Hospital or not??

[BlueBay]

As some of you already know I am struggling quite a bit with financial stress and work stress.  Add that to my already depression, anxiety and BPD and no family support - I am a mess.

I was just thinking - do I speak to my psych to admit me into hosptial for a 'break from this crazy mind of mine' or do I try to beat this crap life.

But then I thought - because of no money, waiting pay to pay (i am so embarrassed to say this) I hate living like this.  Problem is if I do go to hospital i will have to have a week off work which means 4 days of no pay. Which then means we will be worse off again. This is a vicious cylce; no wonder why my head is in overdrive. 

I don't know what to do? I feel so stuck with what to do. i feel so alone with these thoughts. Dann everyone in my life that has caused this. That's the past but i still get angry. i can't change the past, damn i wish i could.

I just wish i could see my dad and have his help or at least a hug 😞 (now i am crying) i feel so stuck and alone in my dark deep hole

[Faith-and-Hope]

💙 @BlueBay

[Former-Member]

Feel for you @BlueBay, that feeling your trapped where you don't want to be. I pray things pick up soon. If you can't take time off definitely take time out. Walk in the park breath deep and take in nature. Think on good things, they're there, we just have to look harder sometimes. Big hug 🌹

[Tyler77]

hey @BlueBay  

Hang in there!  I remember trying to survive without my family, it was very difficult.  I'm praying that your family has a change of heart.  I think you should take the time off, I know your gonna lose 4 days pay, but thats better than losing your mental stability.

Praying for you.  Hope things get better soon.

[BlueBay]

@faithandhope
Beautiful picture. I'm sobbing just looking at image. Thank you you're s beautiful person for sending me these pictures. Xxxooo

[Decadian]

Aw @BlueBay

You are in a bad place - and most of us know and understand

But take it from someone who has made the choice about health v. money - no money is worth your health - you have another wage earner in your family - let him pick up the slack - and start again after you have had a week off work

Because if you have a week now - you are likely to be back next week - making up for a few accounts - and I can give you an idea of how to deal with that - or keep working so stressed out and you will need more time

You are back into a dark place - I want to help - I have read your posts and care so much - I wish I could take it up - but no -

One thing my mother said that made sense is that everyone has to have their own pain - and we do

About your finances - work out what you have to pay - mortgage or rent etc - there is not much negotation possible there - or - chat with your phone company, power or gas providers - and maybe any other accounts you have - and make a deal with them to pay them back over a short period of time within the next month - maybe two;

You will be surprised - if you are honest about your situation and say that you have to spend sometime in hosptial - and you don't have to say what for - and you will meet your obligations - believe me - they want your business as much as they want you money - and most people are accomodating if you can pay half next payday and the other half the following month.

More sorrow comes from the need for money as from just about anything else.

From the outside we are all seeing you going backward - battling - and to add to that you had that nuisance of a lazy so-in-so - and your boss knows you and how glad he will be to have you back healthy

Your Dad might like to know - you can get the hospital to let him know where you are - try that - it can't hurt - and what you want for him is a hug - that is a big deal that costs so little

Please take some time for yourself - let your husband pick up the slack - he will be glad to have you healthy too

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian @Tyler77 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope

I called my psych this morning but unfortunately he's not in today.  i have left a message for him to call me tomorrow.  But I am going to outpatient program tomorrow at the hospital and he will be there tomorrow morning so i may even see him there.

I am still not sure - I know I need to go but there are so many buts.  If I am realistic 4 days pay isn't going to be a life or death.  It will mean that we will struggle for that fortnight but once i am back at work i will be better mentally and physically so it wouldn't take long to catch up again.

I do feel guilty if i do go in but i will see what my psych says to me tomorrow.

Thanks @Decadian for your kind thoughts.  Letting my dad know - no that won't happen.  because i know that last year (same time as now) when i was in hospital my mum blasted me on the phone and i am pretty sure that my dad knew but wouldn't come because of her.

I know i am not good - i was in a very low mood today at work, just working and not really chatting much.  I was a crying sobbing mess this mornig when i woke up. And i was exhausted all day. think an early night tonight.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Deep breaths @BlueBay

You are nearly at tomorrow, and you will have some answers then 

💗🌷💗

[BlueBay]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope

I have another headache starting.  I think its all the stress.

You know I've also lost my DBT therapist last week forever; my GP is away for a month and my regular therapist is away until next week.  So I feel I am on my own with making this decision.

i wish the decison would be made for me. I really won't know until tomorrow.  Anyway early night tonight and then i am off to the hospital for programs. It won't be colored balls though.  It will be yoga and therapy and then music therapy.

I'll let you know how I go tomorrow. xxxooo

[Faith-and-Hope]

I have a headache coming on too ... I have been resting but it hasn't gone away.  I will get up and take something for it, then go cook the dinner so we eat tonight ...

I can fall into a heap after that, not before 😏

Please do tell me how you go tomorrow @BlueBay.    

We will all be waiting to hear.  The coloured balls exercise stayed with me after you described it to us, and I am sure it stayed with others too.  It is a help to others to learn from your experiences too.  The music therapy sounds interesting ....  music is therapy anyway, but I wonder how they will use it tomorrow in your class.

I hope you can relax and enjoy it a little bit in the process.

💜