@AuntGlow it totally makes sense. I've done the whole...trying to be hard hitting and relentless with it and it hits just hard back. It doesn't work and pushing myself like that triggered the worst panic attacks I've ever had. I'm ready to try something softer. I just have to learn how not to be so hard with myself first. I think it'll be baby steps.
Trying not to judge myself felt weird. I started to judge at first, telling myself that I must look silly rocking back and forth, that I was really starting to lose the "plot" now, but actually kinda stopped to remind myself that no one could see me, so it didn't matter. No one was there to judge me, so maybe I could try not judging myself.
The angry part was coming from a place of being tired of keeping it all together, but also...not being able to take the time to just rest becsude of other things in my life, other commitments, other people's expectations. Also...maybe not feeling seen or heard or valued too.
I would love to hear about your chat, if you're comfortable with sharing with me.
My counsellor and I talked this week about setting boundaries. Boundaries with my brother around the rug rat. I feel guilty prioritising my needs, I feel guilty saying no to him because I need space and time and to take care of myself. He told me that he needs me to pick her up every day after work this week and next and I had her until 10 pm on Sunday night. And not being able to set a boundary with him is actually really getting to me, because I'm just...I'm exhausted and brain foggy and emotional and I need space and time to rest and deal with me. I also have an assignment coming up that I can't do with a 2 year old - and coping with study on top of everything else, well we've talked about how that's going.
She also had me fill out a self-care assessment worksheet. Because she said...if setting a boundary with my brother is too hard at the moment, then I need to schedule in time for me. Which is what @tyme and I have talked about before. I have to work towards scheduling in some self-care before our next session, even if it's 10 minutes a day, or a couple of times a week. Maybe our conversation and the conversation with my counsellor is heading down kind of a similar path?
But also maybe you're suggesting maybe focusing on a thought and trying to soften it? Like maybe just taking one thought and looking for a softer way of thinking it? Like taking the whole..."you're a failure, you're failing everyone and everything" thought and turning it into..."you're trying your best."
Though...that didn't feel right and I actually screwed my nose up at it.
Could be totally off track though? I look forward to chatting with you more about it on Sunday.
