Hi @chibam 

I didn't need to look outside - it's pouring with rain outside and I have washing on the line which must have dried overnight - and crash - thunder!!! - perhaps I should close my computer but no - I will finish this.

I am sorry you have lost hope - and I ask which is worse - lost hope or false hope? I can't answer that - I think the doctors who told you that you had no hope for a better life were wrong unless there was an "unless" in there somewhere. It was a cruel thing for someone to say and devastating to hear - I am sure.

And rescue - yes - for years I had thought I might be rescued from the dark years I was living through - way back in time now. My psychiatrist said there was no rescue - yes - there had been in the past when I was a small child - my grandmother would rescue me from my mother but taking me to her place for however long - I had my own room there and didn't think that was strange until recently when I really did know my grandmother really a powerful person in my life and gave me a safe place to be when she could.

As an adult - that safe place was long gone - this same psychiatrist also told me that things would change - I told him that thing kept getting worse and what could change. Things did in a really bad way so yeah - what was that about?

In time my minister told me that he couldn't change anything in my life - but I could - and the lights went on and I changed everything about myself I could - from my marital status to my name. I moved. I got a new car. I finished my pass degree and went on to my Honours degree and kept going. It wasn't easy. The best thing is I found myself and that is worth everything.

But yes - it was very hard.

So - I don't know much about your circumstances and if there is anything you can change. seeing as I have been through my circumstances - I know it's hard to start. If you are in a dark place it is hard to find a better way - those psychiatrists were wrong to destroy the little hope you had. There is always change - it's one of the few things in this life we can rely on to happen - change - things always change.

I do wish you the best and I am glad I found this thread this morning. I'm sorry this has happened to you and hope you can find the help you need. But it remains true. The bottom line is something I read a long time ago - when everyone is swimming for the lifeboats no one cares about anything else. We have to help ourselves and learn that we are the only person we can really rely upon.

I can see - life has been cruel to you.

And here there is still heavy rain and thunder - it's Melbourne - we can be very sure the weather will change soon.

All the best -

Owlunar