Tough day today, but there's always tomorrow.

[Historylover]

Hey guys, I'm feeling really low and just needed to know that someone is here when I reach out. I don't know where to turn next. I have been doing a course of study, as many will know, but feel that it has run its course. I found out that I 'could have been a contender' and that is a good lesson to learn, but I don't think I can continue. I've really had quite enough. I'm just not enjoying it anymore and it's beginning to feel like a waste of time. I can't help but feel that it is all just a money-making business.

I try to join social groups, but as the newcomer when everyone else knows everyone's business already, I am always milked for private details and that doesn't sit comfortably with me. I value and respect my privacy and show the same to others, but I can't take anymore efforts at failure. Believe me, I have already tried everything. I want to live but the mess that has been made of my life stymies me at every point. If it was possible to get out of this mess, I would have found it. I have tried everything.

I can't live with the memories of what has been done to me. It just makes me perennially sad. I can't reconcile love with hate, gratitude with contempt—for my parents, my daughters, my family, my sibs, my ex-psy...I guess there was never going to be a life worth living for me. I've only ever been the means to others' ends, and my ex-psy then inflicted his mortal wound. 

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for next month. I thought one or two appointments should be enough for me to vent this accumulated distress. It is back in the same clinic that I started this...whatever should I call it?...'journey' so many decades ago. It just seems like the closing of a circuit. I have thought of cancelling it, but I don't seem to have any other options. It used to be just a converted little house, but these days it is a multistorey business. Perhaps I should have bought shares?🤔

I don't know what to do to prolong this agony. I wanted to live a life worth living. I have spent my life doing my best for everyone and being taken for granted. They say that there is help out there, but there isn't. I just recount all of this trauma over and over, then go home and continue living it. What's the point? No-one can change my circumstances. 

No private emails, please. I'm safe.

I just needed to vent this anguish to the only friends I've ever had. I'm feeling so very sad. 

[AussieRecharger]

@Historylover 

I have not spoken to you in ages.. but from your writing, I can see you have made a lot of progress in your life and i don't want this to come across wrong but I genuinely got excited to read all the new things happening in your life. 

I am sorry you are feeling low today but I am glad you are safe.  I have been trying to start studying again and it has been a lot harder this time around and i keep swinging between will i or won't I so I have deferred for 6 months to give myself time to settle down and hopefully set myself up for success. 

People are hard, i have moved to a new town and i have to make new friends all over again and i have to say i have struggled with a bit of loneliness and rejection. I wish i had an answer but it is way harder to find friends the older you get. 

[Historylover]

So good to hear from you, @AussieRecharger. It certainly has been quite a while. I always notice your supportive posts and sensible advice. Yes, I really have made a lot of progress in many areas during these past two+ years. My studies gave me purpose and I was really able to achieve, but I always seem to rub people the wrong way. I don't try to, but disagreeing with people can seem that we are know-it-alls, and that's just not true. I am fully aware that I have a lot to learn, but when we disagree with something being taught then surely opening it up to discussion is the way to go. No. I asked how to disagree without evoking hostility, but there simply is no way. I must learn to just keep my mouth shut, I guess.

I am pleased to read you had been considering returning to study. It really is rewarding to find our feet in education in a way that was not possible earlier. I always turn to YouTube to get a grounding in my next subject area, and it is very helpful when we find a tutor who teaches well. I have found quite a number. In fact, it can be better than online education. Anyway, I don't know what I will do about my studies. I know I'll never finish the course but challenging myself with assignments has been exhilarating. I just am sick of rubbing people the wrong way. It seems that they like a peaceful life and don't question anything they are told. That's not done, in my opinion.

It's good that you have tried a new town. I hope you find a new purpose there. Loneliness is difficult and it is everywhere. For me, I no longer have trust in anyone. I haven't been able to find any reason to. People can be so disrespectful, so gossipy, so two-faced and I feel so vulnerable. I know I will get hurt again. I, too, carry that aura of vulnerability. I'm a good friend to have, but I want the same in return.

[Dimity]

Hello @Historylover I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

You've done very well to persevere with your studies this far. I wonder whether there are other subject offerings... you'll lose much of the rhythm of your week and intellectual stimulation  if you discontinue Are you close to achieving the qualification?

There may be elements of anxiety and trepidation in your approaching psychiatric appointments that are colouring your current taking stock of where you are at. Can you bide your time and ride it out until then?

I may have some understanding of where you're coming from. I had two decades of intensive psychoanalytic psychotherapy with a provider who was ultimately struck off for repeated professional misconduct (not with me). I don't understand transference and countertransference but it was a fraught relationship. I had many setbacks, and some in hindsight were unnecessary.  It was transformative - there was one breakthrough - but at the same time I feel I carry longterm damage. I can't disentangle cause and effect, and underlying illness, in the history of adverse events (especially in my work). It was all a long time ago. I carry the financial and emotional scars and family estrangements that who knows? might have worked out differently if I'd had different treatment. 

All I can say is it's water under the bridge. 

Hugs to you @Historylover . Take care of yourself. Yes indeed, there's always tomorrow. 

Dimity

[Kyle1]

@Historylover 

🫂🫂🤍

Thank you for sharing. 

