It continues

[ClockFace]

Im pretty well done with my Dad, if I wasnt before I am now. After my upload I went to go to bed, I got up and started walking towards the loo on my way to my room. Each step was tiny and agonising, like my face was scrunching up, I was balling my hands up. I was clearly in a lot of pain and I was taking steps that couldnt even been 10cm. My Dad says to me "Can you take Jessy (one of our dogs) down to Mum on your way, if he stays out he will just end up waking your sister"? For your understanding, Mums room is at the end of the hallway I go left for my room, right for hers, then its through 2 other big rooms, down a few stairs, in a very small area (with a dog) open a door and Mums room. At my rate that would take ages, be incredibly painful and pretty well impossible to go down the stairs and deal with the dog as well. Then go back, having no where to sit and take a break. On the other hand, my room would be left, down a tiny hall, into my room, around my queen bed and into it. Now I do go down to Mums room during the day, but its one way and then a long rest and thus far, I havent been in the pain I was in at the time or am in now. Here is the thing that has got to me though, Dad typically puts Jessy down with Mum at night, but he cracked the shits with her this morning, walked out her room and slammed the door and like always, when he is mad with her he tries to get my sister or I to take the dog down because he doesnt want to see her, he doesnt want to get caught down there and have to talk to her etc. So his ego or whatever is so much more important to him that he will ask his disabled son, who is clearly having a very bad time, is in an extreme amount of pain, who is stuggling to get to the toilet, let alone his own bed to walk what is a fair bit further for him and deal with steps and a dog so you dont have to open a door and let a dog in, just in case Mum says something. You absolute word I cant say here  that starts with a C. That seriously shows just how little he cares about me, if he says he didnt realise then he has to be lying, Ive been like it all day, we were both in the kitchen, etc. He just cared more about himself than he did me, he wasnt prepared to run the risk of having to talk about this morning if he didnt have to even at the expense of his son.

I did manage to get to my bed, I laid down on my right shoulder, I normally do now because of the pain in my left, tonight was the same and I just had cortizone. It didnt take long for me to start spasming pretty intensily, right in the shoulder. I flipped over and next thing I started spasming again but this time it was full body, my whole body just crumpled like a collaspable cup. I became extremely frustrated and got out of bed, kinda in disgust. Ive taken some more sedative, Im hoping that will get me to sleep, if I lay down and spasm again then I wont be sleeping tonight and Ill have to deal with the pain

I think part of my problem  with my family and them recognising how much pain Im in is visually I dont really seem to show it. Like, the last couple days its been on my face Im sure but I dont cry, I dont scream out, it doesnt really show on my face. None of my condtions really have a visual aspect to them, its all a matter of me telling you Im having difficulties and being believed.

Im about to go back to bed. I had some tea, what I normally would eat part of it, I ate all of it. Before I took the sedative, I didnt feel right, but now I feel really off. I feel as spaced as they come, Im not connected to the world at all, just holding something feels like Im holding space and dust, nothing of substance and reality. The pain is really intense, its weird, for the most part that is still firmly fixed in reality, though there are moments where it seems to be very distant, almost as if my spine had been removed and placed on the table. I can still feel the pain, but its detatched and almost easier to manage.

Ive woken up after a few hours sleep, the pain is right up there. Everything is in tremendous pain. I dont really know what to do with myself. Im sitting here typing and my hands are randomly droping and typing themselves. It happens occasionaly, its very frustrating. At this point I went back to bed.

I woke up again only a couple hours later, I got like 4 or 5 hours sleep in total. Given that Im pretty awake, both my sister and I ended up having a very deep and significant talk with Dad, we talked for a few hours I would think. It basically started with a comment or two which resulted in me saying to him that all his discussions with the family were him complaining/winging about the other people in the family. We ended up talking about all sorts of things to do with the family and him. We pointed out that he is frustrated and angry all the time, that we didnt really want to approach him about anything.

[tyme]

Sounds like you need one big hug so you can feel cared for, heard and appreciated. @ClockFace Sometimes, being too familiar with people (like family) can mean they take you for granted. I can only imagining how upsetting it would be for you to be told to do something close to impossible for you at this stage.

I never learnt to appreciate my family until we moved away from each other. I moved to another state, my sisters got married and left home. It was really after that that I could say "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

I'm hearing you. I'm hearing your pain. I'm hearing how unfair things are at the moment. Just look up. Hope onto hope even when all else fails. 

[ClockFace]

So I havent been writing much the last day or so, a fair bit has been happening and I have been talking with family a huge amount. Yesterday I started talking with my sister at 7am, Dad came down and we talked with him for several hours, then I ended up with Mum talking to her for several hours and ended up talking with my sister until 7am this morning. I more or less talked for 24 hours straight. I had some sleep and got up and we talked some more.

This last week hasnt been an easy one, Ive been in ER twice, the first time with blood pressure issues and found out I was in AF. The second with pain issues at which time I was informed that the ER is not here for ongoing pain management and basically that I should stop coming to the ER for my pain. As I attempted to explain to the doctor I am unable to take the medication he injects as a tablet due to underlying issues and that taking it as an injection bypasses those issues. He didnt seem to care or register what I was saying.

I had my MRI, I just fit inside the damn thing, due to the bed thing you lay on and the restrictions to head movement etc I had pretty big issues with my back and I ended up with my legs and arms going completely numb, like painfully numb. I went straight from the MRI to having an ultrasound on my right shoulder. The option was there if it was deemed needed that I could have cortizone injection, which they decided was needed.

I have since had my doctors appointment. I have been referred back to my cardiologist with the intention of wearing a monitor for a week to monitor my BP etc. to determine if I am having BP issues which are causing the dizzyness and to determine if I am going into AF and if anything further needs to be done about this. We talked about medications etc and she took me off one of my meds as we werent sure it was even working but until the MRI results etc came back in and we had an understanding of what was going on she wasnt going to look at muscle relaxants etc yet. It turns out that I have a bursa in my shoulder, I have an impinged nerve, I have chronic damage to my ligiments and calcificaton of my bone. For now its the cortizone but generally speaking my shoulder is pretty knackered.

My pain has exploded, Im pretty well crippled and only just able to fend for myself. My pain medication is not managing my pain, not even close. I dont feel like people appreciate how much pain Im experiencing, that while I am managing to do stuff for myself doesnt mean I have capacity to do stuff for others, at the moment I can only handle me. I dont want to ask anyone to help, the times I have it has been an issue or they have said they will and they dont. So for as long as I can, I want to remain as self reliant as I can be, which means that I have less capacity for others. As Ive said before, we are all so incredibly unwell so its not like Im the only disabled person in the family and the rest pick up the slack, everyone is disabled, so its really hard. So often things are said to the effect I cant you do it, who you is doesnt matter, so long as that you is not me. Unfortunately, Dad ends up being the recipient of the you quite often, not so much for me as I manage myself but definately for Mum who cant everyday and my sister is a regular. There is resentment and issues that arise from this. Mum doesnt do much at all, she is essentially reliant on the rest of us entirely for pretty much everything. She will ring Dad and ask him to go to the fridge in the laundry and bring her some yogurt because she cant do that herself but at the same time she will complain that he wont help her look after a horse if she buys one, so she can walk it around the block, brush it, etc. I do agree and understand his point, if you cant get your own yogurt from a fridge down the hallway then how can you expect him to think you can look after a horse. He does not want to look after a horse, he doesnt want anymore jobs, anymore responcibilities, he said no to another horse, he said he would not look after another horse in any way. If you cant look after the horse yourself 100% yourself, without any expectation of him helping you, then dont get the horse and you cant blame Dad for this situation.

This is something, in the talking recently, the expectation is constantly, that Dad will pick up everything that primarily Mum but my sister as well cant or decide not to keep doing. We got a dog for my Mum to get her out of her room, it didnt work, so Dad did it again. He now has 2 dogs of hers he feeds, she has one come down and sleep with her but thats it, the rest of the day its on everyone else to deal with them. There are many other animals that have been bought for the same reason with the same result. She complains no one took her to see my sister while she was in hospital, there was reasons at times where taking her down was not a good idea or just wouldnt work. She is not overly mobile and the distance she would have had to travel was just too much. That said, in 5.5 months she could have found a time where she could manage to get down and see her and there were days we tried, which is what I said to her, we tried to wake you and you wouldnt wake up. The whole time though she is blaming Dad and I that she didnt get taken to see my sister. As I said to her today, I was up dealing with a mountain of stuff, in this instance, while I know she isnt well, I needed her to step up and get out of bed and come down to be ready to come with me, not expect me to run around after you as well so you can get organised to be driven down to see your daughter for a while, driven back, where you can go back to bed all after winging about how tired you are now after all the excitement, where Im getting so little sleep, Im running around like headless chook to look after your daughter, you put in 5 min effort that I had to be the motivation for you to even get out of bed for. It ticks me off that she feels its acceptable to feel and then project her disappointment onto me or or Dad that you couldnt get your shit togetherfor your daughter and that when we tried to wake you that you still couldnt get up.

There is this attitude that we should, despite our issues, be able to continue our lives as they were or as we want them to be and if and/or when we fall/fail Dad is there to catch us. Its not fair on him, there has to be a time when we are responsible for our actions and Dad is not blamed because he didnt swoop in and save the day. Additionally, he has never been that person, he has never been super generous, etc so why does Mum in particular expect Dad to act differently according to everything he has done in the past out of the blue. If you want him to do differently then you need to engage him and discuss things. If you can organise for him to get you some yougurt or this and that, then you can get him to come down and discuss how you guys react to circumstances affecting your children. Also, yes you're not well, this doesnt mean Dad becomes super Dad and he all the sudden remembers everything and is perfect in his engagement with you to make sure you feel fully informed day to day, regardless of you're fluctuations in memory. If you are unable to find a way for you to remember to do stuff and you rely on Dad to remind you, dont tell him to F off when he does, find a reason to be mad at him for doing so, not understanding that he is frustrated too and dismiss his feelings about the situation. That isnt to say Dad couldnt do better, that he isnt an arsehole at times, etc. but the flat accusation that he doesnt care etc. is unfair and unwarranted.

The difficulty is that Dad has such a history of not being there for any of us, for not following through with what he says, prioritising other things over our needs, emphasising his expectations for us over the reality of our situation that when he even hints at doing anything similar to any of this that we all get our backs up, Mum especially. Also for what ever reason, Mum feels that her situation allows her immunity from any responcibility to any situation and if Dad doesnt react how she thinks he should have then there is an issue, but at no time did she pull herself together and provide some indication as to what Dad should do. There is also the problem that Dad has provided Mum no/little/mixed information as to what they as parents can actually do to provide support.

Here is a major series of issues as I see it, Mum was injured 6 years ago resulting in a brain injury, then 4 years ago major heart surgery and further heart procedures so she isnt the same person she was. Dad has in his mind that he has looked after her pretty much on his own this whole time, where it was my sister, so my sister doesnt feel appreciated. Dad kept saying at one point they had no money for anything, including Mum's medical needs so it was left to my sister to pay for it and now he complaining that he has to pay it back. Mum blames everyone else because they didnt bring everything she needs to participate and support the family on a silver platter. How is it supporting the family if all the work is done for you, you just sign your name to it? She goes on that Dad didnt do this or that, but she didnt either, she chose to tell Dad to do it and then watch TV rather than do it herself. For my part, I have stayed out of it for the most part. I left home for a decade, the relationships were strained. When I came back I was very sick and relationships were even more strained. I concentrated on dealing with myself and getting to the point of more and more independance. I didnt feel that I had the capacity to contribute more than going to work and dealing with my own shit and to an extent I still dont, when I do reach out I end up taking steps back. Also when I came home, as I said I was sick, but the dynamic had changed a lot. It was the three of them and me, I wasnt part of the family, I was a burden and to an extent I still feel this way, which is probably why I try and deal with as much as I can for me, myself.

I said a day or so ago that I felt like my sister stole Mum away from me, I would add that to an extent that I feel Mum abandoned me in favor of my sister. Dad was never really around to begin with. So its little wonder I dont feel like I am apart of the family. Dont get me wrong, there was and is a connection there but I feel more like a guest with benefits, Ive never really fit in with them, but they will help me financially, they will take me to hospital if needed, now days I can tell them whats going on medically but its generally just the facts. But I work, I provide board, I do chores, I look after myself for the most part and I help as needed. My sister is more involved, they all talk about decisions, she helps etc but she is involved in determining the direction of the family, where as I am just informed.

There is so much he said this, she said that in this family, people are so quick to blame others for their own failings or to not appreciate the failings of others as anything more than a failing, its always a deliberate attack, or that they do not care enough to think about things. There is an assumption that people are out to get one another not that others are sick, that others are aging, that others are tired etc. There is this attitude that it is expected that people will understand and appreciate that you cant do different things, something simple as your memory, but you will not make that same allowance for others. You know, Dad forgot Mum had an appointment so he didnt make sure she was awake, when he went to wake her at the normal time, mad rush. It isnt a matter of Dad simply forgetting, he should have done this, he should have done that or he doesnt care about Mum etc.

There is so much hurt felt by each person that everyone is looked at through eyes of suspision. Mum will not let go of any and every failings of Dad through out their marriage, she brings them up and throws them in his face over and over, like they happened yesterday. She says its because she wants closure but if he appologises, says she was right etc. he doesnt mean it and so forth. I obviously have my issues with each of them, I still try to be ok with things but some things done, even if they are accepted as mistakes etc still have consequences. Some of it people still dont realise how much of an impact their decision has had on me, they are still doing it or they accept no accountability for it. There is a bit of of oversensitivity of things, which is probably componded a bit more as time goes on. Dad unfortunately does often end up the central figure to blame, he has to take a fair bit of the responcibility for things because of some of the decisions he has made, especially the big overaching family decisions. That said, I think he does get blamed for things that arent completely his fault or others could have also stepped up and taken action. The argument that Im sick of always doing it, always being the bad guy, always this or that doesnt fly when you are watching a train wreck in progress you interced even if you prevented every train wreck in history. A source of my issue with my Mum. I was sick, I wasnt paying rent to Dad, Dad didnt come and try and work with me, Mum kept telling him to but at no point did she make a move to come over and try and help. You know that really bugs me, Mum tells Dad to do something in regards to me instead of doing it herself. She knows Dad rarely actually gets involved in out lives in a real parental capacity, so the likelyhood when I need him is he isnt going to be there, he hasnt been in the past, why would he now. Lets say he listens to Mum and does help, awesome. If he doesnt get up off your arse and instead of sitting there thinking, I told Dad so I shouldnt have to or whatever, you step in before things turn completely for shit for your son. Worse still she does it time and again. As I have told her, there is an attitude of she is dealing with my sister and Dad is to deal with me. But they (sister and Mum) prioritise a lot of his time, he is not a deal with things parent, like he isnt going to sit and talk about issues, help with budgets etc. Anything he thinks that I should be able to deal with at my age, regardless of my circumstances, he just isnt going to help with much. If I came to him and pushed the point he might, but I wont really go to Dad and do that, if he wont help after Mum says to Im not going to beg. I might ask for help, if he doesnt help I wont beg. If he cant see I need help Im not going to beg. Through out my life Dad has found ways not to spend time with me, the family. He was begged and still he didnt. At this point in my life, I dont see a point in begging and being hurt even more than getting nothing from asking. But the same applies to Mum. She knows I need help, she asked Dad so of course she knows. She would or should be aware that within a given time frame that Dad hasnt helped. When she becomes aware of this, ask again but if that doesnt work, help me yourself. There is a part of me that feels that knowing Dad's history and that you can help and he doesnt and you dont, you're both arseholes. You both have left me to drown time and again, Mum blaming Dad might make her feel better, but it doesnt absolve her of her inaction.

My sister irritates the shit out of me, she has this attitude that when things go wrong for her everyone else should fix it. Like there is a period of time when my sister was in hospital where I was looking after her and I would run out of money and I would borrow money from her to be able to keep going. I mean what else was I supposed to do, I couldnt just pull money out of thin air and my sister wanted me there etc. I organised a way where the money could be paid to her via a 3rd party. She had to do a couple of things but I would take care of the rest. I also made it very clear if she didnt do what she needed to, I would not be paying it. Which I think is only fair, why should I pay this money back, if I have given an avenue to be paid where no one is out any more money and for whatever reason you didnt do your bit, why should I wear the consequence. Next thing is its my fault, after a while its Dads fault cause he didnt step in. But at no point has it been my Mum's or has my sister worn any of the blame. I get she was sick, she had supports galore so she could have gone to them, there is also the point that being in hosital for half a year is going to mean that you will end up taking a financial hit, you cant handball that onto anyone else you can think to handball it too. I get pretty upset, I have spent heaps of time, money and everything else and because she didnt do what I needed her to do within a reasonable amount of time she thinks I should wear that cost as well, its like she is saying I havent done enough for her. Then, having spoken to Mum in the past and her agreeing that if my sister didnt do what was needed I shouldnt have to pay, my sister finds out, through me that its too late because no one has talked to as expected, the first thing Mum does is back flip and say I should have to pay and denies ever saying I shouldnt. You know, immediately she is trying to protect my sister by throwing me under the bus, without batting an eye lid. Im not saying that she shouldnt be helped, but if it is at the expense of others all the time and because you like her more than them, its not fair. The number of times recently I have heard my Mum say how in different ways she would have cut my sister a break financially because of what she has done for the family. Then because she is on DSP, I didnt need the help because I worked. What bugged me is that at no point was there any consideration as to how they could have helped me financially in the past or going forwards, without strings like my sister often gets. I dont particularly look for or want a hand out from my parents, they help me with a roof over my head etc already. Its just that no matter what I face, what I do for the family or my sister, etc. I dont get the same consideration financially. I borrow the money from Dad, I pay for everything surrounding my sisters hospital stay, etc. and I take it on the chin. When it comes to my own medical care again Ive borrowed money, but its on me to pay for everything. I think that the annoyance really sits in when I came moved up to be closer to them and I racked up a debt for rent, apparently Dad could have done an insurance claim but thought it would be too hard with me being his son so instead he left me to pay the debt. This set me so far back, when I was sick and trying to recover and due to my illness had taken on massive debt. Its like he stuck it in, when I was down because it was too much effort to even try. The amount of debt I ended up in after that situation and the amount that I took on personally that I might not have really had to is huge and my sister complains about a few grand and now wants me to add hers to my debt. It makes me feel like its Dad all over again, whats the easiest way for me to not have to wear this. I mean Im still trying to get the information I need so I can apply for bankruptcy. I have actually drowned, Im applying for bankruptcy and my sister and Mum are still trying to tie weights around my neck. Its like they blame me wholly for my financial position so why should they care about helping me or minimising my exposure, especially if it means my sister might have to wear it instead, even if it is equally fair that she should.

