Struggling: TW suicide

[creative_writer]

@tyme life is incredibly strange. Sometimes I feel like I am going backwards. But my emotions have been so suppressed for so long and my meds isn’t doing a reasonable job to stabilise me right now either, or even help manage migraines. Chronic pain is infuriating me right now too. Like I don’t even understand, I’ll feel better in the morning pain wise, but straight after lunch I’ll get this really bad headache, and I have no idea why. It doesn’t even matter what I ate, it’s just been happening. I don’t use even understand the relationship between migraines and mood. Migraines cause mood disturbance, but mood disturbance can trigger migraine. Sounds more like a chicken and egg situation. Besides both things have common triggers/aggravate res like poor sleep. I feel like sleeping all the time these days, so I doubt my sleep quality is good. I swear most of my migraines have probably been me in an non average mood. Extreme emotions, whether negative or positive are not good for it. Strangely enough, one of my mood meds is also prescribed for migraines. There is a definite link.

It’s a mixture of both. I sometimes cook but sometimes I eat whatever they make. Sometimes I’m more bothered, other times not so much.

[tyme]

@creative_writer - makes sense. Having been emotionally suppressed myself, I've learnt how damaging it can be.

I think that's why I speak to my nieces and nephews a lot about emotions etc.

[creative_writer]

@tyme it is very damaging, not only emotionally but biologically. It's the perfect storm for triggering/worsening migraines, general pains and mood instability/circadian rhythm regulation issues. Humans are not designed to suppress their emotions but to feel them. So in that sense, it probably makes a lot of sense to be feeling the way I am.

I feel like parents and adults need to be mindful of how they talk about emotions with kids. They are in that sensitive period of their life and learning and absorbing so much. Healing generational trauma starts somewhere, doesn't it?

[tyme]

Most definitely @creative_writer . I absolutely agree. Suppressing emotions can be so damaging. I always thought some emotions were 'bad' and if I felt them, I was a 'bad' person. Conversely, that I should always be 'happy' and because I wasn't always happy, there was something wrong with me. This was so confusing for me. So much so that I suppressed my emotions and disconnected to protect myself. These are the unhelpful behaviours I developed.

I thought all this was 'normal'.... later on, when I could not longer stand to live, I realised this is certainly NOT normal.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I’ve been realising. I think I’ve always been super cautious not to make other people uncomfortable. My mum was very emotional and still is. Though probably has toned down a bit with age, but it was hard. But to be honest, I am scared of triggering an earthquake of emotions in her. Like I’m supposed to protect her. I have felt guilty in some ways, like I am failing her needs to something. Like I spoken about how lonely I felt before, it ended up with her talking and crying about losing grandpa (he passed away when I was a toddler). And then she sort of said, didn’t you know I was very close to my father. Like I was totally not expecting on triggering her. She also spoke about how nobody else can meet those needs she needed, and it got a bit intense, not going to go into it all. It’s like her light flipped and she was angry at me.

[tyme]

Hearing you @creative_writer . They were similar situations as you have describe which caused me to close up. I hardly talked for over 10 years. 

Nowadays, people can't believe I used to barely talk, hardly socialised and lived under the blankets most of my life.

They think I'm the most sociable person - but I'm not. I'm actually quite nervous in social situations. But I know getting out is what I need. I don't want to go back to the way I was.

[tyme]

I'll be hopping off now @creative_writer . Hope you have a good rest. I'll catch up with you later in the week. I can tag you once I'm online 🙂

[creative_writer]

@tyme, when I first started school, I would literally not talk and would refuse to eat and cry. The older kids would try to soothe me and get me to eat. I also got sent to the speech therapist. I think there was a psychological basis, I held a lot of anxiety. A child is naturally going to absorb their mum's anxiety, separation anxiety was bad. But I grew out of it eventually. Though my mum still has separation anxiety from all her kids. I've never been a really sociable person either.

[creative_writer]

Goodnight @tyme 🙂 I hope you have a good week

[creative_writer]

I don’t think I’m okay 🥺. How does one be okay?