I can't escape

[The-red-centaur]

My past has a way of dragging behind me, its like a chain I can't escape. No matter how well im doing, or how much my life has improved and changed, or all the work I did on myself to cope; the scars dont go, the physical and the invisible ones. I can't pull away from it all. 

There are things I can't forget, no matter how much I distract from it. I wish I could erase the first 30 years of my life. I went from bad situations to worse ones in a constant cycle of trying to escape. Im done running now but I can't escape my mind. 

Due to my trauma and trust issues I find letting people in really hard. I wish I had people I could confide in and share life with. Im not usually lonely, I have amazing support workers and ndis practitioners. Having these has changed my life, but I still dont open up and express my feelings well, and I dont talk about my trauma. 

I wish I could just let it all out, it has built into a weight I can't drag and I can't escape.

I dont know where I would even begin to tell someone what I've been through. I dont want their pity, I dont want shock and im sorry. I just want to let it out but I can't. I dont want to be burden, but I can't keep keeping in. 

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur , sounds so tough. 

I've followed your life, journey and story for years now, and I know first hand how far you have come. I recognise it hasn't been the easiest journey at all, but I also know you are a fighter.

Remember your strengths and your passion. You love for art and business.

We hear your pain. We sit with you at this time mate.

[Kagirion]

Hello.

I don't know you ("of course?"), but...I really do wish you a LOT of stability, hope, purpose, calm and peace.

I write a lot sometimes and I doubt how much it helps me.

But it must right, at least a little? 

I feel what you've written here is so clear, expansive and powerful.

I believe you must be impressive, perhaps in ways not everyone can recognise.

I am sorry it's all not easier for you.

(Or for me too, but...whatever?)

"I'm new here. Hello."

':3 

[The-red-centaur]

@tyme thanks mate. 

Letting this place into my life has helped unpack things. It has shown me not all humans want to hurt me, and that some do care, even if it is the other side of a keyboard. 

I know moving forward I also have to find people out in the real world. Yes, I have people I play magic with, but due to my health i haven't seen them in a long time. I also rarely interact with them outside of Saturday afternoons. There is also my soccer club which I'm trying to make friends at, but also only see them at training and the game days. 

I don't know how to turn to acquaintances to people I can depend on. My communication skills are terrible. And even as a kid I didn't have friends. 

@Kagirion hi, welcome to the forums. 

I find writing therapeutic, but its been a long time since I wrote or journaled. Maybe I should get back to it. 

Maybe unloading my past on paper is a good first step. 

Im also due to be getting a mh care plan with my gp for a new psychologist next week. There arent many sessions and its for an autism report, but who knows how it will end up. 

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur ,

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you find writing helpful and that you feel you are able to come here to share and 'unload' some of what is going on for you. 

Despite things being tough at times, it sounds like you are doing what you can to get on top of things. This is so important.

I look forward to hearing how your new psych goes. Do you have any reservations about seeing a new psych?

[cdtofi]

Hi there

I have never heard of anyone’s life being a lot like mine before.

I held everything in for 46 years. Then it come bursting out.

But you know I still remember how it felt when I let it go way back then.I had held it in for what seemed like forever.

It was just the best feeling. My body just let go of all the tension I had inside me

I knew there was something different about me I used to see this tragic life unfolding in my childhood in my head. But I did not know that it was my life. I was in a very safe place when I let it out. But it took an act of violence to bring it up & realise I was the one in that life. Just wanted to let you know that I feel that I had held onto it for too long, which was because I thought everything was my fault.
But it’s not our fault. We were children. We were meant to be loved in a good way. I was meant to have people around me that cared. I thought everyone lived like me but I soon found out that was not true. So good luck for when you finally are ready to get them out of your head.

Take care & be kind to yourself 💐🩷

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @cdtofi . It's so helpful when there are people who can connect with what we are going through.

[cdtofi]

Hi again tyme
Yes I also do not have communication skills. So I have no friends, but my dog loves me unconditionally. I have has 3 psychologists in the last 2 years. I just can’t find the right one. I couldn’t get anything out of them. I thought that’s why I was there, but apparently not.
My whole life story is on my iPad. I think you need to release it let it out. It helps me anyway. I know that when I let some of my story out to people that I stopped talking to them. I was just so ashamed. I guess I still am. Wasn’t my fault I should have been protected. I live with so much guilt.
It’s time to let it all go. That’s why I chat to my iPad. Good Luck

FORGIVE ME IF THE MESSAGES COME THRU THAT WERE NOT FINISHED. BUT THEY JUST UP N FLEW AWAY.🤭🤣😂

My dog & my iPad I guess are my best friends 🌹

[tyme]

Hey @cdtofi , I wonder what it'd be like if we form part of your circle of people you can talk to?

Believe it or not, I'm a HOPELESS communicator in real like. I talk so fast, make no sense, blend sentences together, and just jumble everything so there's no head or tail of what I am saying...

I've been on the forums for about 8 years now and I've found that the forums taught me to SLOW down as a way to help me communicate. 

The communication and social skills i've developed on the forums have allowed me to take them back into the real work and practice them - it's actually worked! 

I wonder if this might be similar for you? That is, the forums is a testing ground for the real world in terms of communication?

[andy_707]

hi @The-red-centaur  i don’t know your pain and trauma but writing things down it did help me a little bit through the years. Even if the biggest help was/ is therapy.

When you write you don’t need to read them. 
If you are able to recognise what you feel or what you think just splash it out on paper. 
For years i never read what i wrote.

Finding real people that cares can be difficult but i like to think this world, this society has good people in it and one day some connection will happen.
Big hug to you and keep going 💪🏻