My Mum comes home today. In our  discussion (via text) she said that yet again the doctors dont know whats wrong. Except according to my Dad they have stated that Mum is over using her pain medication. Mum has admitted that she will take extra if its a bad day. We and the doctors have tried to get her to go on a Webster pack (I and my sister are on them) but she doesnt want to because she would have to open the next day's packet to get more pain killers. She doesnt get that taking extra pain killers is a bad idea and the root of her problem.

 

My Income Protection Insurance Claim is still pending, they have asked for more information, they want information from my psychologist and psychciatrist, I pointed them in the direction of my Urgent Psychiatrist but Im not sure if they are going to make me hold out until I see my ongoing psychiatrist.

 

But what this means is I continue to rely on my Dad for my financial support, which means asking him for more money. Its not a pleasant experience, I mean he will do it but he will bitch about it first. He thinks I should just go back to work and he will look after my sister. My sister isnt going to confide in him, she will tell him the basics but will go into more detail with me, like tell me that she is going to attempt or has lighters etc. Excluding that, I have just had a psychotic break, not to mention the lead up to it, Im not in a psychological place to manage work and my sister and my Mum and my Dad and well me without the who psychotic break. Im taking extra medication to calm me down, we all know the one I mean. Twice a day and I am still really anxious. I mean 1/2 the time I am looking at an old medication I used to take, one that is basically the go to medication to help mental health patients. I know if I take it in the dose I have that I will chill out completely, probably sleep,  but I wouldnt be anxious for a bit. That said, this medication was replaced by another medication and I would think there would be complications if I take both. Not being able to say the name of medications really makes it hard to tell stories.

 

I dare say that given my current mental state, not to  mention the issues with my spine at the moment, I just dont see me getting medical clearance to return to work and as much as I would like to go to work, even for 10hrs a week I dont think Im mentally able to. Im pretty sure if pushed I will have a proper break from reality and I will find myself in a bed next to my sister.

 

So I dont foresee that I am going to be returning to work anytime soon, nor do I forsee that my income protection will start being paid in the near future. So It is off to Dad to see if I can borrow some more money. I dont want to come across as some spoiled rich kid, Im far from it. Mum and Dad are middle class at best. They have done well financially given where they have both come from and worked hard for it. They expect no different from my sister and I. The money I am borrowing is coming from their mortgage and I am expected to repay that money along with the interest. I honestly cant afford it but what else am I going to do, I cant live without some form of income. I need to pay my medical costs. I have a couple of vices, I smoke rather heavily, but given current circumstances even my Dad doesnt think I should try and give up. I have been for a long time but when my sister got sick I started smoking more and more.

 

I also drink, non-alcoholic, but fizzy drink, iced coffee, poweraid or mother. Even if I drink water, which I was doing significantly prior to my sister getting sick, thats bought. Granted the brand I like is cheap but as far as Dads concerned water from the tap is free, instant coffee is cheap and a can of coke a day is a nice treat.

 

Before my sister got sick I was doing a lot to better myself, to try and lose weight and be healthier but with all the going from home to hospital, her moving hospitals, new diagnosis, new treatment, outbursts, ER visits, suicide attempts, my wellbeing just took a back seat. That has meant that things like vices have gotten worse

 

I would dearly like to return to what was normal life, work, a bit of stress, my sister being annoying but her and I talking about Mum and Dad, just the sucky level of stress we had. At some point my sister has to come home, at some point life has to return to some form of normal. At some point, I have to recover and go back to work. At some point life has to turn back into life, sooner rather than later would be nice.