Functioning with ADHD

[Jynx]

@creative_writer honestly such a mood. I never wanted kids so when I have to engage in re-parenting it's like 'really? I gotta gently talk to this screaming toddler, except that they live in my brain so there's actually no such thing as a time out? Ahhh nuts...' At least I can hand my screaming niece and nephew back over to my siblings. Screamy baby Jynx is stuck with me! 

I hope the food helped, even if it wasn't fun to engage with 🤞

[creative_writer]

@Jynx  I don’t think I could ever be a teacher, too many loud kids. I admire people who can handle it. Even if I was to become a mother, I can’t imagine having more than one kid. Kids are a handful and expensive. I can imagine having more than one furbaby, kitties are at least less noisy and can clean after themselves (meaning you don’t have to constantly shower them). Litter boxes are easier than diapers. You don’t have to pay for kitty school. 

Toddler inside the brain can be not so fun. Re-parenting is rough. Baby me reactions don’t always make any sense, they’re purely emotional. I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a toddler, my parents confused them for tantrums. I feel like the mini me is the one who internalises everything, blames herself for everything. That’s what tinny kids do. Can’t run away from this screaming traumatised child, she’s stuck in my brain 

[Jynx]

@creative_writer preaching to the choir haha I struggle enough just looking after myself and two cats!! 

Aye - and honestly part of me kinda feels like all tantrums are actually meltdowns? Like when a kid is losing it over dropping an ice cream, it's usually cos they've been overstimulated all day.... idk, might just be one of my Jynxy opinions like how adulthood is a myth and that 'laziness' as a concept is just gaslighting us for needing rest... 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I struggle to look after myself alone. I don’t know how I would cope living alone. I forget to pay for pdoc appointments on time, and I experience a lot of task paralysis. I don’t know I would cope with a tinny screaming baby, the one that wakes you up in the middle of the night.

Honestly I still sometimes have meltdowns and they’re embarrassing. I do get told off for having them 🥺. In those moments, my brain is fully on child mode. I’m usually put together, but I have had those child moments. I’ve grown up suppressing and repressing, I dread exploding. It is probably one of the reasons why I end up stuck in heightened emotions. I think it’s best I go to bed rn, the urges are coming back

[Jynx]

@creative_writer of course hun, and for the record you're not alone in those feelings. I have struggled to make space for and be okay with my own Very Big emotional outbursts. It's not easy, but I think we are both on the right path 💜

Take care of your wonderful self, reach out to your supports as needed, and hopefully sleep will find you soon 😊 Nighty night! 

 (つˆ⌣ˆ)つ

[creative_writer]

@Jynx being okay with big emotions can be hard. I don’t know how I’m going to get there, maybe slowly, slowly.

I had my psych appointment, she thinks it’s good to touch base with my psychiatrist regarding ADHD symptoms. I didn’t tell her about the intensity of SI on the weekend, hard to admit certain actions. The thoughts haven’t been as intense today, but there to some extent. I’m contemplating whether I should go up to regular saffron supplement dose, some people find it helps their depression and ADHD symptoms. I can always decrease it if it makes me unstable, I know it say proceed with caution with bipolar. But surely the risk with saffron is lower than medication. It’s better than using other things to get the stimulant effect. Maybe if I’m functional, my mental health will be better and I wont constantly burn out from doing everyday tasks

[creative_writer]

I feel so exhausted and emotional 🥺. Lately. it feels like everything makes me emotional

[AuntGlow]

Here with you @creative_writer, what do you need right now to feel ever so slightly more grounded? 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I can’t even do prayers rn, is there something wrong with me, is my brain too broken?

I’m going to have dinner rn, don’t feel like eating. I honestly don’t care about food rn, I’ll eat only because I have to

[creative_writer]

I’ve moved my pdoc appointment earlier, still having SI. My brain is trying to convince me I should engage in risky behaviour to help me resist. I’m trying to resist that too.

I was able to get an appointment in 2-3 weeks time. Thoughts have been worse since the end of last week. I feel like an idiot, but maybe I need support. I don’t know if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I’m hoping the thoughts pass by then, but I am just growing more and more frustrated. I’m safe, the thoughts are still exhausting