Mum always went on about treating my sister and I equally, like we each got the same amount for presents etc. but through out the year, inbetween, my Mum looked out for my sister far more than me. But its not the financial inbalance, its the time and attention inbalance. Its that I couldnt reach out to either parent and get anything resembling support or even some kind of attention because it was being poured into my sister. Then I get, from Mum, that I was always too busy to spend time with them when they were in town. When I had asked on many occassions to give me a decent amount of notice, talk to me and lets make plans because drop of a hat I have plans and Im not able to change them, people were often relying on me. It was almost like she was testing me to see who was more important, which always stuck in the back of my throat because as I said she bailed on me for my sister and now expected that I would drop everything I had built for myself at short notice for her. It always seemed so unfair, so manipulative. I get that my sister needed my Mum a lot for years on years but the fact that in amongst that she couldnt find time for me seems so much more like a choice than a requirement. To a degree, not a big one, Dad didnt spend time with me, he went off and did what he wanted or thought was more important than me, but he didnt tell Mum to deal with me and he didnt pin it on Mum later on. Mum however, while she might not have been able to spend heaps of time with me, never did but pinned it on Dad. There was never the thought either that Dad could watch my sister for a day so Mum and I could spend the day together. Like there were so many options where Mum could have spent time with me, but again, she chose to invest in my sister and ignore me.

My sister has run out of money, she has borrowed money from Mum and now is off with Mum's card and not returning it. It was brought up in conversation between my sister and I and she said to me that Mum has x amount of money and I dont have any as if she should be entitled to the money Mum has. The money Mum has is for her security etc. basically its her escape plan, my sister should understand that but now she is without money, Mum's security, freedom, peace of mind doesnt matter. It bugs me that she thinks she is entitled to all this money. My sister has done stuff to help the family, to help Mum, me and Dad individually and she is now in a bad place, but instead of trusting that we will/are doing the right thing she is trying to enforce it and lay claim to it, without regard to their needs. The other part to this is that she is not borrowing money for living expenses or at least she is not using it all for those purposes. Sure she is getting her drinks etc but shes also buying hand bags, stuff to finish organising her room, stuff for this, stuff for that, she is of the opinion that she should still have anything and everything that she wants regardless of her financial situation and that someone else should just foot the bill. There is this desk, its expensive but she wants it, she cant afford it but it would seem that she has railroaded my parents into buying it. My sister is on DSP, what ever she uses of my Mum and Dads money that they dont actually owe her from last year shee will not be able to pay back. If I borrow money, Im going back to a job so I can repay them, however this isnt certain so I am being very cautious on this front. If I borrow money it has been for medical expenses, I dont spend it on just anything I want. I spend money on things my Dad doesnt approve and I probably dont need, etc. But I essentially survive finacially, I just make ends meet and my sister spends thousands on plants, or this or that. Then she goes and buys a brand new car because she cant possibly share a car with me or buy a car she can afford and a couple months on, oh woe is me.

Mum was on about that its not fair that Dad gets to say no to the hobbies she wants to do and that at some point she is going to need Dads help in the persuit of that hobby. I didnt say anything, I told he not to worry about it but to go to bed. But Im all for supporting peoples hobbies and passions but why do you think you can chose to have a hobby that requires Dads involvement and provide him with another chore in search of your happiness. If he choses to agree to this, thats one thing but he has the right to say he isnt doing that, thats not the same as saying no to you having a hobby. I keep going back to with her and my sister, you can do what you want but if it involves someone else, just because you want to doesnt mean they have to.

The pain has been pretty much excessive, I have been taking more pain relief than before and still I am unable to bring my pain under control. It doesnt seem to matter what I take, I am unable to find a way to minimise the pain, particularly to a managable and sustainable amount. I lay down a fair bit as it gives temporary relief and it means I can put off taking pain killers, but I miss out on 1/2 my life. The pain is my main focus, its at the forefront of my mind all the time, its like a screaming child you cant take your attention off of it. I had my pain specialist basically bail on me, then ER didnt want me coming back in and then my GP took meds away but wouldnt try other meds in their place, I feel like everyone is just like yes you're in pain, no we are not doing anything to help manage it.

My mental health is really suffering, I spend 4-6 hours a day where I am dealing with psychotic symptoms, hallucinating, disassociation etc. We pulled back on my meds, with the intention I would have a psychiatrist by now but I have been left kinda stranded and shits getting worse and after much pushing I have an appointment but its in a month but in the mean time no one wants to touch me.

There are so many other things going on as well, each thing to be dealt with seperately and in conjunction with the other stuff. Finally add in the mayhem of my family and it gets way too much.

It doesnt help that I dont feel understood or my situation appreciated by my family. That there is an expectation that regardless of my medical circumstances that I continue on like anyone else, as if I did not have these issues. That no matter what is said or done, I just was not in enough pain, discomfort etc. to warrant mercy and a break. That everyone elses issues always out ranked mine. There is also the thing that I will say that I am not in touch with reality, Im really struggling etc. and nothing changes, no one talks to me or interacts with me any differently, no one is gentler, refains from asking difficult questions or of me making decisions, it is as if I didnt say anything at all. I dont think that they understand what I am saying or how big of an impact it actually has. I know its just a feeling, that its not real, but for me in the moment its as real as you are. There is also the concern that builds as the length of time impacted grows, am I going to escape this time because there is a fear that it will overwhelm me completely. With all that going on in my mind, I tell my parents or sister and they seem absolutly unfazed by what I said.

I said to my Dad today that he doesnt get mental health, which he doesnt and he agrees, but from our point of view he doesnt try. With it being such a big part of our lives, not understanding it means you dont understand us, worse still not wanting to try means, to us, we are not worth trying to understand. Dad did say that he didnt understand how a person can change so much so quickly, he cant wrap his head around how an event like my brief psychotic episode can fundementally change a person so much that they are so different that they are a different person. He cant understand how Mum can do one thing and something that seems so similar to him she cant. I tried to get him to get to the point not of understanding but just accepting that this is how it is. We are not lying, we are not manipulating, we are not this or that, this is a matter of fact and we all, including him have to accept it.a

[ClockFace]

It seems to me that no one in this house can be actually remotely honest with themselves or each other. They all blame one another for their own failings and short comings. They carry on that others prevent them from doing what they want or need to do. Everyone feels unappreciated by the others for everything they do. Everyone feels like they are taking on more than their fair share. Essentially, everyone is looking at themselves and deciding that they are worse off than anyone else and unable to consider the needs of others, more so that those needs are ligitament, that people arent lying etc.

The other thing is no one can be honest with others, the exception being towards Dad and an  extent me, though in these instances its more a dumping ground, blowing off steam. People say what they  think you want them to say depending on who  they are speaking to, or who they like/prioritise more. The amount of winging about each other to others is incredible but when confronted they back down. No one can actually speak their mind openly without being attacked, this is particularly hard because so much information is twisted. People tell others that something happened and its 1/2 a story or a manipulated self serving version of the story. Failing that they infer what happened, allow people to fill in the gaps and not correct them. What happens with all of this is everyone looks bad and untrustworthy all the time to each other in an attempt to be closer to certain people. Rather than developing relationships with each other on their own grounds, destroying the relationships of others to create a void in which you can fill is the way of it.

Its difficult for me because I am more direct. If its worth talking about, its worth talking about with the person. I mean get advise etc but the end result should be that you discuss things with the person you have a concern with. I do fall into the same trap at times but generally speaking Im that way. It gets me in trouble, it ticks people off. Its often taken that if I confront someone that I have a problem with them as a person as a whole, not that I have a problem with the issue Im addressing. If its not that then its that there is yet another problem someone has with me, no one likes me as a person.

There is an attitude that if you dont do things the way I say or think you should then thats license to pile on and make it harder for you. There is way  to many chiefs, everyone wants to be in charge. Then there is the, this is the way so and so does it, so thats the only way to do it, even if the result is the same, you're wrong. Finally, Ive told you once thats enough or you should just know, I did it this way for x number of years how do you not know.

The amount people assume and then pass on as fact is amazing. I will be speaking to Mum about something and she will tell me part of a story which is based in fact and then continue with the story and she is assuming the rest and I know the facts and can correct and then there is an argument about who is right. That if we get this second hand it is a simple matter of some modifications to make it work, but those modifications are up to Dad to do and he says he cant do it, it would cost more or take too long etc and he is wrong, not listening to her, etc. My sister was annoyed and frustrated at me because I lived alone for 10 years so I knew how to clean, so why didnt I notice things needing to be cleaned as I walked around the house. It wasnt until recently she learnt that I would clean methodically, in that I would clean  certain things at certain times through out the week, not as needed, not looking around for mess. Added to which, it was a small place, mess and things needing to be done stood out more than in this massive house.

I woke up a few times last night with my quilt mainly off and I was freezing cold. Ive managed to go into Coles and get some meals etc a fair while ago, but I am still well knackered. My back is incredibly painful but I have to really try and hold off on my break through meds. I got my allowance on Tuesday afternoon and Im 1/2 way through already so Im going to go back to bed for a while. The likelyhood is that I probably would have soon enough anyhow but I need to be more cautious now with limited medication and no ER to fall back on.

I just went and had a chat with Mum a bit over 3 hours later. She is finally admitting that my sister has screwed them over, like tens of thousands of dollars over. Amazingly, Dad is just as at fault as my sister for it all, the fact Mum wouldnt do her bit and told them not to do anything  until she had is completely over looked. Dad should have just done something. At the end of the day, in my book, my sister is the one who is ultimately responsible. She was aware of how much was borrowed, how much was paid back, even if it was round figures. Not only did she do all that, she borrowed money from Mum claiming if was for money I owed her, even though I had told her that if she didnt do what I had asked she wouldnt be paid, then all the sudden I magically owed her money from before Christmas that she can provide any evidence for, that I dont remember owing. Now she takes my Mums card and is spending money on just stuff, stuff thats not critical, even that important, but thats ok Mum has heaps of money. The terrible thing is that my sister has absolutly no way of paying any of this back. Im trying to stay out of it as much as I can but still be there for Mum. Ive borrowed money at different times and paid it back, Ive taken loans to pay it back, hell Ill be going bankrupt and thats for far less than what my sister seemingly has stolen from my parents. I dont know the truth, no one can sit down and say figures and this happened here and this was paid there, no one knows exactly what is actually going on. So, while it would sound very very likely she has screwed them over its hard to tell. If she has, where has the money gone, if she hasnt the same question. What ever the answer, where the money is, who has it, etc. someone is full of shit, someone is not telling the whole truth and whoever that person is, Im seriously disappointed in them.

She was talking about Dad quite a bit, while I agree on many levels he is not my favourite person, he frustrates the hell  out of me. His attitude towards me and my disabilities, illnesses and mental health concerns drives me up the wall and so much more. But, I dont believe that everything he does is designed to make life harder for us, for Mum in particular. I think my sister and my Mum need to realise, actually properly realise that Dad is sick too and he cant do everything and be everything for everyone. If you are going to sit and tell him how useless he is, how he doesnt this or doesnt that, then you arent going to actually get far, his mental health is going to suffer and eventually he will stop. You cant flog someone no matter what they do for you or how well continously without them eventually leaving or turning on you. I just cant seem to get it through to her, I cant get her to understand that she just cant expect him to continously do stuff for her, that each 1/2 hr job that she says are only 1/2 hr add up to hours and Dad didnt retire to run around doing odd jobs for her and my sister they dont want to do, they would say cant but plenty of stuff they can. In addition to that, he has enough going on, that we dont need to get stuff that involves him doing things, even if its for you and blah blah blah. Ie, dont buy a horse expecting when you cant look after it, that Dad will, yet again.

I feel like the last few days are catching up on me. Ive spent a lot of time talking to my family as individuals and in pairs and its a lot for me, especially when its so much emotional stuff. There has been a bit of medical stuff earlier in the week, part of that is to do with AF, which my Mum has and it has messed her up a fair bit so Im kinda freaking out about that. I dont think she or anyone in my family, has thought far enough to consider how this would affect me. I know that the situation is different, but it seems to me that a big issue for my Mum is the AF, so Im fair scared of having AF, even if its not as bad as Mum's, yet, Im still pretty worried. I havent had a huge amount of sleep recently, Im back to not being able to sleep during the day, while Im still struggling to sleep at night. Im awake during the night for a few hours on and off but so tired Im dozing in my chair. Id go back to sleep in my bed but my back cant handle laying down anymore or my shoulder needs a decent break because I keep laying on it that night. While my sister regularly sleeps at the kitchen table, trying to get her to understand and accept that yes I know Im dozing at the table, like you do, but given my current circumstances I need to be sitting upright is impossible. Worst thing is, I doze off and when I wake I have a smoke, just about every time for some reason so I go through a heap and feel like shit, like ive eaten an ash tray.

My sister is away for the weekend, so I am hoping to get a bit of a break as well. She isnt a problem as such, she just tends to say a sentance here and there pretty regularly. I am generally writting this stuff and watching media streaming most the time, so random sentances, often more statements or nonsensequal are pretty irritating, they continually break my concentration and while I have tried to gently bring the topic up with her, she doesnt get it. That all said, Dad has so far, kinda taken her place. This morning he was doing the same thing, Im not sure if he was trying to start a conversation or something, but wasnt getting the idea that I was conversationally worn out. It was almost like he was trying to jump into having a relationship with me, Im not sure what it was, but there was something about what he was saying, talking about or trying to talk about that made me feel like he was trying to impose a closeness, familiarity, a level of relationship that isnt there. I love Dad but our relationship isnt really that close, its not like I grew up playing out the back with him, with him and I restoring a car or something. He was always distant, more often than not he was off doing something other than building a relationship with me. This morning it was like he was trying to have that relationship with me.

Im gonna go to bed in a minute, I am so tired. I feel pretty much like shit, hopefully some sleep will help that.

[ClockFace]

With my last psychologist and councillor I wrote an email leading up to my appointment. I dont have a simple thing of Im this or that and I need to deal with it. I have multiple mental health issues, lots of physical health issues, severe chronic pain issues, toxic family, everyone in my family is disabled as well, financial etc. issues. So it would take a number of sessions to get someone up to speed, it would be hard too with keeping up with when this or that happened etc. Its pretty complicated, its really complex and very time consuming to relay to someone, not to mention you forget things, when you are verbally recounting things its so easy to skip over a section or you think you have said something you havent. So I write the basics down in an email now and send it to them, if they read it then they do, if not then they didnt. I wrote that last night/today, its helpful but at the same time, you're reminded of all the shit you're dealing with, whats been going on, whats wrong and how  little you mean to those around you. The realisation of how my Mum wasnt there for me from a young age because she was with my sister for whatever reason and Dad was basically not around meant I was effectively left to work life out for myself from a pretty young age. Oh I had meals and the house was clean and if I hurt myself someone was there, but investing time, teaching me, helping me work out who I was that was overlooked. Mum tried a bit, a talk here or there when I was real young but the regular, ongoing investment was missing.

Dad had a lot on, which Ive said before, but if I were honest about it, as I got older I realised that it wasnt so much that he had stuff on, that he had found other things to do, it was that he just wasnt that interested in spending time with me. Other than working to earn enough to pay the bills, it appears to me that Dad wasnt overly interested in being a parent. Dad said tonight that he felt that as a parent he had to let us try first and so he stood back however it seems to me that he didnt try, even when we were obviously failing and in danger, he still didnt step in.

Again however, the realisation over the last few days is that Mum wasnt much better, she tried at times, she talked with me about important topics etc at times but there is a part of me that feels like she really only wanted to be a parent to her daughter, she couldnt or didnt want to be one to both children. I do appreciate that she sat me down and had the difficult talks, the sex talks, etc. with me, she tried to teach me what it was to be a man. That was shit my Dad should have done and it should have been more so by example and he did its just the example he showed me was shit and distant. You know its hard to set an example for a kid when you come home and finally stop after they have gone to bed each night. As much as Mum tried, much of what she was trying to do isnt something you can create a lesson plan for, you cant instruct a kid in these ways by talking to them once or twice. As I say, its setting an example, its a regular ongoing process, it takes time and investment and my Dad wasnt willing to provide that and within the context of this, Mum couldnt.

There are good reasons why my sister needed Mum pretty intensily at times, injury, illness, trauma, etc. But there was a point growing up, where Mums time and attention was directed towards my sister almost exclusively. I get that girls will need that time at times, I get that different things will mean the focus will shift. What I dont get is how you can have two children, a father you are fully aware is pretty  much absent and still chose to put one child to the side over the other. To know your son is not getting investment from his father and decide to withhold your investment from him to and give that investment to your daughter. To continue that for years, decades and wonder why your son wont drop everything to spend time with you last minute, why you dont have the relationship you want with him and to claim when he says and does stuff you dont like that you didnt raise him that way. Its like you blame him for your choice not to invest in him as a person, instead to invest in your daughter.

