@ClockFace  Phew! You really are dealing with a lot of really complicated things. I get why the men’s line people said you are doing well to cope as well as you are. 

I had an insight recently, my suicidality comes through when I am in a state of fight or flight and my fight turns against myself. So a part of my recovery is to learn to be ultra kind and compassionate towards myself. The counsellors on those lines try to help us the best they can but sometimes it doesn’t make sense to us.  They say things that don’t sit well with our screwed up belief systems. Stuff like “You are good enough”, and we react by putting up walls of disbelief when we really need to open our hearts to what they are saying. 

Hopefully your sister will get the help she needs or at least get on the path to where she needs to be. I can tell from reading your posts how much you care for her and how important she is to you. 

You are doing an amazing job for your sister, it is enough and keep journaling here if that works for you. I hope one day you will be able to read back and see how far you have come. You have a lot of complications to deal with but you are enough, be kind to yourself and take the time it takes to get well.