Hi @Rosemary4
I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support 
I just wondered how are you feeling today?
I can only imagine how disorientating and overwhelming is must feel for you to return home after spending a period of time in hospital - especially when this is something that you didn’t feel ready for 
I really love your idea of ‘a half-way house’ and I have no doubt that this type of support would be invaluable for so many people who are still feeling really vulnerable and finding the transition from hospital incredibly daunting.
Just from what you described, your idea reminded me about ‘step up step down’ services 
I’m not too sure if you’re familiar with these, but basically from what I can understand, they provide short term residential support and individualised care for people following their discharge from hospital. They can also provide support for people who are living in the community and who are experiencing a change in their mental health, in the hope of preventing hospitalisation. As such, I just wondered if this was something that you would feel comfortable mentioning to your case manager, just in case you’re eligible to receive this support
I’m so deeply sorry to hear that your younger sister died to suicide. The emotional connection between sisters can be something that’s almost indescribable and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and anguish that you may be feeling at this time
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry that people in your life have told you ‘to get over it already’ In my experience, these responses only stand to further isolate people, compound their distress and make it so much harder for them to be able to reach out for the care and support that they so desperately need and deserve As such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that we all grieve differently and that there are absolutely no ‘rules’ or ‘correct time frames’ in relation to when someone ‘should have’ grieved the loss of their loved one
As I read your story, I got the sense that you’re feeling completely alone in your experiences and shouldering so much by yourself As such, I just wanted to share a few resources with you in case you would like to connect with some organisations who support people who are bereaved by suicide
The first organisation is called The Suicide Call Back Service One of the services that they provide is telephone and online support and counselling for people who are bereaved by suicide.
They are available 7 days a week 24 hours a day.
Their contact telephone number is: 1300 659 467.
I’ve just included a link to their services, in case you would like to explore this further
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/lost-someone-to-suicide/
The second organisation is called Standby Support After Suicide, which is also based here in Australia. Basically, they provide support to anyone who has been bereaved or impacted by suicide at any time in their life.
As such, they provide free support in person or via the telephone. They also provide continued support for up to two years, to ensure that people aren’t alone and that they receive the ongoing support that they need.
I’ve just included a link below in case you would like to search for support in your area:
https://standbysupport.com.au/#About
Standby Support After Suicide also provide 24 hour telephone support for people who live in Sydney, South Coast New South Wales and the Blue Mountains (and they’re hoping to be able to offer this service to people living in other parts of Australia in the near future)
I’m not too sure whereabouts in Australia you live, but just in case you live in one of these areas and you would like to reach out to them, their telephone number
is: 1300 727 247
You’re also more than welcome to contact the SANE helpline Basically, the helpline is staffed by qualified mental health professionals who provide support to people who are living with complex mental health issues and also to the people who support them
I’ve contacted the helpline on several occasions and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt supported and understood
If you would like to contact them, their telephone number is: 1800 18 7263.
They operate Monday to Friday from 10.00am until 10.00pm AEST.
In addition to telephone support, they also provide support via web chat and email.
Sometimes it can be difficult to get through on the telephone, but if this is something that you’re interested in, you’re more than welcome to schedule an appointment via their website - that way you can guarantee that you’ll be able to talk with someone on a day that best works for you I’ve just included the link for you below, in case this is something that you would like to explore further:
https://www.sane.org/counselling-support
Please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you feel ready and / or need to Nothing is too big or too small and you’re welcome to share whatever feels safe and comfortable for you (as long as what we share adheres to the community guidelines )
Thinking of you
ShiningStar
Hope you have plenty groceries now.
I have not met too many people who have lost a sibling to suicide. It has not been long. We have a bit in common. I did not answer at first because I hoped others would respond. it is a huge experience, and I did not want to swamp you with mine. Your loss would be pretty raw still.
It was good to read a little about her and your relationship. Is there any small memorialisiing of her that you can do. Crafty, photo or just a candle or something. Something that externalises the loss so its not ALL inside, and you can focus and calm yourself in the positive aspects, there is enough of the sad.
We are both older sisters. My sister was 4 years younger. It makes a difference to the shape of the experience I think. I could relate a lot to your post especially ...
