Lived Experience Forum

[Christheart]

@Captain24 

I resonate a lot with everything you're saying in this post. 

I have trouble sometimes getting through the next 10 minutes. 

I try to break up my day into portions that I can handle. 1 minute, 10 minutes, an hour ... 

I try to focus on what I'm doing in that moment, and if I'm very fortunate sometimes during the day I'll get some time where I feel something other than despair. Sometimes. 

It's very difficult living this way, and that's when SI creeps in. 

But I've decided to not completely write off the possibility of future treatment helping me feel better one day. Cause I can't see the future. So it might be better. 

I'm just trying to stay alive long enough to find out, atm... 

I just want you to know, you are not alone, and you are not a freak. Other people can empathise with you... I promise. 

What ate you up to tonight? 

Chrisheart

X

[Captain24]

So today started off pretty good. I got up at 8 and took my dog outside, put a load of washing on and stacked the dishwasher. I thought ‘this is good’. The sun was shining and it was a nice day.

The washing is still in the machine and the dishwasher is still stacked.

Everything just come crashing down as the dark thoughts all returned.

I am so tired. I am tired of fighting to get better. I know I need to focus on the little wins. Such as starting out ok, but I keep letting the dark moments win. 

I have 3 people that I’ve told what I’m sort of going through however not one has called to check I’m ok. I know I’m being selfish and that they are busy with their lives but it makes me feel like no one cares and I’m not worthy. I hate this feeling. 

I just wish I wasn’t here. I am so sick of feeling like this. I’m such a waste of space and time. 

I’ve taken a block of work to hopefully sort myself out but I haven’t been able to so far. I guess it will get better. I am trying, I walk my dog every day, listen to

music and have tried reading. The thoughts keep coming back whenever I try to do things to distract me. I’ve tried meditation sessions on YouTube but I still can’t relax and forget. 

Don’t worry about me because, a, I’m not worth it and b, I’m just venting to get it out. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Hey just wanted to stop in and offer some support. I hope it has helped, even a little, to have a bit of a vent here tonight. Sounds like you've been putting a lot of effort into keeping yourself afloat. Can get super draining after a while, for sure.

I'm sorry no one has checked in on you. That is rough. And even though yeah, maybe folks have their own stuff going on but that doesn't mean you aren't worth the effort. Not to my mind. 

Sometimes for me, the most stressful thing has been all the effort I've put in to try to forget that I feel like crap. But the minute I allow myself to just feel it, and stop pushing back against it, it's like a relief. I mean, I might end up bawling my eyes out, but at least I'm not exhausting myself fighting the feelings. So I hope you can find something that gives you some respite, even if it is to just feel crappy for a time.

Glad you decided to reach out tonight. 

[Captain24]

Hi @Christheart 

Thank you for sharing with me. 

Thank you for your support.

I like the way you look at the future that you can’t see it. That is a great help. 

Thank you for helping me to not feel alone.

I hope you look after yourself and keep inching your way to the future. As much as I feel alone and that no one cares I think there would be some people that would feel it if I left. And I’m sure that if you left you would leave a hole in peoples lives 

Stay safe

💕Captain24 

[Captain24]

@Jynx 

Thanks for the support 

The vent does help as I don’t have anyone that knows the full extent of how I’m feeling. I’m not confident in letting it all out for fear of judgement and being a burden. I’m scared that if they know it all that I’ll push them away. 

Im glad that instead of constantly fighting, that I can just feel it. 

Thank you 

Captain24 💕

[Jynx]

You're welcome @Captain24 . I hope you can find some folks in your day to day life that, when you tell them the whole story, continue to stick by you. I'm glad to have been able to be with you this evening 🤗💜

[Christheart]

@Captain24 

I get you. I was celebrating yesterday as a win but today it's all come crashing down. 

It's exhausting to keep fighting. 

I don't have any shining pearls of wisdom or advice today, because I feel totally defeated. 

But you aren't alone ❤ And we care about you. And we need eachother. 

Christheart 

X

[Captain24]

I’m with you @Christheart 

I’ve got nothing either.

I’ve got nothing left just laying on the lounge crying just wishing it would all end. I can’t fight anymore 

Just know that I’m laying here with you and sending my love

 💕 Captain24 

[Otter]

Hi @Captain24,

I'm just popping in the thread as I'm feeling a bit concerned following your last post. I hope you are feeling a bit better and having a good rest. Just also wanted to say it's important you get qualified help beyond our peer support service here at the boards if you feel you are in crisis right now and/or significantly dark thoughts begin to come up for you. If you are struggling like this, it can help to take a break from the forums and reach out to SCBS on 1300 659 467 (or Lifeline, 1800Respect etc). if you feel you are in crisis at the moment, need a chat with someone now or any immediate help.

Hoping you are well and here to support you with our whole community,

Otter

[Captain24]

@Otter 

Sorry