My sister doesnt understand what she has been given, all the time with Mum, all the attention. She doesnt understand what was taken from me and given to her. Its not even that she doesnt understand, she doesnt appreciate it. All I wanted when I was younger was to have time spent on me like my sister, with my Mum but it never happened and here she is complaining because time wasnt enough for her. I got asked by my sister recently why all the sudden Im spending time with Mum and I gave a number of reasons, all of which are true but a big part is that she is available now. My sister has slept in the same bed as my Mum for years, they have been pretty well joined at the hip. All the sudden they arent, all the sudden Mum is on her own for extended periods of time when I am also free. Its been a long time since Mum's time hasnt been fully utilised by my sister.

Over the past year or so, before she found her way into a mental health facility, my sister changed. All the sudden she decided that, after everything she has done in the past, she was now entitled to pretty much what she wanted. She stopped waiting for what she expected as appreciation for the things she did, she decided just to take it. House sale money, money from Mums account, money she claimed Dad owed her, etc. She just took it or said it was hers and demanded it. I am hurt that she has done this, Im hurt for my parents sake but for my own as well, I might not have lost anything fiscally but I lost my sister in many ways. I dont know how she could do this to them, Dad might not have been overly generous to her but Mum sure was. She got all the time she could want and Mum made sure she basically had what she wanted but when Mum got sick and that stopped or at least didnt come as easily she turned on them. Mum might not have been giving my sister large sums of money regularly, but she was buying things for her so she didnt have to, presents, etc. I wasnt having these things bought for me, I wasnt having them done for me. But I didnt decide that my sister had been treated better so I would just take what I thought I was owed.

Something was said the other day which really hurt, that wasnt intended to. My sister said there were times when it was Mum and her in the bed and they just couldnt bear the sight of one another, they didnt want anything to do with each other. Sounds like something that would happen when you're living close together. Thing is, all I could think is if you couldnt stand the sight of my sister, you wanted nothing to do with her you could have spent time with me. The fact that you didnt shows me that even in that state, even after so long with her that you dont want to look at her you couldnt spend time with me, that not only couldnt you stand the sight of me, you didnt want anything to do with me, to the point you would continue to spend time with my sister. It amazes me the depths to which my Mum seems not to like me and not want to spend time with me. I almost feel that my sister isnt spending much time with Mum at the moment so Ill do and thats why we are talking. If my sister was to start talking to my Mum, spending time with her, Im pretty sure Id be put on the back burner. Which is pretty evident, when my sister texts, Mum ignores me and answers her, when she rings, same, to the point I have just left the room and even though Ive asked that my sister doesnt come in while Mum and I are talking and make it all about her. Now she asks before interupting, which Mum promptly gives her permission. Even though she is spending time with me, given the option she will chose to spend time with my sister over me.

Mum and I talked about her and my sister going away a bit when growing up etc. It never bugged me that they did but that Mum never took me. Her comment the other day was that I wouldnt have enjoyed manicures and what not. Which is very true, but if you took me away why would you expect to do the same things with my that my sister would like. Why wouldnt you organise to do stuff that I would have liked? The only answers I can think of is that it was more important that you enjoyed yourself than spending time with me and/or you didnt actually know me well enough to be able to organise enough stuff for us to do that I would enjoy.

The reality is/was that Mum decided, early on, that I was Dad's problem, she was going to concentrate on my sister. It didnt matter that Dad had shown time and again that he would find anything else to do other than spend time with his family. Mum will say that my sister had this or that happen, medical issues etc that needed Mum to spend time with my sister to help her recover, which is true. But, she didnt go from one issue to another, she wasnt constantly in hospital, etc. there was plenty of time where my sister was at home, where she was ok, times where Mum could have decided to spend some time with me. Maybe if she did or if she valued the time we did spend together, she would be aware how bad school was for me. I know I told my parents on more than one occasion but clearly my wellbeing wasnt a priority so much so they dont remember it now, it almost feels like they are negating what happened and the affect it has had on my life. That she is so focused on my sister that she cant remember a life defining issue, that I was regularly getting the shit kicked out of me, that I was hated by my class mates, not that I just had no friends. The fact that I was miserable  and at a young age I was telling them that I wanted to die, that seems not to have stuck in anyones minds, nor did it prompt any action on their behalf to do anything.

I get Mum was severely depressed when I was quite young, when I was in year 7 she went away for ages to like a mental health facility, a Christian one, but it wasnt exactly what I would call a mental health facility and I think they installed some weird ideas in her head. You couldnt leave until you were off medications, very God based, very strict, etc. The meds thing sticks with her, she is on meds but is forever trying to reduce and is forever on about the amount I take. She has a major issue with them, even if they are working, especially if they are working, if they are working then you should start trying to reduce what you take. My GP isnt a fan of unnessessary meds, she often looks at what can be culled, but if its working then it stays.

Mum didnt initially want to go but in the end she recons that it was the best thing she ever did. She was there for around 20 weeks. From what Im told, my Dad really had no idea what to do with my sister and I while Mum was gone. We ended up being looked after by the pastors wife quite a bit, there were more than one burnt meal. It wasnt the best period of my Dad's life and its like everyone has the opinion that he didnt step up/step up enough. Yes, looking back he should have known how to prepare some meals etc. but if he was never taught how would he, besides which his Mum was a horrible cook. There is all this stuff he is told he should have known but he didnt, so how could he step up and do what he didnt know how to do. I think the biggest issue is not that he didnt know, he resisted learning etc. because he wasnt happy with the circumstances. He didnt/doesnt understand mental health issues, he has a problem with them so Mum getting help and leaving the family he had a problem with, so why should he learn to cook etc. This is obvious when Mum recounts some of what Dad said to her at the time. After my own experiences with mental health and him, I can certainly imagine that what Mum says Dad said is true.

I found the time where Mum essentially disappeared incredibly hard. I dont remember it being explained what was happening at the time, if I had been I didnt understand thats for sure. I remember I flipped out in class at one point, broke down in tears a complete mess. I was scared Mum wasnt coming back. We werent allowed to see her for ages, I can never nail down if this was rules of where she was or if this was imposed by Dad. It had a massive affect on my sister, if I remember correctly it was at this time she started sleeping in front of the front door because she was so worried someone else would leave.

Leading up to her leaving, I remember that she would lay on the lounge for hours and days just crying or she wouldnt get out of bed at all. With her brain injury and heart issues, she doesnt leave her room, she crys a fair bit but not as much as back then, but it reminds me a fair bit of before she went away. For some reason Mum cant see it, what she does see she blames on Dad, she cant accept that maybe depression is playing a bigger role than she believes, that she needs help to deal with it and that Dad isnt completely responsible for her state of mind. My sister has developed a similar thing but instead of Dad its everyone.

Mum says that Dad was never around enough, that he didnt spend enough time with me so he was never a good role model for what it was to be a man. It is true that Dad wasnt around much, he made sure that between work and everything else that he wasnt around, he wasnt available to the family. More or less this remains true even to today. Its also true that he kept himself busy enough that he and I spent little time together. Over the years we have done a few things together, primarily after Mum pushed and pushed. It was very evident to me, even at a young age that Dad didnt wake up on a Saturday morning and think to himself that he would spend the day with me, if Dad was spending time with me, it was because Mum had worn him down. Not a great feeling to have as a kid, particularly a lonely kid, with no friends, getting beaten at school often and the other parent was wrapt up in his sister and didnt really have time for him as well. So, the only person that spent time with me, was my Dad, who didnt want to do it but did it to shut my Mum up who also didnt want to do it, which is why she was pushing for Dad to spend time with his son. Pretty much I felt like no one wanted to spend time with me, not even my parents, therefore I must be pretty unloveable and that there was something seriously wrong with me.

While Dad was away etc he did teach me what it was to be a man. The problem is that Mum didnt like what my Dad was teaching me, that the man he was creating wasnt the man she wanted her son to become. Dad taught me that the job of a father is to provide and that what people outside the home matters more than what people inside the home think. Once he had provided the finances that he could for the family, his job was done. It was up to Mum to make it work, to make it last the week or fortnight, while making sure he had what he wanted. She was to be there for us kids, thats a womans job. Men are to deal with outside the home and repair/maintenance inside, women maintain, cook, kids etc. It was important to preach what you believe but within the house if it gets in the way, its ok to ignore you're own preaching. It is more important for you to look good to others, than it is to stand up as a role model for your family or to stand up for your family. Your family can be wrong, so correct them but they are never completely wrong so stand up for them and seek justice for them where they are right.

The thing my Mum misses is that she plays a major role in how I develop as a man. She regularly says that Dad should act like the head of the house, its his role and he doesnt fufil it. But at every opportunity she undermines him as does my sister, she wont allow him to make decisions unless she agrees with that decision, unless its the way she would do it. She openly berates him in front of my sister and I and rarely takes accountability for her involvement in a decision that had a poor outcome. She will sit and happily blame Dad for everything, again he is the head of the house so it sits with him is used if no other reason to blame him can be found. She puts my sister in front of him all the time, if my sister makes a poor decision, instead of her wearing the consequences, Dad is expected to fix things. I see and hear all this and I learn that as a man, I am supposed to just accept the abuse of women, for no other reason than they cant be wrong, they cant be partially wrong even if they are wrong and you were not involved, you didnt even know something was happening, then its still your responcibility, your more wrong and you should fix it.

What I learnt from my Dad and from my Mum is really unappealing, I dont like the expectations that my Dad has of me as a man, I dont like the disconnection that he has. I am a loner, I like solitude but I also spend time with people talking, I am there for others when they really need me. I have no intention of being anyones punching bag, Ive taken enough abuse in my life, Im not going to take it from those who are supposed to love me. I believe in taking responcibility for my actions, for living what I preach, for being accountable. I do expect that in others which rarely goes well. While Mum and Dad were there, they werent really there for me so instead of looking to either as actual role models, they were examples that I evaluated. I listened to teachers, to preachers, etc and learnt from them too. I feel that instead of simply following in the footsteps of my Mum or Dad, I chose most of what I thought was desireable. Of course I picked up things from both without trying, I see aspects of both Mum and Dad in me, some of which I am not completely happy about. Its not like I do stuff the same as him or think the same as him, its I sound like him or I dont care about the same things.

I know Dad wasnt/isnt perfect, he will admit that he isnt, though he seems content with that. There is plenty that he could have done better, its hard to imagine any father who just got it right all the time. My Mum points out his failings as often as possible like its some sort of Olympic sport. She makes sure that both my sister and I are completely aware of how he didnt live up to what Mum thinks a good husband and Father should be. Dad seems to accept this, either that or he doesnt argue (anymore). Mum also wasnt perfect, but she was there so its almost considered acceptable. There is also that she has my sister on side and my sister wont point out Mums failings, neither will Dad. If you do question anything that she did as kids, normally you are met with something like I tried and it wasnt good enough, I raised you alone, etc. What you get is a massive guilt trip. She rarely will allow you to say anything that resembles her not doing good enough or that she wasnt perfect. Of late I have been able to raise some points and they were taken but thats not normal.

Mum was very strict, there were rules for just about everything, a way to behave in all circumstances. If you were not meeting them, you were made aware. If she couldnt yell at you, then you would know you're in the shit when she started counting to 5 on her hand. If she reached 5, no matter where you were, what she was doing, she would stop, come over to you, belt you and go back to what she was doing. She would decide the cause of things, often without talking to you, by assuming and ignoring facts. For example, as I got older I became more depressed, I was being beaten at school, ignored at home, etc. I would get "an attitude" at times, which Mum blamed on me listening to Tripple J, so I would lose my radio for a time. Thing is she didnt like the music I listened to and wasnt willing to hear me. Instead of realising that I wanted her attention, that I wanted to feel valued and loved, she would take away the one thing that I felt was bringing me comfort. Hell, despite there being absolutly no  evidence for it Mum decided that eating chocolate is what gave me migranes. Even though I dont eat much chocolate, she still likes to point it out as the cause of my miganes to this day. I am positive that it was an attempt to curb me eating chocolate because she was worried about my weight. Mum had no problem making us do what she wanted through fear and manipulation. Mum was very hot tempered, she would yell and scream at the drop of a hat. She wasnt saying terribly nice things when she was yelling and screaming either, I personally dont remember exactly what she said, its too many years ago, I just remember she could tear you down in minutes. She doesnt remember yelling or hitting us kids that much, but I do. What I find interesting is Mum says Dad used to get hands on with her early on in their relationship, he says  he doesnt remember and thats a big deal, but when we, well I say Mum was the way she was and she says she doesnt remember thats ok and we should accept that. Im not saying we were beaten or abused, but Mum had no issue with giving us a smack, yelling at us, threatening us, etc. I loved Mum but there was definately a decent dose of being scared of her. She knew this because even from a young age she knew that just threatening me with a smack would get the result she wanted, she didnt have to hit me. It wasnt that a smack hurt, I was a rather obedient child and I think I was more scared that if I disappointed her, she would stop loving me. I think part of the reason its believed I dont handle pain well stems from this, the belief that I was worried about being hurt physically when I was a kid, that Id cry over the smallest smack but Mum, I dont think, looked past what was happening physically to see what was happening to me emotionally.

You didnt question Mum, you didnt speak back to her. You did what you were told, when you were told and how you were told and that was the end of the story. Church was a requirement for most of my upbringing, basically until Mum stopped going. We were involved and that was it. For a large part I was as involved as I was because I thought Dad being so involved it would give us something to bond over, something we had in common. At times it worked, Dad would help me with something, we would work on something together but for the most part it wasnt a bonding experience more a he instructed and I did as I wass told. With Church we had very strict expectation, we had to behave a certain way, we had to stand when we were supposed to, sit when we were supposed to, etc. like everyone else, this was from a pretty early age. We had to treat others who attended really politely. We couldnt fight, argue, carry on, be kids etc. Which if it were like a morning service or maybe morning and night service, but the number of meetings that we were involved in limited the time where we could just be kids, not that I was a normal kid etc.

When it came to high school and you were able to select your classes, that was more or less up to Mum. We had to take certain classes no matter what in each year. Math, English and Music were a requirement until year 11 and Math and English in year 12. I sucked at Music and in year 12 I needed a tutor to get a passing grade in English. I was also very heavily guided to the career I intended to study for. There was a few to chose from, teacher is what I settled on, but I think the other was nursing. I wanted to study classes that werent provided by my school, so I had to do so via open access, even then some classes I wanted to do werent available. I wanted to change schools when I was in year  10, well earlier but I made it known then, however they wouldnt allow me to. If I had been allowed too, I would have had access to a greater variety of face to face classes, I also may have had greater exposure to what I could study to be. Between my Mum and my Dad, particularly my Dad, my options for my study and career were limited despite being an intelligent kid. The opportunity to be more than I could ever have been at the school where we lived was taken from me, I understand if they didnt have the money, but as I understand it, it was a decision not to. They didnt want to break up the family, which given that I felt that Mum was more interested in my sister and Dad anything but me, I dont understand their reasoning.

There are so many more things, so many more stories. There  were good times, good stories too. My Mum did the  best with what she had. She and Dad were pretty young when they had us kids, I was a suprise so they werent really prepared when they were thrust into the world of being a parent. If you have little in the way of skills and you find something that works you tend to stick with it. I dont know that I think Mums temper and just her way is ideal for raising children. I mean to say, if your default method of discussing and working through an issue is to scream until you get your own way then this isnt ideal for raising children or having a marriage where husband and wife cant talk things through. The same goes if you have a tendancy to be a bit of a dictator. I think this is just plain bad for kids, you dont allow them to experiment and learn how to do things and why things work better one way or another. It prevents them from learning to think for themselves, if they are told exactly what to do and how to do it etc. in all aspects of their life, making decisions, stepping out of their comfort zone, being bold, all these things are prevented from being developed, because they become adults waiting for instuction. Even today, Mum tends to look for us, more so my sister, to come to her for permission to do things, particularly big things. My sister and I are in our 40's and she is still wanting us to seek her advice and permission and if we ask her advise and dont do it, there is a hell of an issue. So, I dont ask for her advise, its not advise, its instruction she expects you to follow, which sucks because Mum often has good advise, the price is just too high to pay for it.

Dad I dont think wanted kids, he will tell you that Mum basically pestered him until he agreed to marry her, he didnt want to, it was just a piece of paper. So, to my mind, it makes sense that if he didnt want to get married, he probably didnt want kids. I was also a suprise, no planning involved. I often wonder if there is some kinda underlying issue in that regard, I mean Mum gravitated towards my sister at my expense and Dad well he did other stuff and while Im sure Mum told Dad to spend time with me, she obviously knew he wasnt and other than continue to tell him to she continued to put the vast majority of her time and attention into my sister. Im sure that my sister would have been ok if Mum shared herself, but Mum had decided (in my mind) that I wasnt her responsibility, I was a boy so it was up to Dad therefore if I went without it was his fault. Who ever is at fault, I missed out and it affected me, it set the grounds for how I would develop and who I would become. Im not saying I got nothing, please dont read into it, but my sisters relationship with Mum developed much stronger than mine with Mum or Dad. As such, I feel I learnt that you're more or less alone in the world, that you can only rely on yourself at the end of the day. It was reinforced when nothing was done about  the abuse at school, when I was left to deal with that on my own. They have been there for me over the years for different things, Im not saying they havent, its more the emotional side of things, the inner workings. I do feel that my sister not only got more attention etc. but she was given physical things more readily as well. Mum was happier to pay for her iced coffee and Pepsi Max than buying me a drink or two. She was more inclined to buy her presents outside of birthdays and Christmas for all she did for the family etc. Mum always had some reason why my sister should get something, a gift, pay for something, etc. not so much me though. They almost always had something going on where my sister paid for something and my Mum paid for something else, it was always kinda messy but at the end of the day my sister was ensured to come out on top. Even with her house, they invested a certain amount of money into it so she had the deposit with the intention that when it sold they would get atleast their investment back. What I have recently found out is my sister had essentially a guarenteed profit from the sale of the house. She would get the first x amount of the sale and they would get the rest, if it was less than what they had invested they would take the loss, effectively they would give her that money. If it was above the amount, they would share the profit. As it turned out my sister basically seems to have taken the lot. Even when it came to my sister borrowing money in general from them, my Mum would go through what it was borrowed for and if she didnt deem it "fair" she would write it off.

