I can’t cope

[tyme]

Have you heard or watched the TED talk about HSP? (Highly Sensitive Person/People)? @Captain24 

It goes through their strengths as a HSP, but also where they lack...

I'm a bit like you. I live on the extremes of life - all or nothing. I've had to learn to find balance. For example, when I eat something that I like, I eat so much of it for breakfast, lunch and dinner until I don't want to look at the food again.

When I spent money, I either spend nothing, or go all out.

When I care, I care to the extreme or don't care at all.

I put this down to my BPD... who knows? It's what they term the "black/white thinking".... that's mean. I have to say though, think HAVE improved... so I guess I have to be grateful.

[Captain24]

I haven’t seen it but I think I probably should @tyme 

That is so me. Everything to the extreme. Eg Lego and diamond art and that’s not a joke. 

Im very black and white. I don’t like the gray as it’s unknown and I’m not comfortable with that. It’s not ok to be in the grey. 

I need to change things. I don’t think I will heal unless I do. Even my mood is similar, it’s mostly one extreme to the other. I can’t seem to find the middle ground often, or maintain it. 

[tyme]

We're on the same page... we'll get there 🙂 @Captain24 eventually...

Anyway, I'm off now. I've got quite a few things to catch up on - we can chat later this week

[NatureLover]

Hi @Captain24 , just caught up on your news...you are not selfish person. You care, and it sounds like you feel guilty for saying no. But I'm proud of you for saying no and putting yourself first as it's very hard to learn. I had to learn and still struggle with it. 

I hope your pdoc doesn't cancel again on Tuesday. Well done for doing the timeline. 

Sorry that your work has been awful 😢 Also you said you hurt your back? (As well as @tyme )

Sending good vibes for you @Captain24 ...

@tyme  How is your pinched nerve today? Really hoping it eases very quickly🤞

[Snowie]

Good morning @Captain24 

Hope work goes well for you hon.

Sending some love 💕💕

[Captain24]

Thanks for the thoughts @NatureLover @Snowie.

Im home from work. The task I was doing was ok. I know I’m good at it. 

I did confront the guy that has made me question my worthiness out there. What did I do.. cry. How embarrassing. I let him know that I’m deeply crushed and he actually pointed out things he has seen. But it didn’t change anything with the situation. I still don’t want to be there and know I’m just not good enough for them. 

Then my boss called me up and questioned the date in my personal leave form. I said it’s for tomorrow as I have a Pdoc appointment. He wasn’t happy and he said I should have given more notice. I couldn’t. Today was my first day back and I only found out on Thursday that it was changed to tomorrow. What did I do.. cry again. 

I feel like my MH is causing so many issues. That they are using it against me. Then I’m told that if I take it further I will never get anywhere. 

I know I’m struggling really badly at the moment but this work thing is totally not helping. It’s making me feel more worthless, useless and just a general waste of oxygen. I don’t know how much more I can actually take. 

HR emailed me today about the event I’m going to next week. She has me booked in to tell my story. I emailed back saying I’m happy to but with some issues at work will the others think I’m worthy enough to tell my story. I know she will email back with what is going on. Im just going to tell her it all. Im never going to progress any further in my job anyway and they are making my life hell so why not tell HR. 

Im having some really strong urges tonight. I really hate my MI, myself and my life.

I just wish I wasn’t here anymore. 

[Jynx]

Aww @Captain24 so much going on for you, it's no wonder you're so stressed. Can imagine it feels like you're really having to fight on two fronts - to ensure you're getting enough support for your MH, and to ensure that your workplace will respect this need. 

I'm really glad to hear that you've decided to talk to HR, to stand up for yourself! Might not feel that way but to me, saying 'f*ck it!' and telling them how it is is an incredibly empowering thing to do. I wish you the best in this endeavour! 

I'm also gonna flick you an email to check in, sounds like a rough night for you. 

[Snowie]

Good morning dear @Captain24 

Hoping your pdoc appointment goes well today. I know it's been awhile since you saw your pdoc.

Thinking of you hon 💗💗

[Captain24]

I have finished my time line. It’s quite long. It’s really hard going back through everything. Im scared as to what the Pdoc is going to say this afternoon. I don’t know that we even have enough time. She is going to be really disappointed in me. I have let her down immensely. I have failed big time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they all gave up on me. I deserve it. 

I haven’t put in it how work has broken me but I may bring it up. 

Im so ashamed at what the last 7 months have been and continue to be. I really am a mess and not well at all.

Im sorry for what I have put you all through. It has obviously been a lot. 

[hanami]

You haven't 'put us through' anything @Captain24 . 💜