Sounds like you have a number of services you can access which is really good @Birdofparadise8 . Have you ever phoned beyond blue?

Also, I remember you mentioning that you are 'depressed' and have SI thoughts all the time. Believe it or not, I do too. I used to get upset at having them, but I don't really care anymore. I've learnt that they are part of my condition. My psychologist and case manager helped me understand that. And that is the part many do not realise. I am 'well' but I have SI and SH thoughts all the time! Perplexing, but it's true.

In other words, don't beat yourself up over having the thoughts. They are thoughts.