On the other hand, I borrowed money and I paid every cent back, no matter how sick I was, no matter how difficult it made life for me, no matter how much of a burden financially it put on me. I started my own business at one point, which they were against. They didnt really encourage me, if it suited them they took advantage of it but I never felt that they were proud of me for having a go at doing something bigger than myself. I should have put the money into a house, eventhough they were aware I didnt want to own my own home. I should have done this, I should have done that. Years later Mum says that she told everyone how proud she was, but at the time I felt anything but and at the time I could have really done with feeling that I wasnt on my own. You know somehow my sister has always had a good car, pretty much what she wants, she hasnt really had to worry financially, all while being on DSP, I work and I have been left to struggle. My sister also did pretty much what Mum said, Mum and her were close and Mum kept her under her wing. It wasnt anything like that for me. Ive made plenty of mistakes, Ive put money and time into things that didnt work out, but I also put myself out there. I have also had to pay for those mistakes, I have been held accountable for every cent, the focus however remains on the mistake, not that I took responsibility and made it right. Even when mistakes have been as a result of illness, like spending sprees as a result of bipolar or drinking every cent of my income as an alcholic, the illness aspect is largely ignored and the amount of money it cost was front and centre and it was more my own fault than the illness, being sick didnt lessen the responsibility, it didnt even really provide a reason for it. What I think really bothered me is my Mum has been so willing to hand money over to my sister with no expectation of getting it back, for no reason at all but when I am sick, when I am in hospital for over a month, off work for nearly 2 years, no one came and helped sort my finances out sick, I got nothing. In fact I got told to try and cut costs etc so I could pay back more. She did not care what financial burden I was under trying to repay what I had borrowed, she just wanted the money back. If I were to talk to her about any of this now, it I was to confront her with what I remember and how I feel, I would be wrong, its not how it happened. Mum is awesome at rewriting history to suit her narrative and just sticking to her new facts until you stop questioning her truth and allow her to believe it. More often than not, my sister will come to her side, she will agree 100% with Mums account, not only that she will attack me in the process of agreeing with Mum. In all this Dad will sit there and not get involved at all, he will sit and watch the argument, knowing the truth or not, he wont speak up at all, not to defend Mum, not to defend me. I am so often left saying something happened a certain way, it left me feeling a certain way and being told I was wrong, it didnt happen the way I remember and as such my feelings are wrong. In the process I am often screwed over, Im again left to believe that my feelings do not matter, that my wellbeing doesnt matter, that my financial position doesnt matter, nothing about me matters. It is again made clear that I am not on the priority list, that is occupied my my Mum and my sister.

Ive been speaking to Mum a fair bit of late and for the first time I can remember Mum transferred me some money, for no reason at all. I dont want to sound ungrateful but it was nothing in comparisson to what I can only imagine she has handed over to my sister over the years. It helped me at the time, it really did. Since then I can only imagine how much of Mum's money my sister has spent because she is broke, she is getting over drawn fees etc. At no point when this has happened to me over the years, no matter the cause, has Mum or Dad just handed over money, handed over their card, etc for me to spend on whatever I like, knowing that they would not get repaid. Mum goes on about Dad should have taken my sisters bank card off her when she was in hospital and now she hands over her bank card knowing my sister doesnt have the resources to pay it back, but not only that she is spending it on things that arent really needed. Like she isnt changing her shopping habbits, shes buying whatever she wants. If I borrowed money and did the same before paying it back I would have been ripped a new one, no matter what was going on. My sister is rarely actually,  completely held accountable for what she does, even the money from the house sale thing, its more Dads fault that he allowed it to happen, than my sisters fault for doing it, eventhough she knew more about how much profit they made, how much was owed, etc.

I dont think though that its just the money thing with my sister. For as long as I can remember Mum was in charge, completely and if she wasnt it was my sister, not my Dad. I said to Mum that after living alone for over a decade, I came home to not just my Mum telling me what to do but my sister as well. Then I had my Dad who was mad and disappointed in me that I couldnt get my shit together, without any help from him or anyone else and manage my finances and life for myself. Now my Mum is effectively bed ridden its even worse, my sister thinks she is in charge. If she isnt getting her way she will go to my Mum and tell her a story, mostly fact but missing key  information and word will come from Mum to do this or that or telling me off for something. At the same time I however am unable to give my  side of the story or defend myself at all. At the moment this is different, while not actively trying sway her one way or another or even tell her my side of the story. When we talk, if a subject comes up I simply tell her my view, my understanding and I generally make her aware that, thats what it is. My sister also feels that she can tell me how I feel about a situation is wrong, she really believes that if I feel a certain way about something she can tell me Im wrong to feel that way because she doesnt, she feels differently, even if she thinks she wouldnt feel that way. There has been so many times where I have felt a certain way, she has decided I am wrong for feeling that way and she then goes about explaining that my memory or interpretation of the events that led to me feeling that way are also wrong. Im not saying that its not always the case, but there has to come a point where how I feel etc is ok to feel that way, my sister however doesnt agree. It would seem to me that my sister is of the opinion that my feelings are only acceptable if and when they meet her expectations, experiences, etc. It would also seem that my Mum agrees with this and follows suit. It really gets to me that my feeling can be wrong. I get events in life can be remembered poorly etc. but for my feelings to be wrong as well, that to me is wrong.

[ClockFace]

Last night when I took my night meds I doubled up on one of them to help me actually get some sleep, which it did. Im not sure what time I did go to bed but it was pretty early and I didnt wake up until 4am. That was about an hour ago and Im still pretty wiped out. Im going to go back to bed in a minute. Im finding it somewhat difficult to stay awake, to be engaged. My shoulder hurts like hell, my back is ok, atleast when Im sitting down. Its really cold but the idea of putting on my Oodie is not one I like the idea of, the weight of it I dont like the idea of having on me.HweF

The whole grocery shopping thing at home is ridiculous. I buy what I need each week, there is little, if anything, I take from the family food, pantry, fridge or freezer. On occassion I might eat a frozen meal from the frezzer, but its rare and its about the only thing I would eat of theres. Dad does the main shopping for the week, granted its not elaborate, its not how Mum and my sister would do it, its not really complete but to the best of my understanding it covers what Dad has planned for the week meal wise but it rarely includes snacks etc. If my Mum goes out, like when she goes to the doctors, she almost always goes shopping. She will shop kinnda like she used to, she will buy a heap of fruit and veg, etc most of which wont be eaten. She blames Dad for not using it, oddly if he needed or wanted it he would have bought it when he did the shopping. A lot of what Mum buys is for her but ends up down in our area because there isnt room in her fridge or freezer and then she has a dig at Dad for not telling her what she had or bringing it down for her. Then there is my sister who almost daily brings home groceries for her and Mum, almost always including a healthy dose of crap. The budget Dad has for food for the family is $500, which is effectively for him and Mum given that my sister pretty well feeds herself, as do I. I know that Mum will spend around that just on her stuff, keeping in mind so much gets thrown out. My sister has to get close to the same and then Dad does his shopping so they go well over the budget. No one trusts Dad to do the shopping right and he wont listen and improve what he is doing. Mum is stuck in the past as to how we used to do the shopping. My sister, I think she just wants to rub it into my Dad that he cant do it right, even if he gets exactly what is needed etc he, in her mind, wont be doing it right. Its again one of those things that they actually need to talk about, everyone needs to listen, not everyone can be in charge of and there has to be the realisation that how we used to do things has changed and has for good reason.

I just said to Dad words to the effect that Mum had said that she didnt know what was happening to me at school, she has said to me, how didnt she know about this and he said she did, she knew every inch of it. Which is my recollection that both Mum and Dad were involved and knew what was happening. So again I go back to, neither Mum or Dad did enough to stop it, also knowing what was going on, being unable to stop it, they still decided that given the opportunity etc. they still decided that they didnt want to break up the family by allowing me to change schools, which would have taken me away from what the other kids were doing to me. The thing that amazes me is that I was somewhat still expected to deal with the abuse, deal with little support at home, do the Church thing etc and still get good grades. I wonder on occassion if I wasnt scared at school and to an extent at home, how much better I would have done acedemically. I also wonder the same if we were to have left where I grew up and moved back to the city.

My sister has gone away for the weekend, on the first night away I got a message about turning off the light for her fish. I went up and checked and told her the light was off. It wasnt until then anything was said about looking after the fish for her while she was away. While its not a huge job, had she asked I would have said no, I know full well Id forget and if anything, anything at all goes wrong Id be blamed. But she dumped it on me while she was gone, Im not really in a position to make a fuss over text. Not at all suprisingly, I did forget to turn the light on the next day. Today, I remembered and went in and couldnt get the light to turn on, then I noticed heaps of crap floating, I couldnt see any fish and it seemed that the filter wasnt working. When I checked the power, it would appear that the safety switch had gone off. So, regardless of if I had turned the light on or not, chances were that the switch had gone and everything had gone to shit before or after that had happened. I told Mum and she went through pretty much everything I had already done, there was a couple of things that Dad would have to do as I couldnt. I said to Mum if I had been asked then I would have said no. Mum's response was that she would have thought that it was just turning on a light which I said, she should stop making judgements for me which caused an issue. It might not seem like a huge deal but as said, Id have forgotten etc. I dont have anything much in the way of responsibilities, except for myself really and even then thats too much. It might just be a couple of fish and a light, but its a lot of responsibility to me. Just stop relying on me for things, stop forcing it on me or at very least talk to me before you damn well leave. I should have given the phone to Dad, as if my sister was calling and not texting like she pretty well always does, one after the other, it was things I should have done, it was how I didnt do the right thing in the situation. My sister didnt talk to me before she left, she should have spoken to me and not just assumed and not just dumped it on me. By the end I felt like Mum had decided, as my sister will, that I am to blame, the safety switch went, it happens, shit happens, you dont have to find a person to take the blame. I dont know why its so hard for Mum to admit that my sister could have done things better, that its not up to everyone else to be the fall guy when she doesnt, its not up to everyone else to protect her all the time even when we are not involved. The universal cry of she isnt well is getting old as well. I agree she isnt, but neither is Dad or I but we dont get to use that as a reason for our own short comings, let alone for not plugging the holes in her short comings.

It irritates the shit out of me. Im struggling with day to day life, Im not well, Im in pain, blah blah blah. Similar can be said for Dad and sister. Mum, is the same but she essentially checked out years ago. Granted she is unwell and has plenty of issues but that doesnt negate the fact that she doesnt come out of her room, she expects someone to bring her everything she wants, someone will make her tea, someone will manage her affairs, she isnt interested in doing pretty much anything, for herself or anyone else. She does bits and pieces as she is up to it, which is appreciated but when she isnt up to it, its up to someone else. But its not appreciated what those someone elses do, its expected. With Dad its so often something along the lines of if he loved me. Mum cant do it, she has done so much in her life, worked so hard, given up so much, which I agree she has but the same can be said for others, regardless of how you feel about them. Dad has flaws, but he has worked his arse off through out his life, yes Mum helped but if Dad didnt work and give up what he did, she wouldnt have or have had the lifestyle she did, while not royalty it wasnt third world. Just because you cant do something, doesnt mean you can simply palm it off to someone else by commanding them to do it. You also have to accept that there are just some things which you can no longer do or have for a number of reasons, which includes others not wanting to take on the responcibilities of the aspects of it that you cant do. For example, dont buy a horse because it might help you get out of bed expecting that others will pick up the slack where you cant or decide not to. Especially when the one you're relying on says, dont buy a horse. Dont dismiss him when he or others say he has enough to do, you wont look after the horse, you wont be able to, we have tried this time and again. Stop looking for something to get you out of bed and just get out of bed. Do some of the ground work, show us that you can be more self reliant before taking on major responcibilities, I mean if you cant get your yogurt etc from the fridge in the kitchen, you cant come and get toilet paper for yourself, if you cant make your way around the house for your own needs, how can we consider that you will be able to look after a horse. Without fail there is alway an excuse why what she is or isnt doing is correct or acceptable. Again, I understand she isnt well, she has many issues, she has to understand that means she has to accept that she cant do or have everything she wants and its not others responcibility to try and compensate for this. She has to understand just because she had a dream that they always come true and that once their time has past you have to let them go. Dad may have done stuff or not done stuff, Im sure there is stuff you didnt do or could have done. I dont think there is nearly as much malice as Mum thinks. I think there is a fair bit of remembering the past how she wants to remember the past, because it suits her narrative. At the end of the day, it didnt pan out, it didnt happen and there are probably more factors than just Dad didnt do this or that. Dad isnt really one to stand up and fight, stop expecting him to. He is less likely to fight, if he cant see something to fight for or against. Also, just because he didnt win, doesnt mean he didnt fight or didnt fight hard enough. Sometimes no matter how much you fight you lose, it will sometimes cost more to fight than you would get if you won, sometimes even if you win, there is nothing that will change, nothing will happen. Mum is a control freak and she does think she can control everyone, that what she wants is what she should get regardless of who is involved.

The thing is Mum for what ever reason, ligitamet or not, checked out a very long time ago. She stays in her room, she has limited involvement in family affairs. What she knows of whats going on is what one of us tell her, normally thats my sister though she is getting my input lately. Though she forgets as much as she remembers and so often makes up stories to fill the gaps or assumes things. Dad says he talks to her about stuff, he involves her in stuff but she says he doesnt. If she doesnt remember something you didnt tell her at all, even though she knows she forgets, particularly with Dad and I, its not that she has forgotten, we didnt tell her. If we can convince her that we did talk, she didnt understand. Im filing for bankruptcy and Mum decided that meant all my debts would be paid out, I asked by who and she said she didnt know. I didnt expect Id have to explain that the debts weren't paid by a magical bankruptcy fairy, neither did Dad. My view is that it worked out in her favor so thats what should happen, which is a common belief for her and my sister, even when it makes no sense how it would. It doesnt really matter how involved we make her with the general workings of the household, with her forgetting its difficult. Then add that she gets easily confused, so multiple events get mixed together or timelines arent straight. There is also a long period of time where she was asleep far more than she wasnt. Even when she was awake most the time she might as well have been asleep. If anyone talked to her about anything of consequence it was really just a waste of breath. There were so many things that happened that Dad just had to make a decision without her because she was essentially not there to discuss it with. There were times as well when she basically only talked about what she wanted to talk about, she wanted to buy stuff on buy swap sell and any interference in this wasnt tolerated, even when Dad said she was spending shit loads of money, it was that he just needed to make it work, she didnt particularly care how, so long as he did. Mum used to do the finances and things were managed well to the best of my knowledge. It came about that she couldnt/wouldnt do it anymore, of course with the brain injury she cant but Im pretty sure he had taken over before this. I dont know the ins and outs, but Dad took it over and we have had issues somewhat since then. I mean plenty has happened in that time, plenty of sickness, moves etc. Dad probably didnt make the best decisions at times and he might not have spoken to her about some stuff at times, for different reasons. The thing that bothers me is Mum tells him to take over the finances, he does his best and then with certain things like the house Mum decides to become involved. For example my sisters house, once the house had sold and they were working out who owes what, my sister had borrowed money from Mum and Dad and they had bought her stuff, all of which was recorded, so they were trying to add and subtract all this etc. Mum decided to get involved and determine what they would effectively gift my sister, Mum didnt and still hasnt done that. Her getting involved, again because she thought my sister wasnt getting a good enough deal, you know being held accountable for what she had spent, screwed the pooch somewhat, but ofcourse she has no blame in what happened. It would seem to me that it has been a reasonably regular occurance that Mum decides that she doesnt like how Dad is doing things and gets involved, in the process making it worse. I would say that so often it is because of my sister, my sister doesnt like whats happening, she has a winge to Mum, rather than Mum speaking calmly to my Dad she decides that Dad is being an arsehole and gets involved without all the facts. So often my sister said that Dad owed her x amount of money for this and that, he would want reciepts etc, my sister would winge to my Mum who would instead of having a chat with him, would just tell him to pay her. Then he starts doing that, he just pays her and avoids the argument with Mum, Mum decides he shouldnt have paid her for some of what she claimed, why didnt he talk to her about it? Now its my Dads fault that they are down that money. There are thoughts my sister effectively stole the money, that she billed Mum and Dad for the same thing, etc. Mum takes no accountability that she just backed my sister in everything, she chose my sister over my Dad (and me) at every opportunity, that it was no point talking to her if you were going to say anything that didnt support what my sister had said, my sister was always right, no matter what anyone else said. Mum also wont make my sister take responsibility for her actions, for exploiting the fact Mum just followed what she says. It is really simple, my sister be it on purpose or due to illness, screwed my parents over in a massive way. Mum for what ever reason backed my sister without question and ensured she basically got her way. Mum forced Dad to do what she said, despite what he thought of the situation. Dad didnt stand up and do what was actually right to protect the family and our future as a whole. He chose to back down each time, to allow Mum to ensure that my sister was put ahead of the family as a whole. Even when Dad told my sister to stop doing shopping and he would do it, she continued to do shopping and bill him after he had utilised the weekly budget. Neither my sister or my Mum would respect the budget Dad had set out, they did and bought what they wanted and eventually would bill him for it so he would think he is on track and all the sudden he has to pay her thousands of dollars and then Mum doesnt understand why they are doing so bad with the money. Effectively there are 3 people spending money from one budget, with no communication as to how much is left in that budget, then randomly billing for the money they have spent. There is no way Dad could effectively enforce the budget, particularly because no one was listening to him, but no way for him to prepare for the bills and budget for them or manage his income and expenses appropriately because of such wild variences and total disregard for the budget, for the amount of money set aside for food. Mum goes on about the budget wasnt enough because costs of living had increased, which is true, but if you earn a certain amount, it doesnt matter if food prices increase, you still only have so much to spend on food. It doesnt help that your tastes have become more expensive, that you wont buy in more cost effective ways because preportioned foods minimise over eating. That so much food is thrown out because you buy or get someone else to buy food for you that we have in the other fridges already. Instead of coming down to check you just buy more.