QUOTE "And thanks for condolences re my sister, she struggled so long, i kinda knew she'd pull it off one day but ya never prepared for it, the finality. She was 5yrs younger than me and quite the trendsetter, always trying to get me to wear more makeup and stuff. She wore black a lot "mourning her lost childhood" she use to joke. Had humour. We talked a lot, said I was the only one who understood her upbringing nightmare, what it was like. Actually, I didn't like being a sounding board for bitching about mum etc But I understand it & we were both lonely. Yes, it has rocked my world to lose her.. Feels too hard to go on without her, someone clo , nobody to really connect with on the little thngs"
A couple of days ago was my sis' birthday.... it has become a bit of a delicate anniversary for me now. My sister passed over 30 years ago. Yes she made many earlier attempts too. edited.
Make the best of being at home, and tag me anytime you think it would help. I did eventually go to a SIBLINGS group for 'support after suicide", but it was only a couple of years ago. Not sure what is available in your area.
Apple
One thing I learned to separate out after a long time, was my yearning to be with her and missing her which became part of my own suicidal ideation. It took a long time to tease out thinking about her and honouring her life as she was, rather than escalating my thinking with all the could ofs ...
A once per week visit at home, after discharge, would a huge improvement in delivery of services. It need not always take 2 workers like CAT team .... why they have not instigated that ALREADY is beyond me.
Honour your own feelings about readiness to be more social. Joining the forum social activities can be a little help and distract, but does not demand too much energy.
Gently Bently
Apple
Hi @Rosemary4
It’s lovely to hear from you
With everything that’s happening for you, it makes so much sense that you just don’t have the energy to reach out to anyone at this time
Absolutely! It would be fantastic if there were people who could reach out to you - even if it was just for a short period of time Sometimes just having someone who can reach out to us when we’re feeling vulnerable, distressed and alone in our experiences, can make such a difference
Oh Rosemary4 I felt concerned when you shared ‘I’d rather be alone than with a bunch of hostile strangers’ and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if you would feel comfortable to share what this means for you?
Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry to hear about your experience of spending some time in a women’s refuge What you described sounds absolutely terrifying and it’s so understandable that this triggered some of your past traumas
Please remember that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to
In the meantime, please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some gentle hugs
ShiningStar
I’m so deeply sorry to hear that your sister passed away
Please know that I’m thinking of you
Take gentle care of yourself,
ShiningStar
Hi @Rosemary4
It’s so lovely to hear from you
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me Some of our experiences can be really difficult to describe and I think that you’ve done a wonderful job describing these
After reading about your experiences, I can really appreciate why you feel so scared and unsafe Feeling that people have the ability to see those parts of ourselves that we’re so desperately trying to keep hidden, can feel absolutely terrifying
Absolutely Living in a constant state of fear (even if there’s a part of us that can identify that our fears are irrational) can be incredibly debilitating and this really does have the potential to impact so many areas of our lives.
I really got the sense that there were times when perhaps you feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, as on the one hand venturing out into the world feels unsafe, however on the other hand, staying at home doesn’t feel completely safe either My heart really goes out to you as the distress associated with feeling unsafe can be excruciating.
I’m so sorry to hear that your Psychiatrist was unable to reduce the dosage of your medications and I can really hear how desperately you need some relief from the side effects that you’re currently experiencing. I just wondered if he was able to provide more of a specific time frame in relation to when some of the side effects would start to ease?
I also just ever so gently wanted to say that making the decision to suddenly stop a specific medication, or adjusting the dosage without medical supervision could be harmful for you and so please take care around this
Oh wow! Your question ‘how do we live if we can’t feel?’ is really thought provoking. Feeling numb and disconnected can have such a profound impact on the way in which we’re able to participate in life and this can be a truly distressing place to be I know there have been times in my life when I almost haven’t been able to allow myself to feel, as the rush of emotions have just been too overwhelming for me I just ever so gently wondered if this is something that you can relate to?
Thank you so much for checking in with me - that’s really kind of you Some days are a little easier than others - I just have to remind myself to breathe
Thank you also for your interest in my profession I’m a Social Worker by profession, however due to mental health issues, I haven’t worked for a few years now
Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some very caring and gentle hugs
ShiningStar