sounds like a tough situation.  Just want you to know we're glad you're here and you are important. 

 

I am fully recovered from COVID-19 just an occasional dry cough. Thank you for your concern. 

Re: Sleep and thoughts kinda wondered. Weird post, sorry

@Blackbird11 

Glad to hear you've recovered, its a really unpleasant illness. 

 

Growing up Dad was very useless when it came to anything emotional and mental illness stuff. Mum suffered from depression really badly and he just had no idea. She ended up in a facility for 19 weeks when I was in year 7. We kids were left to deal with her and her problems as often as not. I remember making my lunch, with my sister who was a couple grades lower and  walking to school, leaving Mum crying on the couch and getting home after school and she was still laying on the couch crying. Even with her like that, he worked and did as much work as he could, when he came home he did church stuff and worked around the house, almost like nothing was happening. I dont remember ever, even after she went to the facility, Dad sat down and explained what was going on to us kids. Probably because he didnt know or understand. 

 

That said, over the years he has gotten better at dealing with mental illness with all of us, to an extent. He still doesnt understand, it still makes no sense to him but he tries. He will sit and listen to us, its on his terms though, when he feels like it, not neccessarily when its needed, certainly not in the heat of an episode/issue. He still doesnt believe it should get in the way of work, he doesnt understand how we cant put it aside until after work or on the weekend. I also think that if your wife has depression for all these years, your son has a brief psychotic episode and you sat with him in ER and saw how he was after that, the near catatonic state he was in and your daughter attempts to commit suicide twice after years of selfharming. Not to mention you have twice had episodes that rendered you incapacitated for long periods and you're scared that if you have another that will be the end, you wont come back from it. With all that, you would think he would learn about mental health, he would make himself understand and appreciate it.

Sadly I do think the whole religion/spiritual leader thing has a considerable impact on peoples perception and enforces a way of thinking about mental health. We were brought up pentecostal, so very much a spiritual focused christian belief system. The perception of mental health was (when I was young at least) still stuck in the whole demonic influence side of things. I think Dad still has this view, I think that there is an element for him that my/their whole crappy situation is demonic influence and that we have actually invited that in. Personally, its not something I buy into. I have no idea if the devil, demons, angels and God exist, I no longer know what I believe in that respect, but I dont believe that I or my family are of any significance that would justify putting any effort into destroying me and my family. I just think shit happens and coincidentally shit has happened to each of us. 

Its really hard when your family members cant come to the party and provide support, any kind of support for your mental health and/or general health issues. They are the people who you should be able to count on without question. Even if it conflicts with their beliefs they should still be there for you while you go through that experience. Its even harder for me when their beliefs teach about mercy, love and compassion and they cant show that for you and your situation but they can give it to someone who is not part of the family. Dad has a guy he knows from work before he retired. He  has drug and alcohol addiction issues. He cant be trusted with his medication so he has to go to the chemist each day for his daily medications. My Dad will lend him money, will talk with him about his issues, to an extent he provides him with support that he has never shown me. When Ive had drug and alcohol issues my dad has shown nothing but dissappointment and contempt for me. When I went through alcohol addiction issues a couple years ago, he basically left it to my sister to deal with, down to appointments and treatment. Ive been sober 2 years on the 1st of next month and that is largely down to my sister supporting me.

Re: Sleep and thoughts kinda wondered. Weird post, sorry

Well done for exploring your story with me, I resonate with it and sadly it is a common condition family members can be subjected to under the religious banner. I think there needs to be a space to address religious trauma. There may be some podcasts available addressing this issue. Congratulations on your upcoming sober milestone ️ that is so good.

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