I just sat with Mum for a bit, it amazes me I said that my other arm is now causing issues, most of it is numb. She didnt even acknowledge what I said before launching into her joint issues. The real thing that got me pretty hot under the collar, she talked about the house again, the money side of things. I listened to her, we talked a bit and its was very clear to me that her view is in every way, at every step, no matter what she didnt do, what my sister did or didnt do, no matter that she didnt know the whole story or all the facts, no matter what I said Dad was at 100% fault. She had every excuse for her actions/inactions and same for my sister but my Dad, he should have somehow just been on top of it all and sorted it out. On one hand she complains that he didnt involve her enough but on the other she complains that he didnt just move forward without her involvement when it was clear she wasnt going to do what she said she would. The fact that she wouldnt do something critical isnt her fault, he didnt remind her enough and he should have just gone ahead. Which he did, but my sister flatly refused to work with him, which is somehow his fault too. I totally agree he could have done things differently, but she has a hand to play in it all, as does my sister, that fact doesnt change because Mum wants him to be totally at fault. It also doesnt change anything who ever or how ever you split up the blame. From my perspective, my sister spent a shit tonne of money, far more than she could have thought she would have got from the house sale, she would have known full well that while maybe not to the cent, how much she made from the sale and not to touch the remainder. She still chose to spend it, that you cant blame on Dad.

The other thing with all of this is, we dont actually know what has happened, what has really been said and done. We have a collection of stories from my sister, my Dad and my Mum, with me filling in a few gaps here and there. Mum is making so many judgements and decisions based on this and no one is sitting down and following the money trail etc. To top it off, no one can even say where the money is, whats happened to it, how has it been spent. While its somewhat selfish, I am left thinking is that, yet again, my sister is getting a bunch of money from my parents that she wont have to pay back. What Mum had to do for everything was to go through what my sister owed and determine what was going to be written off for what ever reason, so even if my sister did pay back my parents, they would have waived a heap of stuff that she didnt have to pay. I know when Mum went shopping, back in the day, she would buy my sisters drinks and other stuff. I know my sister and Mum would go out and Mum would buy her stuff. I know when my sister got in trouble financially, the odd bill etc, it wasnt rare that Mum found a way to justify that my sister shouldnt have to pay it. On the other side of the coin, I was afforded none of that, especially when I moved out of home, I was very much on my own. My sister moved out at one point and they helped with shopping etc and ofcourse there is a justification for that, she was a trainee. I dont know how much she was earning, but when I first moved out I was on bugger all, there wasnt even a question about how I was doing, there were times I survived on very little, noodles, eggs on bread, etc. My sister would never have to experience that. I mean at the moment she is low on funds, got an overdrawn fee, couldnt pay bills, she is also buying everything she can put her hands on, Mum made sure she was all fixed up and gave her, her card. When I have these issues, no matter why, Im going without, hell I know better to even say anything. When Mum and Dad shared their money, Mum would either do it or get Dad to, for my sister. Now Mum has her own account she does it herself. Im left watching this all happen, my sister gets the attention and the financial support. When things were tough for me and I had to borrow money, I was made to feel like shit. I also had to pay every cent back. I was left until it was so late that it would impact my life for over a decade. Whats happening with my parents, the house sale etc., my sister stealing money from Mum, I kinda think, thats what you created. Its more money than Im dealing with but this is the shit Ive been put through for a couple of decades. Id rather that this didnt happen at all, Im sad and disappointed that it did. It would be awesome if she saw the cross overs between me and them, how what she did with my sister and not me caused friction within the family, that it created a person who feels completely entitled to whatever she wants. There is a lot I wish she would take from this but it would seem at this point its just reiterating her belief that Dad is an arsehole and completely at fault for just about everything. She is also of the opinion that my sister can do no wrong, that nothing is really her fault, there is always a justification or someone else to blame. I dont know the one sentance she has for me, from what I can figure I am just the one she deals with only if it suits her, so long as she gets something out of it.

I went and laid down for a while, I really dont feel great today. Im dizzyish, Im kinda tingle all over, Im really tired, my throat is sore, as is my tounge, it feels kinda swollen and I have an awesome headache. As I said my left arm is sore, which is to be expected but most of my right arm is numb, so I would assume that Im now having issues that need attention with that arm. I have a massive boil on the back of my thigh which is really painful and right where I sit. Not to mention my back, neck and mental health issues. So Im really not doing well, Im really not terribly happy, Im pretty over it all.

When I was laying down I didnt sleep, I just thought. I saw something in Mum, Ive seen it before, Ive pretty well always known it was there, but it was forcefully in my face today. She says that she still loves Dad, but I dont think you can if you dont believe anything he says, more so you wont believe anything he says about something. If what he says doesnt fit with what you want to believe, doesnt fit with what your daughter says, even when she has had a severe mental episode, even when she has proven to be an unreliable source, even when she has proven she will take thousands of dollars of your money without any thought for you, you will still make the decision to take what she says over what Dad does. Because of that, because there is no way possible for anyone to say anything that supports Dad in anyway, you feel completely justified in blaming Dad wholly and soley for what has happened. No one else, including yourself, can be held responsible in anyway. It doesnt matter anything, you have decided Dad is at fault and thats final.

This isnt the first time this has happened and Dad isnt the only one she has done it to. I know over the years she has done the same sort of thing to me, I didnt exactly realise it at the time but no matter what I said, what evidence I had, I had been judged based on the outcome, before hearing what happened, before being told the facts and regardless of what was said or done, she was sticking to that judgement and I would just have to live with it.

However, with my sister she will do everything to come up with a reason for her to not be at fault. She will rattle off thought after thought, with me or someone else knocking them down until she finds something, anything, she can use to justify my sisters actions or inactions. Then she will take it a step further and find a way for it to be someone elses fault, normally my Dads, often enough mine. She will ensure that in her mind atleast my sister is completely in the clear of any fault or wrong doing.

If you tell her or indicate to her this is what she is doing, any of it, she will ademately deny doing any of it, she would probably be offended that you thought she was. She wont take on board that this is a failing of hers, predominately she wont take on board that she has any failings, if she does they are someone elses fault or completely justifiable. She just cant admit that she has these issues or do anything about them, eventhough they have and are causing problems in my sister and my development or her relationship with Dad. Again, the way she tells it Dad is wholly at fault for their relationship, but listening to her recently, she definately played a significant role.

I can understand Dad's frustrations with the seperation, from what I see she wants him to do everything for her, everything she tells him to, to make the decisions she would, buy what she wants, etc. all without question. In return he gets abused, blamed for everything and hounded to do what she has said if he hasnt done it. If there is time left over, even if there isnt, he should be doing the same for my sister. She has tried similar with me and my sister seems to think that she can do it to me. I dont allow it to happen, I just dont stand for it at all. Its the cause of a number of issues and arguments, particularly with my sister. She expects me to react/act as my Dad would for my Mum, then I dont and its as if Im not showing her love, because complete obediance is how my sister would view acts of love. Putting her 100% in first priority, above ones self. She has done a lot for the family in the past, but it is used against us. Also, so often "for the family" means for Mum, a massive Christmas event, its to make Mum feel better, happier, Dad and I dont really care about Christmas, so to say its for the family isnt true at all. Then that is used against Dad and I, like she just did some huge thing for us that we are not indebted to her for. Mum ofcourse is completely on her side, because well, it was all about her.

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with my weight. im 170cm tall and at my recorded heaviest I was 166kg, Im down around the 150kg mark now. Mum and my sister have had a rough time with weight as well, Dad not as much but as he ages he is. We were never a really active family, sport wasnt a priority and going on family walks etc didnt really happen, if they did they were short lived. The number of times Mum bought 2nd had bikes for everyone, so we could go riding together, I lost count. I dont think I can remember a time where we actually got on the bikes and went for a ride. Going by what Im told from Mum and Dad, my Mum was involved with a number of programs, I know she was with Weight Watchers for a while and she will tell you without hiding her glee, she would go to a weigh in and on the way home she would stop for fast food. She has had a heap of surgeries, liposuction, boob jobs, tucks, etc. My sister has had a bypass while Mum and I have had sleeves, we all lost weight for a time, we all put it back on. I most of all.

My Nanna, according to my Mum, used to give my Mum a hard time over her weight as she was growing up and Mum decided she would never do the same to my sister and I. While growing up I cant remember Mum ever directly saying anything about my or my sisters weight, I knew full well that she was not happy that I was a bigger kid. She might not have come out directly, but it was definately insinuated. As I got older, especially after my injury, I got bigger, for a lot of my life prior to my injury I worked in physical jobs, while still stocky it helped manage my weight somewhat. Without that kind of work and a sudden reduction in activity in general, I put on weight and I have kinda continued. Ive tried this and that but I start with all the motivation in the world but soon run out of juice, especially if Im not seeing results. As I got older and bigger Mum became more straight forward and to a lesser extent so did my sister. I do understand that they are worried and that there is pretty good cause. Lessons about food etc. from Mum growing up were not fantastic, we were not well off and I dont really think food was a huge priority. Where we lived, you couldnt get fresh fruit and veg and what we could get was really expensive. I dont think eating well rounded meals for the day was a priority. I mean, Mum probably said to eat fruit but had biscuits and shit in the pantry. We had large servings for everything. I look at serving sizes now and think back and I used to get a tremendous amount down, then it would be followed by a huge bowl of ice cream with syrup. I remember snacks being things like tiny teddies etc. not fruit. More importantly, food is what made people happy and was used as a reward. I remember Mum would get quite excited about food, she still does to a degree. Then there was the reward thing, clean your room and you can have x. Eat all your main meal and you can have desert.

I dont know what Nanna was like or where Mum got it from, but Mum had/has a poor relationship with food. Dads relationship isnt great either. My sister and I grew up with this and as years go by we have been shaped by it. My sisters relationship with food is really bad, she hardly eats at all, she drinks alot tho. Mine is similar at the moment. My relationship with food changes a lot, its never great, if it is it doesnt last long. Being injured etc excersise is limited, so managing my weight relies on my diet almost soley which makes it vital but I suck at it so thats doesnt really work.

I wrote a list of the things that are not right with me at the moment, some are long term, some are temporary but for the most part I have a shit load going on. I mean there is other stuff I am dealing with that isnt on the list for today because there is no current impact on me. Like having bladder cancer, it has little day to day impact, its primarily a 1/2 yearly cystoscopy with the possiblity of a TURBT. That said, it still plays on your mind, you have cancer FFS, what happens if it spreads elsewhere, what happens if it gets worse, etc. Its not always on my mind but often enough. Just day to day problems I have are enough to deal with, let alone getting sick, like a cold or something. Its not the same as before I had the issues I had, being sick now hits so much harder, it feels so much worse. I know its not, but with everything else as a base, adding a cold on top is just too much to handle.

Mums sick, she has her own list of issues, but doctors have told her stuff she can do to make things better for herself, which I know is hard to do but some days I am speaking to her, like today and I have so many things wrong and doctors have basically given up, done what they can or are still trying to work out whats wrong and Mum starts going on about her issues, she doesnt come out her room and help (though expects everyone else too), she doesnt do the things the doctor say, while Im not perfect, some days its just like shut up, just shut up. How about, just for a moment you think about what life is like for me. When I say that I have another issue you acknowledge it, not just turn it on yourself. When I say I am not feeling great, dont fob it off, maybe ask whats wrong, maybe show a bit of interest. With everything Im dealing with and going through, when I say Im not doing great, not feeling well, not 100% good chance Im not talking about a cold. If I felt unwell and thought it was a cold, id say that I dont feel well, I think I have a cold. But no, Mum has to have the focus on her issues, we have to be reminded at every opportunity of her issues, over and over again. However, bring up your own, hell even groan on the wrong day and eventually she will make a comment. The only exception to this is my sister, my Mum will remind me of my sisters issues, sometimes old issues too, issues that have been resolved but at the time had a huge affect on my sister. Its done like my sister had this issue years ago and she went through this, what you are going through, while completely different and might even affect a different body part, that was a far worse experience. My sister has been through a lot, a lot of truma, a lot of medical stuff and now mental health stuff and it is always presented that her life, her experience is far worse than mine, than anyone elses. My issues, my experiences are treated almost like they are nothing, Mum doesnt even remember what happened to me at school, a life defining series of events, but she remembers that some girls barked at my sister. 1/2 my medical issues, she hasnt even been involved in. She says she wouldnt have been aware of them when I lived out of home, hardly any happened when I did, mental health was an issue but she has denied my diagnosises and made it harder for me to deal with my issues over the years, especially when it impacts her or my sister. Mum, as much as possible, tells Dad to deal with my stuff, who is about useless, to the point that I deal with my stuff myself as much as possible. Until the last few years, if it were my sister, Mum was all over it. Every appointment, every anything, she was there with my sister supporting her. Ive never asked for the same, I dont want Mum at every appointment, I dont need her holding my hand the whole way along, but it would be fantastic when I say this is whats wrong, this is what I can do, what I cant do, the pain Im in, the tests I need, the procedures I need, etc. that she listens and actually pays attention. Rather than pushing what she wants and what she thinks I should be able to do, rather than ignoring what I have said the doctors have said and recommend and doing whatever she thinks impacts her and my sister the least, actually support me, actually work with me, actually help me and have some kind of compassion for me. At the very least when my sister decides to do the above, to demand shit of me that I simply cant be expected to do, you pull her into line, preferably before Im a screaming mess on the floor. Again, you would probably want to outsource all this to Dad, who you know full well is going to go outside and do shit about it. Ive always felt that I can have any medical issue I want, so long as it doesnt impact my Mum or my sister, once it does then there is an issue, then I need to be told how my medical problem isnt really a problem, its not as bad as Mum's or my sisters or its not nearly as bad as I say. Mum has been a bit more understanding lately, around the same time I started talking to her, I confronted her on some of the stuff Ive been told she has said at times and she denies it completely. I cant stand lying, its a bug bear of mine. Apparently Mum has a huge issue with it too, but she seems completely fine with her doing it. I may not remember hearing her say things, say Im pathetic, say its not that bad etc. but I can interpret what people do and what they mean by that. The way she has treated me, the way she has allowed my sister to treat me over the years, clearly screams her thoughts and feelings about my illnesses etc. She doesnt have to say it in words, making me pick up heavy furniture with Dad time and again because she wants it and her having it is more important that me limiting the pain Im in, that pretty well speaks loud enough for me. Thats just one example. Add to this that Dad didnt do shit either, he didnt say to Mum that I just cant do it or get there and say it was miles to heavy, he didnt say Ill hire someone to help. Even if I argued about it, he didnt support me. Even if I did it and ended up in pain and couldnt work, I was at fault, I should have gone to work, I should have dealt with the pain, it wasnt that bad. I said today that I know my sister has body image issues, but my body is truly gross. I have incredibly severe acne and I get boils all the time, I have one at the moment that is massive and I was getting Mum to see if she could do anything about it. When I say massive I mean the circumfrance of a tennis ball or a bit bigger. I am forever oozing something, bursting or popping, there is puss and shit coming out of my skin all the time. I dont like looking at myself because of my weight but even more so because of all the pimples and boils, all the scars, the massive red spots everywhere. Ive never told my Mum but part of the reason for no girlfriend is because of this, more specifically my groin is full of pimples, boils and scars, seriously who would want to be any kind of sexual with that body. Mum didnt listen to what I was saying, she didnt hear the pain behind my words, it was immediately that my sister has had pimple/boil in a worse position than I can imagine, I pointed out that I have had them in the equivalent area, but who had the worst spot, the worse one off event was not what I was saying. It was a statement about how my body made me feel gross. Mum and my sister didnt help this growing up, they always wanted to pick my pimples, pick my back. The whole time I would hear how gross it was, how horrible it was when they burst. My pimples are really deep and they are really painful to get out, but ofcourse I was being pathetic, I was soft. They picked their pimples and it wasnt that bad, though admittedly their pimples were much shallower and easy to get out but that didnt come into it. They would say what ever they could to make me lay down and let them pick. The fact that I was in pain, that I hated it, that it made me feel like shit, etc didnt matter, they didnt care at all, they wanted to pick and regardless of anything thats what they were going to do.

I dont know if its because Im a guy, but it would seem Mum cant fathom the idea of me having body image issues. While I am at peace with my weight, I dunno maybe thats not correct, maybe I have accepted what I feel I cant do anything about. I cant excersise enough to lose weight and I cant reduce my calorie intake sufficiently to cause weight loss, I suppose I could but shit Im miserable enough arent I. I dont particularly like certain public environments because of my weight. Small, tightly packed stores, particularly cafes and resturants stand out, Im forever worrying that I am going to bump into someone or something. I worry a lot about falling down, tripping etc., the idea of being the embodyment of fat man falls down doesnt appeal to me at all. I dont think I can say that I am constantly thinking about being my weight, how I feel about how I would present to others or how others look at me because of my weight. When Im out, I do. When I have to get undressed at doctors, get on one of their beds, change positions etc. I am acutely aware of my weight. When I make my way to the loo in the middle of the night and my sister sees me and calls me gross because I have my top off, I am aware that I dont have a great body. Excluding all that, I have had enough people comment on how ugly, fat, hidious, etc I am over my life. I might be a guy and I might not let everyone in so they can see it, but aesthetically I hate my body. I dont look manly, its not that Im not strong etc, but Im round in every way, round head, round face, round and fat body. As I say I have acne and boils galore, which are just gross and so ugly, even if you pick them for days its a huge red mark left. Im unattractive, its not like some women would find me attractive, I am pretty well universally unattractive to every women. I dont have the physical attributes that women, any women desire in anyway. I pretty well hate my body, aesthetically I see nothing redeeming. The rest of it just doesnt work for shit, there are so many imbalances, ie the whole acne thing. All the sicknesses, issues, injuries, etc. All the pain and aches. My brain that doesnt work right. If I didnt have the structure I have, the metabolism I have, the mental fortitude etc I wouldnt be so fat, maybe all the other stuff wouldnt be so bad. There was a time where I had a 1/2 way decent brain, I dont know that I was like really intelligent but I was smart enough, I was pretty decent with most things tech, I could sit and discuss philosophy, theories etc. While my body has nothing going for it, my mind kinda did and I could atleast engage in interesting dialect. Now thats pretty well gone too. I have no body, I dont even look decent let alone attractive now I have no mind either. Even when I am thinner, while its been a while, I still wasnt attractive, I still had nothing to give. It doesnt help really that when I get out of the shower my Mum looks at me very disapprovingly and says that we need to do something about my weight. All I hear is how my size is an issue, when its talked about. I only hear that when my top is off, is that Im gross or disgusting. I cant expect anyone to say how attractive I am but I dont ever hear any kind of positive statements about my physical appearance. Mum used to say I was handsome but that was my Mum so you know. My sister never does, I cant think she has in the past. I cant think that I have had much positive comments about my appearance, less so as I put on weight. Anyhow, while my Mum might not think it possible, I do have body image issues. That said, is it really a body image issue if you really are fat and really are ugly?

