Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hey @maddison 

I sure do know matchbox 20 and am trying to remember that song...I keep thinking of "Push". 

Are ur legal stuff on the up? 

It was grounding to read U mention U were going through similar stuff and getting through it...thank U for sharing.

The legal stuff was but upsetting but today it's a bit better. I had accessed legal aid and wasn't finding them super helpful. But in the end they seem to have come through.

Its been bit unpredictable and I've just wanted it to be done with.

How are your housing issues going ? Have you done anything nice in this beautiful weather ? Or bought anything nice, for yourself ?

I'm feeling shaky, relieved, unpretty....bit tense, hard to relax...

I'm reading Russel Brands autobiography, My BookyWook lol. And watching Emily, which is a hate watch at times. I think there is some new true crime I want to watch...

I also read a pretty book by an indengous writer but I didn't like it so much. 

I have bought a lot of books lately from the op shop, maybe I'll get to the library and see if I can access some newer books, the hot picks which you have to return in a week. I feel kinda like I wanna read what everyone else is reading.

I hope U are feeling bit better and seeing some hope.

My dr and I spoke about hope and he said there's no basis for it but he has a big vibe and sense I'll get well.

Im bit emotional as I wrote that. I hope you have hope xo

[maddison]

Oh this is so beautiful @EternalFlower I was literally contemplating hope a few hours ago...as in 'does it exist'. I tend to write 'hope you are well etc.' Was thinking, should I say 'May' instead of hope?

Thankyou for sharing with me what your doctor said. That is incredible.....& Credible! I like the words he chose. It's like soul food when someone says something intelligent & kind & helps to believe in oneself. I don't have words like that - I really honour & value when those moments that stop happen. Happy for you...& me for you sharing. Thanks.

Yep, I get that you want to feel the 'current vibe connection' by reading what is popular now. There are times for both, maybe?  Solitary & my own space has been enjoyable in the past. Right now, I have a need to be enmeshed more.

The legal stuff is a 🤯. I don't know what your issues are. Each decision has at least one outcome, & I have to be on the ball & make sure to ask all the questions. It's lots to process. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself. Let things unfold & be aware, informed.

I think I have hope @EternalFlower 

Pretty...hmm. Make-up yes/possibly acceptable. 

No make-up - I try not to look.

No rush purchase lately. I can feel a craving at the back of my head. I might go for a walk or 2 on the weekend.

I have a good vibe too.

🙂

[maddison]

P.S - I liked your feelings.

[maddison]

Hi @EternalFlower I'm feeling slightly glum. Hope it's ok I reach out to you. Maybe, it's a weekend thing.

What did you get up to today? I mowed... The battery ran out right b4 I was almost done. Not complaining. The grass is nice & short & the cats can play around & lay in it again. If it wasn't for the animals, I would probably not bother. I know they love to feel the earth under them.

I'm starting to feel a little better.

Should I share the cravings I mentioned... at the back of my head? I probably shouldn't - & I will😊

Oh, that reminds me... I'm curious about the brown you found? What one is it - if you want to share.

I'm thinking of maybe purchasing headphones. The ones I have are perfectly fine. They are low budget. I'm considering upgrading. Please let me know if you have any expertise in this area. I am relying on Google reviews. The ones I was looking at - required app download. That annoys me - I want simple.

My second craving is a new peircing 😲 

It's super unlikely that I will get it. I do REALLY like it...& then I think, Im 45 - that is too old - & then, YOLO !!😄

I think it might be a fun fantasy for now. I would actually totally do it - it's the awkward healing phase that I have to decide if I'm prepared to go thru.

Or maybe it's a dream to keep my mind occupied?

I hope you are ok today. I hope you don't mind me writing to you. Thankyou, for the beautiful moment you shared with me. You really gave me a lovely gift. I hope you are finding strength as you need, & being super lovely to yourself. Thanks xo

[maddison]

@EternalFlower 

https://youtu.be/HAkHqYlqops 

https://youtu.be/P00HMxdsVZI 

❤️

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison an writing as my meds kick in...ahhh.

