Functioning with ADHD

[AuntGlow]

Hello @creative_writer, thank you for sharing all of this with us. What I am hearing is that you've been through a lot of painful experiences and that you've been unable to safely express the feelings that have come up as a result, which has left you feeling confused and overwhelmed. I can see how much your brain wants answers and your body needs peace, both of which you undoubtedly deserve. I really do believe you are well on your way to healing, I can see it whenever you are able to regulate and challenge your thoughts. But it is a process, and you're allowed to be emotional as you learn and grow. I also think it's so important that you feel safe enough to be transparent with your supports (it honestly helps so much!). 

I am sure the prospect of your rebated sessions ending soon is overwhelming... will you continue to see your psych if you can and grow that relationship in order to build more trust?

Also, what else could you lean on other than therapy? 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I know being transparent with supports can help a lot, there are some things I am too afraid to talk about. I am more open that I used to be with my current supports, but it is a process. I'm also trying to balance what I need be transparent about and what may hinder and keep me stuck in the past. I have in the past found discussing trauma details super difficult, I've had a lot of sessions talking about it with a previous psych, it didn't really get me far. I find discussing the past without looking at the life I can create counterproductive. It makes my brain focus on the past, instead of moving on from the past. I know they say talking about trauma can be a form of exposure therapy, but at some point it just gets too much. Sometimes I also wonder will it help talking about body flashbacks, or will it make me focus too much on them? The more I focus, the worse it gets.

I would continue with the psych if I could, it would be easier if I was employed and my private health covered it.

I'm joining a nutrition-fitness program thingy, I hope it actually works, some of my money went to it. I figured out my body doesn't feel right, so might benefit from some care. That'll help with physical pain and hopefully improve mental health. My psych also wants me to be more active and attend events (obviously while considering my physical health). Leaving the house can leave me super exhausted and sick. Maybe I need to be more on top of managing sensory overload. Migraines and being ND means I am super sensitive to lighting and noise. Travelling also exhausts me, I get motion sickness

[tyme]

Heya @creative_writer , what's happening? Anything planned for tomorrow?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I feel sort of nauseous, probably a combination of emotions plus digestive issues. It’s been a rough day, but I got through today safely. I managed to resist SI and what is probably a form of SH. SH stems from wanting to resist SI, it feels like I need to do something.

Creativity can be wonderful to have, but it’s rough when mind goes on overdrive.

I want to rest up tomorrow, maybe a sleep in would be good. I’m so tired and exhausted. Nothing planned yet, might see how I go. Do you have plans?

[tyme]

Sounds like a heavy day @creative_writer . To be honest, it's impressive you see how much you push through to get what you need to, done. I'm interested to hear more about you 'resisiting' SI. If you don't mind me asking, what does this looking like?

Only because I have chronic SI even though I love life - sounds weird, but yes. I've been told it's part of my condition and may never go away.

SI used to take the stage, but it's been push to back stage now. Hence I was wondering what it looks like for you.

Also, with tomorrow, I have some long meetings to sit through, and that's pretty much all I have planned. Then I'll be on the forums later in the evening.

Glad you feel you will just rest up tomorrow.

[creative_writer]

@tyme resisting suicidal thoughts means choosing to live, no matter how crappy it feels. Finality of death is real, and there is no way back. You can’t achieve goals unless you choose to live. Many people often feel instant regret after an attempt. It also helps reminding myself that I’ve had moments where SI was less intense and even absent. I know you say you have chronic SI, does it ever leave for a few hours?

I hope the meetings go okay, it can feel like a lot

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @creative_writer . So it's a little bit like being able to use 'self talk' to 'reason' with yourself?

The chronic SI is always there. It doesn't leave. But as I said, it doesn't have first place, so it's totally okay to live with and I've learnt to manage. For a long time, I hated myself for having these thoughts - until my psych said it was totally okay to have thoughts, but it's the action that matters.

I think it can get very tiring to be battling these thoughts all the time. So I guess I've resigned to just letting them be.

Recently, I've been becoming more and more interested in the role of social workers. I'm come across a number of them, and I'm in awe of what they do as I've never known much. I'm also in awe about other allied health such as occupational therapists, speech therapists etc. I find their work so, WOW.

[creative_writer]

@tyme yes, using self talk can help. My SI varies, I’ve had all day SI but I’ve also had days with 0 SI thoughts. When the depression kicks in, it gets harder. All we can do is try. Therapy, self care and self talk go a long way. Having chronic SI day after day sounds exhausting, but it’s amazing you’re gotten to the point you’re able to manage it.

Social workers do a lot, they have a very broad scope. We need more of them, but the funding is lacking, probably why so many graduates end up unemployed for a bit. I reckon it’s hard to find work in Melbourne

[AuntGlow]

Trusting yourself and knowing when to share is also important, and sometimes when we revisit trauma, it can be very overwhelming for the body... @creative_writer 

Sharing little bits over time can be really helpful in this context (this is called titration). 

I think the fact you want and need to explore what was and what could be is amazing!! And I would encourage you to let your support system know that it's important for you to connect to what can be different, I think this allows us to heal as well. 

When exploring trauma, we really need a safe container and sensory reprocessing - things like EMDR, havening, tapping can all support this. I get the sense you may have touched on these before?

I understand, private health is expensive... it can be really tough, you're not alone in this at all.

I think the nutrition and fitness program sounds amazing for regulation! I am excited to hear more about how this goes for you. 💕

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow sharing little bits is way better than sharing a lot at once, it is easier to contain. I think it is also important to balance talking about trauma while also looking at ways to improve my life. I've done a bit of EMDR before, my current psych doesn't do it. EMDR did help, it feels like a weight lifted off, and I didn't have to talk about trauma in huge detail. 

I wish it was easier to afford mental health support, but it is so expensive. I am hoping the nutrition-exercise helps, they have to go through my intake form and blood to get a better idea on what will work for me. I also have super flexible joints and I am chronically in pain-like hands, neck, upper, mid and lower back. 

Content/trigger warning

This morning has been hard. I am sort of dissociative and my brain wants me dead. I am having urges to just give up. I did something to help me resist the SI urges which I know I probably shouldn't be doing since the risk is still there. I managed to prevent myself from going any further, if I had there would have been consequences. I am doing okay and I am safe.