[ClockFace]

Ive had pretty much no sleep. For some reason I sat at the table until 2am dozing, I then woke at 4. Its nearly 6 and I have just been sitting dozing again. Im going to have another go at sleeping shortly. Im really tired, my backs sore as is my arm, when I woke up at 4 I was stiff as shit, when I was walking my legs were shaking from the pain. Its calmed down a bit now, but I assume thats what caused me to wake up. The boil is realy painful. Its right where I sit, so no matter how I sit down its on the boil, which hurts, especially if I change positions or move at all. Ive made a doctors appointment about it for today, Im hoping that they can do something, Id like them to lance it. It is making it hard to sit normally, which is causing my back to be more painful, not to mention its playing with how I walk, which is often at odds with how my back is making me walk. I am quite sick of having to make allowances for my issues, one from another.

I went back to bed and managed around another 2 hours sleep but that was it. I have a doctors appointment in a few hours so I dont see a point in going back to bed. The boil was the cause of me waking up for sure this time. My back is really painful, Im tolerating it but its pretty close to being more than I can handle. Oddly my shoulders arent overly bad, its not even a matter of them being tolerable, they just dont hurt that much.

Im feeling pretty wonky again, I keep saying dizzy/wonky because its the closest word I have, but I dont think its right. There is an element maybe of feeling of being off balance. Its not bad at the moment, I had it pretty much all day yesterday, Im really hoping that I dont have the same today.

As Ive said, I have a doctors appointment for my boil, I dont know what they can do, if they can do anything at all. Im hoping that they can slice it open and let it drain like they have others of mine. I got Mum to look at it last night and see if there was anything she could do, I still cant determine if she says it has a head or not. The hassle is that it is incredibly tender, as you can imagine and anytime she went near where she would need too to get it to burst the pain was too intense and she wasnt really even squeezing. This is where the problem with Mum looking at these sort of things comes in, she moved on to trying to pick the pimples surrounding the boil. I have no idea why she would do that, it stretched my skin and made the boil hurt. When I told her to stop, she didnt, she continued until I made a proper fuss because she likes popping pimples and given the opportunity, any opening, she will try to pick all she can. Like when I was younger, my objections didnt mean shit, what she wanted to do was more important than how it made me feel, the physical implications of it etc. Amazingly, while writing this my boil burst so no need for the appointment or Mum to be involved anymore etc. Atleast for now. Its amazing the relief I have from it bursting, like the pain etc is gone but in general I feel less horrible, less gross.

Some time ago I got right into making alternative brew coffee, Aeropress was my main method. I really enjoyed making the coffee as much as drinking it, there was an element of mindfulness to making the process of making the coffee. I found that I enjoyed a significant sense of peace in the process of making the coffee, it was often extended or flowed through to drinking the coffee. Even cleaning up afterwards was peaceful. I spent a lot of time learning about making coffee in different ways, particularly this one, a lot of time experimenting with processes and methods, just a lot of time reading and learning, playing and evolving my method.

After her sleeve Mum no longer liked the taste of coffee, but one day decided to try what I was making and she really liked it. This was the start of the decline in my enjoyment. Mum wasnt satisfied with the occassional coffee, if Id make one when she came down (which was rare) or randomly Id just make her one. No, I started getting text messages demanding coffee, not occassionally but regularly and multiple times a day. It brought up memories and feelings from when I was young and I would have to make Mum coffee almost constantly. Growing up she drank an insane amount of coffee and if I was around it was up to me, no matter what I was doing, to make those coffees, because God forbid she would have to make her own coffee, she would look after her own affairs, not palm it off to a kid. Anyhow, I resented Mum for making me make the coffee when I was younger. I dont feel like it was fair or appropriate, I dont feel that my sister was required to do anything remotely similar, I cant remember her being required to make any of the coffees for Mum. As Ive said before, I dont feel like Mum was spending any time with me, she was putting her time and effort into my sister, to rub it in she would not only not have anything to do with me, but what she did was to command me to make coffee. So what in my mind became my primary interaction with my Mum, was essentially for her to send me away and serve her. Now while not as often, Mum was doing the same thing. Make me coffee, I hardly speak to you, I take your sisters word, not only that I dont even give you an opportunity to present your side, I assume she is 100% correct with absolutly no evidence. I know you have a problem making me coffee, I know you dont want it to be a chore, I know you want this for yourself but it makes me feel special so you have to make them for me. I dont care that it made you feel special and that the carry on about making me one etc. has spoiled that for you. That you found peace in the process when you made it for yourself and it was helping with your mental health. I dont care that it was your thing and I slowly destroyed all of that for you. I eventually stopped making coffee for myself altogether, it eventually lost all meaning to me, eventually she wore me down so much that I even lost the taste for it. Even still, Mum was still demanding coffees from me. Dad was making them for her as well, one day the filter disappeared and no one could find it, this brought making coffee for anyone to a screaming halt.

Out of the blue recently she asked me to purchase a replacement filter, but you have to basically buy the whole device, they arent that expensive. She said for me to buy it and she would pay me back. I havent done so as yet, I need to speak to my Mum about it a bit more. I didnt at the time she asked because I was hurt. Mum is so self absorbed that even after all this time, she still cant see how much this whole thing affected me. How what she was doing back then hurt me so much. She cant understand why it was such an issue for me, though she wouldnt talk to me about it. Even if she couldnt understand or appreciate, she could have just accepted it, but she wouldnt do that and now she wants me to buy a new one, assumably so I can start making her coffee again. What she is going to have to accept is that I will not be making her coffee, I flatly refuse.

I briefly spoke to her and she does have the expectation that I would make her 1 coffee a day, which I am completely aware would end up being more. She didnt ask, she initially expected I would buy the Aeropress myself, eventhough I have made it clear she has screwed it all for me. Now she will pay for it, but she didnt include that she expected me to make it for her. Physically I probably cant, my shoulders probably wouldnt like it, Im more than certain my back wouldnt. But I dont feel inclined to make her the coffee I used to like, using the process/method I used to find relaxed me and brought me comfort, that because she couldnt think of anyone but herself she ripped away from me just so she could have throth on her coffee. I dont care if it made her feel special, if she liked the taste or any other reason she had for why she should have them, I put all that money and time into doing that so I could feel special, so I could find some peace, etc. The fact that she cant see that or just accept it for my sake, says a lot about her feelings towards me and to now push for a new Aeropress even if she has to pay for it, proves she will put herself ahead of me, even on somewhat minor things, to get her way.

I went back to bed for a while, I was really tired and drowsy, dozing off a bit, so wasnt staying awake. Ive woken up now and its not really any different, Im sitting at the table dozing off, Im really struggling to stay awake, I just want to go to sleep. Yet when Im in my bed, I cant sleep or stay asleep. My sister just came in the kitchen, shes been away for a few days, shes not said much to me since getting home, partially cause Ive been in bed. Anyhow she says "are you serious?" I asked what and she said "After all my time away my cups havent been washed". I get what she's saying but maybe wash your shit before you leave. Again, take a tiny bit of responcibility for yourself, for your shit. I get it would be nice for someone to help, to notice. But stop expecting what never happens.

I went and saw Mum briefly, I still really struggled with staying awake even with her. It doesnt help that she talks really slowly with massive gaps between sentances etc at different times. It makes following the conversation really hard and if you're drowsy well you start struggling not to drop off to sleep.

Before I went down to Mum I told my sister I was going down to Mum, so she knew I was down there. Still she came down, opened the door, shifted the focus onto her again and left. She wanted to tell Mum she was home, there is always a reason she should be allowed to interupt. She could have waited, she could have shown me a little respect but no. Even after I have asked she stop doing it, even after I told her that I find it really rude, she still does it and Mum knowing how I feel allows it. I dont do it to anyone else, if I know Mum is speaking to my sister I wouldnt just interrupt unless it was important and urgent. Mum prioritises my sisters text and phone calls, to the point I have just left the room. Thats just rude on my Mums behalf and shows that she doesnt value my as a person, let alone her son at all. Its getting to the point that if things dont change I might stop spending time with Mum, because its starting to make me feel like shit.

There is more to it than that, that is making me feel like shit. I think I have seen past a lot to go and spend time with her, I have a lot of hurt in my past from her that she doesnt even acknowledge, let alone try to make things right. If you bring something up its a bit hit and miss, you could find that she accepts and understands what your saying or you get the complete opposite, you get how she did her best, she thought you thought she was a good Mum, all sorts of manipulations. What I am seeing more often though is she appears to accept and acknowledge what your saying, she puts on an act. The stuff with the money to be paid via the EAF to my sister, I sat and talked with her and I clearly, on more than one occassion, made her and everyone in the house aware, that if she didnt provide what I have requested so I can put in the application, then I would not be held accountable for the money owed. I dont think its fair that I pay the money back, if my sister didnt take advantage of what I had organised. I was under the impression my sister had been told that time had run out, that the EAF had decided that they wouldnt accept her application. I didnt know there was a time frame until I asked and when I knew I tried to get her to hurry up, she still didnt. I had spoken to Mum, one on one about it and she had agreed that my decision was fine, that it made sense and was fair. The second my sister found out from me and made a fuss, my Mums recollection changed, she didnt think thats what I meant, etc. She didnt think my sister should be out the money, but at the same time it was ok that I was. I had done all that I had, I had lost and spent all that I had, I had stepped up where her and Dad didnt. I ended up mentally really unwell from everything and was still expected to go. I had basically no support at home, Mum couldnt even get out of bed to look for a pillow case, let alone pack a bag with clothes for her. Even after all that, apparently, according to my sister and my Mum it wasnt enough, I should be handing over 4-5k more to my sister. At the same time she is wondering if my sister is stealing from them, what happened to the house money and my sister had nicked money from her account. She didnt want to pay my sister any more money, but my sister is now broke (some how), so here is an opportunity for her to get money and they not give it to her. Then it is Dads fault and he should pay because he didnt do anything. But when he did the same to me about rent not getting paid to them for like a year, there isnt any mention of rectifying that, maybe because she is just as at fault as Dad, because she didnt get involved in things either and help me get control of my finances while I was really sick. Every damn time, no matter how sick I was/am I have to take responcibility for what happened, but if its my sister, all aboard, everyone has to run around making sure she doesnt have to take any. I think, if that keeps getting rubbed in my face as it is, then I wont make my way up there and spend time with her, Ill let her sit up there alone and deal with my sister treating her like shit.

I wanted to say something today, but I was too out of it to actually bring it up, my Mum gets asked to do things and it could take literal months or not at all. I mean we were only talking about this accounts book for my sisters house that Mum needed to go through to determine how much was owed by who etc. so the profits from the house could be settled. She didnt do it for months, she still hasnt done it and the money is gone This is now my Dads fault that he didnt find a way around it. But Dad hasnt moved a box and some blankets for at three weeks now and Mum is wild. She can make every excuse why she doesnt do something, she is fine with just that she forgot, thats fine for her. For Dad or anyone else, not a chance, there is no excuse she will accept, especially with Dad. This is despite all of us having illnesses and issues, including mental health issues, we are just not afforded the same luxury of being understood and accepted how we are. Its always meant maliciously, again especially for Dad. My sister isnt any better, she is the only one allowed to forget, have a bad day, a bad attitude etc. Mum wholly supports her when this happens. Me I snap and Im an arsehole and cant be spoken to for a week.

FFS, so as I said the boil burst, I had a shower and got Mum to see if she could get anymore out of it, its still pretty sore etc. She had a bit of a squeeze and next thing she is ofcourse picking elsewhere. So I said something about it. She did go back to the boil but again it wasnt long until she was going elsewhere, she got stuck on a bigger one on my other leg, but I told her to leave it. It wasnt until I got pretty grumpy about it that she stopped trying. Which really gets me mad, she has to really tick me off before she will do as I ask. I asked her to look at my boil, thats all. Its causing me a fair bit of pain. I get boils and acne all the time, most of the time, other than psychologically, they dont bother me and unless they cause me discomfort or pain I leave them alone pretty well alone. The real issue I had was that I was laying on my stomach over her bed, with my legs hanging off. Not the most pain free way for me to lay, my back wasnt liking it at all. Then I was up on my elbows and when the pain was really bad, I got on my hands, arching my like that with my legs off the bed was really bad, but all that weight on my shoulders was really hard to take. They both hurt like hell, I have numbness and moving my arms isnt the nicest thing to do. So Mum who thinks she knows everything and she knows best, is trying to enforce her desire to play without taking into consideration my other issues, which I am. I was willing to deal with it for the sake of dealing with the boil, but not anything else. I shouldnt have to explain to Mum why I am limiting her to my boil, I get she likes to pick pimples etc. but its my damn body, if I say not to do something that should be sufficient, but its not about me, its about Mum and what she wants.

Mum isnt well and I try to remember this, I keep going up to talk with her but its freaking hard some days. The number of times I hear the same stories, which even if you do everything short of spell out that you have heard it before, she insists on telling you the whole damn thing. Its not so much that you hear the same story over and over, it doesnt matter how many times you correct her recollection or interpretation she falls back to her version. She tells a story about my Uncle and a text my sister sent him about her attempt. They would text semi-regularly. He however struggles with quite severe SI and depression. He didnt respond and Mum has decided that was disgusting and wants to write him a letter basically telling him so, I mean how dare he do anything but support my sister, regardless of his feelings etc. I dont know for sure, but I have said to Mum that maybe, just maybe it was too much for him, it hit too close to home or as he is very, very emotionally stunted, he just didnt know what to say or do. No, according to Mum, there are no reasons why he couldnt have sent some kind of acknowledgement to her. Its just like you have talked about the rain in spain for 10 minutes, she paid as much attention, she has made her decision about the situation and my Uncle is wrong, no matter his circumstances, he is wrong.

Here is the thing with this that really bugs me, obviously she is only looking at her side, she cant consider the impact on another person, she cant take into account the other persons situation and how that my influence their reaction. Additionally, I have lost count how many times, while it may not be an attempt, that I have reached out to Mum and not got pretty much anything from her. I was once very, very blunt about my SI, it was a really bad day, i was really struggling and while she had done jack shit about it, she was on about my sister and her situation and essentially how I wasnt doing enough. I let her know exactly where things stood SI wise for me, nothing else and all I got was OK. Nothing more, ever. Knowing my issues, my conditions, my mental health concerns, etc. my Mum has never sat down with me and asked how I was going, never made herself available to me to talk about what I am going through. Thats not to say we havent talked, its just that I instigate it every time and generally Mum ends it by turning it around to be about herself. Even when I was dealing with my sister while she was in the hospitals, Mum would ask about my sister, I gave a "report" as such on the day, but I dont remember her asking me if I was ok, if there was anything she could do for me, she, yet again, left me on my own, this time to deal with my sister who had tried to end her own life.

The number of times my sisters issues are thrown in my face, even when they arent even relevant, is amazing, either by my sister or my Mum. The same can be said for my Mum, almost every day I go and see her I am told all about her head injury, falls and heart problems. However, the issues I face, they rarely get a mention, they are almost never taken into consideration when it comes to situations involving my Mum or my sister. I am so often expected to put my issues aside for them, as I say pick up furniture with Dad for either one, despite my back pain. Just let my sister do, say, etc what she wants, dont upset her, regardless of how it makes me feel, how it impacts my mental health. I have a lot of issues, Im dealing with a hell of a lot of shit and Dad is still being Dad and other than helping financially, support from him is essentially non-existant. My sister has her own list of issues to deal with, so she isnt really in a place to be there for me all the time, problem is when she is there, its so often used against me later or at a later date, having the knowledge she does, she still ignores it if it is getting in her way. Mum always seems too involved in her own shit to really be there for me in any capacity. She says that as our parent Dad needs to step up, but at the same time she refuses to. She is hardly aware of my issues, if you ask her she knows nothing about getting the shit kicked out of me at school. Thats a huge aspect of my life, want to know why I have so many issues it probably starts from there. It never occured to her that as a kid, she basically left me on my own, she put all her time and effort into my sister. Dad basically wasnt around, she knew this but she still chose not to put time and effort into me. She will sit and make judgements, she will prioritise my sister over me time and again, she will blame me or my Dad for her own short comings, all the while not knowing what I have actually faced, generally on my own, the issues I deal with regularly or how her attitude towards me, her prioritisation of her and my sister over me, affects me. Even if she is confronted on any of it she fobs it off, tells me Im wrong, listens, sometimes acknowledges but ultimately nothing changes. Then they get the shits up with me because I put up boundries and I wont do certain things at all, that I dont give reasons why most the time I just say no. I figure if they dont want to be apart of dealing with the issue, listening to me talk about the issue or even remember I have the damn issue then I have no need to explain why I wont do something. I dont think Mum will ever change, she will always prioritise my sister over me, regardless of what she does to her financially. Mum clearly believes that my sister should be protected financially, that she gets DSP so Dad and her should help her financially, where they dont me because I work. It really bugs me, the amount of money I actually spend on medical costs arent taken into the equasion, she was living at home and me by myself so expenses wildly differnt and so forth. Im not saying they shouldnt have supported her, but it would have been nice if they had taken their blinkers off and seen, while I work, I could have done with some support too. Shit, I would have been really happy if they had made a time for me to meet them, with the notice I had asked for and actually spent some time with me, but it was clear that she didnt want to, she wanted to make it appear she was trying and that I was the roadblock.