How did the cats enjoy their new fresh earth ? Did you get clarity on everything you needed last week for your housing...the hope is there...you have hope as you take the steps ...

Your piercing...will you get one ? 💓

My head is a bit jumbled as today was a very long day 

I had some yucky moments but used tools. Felt okay in the end but had a wobbly morning and then again now 

I am glad ur feeling a bit better and am here for U if U need 

I have a rec for headphones, I do like mine and they were about 100 dollars , Sony , noise cancelling. I love the noise cancelling. The hospital also purchased for me knart ones and they broke really easily. I think these are sturdy and nice 

I feel for me it was good to pay for the pricier ones because I personally take them around a lot. Do you like the noise cancelling ones ?

re outside world friends 

I don't have so many friends either really, I made a few friends through hospital stays and then through school but I lost a lot of friends when I got unwell . Keeping friends has been hard when everything changes so often and I don't know how to maintain long distance or accross differences like trauma or status etc. My closest friend has so much privilege so that's hard sometimes .

Do you have friendly neighboury types etc...sometimes that's my friend substitute , a person I see regularly in a cafe etc.

I hope you are getting some sleep and resting well after your day in sun . And that things are well x

[maddison]

Hi @EternalFlower It is late & I need to be doing my night chores & rest. We all have sad, desperate days I think. Hopefully, they are short, few & transient. I'm a little better with my emotions than I used to be. 

I really have been laying here for hours. Perplexed, anxious, defiant, contempt, overall feeling crappy about myself, amongst other things.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me. And thankyou for offering your support. It is greatly appreciated.

I will look at the Sony headphones. I would like better sound quality perhaps.

Undecided re: peircing! I do really like it. I need to contemplate a little more. 

I will reply properly tomorrow.

Thankyou xx

[EternalFlower]

Thank you 💗 @maddison you are important .

Anxiety is big, thank you for hearing it. The wandering spiralled and then it was like regretting not informing him of certain problems and wishing to....I managed to sit with it somehow .

I think U can relate as many can ....the doubt ? You sit well with things and Can hold that space, I like what you said about holding .

I'm awake again and am thankful for ur message. Love that U have those colours, the other one I have is maybe Samoan something ? I have high hopes for that !!!

I'm close to your age 😃 I get your references. I am a little bit younger, maybe 6 years or so. 30s.

I love how it doesn't matter so much here. I feel like 30s is a very funny time. I'm constantly free falling. Sometimes in hospital teens try and befriend me which is nice.

I'm sorry you feel rough and tense tonight , just trying to stay with your feelings and be ok. I'm here for you. You deserve to be heard.

You have helped me a lot also. You give advice and support from a good place....

I am def anxious about Dr being away. But I have come to think it's a good thing. He isn't really gone, and has been proactive about how he'll help from the day he's back. So I do feel I got what I needed from him, and in our final session I really opened up and said how I feel 

I talked about feeling like I'm in a pit, and how I see no way out. I guess maybe in the future I will reference said pit as a shortcut to talking about bottom-less feelings. Fears. Free-falling.

I think being in a room with someone and creating a visual of how you feel and sharing it and owning it is something. 

Thank you for being there with me...hope ur chores get done and it's a nice, accomplished rest in a clean home. Airy and calm. 

[maddison]

Hello @EternalFlower 

Your reply is one of the kindest combination of words I have ever read. 

Not abandoning you.

I will process B4 replying.

(Still thinking bout lip peircing 💜)

[maddison]

@EternalFlower hello,

I thankyou for you recent post to me. I need to read it again.

I am without words today. I have said it previously. I don't know. It's might be an autism thing. The words are stuck, silent.

I have a song for you. It's sad. I like it. Strength too.

Out of the Black - Billie Martin 

Can you please do me a solid? Can you reference said word in future, if you need me?

I will snap myself out of quiet & reply. 

I know what it feels like when I really need to know anyone is there. I want to give that to you too, if you need it?

I would like to reply in general. 

xx💓oo