This is the first time I have disclosed  the seriousness of my struggle with SI on

 here. @Jynx Mostly I am wary of burdening or triggering others. I

Thank you all for your meaningful caring responses. 

Yes, often being in a liminal space describes my existence well. @Dimity I really used to feel invisible. That has improved since I joined the forum. 

@Till23 yes lots of passive ideation and not caring about myself. Eg with many things including gardening I can just work myself into a mass of physical pain. It is part of the reason I have hand issues and neck issues. Few people can really get their heads around my story. It is so much.

Today was mixed. Did physio garden. Went to rock band jam, a guy their doesn't like me and ignores me if I try to clarify a chord or song and keeps shifting goal posts, changing songs, practice days, but avoiding me. I walked out al most at the end. I liked the other people but was getting very agitated with his agro stand over attitudes and ignoring direct questions about what key we are playing. It was an issue again today. I just don't need it in my life. So I guess the rock band was a little side quest after all. I just quietly walked out and asked him "please don't be a bully". They all heard. Guess I will stay with quieter acoustic and early and sacred music music. It was a silly distraction.

I have a challenge tomorrow.