[ClockFace]

I had my doctors appointment tonight, the main reason was to get my medical certificate for my licence, which I have to do every year. I think that on that front there is no issues.

My MRI results have come in, they did a full spinal MRI given that everything my previous pain specialist had done had put me in far more pain. My GP said that the results were "interesting". She didnt go through everything that was wrong but she highlighted that I have multiple unhealed fractures between my T6-T10 (I think). That, to the best of my thoughts, is a really bad thing. There isnt any known cause, like I havent had an accident or something. I had a major injury in 2001, but that was a very long time ago. I have to have a bone density scan to see if my bones are kinda just disinergrating I suppose. My GP has researched the right neurosurgeon and she referred me to him tonight, Ill ring tomorrow and try and make an appointment, hopefully the wait time isnt horrible. Yet another specialist for me to see.

She has organised for me to go onto a Management Plan through the practice due to all my conditions, this will help make sure I have blood tests, follow ups etc. I see the nurses at the end of the month and my GP the following day about it.

I was talking to Mum today and all the sudden I didnt feel right, I cant exactly put my finger on what it was but it was like I was off by 1 degree, I was kinda light headed, it felt like it does when you have a sudden drop (roller coaster), it was kinda dizzy and I was really, intensly having something like disassociation. It was like my brain was scrambling so hard to get away. Ive been trying to recollect the feeling, normally I feel like I am at a distance with disassociation, this time I felt more like I was running towards things, like it was getting closer, but it just kept getting closer and closer. The sensation was so similar it was hard to distinguish between the two, I really had to sit down and think about it. I said to Mum I wasnt feeling right and left, she did ask for me to bring yogurt to her and when I said it would be a while, she argued a bit but I told her that it wasnt happening. I sat down at the table for a bit, eventually I got her yogurt and I went to bed.

I was laying down and I kinda flipped out. I was carrying on a fair bit, pillow was thrown and bashed, I wear a mask to bed and that was on and off and then I started scratching my face. At some point I must have put my mask back on and next thing I knew I was waking up. I spoke to my GP about it and she said, it could be a medication interaction, though there have been no changes to my medication, so the next thing would be something psychotic, which makes sense to me, certainly not what I wanted but after I woke up, a psychotic event made sense.

She isnt happy with my concoction of medications that she inherited when I transferred to her. Im on a lot, Im on less now than I was but still a lot. She isnt so opposed to me being on a lot as she is concerned with the interactions between them. She is positive there is interactions happening and that the interactions are the reason or atleast a part of the reason why I feel so unwell so often. I feel sick, out of sorts etc, so much that I dont talk or present to the GP about it anymore, Ive got to a point where feeling sick is so common place that I feel like its just how its meant to be. The hassle is while there are a lot of medications, there are interactions, I need the medications Im on because they are all for a purpose, they are all there to treat some illness or issue I have. She is going to try and get a pharmacy review done to see whats going on.

To be honest the whole back thing has me a bit freaked out, fractures in my spine, how do they fix that? How did I get them? How long have I had them?What are all the other issues I have. Im seeing a nureosurgeon, can he do something, does it mean surgury, does it mean multiple surgeries. Does any of it mean that my pain will be reduced or gotten rid of, will they be able to fix my posture at all? How much more money am I gonna have to spend, how long will it all take.

Im a bit concerned with a new psychotic thing, like Ive had new psychotic stuff happen, but not like this. What happens if Im out and Im overwhelmed by these feelings again? What if it happens again in general or worse?

[ClockFace]

Ive  had pretty much no sleep. For some reason I sat at the table until 2am dozing, I then woke at 4. Its nearly 6 and I have just been sitting dozing again. Im going to have another go at sleeping shortly. Im  really tired, my backs sore as is my arm, when I woke up at 4 I was stiff as shit, when I was walking my legs were shaking from the pain. Its calmed down a bit now, but I assume thats what caused me to wake up. The boil is realy painful. Its right where I sit, so no matter how I sit down its on the boil, which hurts, especially if I change positions or move at all. Ive made a doctors appointment about it for today, Im hoping that they can do something, Id like them to lance it. It is making it hard to sit normally, which is causing my back to be more painful, not to mention its playing with how I walk, which is often at odds with how my back is making me walk. I am quite sick of having to make allowances for my issues, one from another.

I went back to bed and managed around another 2 hours sleep but that was it. I have a doctors appointment in a few hours so I dont see a point in going back to bed. The boil was the cause of me waking up for sure this time. My back is really painful, Im tolerating it but its pretty close to being more than I can handle. Oddly my shoulders arent overly bad, its not even a matter of them being tolerable, they just dont hurt that much.

Im feeling pretty wonky again, I keep saying dizzy/wonky because its the closest word I have, but I dont think its right. There is an element maybe of feeling of being off balance. Its not bad at the moment, I had it pretty much all day yesterday, Im really hoping that I dont have the same today.

As Ive said, I have a doctors appointment for my boil, I dont know what they can do, if they can do anything at all. Im hoping that they can slice it open and let it drain like they have others of mine. I got Mum to look at it last night and see if there was anything she could do, I still cant determine if she says it has a head or not. The hassle is that it is incredibly tender, as you can imagine and anytime she went near where she would need too to get it to burst the pain was too intense and she wasnt really even squeezing. This is where the problem with Mum looking at these sort of things comes in, she moved on to trying to pick the pimples surrounding the boil. I have no idea why she would do that, it stretched my skin and made the boil hurt. When I told her to stop, she didnt, she continued until I made a proper fuss because she likes popping pimples and given the opportunity, any opening, she will try to pick all she can. Like when I was younger, my objections didnt mean shit, what she wanted to do was more important than how it made me feel, the physical implications of it etc. Amazingly, while writing this my boil burst so no need for the appointment or Mum to be involved anymore etc. Atleast for now. Its amazing the relief I have from it bursting, like the pain etc is gone but in general I feel less horrible, less gross.

Some time ago I got right into making alternative brew coffee, Aeropress was my main method. I really enjoyed making the coffee as much as drinking it, there was an element of mindfulness to making the process of making the coffee. I found that I enjoyed a significant sense of peace in the process of making the coffee, it was often extended or flowed through to drinking the coffee. Even cleaning up afterwards was peaceful. I spent a lot of time learning about making coffee in different ways, particularly this one, a lot of time experimenting with processes and methods, just a lot of time reading and learning, playing and evolving my method.

After her sleeve Mum no longer liked the taste of coffee, but one day decided to try what I was making and she really liked it. This was the start of the decline in my enjoyment. Mum wasnt satisfied with the occassional coffee, if Id make one when she came down (which was rare) or randomly Id just make her one. No, I started getting text messages demanding coffee, not occassionally but regularly and multiple times a day. It brought up memories and feelings from when I was young and I would have to make Mum coffee almost constantly. Growing up she drank an insane amount of coffee and if I was around it was up to me, no matter what I was doing, to make those coffees, because God forbid she would have to make her own coffee, she would look after her own affairs, not palm it off to a kid. Anyhow, I resented Mum for making me make the coffee when I was younger. I dont feel like it was fair or appropriate, I dont feel that my sister was required to do anything remotely similar, I cant remember her being required to make any of the coffees for Mum. As Ive said before, I dont feel like Mum was spending any time with me, she was putting her time and effort into my sister, to rub it in she would not only not have anything to do with me, but what she did was to command me to make coffee. So what in my mind became my primary interaction with my Mum, was essentially for her to send me away and serve her. Now while not as often, Mum was doing the same thing. Make me coffee, I hardly speak to you, I take your sisters word, not only that I dont  even give you an opportunity to present your side, I assume she is 100% correct with absolutly no evidence. I know you have a problem making me coffee, I know you dont want it to be a chore, I know you want this for yourself but it makes me feel special so you have to make them for me. I dont care that it made you feel special and that the carry on about making me one etc. has spoiled that for you. That you found peace in the process when you made it for yourself and it was helping with your mental health. I dont care that it was your thing and I slowly destroyed all of that for you. I eventually stopped making coffee for myself altogether, it eventually lost all meaning to me, eventually she wore me down so much that I even lost the taste for it. Even still, Mum was still demanding coffees from me. Dad was making them for her as well, one day the filter disappeared and no one could find it, this brought making coffee for anyone to a screaming halt.

Out of the blue recently she asked me to purchase a replacement filter, but you have to basically buy the whole device, they arent that expensive. She said for me to buy it and she would pay me back. I havent done so as yet, I need to speak to my Mum about it a bit more. I didnt at the time she asked because I was hurt. Mum is so self absorbed that even after all this time, she still cant see how much this whole thing affected me. How what she was doing back then hurt me so much. She cant understand why it was such an issue for me, though she wouldnt talk to me about it. Even if she couldnt understand or appreciate, she could have just accepted it, but she wouldnt do that and now she wants me to buy a new one, assumably so I can start making her coffee again. What she is going to have to accept is that I will not be making her coffee, I flatly refuse.

I briefly spoke to her and she does have the expectation that I would make her 1 coffee a day, which I am completely aware would end up being more. She didnt ask, she initially expected I would buy the Aeropress myself, eventhough I have made it clear she has screwed it all for me. Now she will pay for it, but she didnt include that she expected me to make it for her. Physically I probably cant, my shoulders probably wouldnt like it, Im more than certain my back wouldnt. But I dont feel inclined to make her the coffee I used to like, using the process/method I used to find relaxed me and brought me comfort, that because she couldnt think of anyone but herself she ripped away from me just so she could have throth on her coffee. I dont care if it made her feel special, if she liked the taste or any other reason she had for why she should have them, I put all that money and time into doing that so I could feel special, so I could find some peace, etc. The fact that she cant see that or just accept it for my sake, says a lot about her feelings towards me and to now push for a new Aeropress even if she has to pay for it, proves she will put herself ahead of me, even on somewhat minor things, to get her way.

I went back to bed for a while, I was really tired and drowsy, dozing off a bit, so wasnt staying awake. Ive woken up now and its not really any different, Im sitting at the table dozing off, Im really struggling to stay awake, I just want to go to sleep. Yet when Im in my bed, I cant sleep or stay asleep. My sister just came in the kitchen, shes been away for a few days, shes not said much to me since getting home, partially cause Ive been in bed. Anyhow she says "are you serious?" I asked what and she said "After all my time away my cups havent been washed". I get what she's saying but maybe wash your shit before you leave. Again, take a tiny bit of responcibility for yourself, for your shit. I get it would be nice for someone to help, to notice. But stop expecting what never happens.

I went and saw Mum briefly, I still really struggled with staying awake even with her. It doesnt help that she talks really slowly with massive gaps between sentances etc at different times. It makes following the conversation really hard and if you're drowsy well you start struggling not to drop off to sleep.

Before I went down to Mum I told my sister I was going down to Mum, so she knew I was down there. Still she came down, opened the door, shifted the focus onto her again and left. She wanted to tell Mum she was home, there is always a reason she should be allowed to interupt. She could have waited, she could have shown me a little respect but no. Even after I have asked she stop doing it, even after I told her that I find it really rude, she still does it and Mum knowing how I feel allows it. I dont do it to anyone else, if I know Mum is speaking to my sister I wouldnt just interrupt unless it was important and urgent. Mum prioritises my sisters text and phone calls, to the point I have just left the room. Thats just rude on my Mums behalf and shows that she doesnt value my as a person, let alone her son at all. Its getting to the point that if things dont change I might stop spending time with Mum, because its starting to make me feel like shit.

There is more to it than that, that is making me feel like shit. I think I have seen past a lot to go and spend time with her, I have a lot of hurt in my past from her that she doesnt even acknowledge, let alone try to make things right. If you bring something up its a bit hit and miss, you could find that she accepts and understands what your saying or you get the complete opposite, you get how she did her best, she thought you thought she was a good Mum, all sorts of manipulations. What I am seeing more often though is she appears to accept and acknowledge what your saying, she puts on an act.  The stuff with the money to be paid via the EAF to my sister, I sat and talked with her and I clearly, on more than one occassion, made her and everyone in the house aware, that if she didnt provide what I have requested so I can put in the application, then I would not be held accountable for the money owed. I dont think its fair that I pay the money back, if my sister didnt take advantage of what I had organised. I was under the impression my sister had been told that time had run out, that the EAF had decided that they wouldnt accept her application. I didnt know there was a time frame until I asked and when I knew I tried to get her to hurry up, she still didnt. I had spoken to Mum, one on one about it and she had agreed that my decision was fine, that it made sense and was fair. The second my sister found out from me and made a fuss, my Mums recollection changed, she didnt think thats what I meant, etc. She didnt think my sister should be out the money, but at the same time it was ok that I was. I had done all that I had, I had lost and spent all that I had, I had stepped up where her and Dad didnt. I ended up mentally really unwell from everything and was still expected to go. I had basically no support at home, Mum couldnt even get out of bed to look for a pillow case, let alone pack a bag with clothes for her. Even after all that, apparently, according to my sister and my Mum it wasnt enough, I should be handing over 4-5k more to my sister. At the same time she is wondering if my sister is stealing from them, what happened to the house money and my sister had nicked money from her account. She didnt want to pay my sister any more money, but my sister is now broke (some how), so here is an opportunity for her to get money and they not give it to her. Then it is Dads fault and he should pay because he didnt do anything. But when he did the same to me about rent not getting paid to them for like a year, there isnt any mention of rectifying that, maybe because she is just as at fault as Dad, because she didnt get involved in things either and help me get control of my finances while I was really sick. Every damn time, no matter how sick I was/am I have to take responcibility for what happened, but if its my sister, all aboard, everyone has to run around making sure she doesnt have to take any. I think, if that keeps getting rubbed in my face as it is, then I wont make my way up there and spend time with her, Ill let her sit up there alone and deal with my sister treating her like shit.

I wanted to say something today, but I was too out of it to actually bring it up, my Mum gets asked to do things and it could take literal months or not at all. I mean we were only talking about this accounts book for my sisters house that Mum needed to go through to determine how much was owed by who etc. so the profits from the house could be settled. She didnt do it for months, she still hasnt done it and the money is gone This is now my Dads fault that he didnt find a way around it. But Dad hasnt moved a box and some blankets for at three weeks now and Mum is wild. She can make every excuse why she doesnt do something, she is fine with just that she forgot, thats fine for her. For Dad or anyone else, not a chance, there is no excuse she will accept, especially with Dad. This is despite all of us having illnesses and issues, including mental health issues, we are just not afforded the same luxury of being understood and accepted how we are. Its always meant maliciously, again especially for Dad. My sister isnt any better, she is the only one allowed to forget, have a bad day, a bad attitude etc. Mum wholly supports her when this happens. Me I snap and Im an arsehole and cant be spoken to for a week.

FFS, so as I said the boil burst, I had a shower and got Mum to see if she could get anymore out of it, its still pretty sore etc. She had a bit of a squeeze and next thing she is ofcourse picking elsewhere. So I said something about it. She did go back to the boil but again it wasnt long until she was going elsewhere, she got stuck on a bigger one on my other  leg, but I told her to leave it. It wasnt until I got pretty grumpy about it that she stopped trying. Which really gets me mad, she has to really tick me off before she will do as I ask. I asked her to look at my boil, thats all. Its causing me a fair bit of pain. I get boils and acne all the time, most of the time, other than psychologically, they dont bother me and unless they cause me discomfort or pain I leave them alone pretty well alone. The real issue I had was that I was laying on my stomach over her bed, with my legs hanging off. Not the most pain free way for me to lay, my back wasnt liking it at all. Then I was up on my elbows and when the pain was really bad, I got on my hands, arching my like that with my legs off the bed was really bad, but all that weight on my shoulders was really hard to take. They both hurt like hell, I have numbness and moving my arms isnt the nicest thing to do. So Mum who thinks she knows everything and she knows best, is trying to enforce her desire to play without taking into consideration my other issues, which I am. I was willing to deal with it for the sake of dealing with the boil, but not anything else. I shouldnt have to explain to Mum why I am limiting her to my boil, I get she likes to pick pimples etc. but its my damn body, if I say not to do something that should be sufficient, but its not about me, its about Mum and what she wants.

Mum isnt well and I try to remember this, I keep going up to talk with her but its freaking hard some days. The number of times I hear the same stories, which even if you do everything short of spell out that you have heard it before, she insists on telling you the whole damn thing. Its not so much that you hear the same story over and over, it doesnt matter how many times you correct her recollection or interpretation she falls back to her version. She tells a story about my Uncle and a text my sister sent him about her attempt. They would text semi-regularly. He however struggles with quite severe SI and depression. He didnt respond and Mum has decided that was disgusting and wants to write him a letter basically telling him so, I mean how dare he do anything but support my sister, regardless of circumstances etc. is just not on.

I had written heaps more  after this but there were issues with my app and I lost the whole damn lot. If I write about something I have written about above again, Im sorry.