[Kyle1]

@AussieRecharger 

Just wanted to say hi to you.!

Hope you've had a good day.

[Historylover]

Hello, @Dimity. Thank you for responding, it is always nice to hear from you. Studying may be complex for any number of reasons, and I wonder if others often feel like giving it up from time to time, too. I have been thinking about it a lot these past few weeks, as I finished this 10-week semester at 6 weeks, and maybe I've just had too much time to think. I am only doing one subject per term at the moment, and I was trying to see if I could cope with working up to two. Perhaps I could, but would I be happy with more rushed work? I like good grades! This term has been a bit of a disaster. I not only have rubbed teachers the wrong way, but one teacher is appalling. To be honest, I think teachers have to accept that teaching is challenging, and that sometimes we lock horns. I have great difficulty being docile and saying what they want to hear. That's not being difficult, that's life. Perhaps we all just have to get used to each other. These courses are too expensive to just tolerate. I don't know what I will do. I guess I will have time to think about it. I would certainly miss the opportunity to learn different things.

No, I'm not nearly as far advanced as that, @Dimity. It's a 24-subject course, and I've only done 5 so far. I think I have finally got myself warmed up. I was certainly thrown in the deep end after self-education years ago, so I had to learn everything immediately. I had never done an academic assignment at university level. I was in shock for a while, and it was all consuming. 

As for the psychiatrist next month, it doesn't worry me at all. I worry more about it being a waste of good money. I'm hoping to get value for money. I just need to toss a few things around with someone who, I hope, speaks the same language. The trouble is they all went to different schools. 

Professional misconduct? Yours mustn't have been as adept as covering his trail as mine. Such a disgrace, isn't it? It is the wild west, in my opinion. I'm sorry to read of your treatment also not being as we have a right to expect. You have family estrangements too? Mine are irreconcilable. They were always difficult and needed extensive correction, but he made sure there was no resolution, anywhere.

Well, it's been rather a nice day, weather-wise, today. I enjoyed a nice walk in the sunshine. I used to walk every day but had got out of the habit. It's good to clear our heads outdoors each day. 

Hugs to you, too, @Dimity. I hope I haven't been too maudlin. 😊 You're always so uplifting. ☀️

[Appleblossom]

 @Historylover 

Wish life was better.

Hearing you about socialising and feeling milked for details.  I am embarking on more socialising this year. Not sure how it will go, but there have been some good signs that it will work better.  I am going to work on being more private and assertive and cracking bad jokes, but do not go into my family life, as I do not want to fuel gossip.  So maybe less naive than in the past.

I seem to have made a genuine friend at the church, who acknowledges the problems there but is being a good friend to me.  I have been honest without too much disclosure.

Also hearing you about tertiary study as adults.  It can have a place, but is not the be all and end all, and yes, it is quite expensive, and so the teachers ought take that more seriously, in my book. I have put it on hold, had to send numerous emails and msgs to stop them annoying me to re-enrol as I might win $100 whooppee!  Who is desperate for my money or govt dollars?

I will be very careful before I enrol anywhere again and NOT this year.  I am doing "socialising" study this year. Not expecting bosom buddies. No more deep and meaningfuls, unless they share first, but to the point, genuine respect and mutual healthy activities.  Will see if it works?

We have shared a lot.  Its not been an easy road. 

Take Care

Apple

[Historylover]

Life may not be so bad, @Appleblossom, if there was anything good to look forward to in my future. Not being pessimistic, just realistic. Nothing good can come of my life. I can only try to make the most of an impossibility while I have the strength. And as I get older, the difficulties grow.

I hope your socialising attempts go better than mine. I am trying again, and every time I come home, I vow not to return. The most I can hope for is a short reprieve and I'm tempted to take the opportunity. I ponder it each day. The only trouble is, that is not what I was looking for. I am looking to build a future, not just take life in brief, short-lived instalments because that just leaves me back in the same situation a short time later. As it stands, I feel that I am just being baited to continue until they have what they wanted from me. Then I'll be back on my own again.

I wear an aura that tells others I am vulnerable, and I always feel like a lamb to the slaughter. What to do? I could hope that they see the error of their ways, but I doubt they would do that. I see through their facades. I just hope I may be able to continue for a little while without too much damage.

I am seriously thinking of forgetting about continuing my studies, but I feel like I am achieving something even if I haven't a hope of finishing the course. It's a challenge, and my life needs fruitful challenges. I just don't know what to do instead, at the moment.

Yes, I'm into others sharing first too. And even then, I will be careful. I just have to be ever cautious of being lulled into a false sense of security which is always a risk when you so want it to work out. It's everybody's loss if it doesn't. 

Hope you're doing alright, @Appleblossom.

[Dimity]

You're both braver than I am re socialising @Historylover @Appleblossom . With the last group I tried to join I was questioned about family connections at my first visit,  didn't measure up and was ignored by almost everyone thereafter. It's been a common theme.

I hope you find new challenges @Historylover . Maybe having a more amiable/amenable teacher or two next term would help. I guess it's a big investment of trust, effort, time and fees.

I enjoy walking every day too. We've had nice weather for it.