I seem to have upset my sister now, she constantly dribbles shit, what ever comes into her head or she reads she says but not in complete sentances or even words. Randomly she will say something that I am actually supposed to have paid attention to and I havent and then it has to be repeated and its a thing and then it comes about that its completely trivial or there is absolutly no importance or relevance to it at all. She said something a little bit ago and I must have made a very unimpressed face or something because she appologised and has been much quieter since. She has always been kinda like this, but probably worse now, though we sit across from one another most the time so thats probably pushing it in my face more. The hard thing for me, which like almost everything else, the worse I feel, the worse my depression, the sadder I am, etc. the more I just want to retreat into myself, the more I want to pull away and be left alone. I am that way normally to an extent, I was on my own a lot of my life, so its feels more normal to me, I feel more comfortable when left alone. So its not really suprising that when Im not doing well, I prefer to be left alone. Of late I have engaged my family more with my issues, not a huge amount, I tell them whats happening but at the same time I pull away, kinda like I dart in, here's some info and off I go back in front of my screens. What I have found is that its making me feel worse, I tell them the stuff thats happening, how I feel, etc. and rather than supporting me in anyway, they screw me over somehow, the one way I really hate is when they act like they care and understand etc, but behind my back they give me shit or eventually it comes up again or a circumstance I have talked about happens again and they turn on me again or my sister once again is prioritised over me.

The other day something was said by my sister about not trusting Dad, she believes she has plenty of reason not to. I said to her that I had limited trust for all of them, she wasnt very happy about this. Truth is, I dont exactly trust anyone. I listen to people, I might take their advice, more often I have no choice but to go with what they say, ie doctors, but actually trust them no, no I dont. My very early memories are around getting picked on and abused at school and that my parents didnt stop it, neither did the school. They may have tried, I dont remember but they obviously didnt try hard enough and must have stopped trying at some point. I remember feeling like I was being blamed for it, like it was my fault by  the school. I was put into councilling and it felt like they just wanted me to change so I fit in more, which would mean I wouldnt be picked on and abused. I remember when I did actually stick up for myself and hit back, I was disciplined for it, but I didnt feel I was seeing my abusers getting the same. It was common for kids in my school to leave at the ead of year 10 and go to a school closer to the city, I was in a very small school, with few resources and fewer opportunities for students. I asked at this time to change school and as I have said before, as Im told, Mum and Dad decided they didnt want to split up the family. Knowing how bad school was for me, they made me to stay there because they didnt want to seperate the family. Which makes no sense to me, Dad was hardly ever around and didnt have time for me. Mum was more interested in my sister, when she actually had the time. In amongst her job/s, I cant remember if she had been injured yet, doing stuff at home and all the other stuff, she wasnt overly accessable either, certainly not to me at all. So the reasoning that they didnt want to seperate the family doesnt make sense, because I was isolated from the family anyhow, the difference is I would have been removed from a school of people who hated and abused me, I had a chance of meeting kids that I actually got on with and I would have been in a school with far more opportunities than I ended up in. The other aspect to this, if we go back a few steps is that Mum and given the opportunity us kids would have too, was begging to move back to the city, like it was apparently promised we would after 5 years, however Dad wouldnt allow us too. Nothing against Mum exactly, the relationship between Mum and dad has never been what I would say, healthy, but still she didnt move to the city on her own. She never forced Dads hand, so him liking a small country town, few people etc. decided that we would stay. He sold it to himself that it would be better environment for us kids to grow up in, even when it was very obvious it wasnt, that it was the opposite, he still forced it on us. Mum never left, which she regrets, all these decades later she hasnt left, shes done the next best thing, seperated under main roof, but it means so little. There are so many reasons why but I cant help being stuck on the one that, he brings in money and does heaps for her. If she was left to fend for herself, she would be completely lost.

A while ago I spoke to Mum about how I felt like she had abandoned me in favor my sister when we were younger, there were reasons for this at times, as my sister wasnt well etc. but for the most part she had just bailed on me. Anyhow, I brought up with my Mum tonight that I find it disrespectful that when we are talking she messages my sister back and forward or takes calls from her, which she needs to, but just leaves me sitting like an idiot until I just leave the room. Mum had plently to say about it, plenty of excuses for what she was doing. I had said that I understood that my sister needed her at times, I wasnt saying not to take the calls or check the messages but if they arent vital tell her to wait or something. I also said that I expect part of my hassle had to do with her spending so much more time with my sister. Mum pulled a face like she didnt understand, so I clarified with, when we were growing up etc. Mum basically then decided that it was my perception, that if I asked my sister she would think I got far more attention that her, which I think Mum uses a fair bit to fob me off, that my sister would think the same of her. Mum basically said that she no longer agreed with the whole MIA thing and her, she then went onto give examples which proved she spent more time with my sister than me.

I got her to look at my boil again, where it is I cant see it so I have no choice but to involve her. Yet again I pulled her up, like I did the night before. We ended up having more serious word. I told her that Im up on my elbows and it wasnt good for them, its hurting a lot. She replied that its sorta what you deal with, its just part of it. I kinda yelled out that my shoulders are fkd and just to limit her poking and prodding to a short period of time and the boil Ive asked you too look at. But like so many things you turned it around to be about yourself. You wanted to pick, my feelings, my other issues, none of it mattered, they werent going to get in the way, I however just put an end to it. Then there Im not feeling well, like really not feeling right and she asks for yogurt because she is too lazy (her words) to do it herself. It rarely matters how any of us feel etc. Mum still expects us to do stuff for her.

I saw my doctor last night, I posted seperately about this. I talked to Mum late last night about the psychotic thing I had and said that I was concerned that it was a lead up to me having another brief psychotic episode or worse. Her response was to tell me that if that happened she would curl up in a ball in bed. It wasnt anything supportive of me, it wasnt anything of what can I do to help, there was nothing about me, whats happening with me, how it affects me, how I might be scared, I mean there was heaps said in the appointment and so on, it was just about how it would affect her and what she would do as a result.

Mum keeps going on to me (and Dad) about how my sister isnt doing well at the moment. I get it, I do and its not that Im not sympathetic to her situation. She has a range of support people, doctors, etc. far more than I have or had when I had my brief psychotic breakddown. Ive talked to Mum quite a bit of late, Ive been more open with her than I have been for years about how I feel and whats going on and still she is pushing how my sister isnt doing well in my face, like I should be doing something, I should be putting my sister ahead of myself to make sure she doesnt do anything again. I dont know how she cant understand that I am not doing so well myself, that I am doing everything I can to just keep myself together, let alone be responsible for another person, who 1/2 the time doesnt want anything to do with me and when she does she doesnt listen anyhow. Last night I was hit with the idea that my sister thinks someone should be making her take her medications again, like when she got out of hospital. Her GP reduced one of her meds because she wasnt taking her night med and building up a stash, which she recently took. She wet her bed as a result, but allowed me to think there was something more drastically wrong for days. But yeah, not only should someone look after her meds, only allow her access to one days worth at a time but because she wont take her night meds someone should have to force her too. I have tried to get her to take her night meds but its Ill do it in a minute, Im enjoying what Im doing, etc. She just wont do it. I dont think that it should be someone elses responcibility to ensure she takes her meds, at some point she has to take responcibility for what she is or isnt doing and if she is going to chose not to take meds for whatever reason, then thats on her. But I cant be responsible for my sister, her medications, etc. I am struggling to deal with me. How about Mum, you get out of bed, out of your bedroom and actually participate, help or something. Stop sitting on your bed, waiting for everyone including her to come to you. Its like she wants us to bring a filtered experience of life in the rest of the house down to her, that she can then disect and instruct everyone how to act or resolve the situation(s), most the time with hardly any of the facts and the facts/information she does have is twisted or she twists in her head or assumes what the missing information is, leading to her making decisions knowing hardly anything concrete about the situation.

I said something to Mum last night about her ending up on the phone with my sister while I am talking to her, so much so I get up and leave or having texting conersations with her while we are talking. I said that it was rude and disrespectful, she made excuses why its ok what she was doing, she didnt appreciate how it made me feel. My sister has been doing a similar thing. I started talking to her yesterday and I hadnt even finished a sentance and she was trying to engage her do outside, through the window. He came inside and her attention was on the dog, not on what I was saying. I kept stopping what I was saying while she did things and was clearly not paying any attention only to get, Im listening. I dont understand, if I wasnt paying full attention to what they were saying I would be reemed, but if they do it, no hassle. If I point it out, Im wrong or overboard.

My sister and I were talking about me supporting her while she was in the hospitals for 5.5 months. She kinda threw it in my face that she was there every day when I was in rehab. I became addicted to alcohol for quite a while a couple years back. I ended up in rehab and she helped me through that. The whole 10 days I was there. Ive been in hospital before at times and my sister has helped, as has my Mum and Dad. Often she talks like she was the only one. That said, Ive never been in hospital for extended periods of time. I wouldnt have been in hospital for 5.5 months over my entire life. She cant seem to appreciate the sheer length of time she was in hospital and I was down with her. The impact on my life, how much I actually gave up.

She seems to feel entitled to everyones money, I have none, Dad isnt giving anything up, so she is just taking from Mum without any consideration. I got accused of taking her card from her without asking, which I know I didnt, but she has actually done that to Mum. She went in and took Mums card without asking, she took Mums card from Dad without asking Mum and she takes it and wont give it back for days. All things she accused me of and complained that I did. But I now realise she has the same opinion when it comes to me supporting her in hospital. It wasnt a nice thing I did, it wasnt that I gave anything up, that I put all my money and then some into looking after her. Why wouldnt I? She expected it, she was entitled to me giving up and dropping everything to support her, she was entitled to my life and the money to it all. Its no wonder she got so mad with me when I stopped and focused on myself. I hadnt thought of that until then, but it would make sense.

I drank heavily, really heavily for quite a long time, Im not sure how long, but I dont feel like it was like a typical alcoholic that spent years upon years drinking. My sister had a big issue with it, not because of what it was doing to me, but how I looked, that Id have food in my beard and so forth. I know she has an issue with food in my beard, I mean Ive just bitten into something so of course Im going to and while Im eating Im probably going to, there is little I can actually do about it. Anyhow, it was more that she didnt like looking at me when I was hammered. I didnt go into rehab because of her though, they were going to suspend my license as a precaution. If I went through rehab and then a program Id keep my license so thats what I did. I live some distance out of town with no public transport so a license is a must. I spent 10 days in rehab on a course of medication to deal with the withdrawals. When it came to the program etc I dealt with that on my own.

My sister has been there for me for things and for my Dad, but mainly she has been there for my Mum, who up until recently, was there for her. My sister has it in her head, very fundementally, that she was there for the family, she did all this stuff for the family etc. I appreciate what she did for everyone at times, that she helped my Mum like she did. Fact is that both Dad and I worked so much of it was not practical for us to do. We also had our own issues to deal with, its not like Im not well or Dad isnt, he has non-hodkins lymphoma and had chemo during this time. I do understand that she did aswell, she didnt work, she is on DSP, however she was in a better position to take my Mum to appointments and be her primary carer. Mum took advantage of this, as she always does.

When we moved here I got stuck with paying board, not that Im overly upset by that. Given that my sister didnt earn a lot of money, it was decided that she would clean the house in exchange for board. This turned into her complaining about being the only one to clean and that I wasnt doing my fair share and I got chores and then so did Dad. So Im paying board, Dad and I are basically cleaning the house and my sister didnt have to do shit. Then my sister sold her car and she started to drive Mums car, as Mum wasnt. She would pay for fuel and Dad the running costs. It didnt take long of her taking Mum to appointments etc for her to start complaining about fuel and how much she was paying for it. In amongst all this she is driving around picking up stuff bought from buy swap sell. She would tell us that it was all Mums basically, that Mum was sending her here and there everyday. Turns out, when everything came to light, my sister was going to collect stuff for herself and Mum would tack stuff onto the list. My sister was out and about everyday for herself, blaming Mum, creating heaps of friction in the house, causing fights etc. We would decide that no one would do anymore and she would make excuses as to why she went out again. It didnt help that on an occassion or two Mum would talk to Dad and Dad would agree to pick something up. A big issue that my sister and Mum have is that Dad didnt offer my sister money for fuel. There were probably times where she was driving Mum around more than normal but it would be hit and miss, but if she stopped buying shit, she wouldnt be going through all the money in fuel she was.

Ive sorta said bits of pieces of this in the past but thats the first time Ive said/written consecutively. She sits across from me telling me how hard done by she is, that Dad doesnt help her etc. When the truth is, he is and she is either trying to exploit the situation or she is lying about whats going on. Im looking back at things since Mum went down hill and my sister is the reason behind so many arguments, so much angst, so many financial issues for Mum and Dad. I dont know how many times Dad has told her to stop doing the grocery shopping, he will and she continues and then bills him for what she bought, so Dad has a budget of $500, which he uses and she goes out, does more and blows the budget out the water. Mum has seems to have joined in on the action, she goes shopping after she sees the doctor, spends $2-300 on food we dont use, stuff that week after week we just throw out. She pays for it, says that she is saving Dad money and has a problem with him cause he isnt using it, eventhough he has got what he plans to use for the week, she doesnt think Dad is acknowledging her contribution to the household, so she gets the shits up with him. When in reality, he doesnt want you doing the shopping, contribute in other ways, pay attention to whats going on. She sits in her room, she doesnt come out, she isnt involved in whats going on in the rest of the house, so she actually has no idea what we need etc. Therefore, stop wasting your money and making a reason to be mad. Dad also doesnt do things the way you used to, its not the way the rest of us would probably do it but stop forcing your way, stop doing it again your way and being mad when its not appreciated or used.

Some times I dont know why I talk to my Mum, well any of them though my Dad is making a bit of an effort. After my news yesterday I found going to bed and staying asleep really hard. I managed a few hours sleep but not a lot, so this afternoon I decided to go back to bed and try and get some sleep. I laid down and shortly after I started to have a really intense tactile hallucination. I told Mum and I barely got anything, I got uh but she didnt even raise her head and look at me. Now, my sister has been taken to hospital again, she was out with her support worker, who got her to her GP, who got her an ambulance. No one is really sure whats happened, but assume she has taken extra tablets again. With that said, I dont understand why my psychotic experiences are essentially ignored, even when she isnt in hospital, its ignored. So, I have no idea why I keep saying anything, I mean with what happened yesterday, you would think that a little notice would be taken. I kinda expect that I will end up back in hospital and everyone will claim they didnt see it coming.

The hallucination I had was different to previous ones, this time the demon got onto my bed, quite easily, but was much smaller than the ones that havent been able to get on my bed in the past. For some reason it couldnt get past my feet, it felt like it lifted the quilt at one point which really freaked me out. I continued to try and get some sleep, I couldnt lay on my left side, it hurt way too much. My shoulder is really really sore today, almost everything I do from shoulder down is painful. I laid on my right and I just ended up having spasms. It really didnt take long, about 20mins later, I gave up. The hallucination has kinda got to me, at the time I just live with it and wait for it to pass, there isnt much else I can do, but its kinda got to me that the demon, though a different one, has gotten onto my bed and why the demon couldnt get past my feet, whats with that?

Im pretty overwhelmed by the news I got yesterday, particularly about my back. A spinal fracture isnt a good thing, multiple fractures over a series of vertebra is really not a good thing. Then, I dont know the whole story when it comes to whats wrong with my spine. I keep thinking it cant be that bad if she didnt speak about it etc. and she told me the worst thing so I know its not going to be that bad in other areas but I just realised that multiple spinal fractures is pretty bad and leaves a hell of a lot of room for pretty crappy things to be wrong with other parts of my spine. That doesnt thrill me.

The whole thing with the psychotic experience yesterday wasnt great, shit like that is hard to deal with. Its really hard to deal with things like that, when you have had a brief psychotic episode already. Its also really hard when you get basically no support from your family etc. I told Mum and I really got nothing from her. Its not like I am expecting her to fix it or anything but sit and talk about it maybe, even ask what happened and if you are going to talk to me about it, let it be about me. Dont immediately or as soon as you can, steer the conversation to you or my sister, really dont bring up how my illness is affecting you. You're not having the experience, for the most part I keep it all to myself, underwraps and out of sight, so Im not sure exactly how it affects you, not that much anyhow, not as much as me having the damn things. Dad tried last night, I really appreciated it, he sat and we talked, he mainly listed to my BS. I dont really expect that my sister can be there for me at all, she has way too much to deal with herself. Mum has her shit but she keeps saying Dad, as a father, needs to step up. Well maybe she can do the same, we couldnt get her to go down and see my sister, Im actually going to her, maybe she can step up and be there for me and my sister when she is home, just sit and listen, dont make it about you, just assume for a little while that other people have issues and are in pain as well and your issues dont preclude you from being there for them, just them.

It is interesting that my Dads attitude towards my spine seems to have changed dramatically, there is a physical issue, a proven issue that can be seen. No one is going I think this or I think that, lets try this or that, they know for sure, 100% that there is an actual issue and its not all in my head and now he is what I can actually see, concerned and sympathetic to my situation.

I went up to see Mum not long ago and she was folding laundry in her room and she had been cleaning. Pretty much the moment I walked in she started complaining about her back. I get I might be a little sensitive, particularly at the moment, but I kinda think its in poor taste to complain about a sore back from doing normal household chores to your child, who has just been told his back is screwed up from top to bottom, not just that but he has multiple fractures over multiple vertebra. I get other people suffer back pain, that Mum also has back pain. Though from what I know she needs to make an appointment and have a procedure and her pain will be more or less dealt with. It just felt like such a slap in the face, I know what you were told yesterday, but Im going to complain to you about what I have, that could be fixed, as if you dont have a thing wrong with you.

[ClockFace]

Im pretty exhusted, Ive had very little sleep. Sleep is normally hard for me to get and last night was incredibly hard to get any. I think what I got was really light and broken. I know at some point I had a really intense nightmare that woke me up, bolt upright. I have no idea what it was about but its been a really long time since I had anything like that. 

I just tried to have some tea, Ive had a donut today and thats been it. I ate like none of it, a few mouthfuls of my tea and the idea of eating anymore of it made me feel like throwing up. Its become a really common thing lately. The doctors dont seem too concerned but I cant think its a good thing.

As I said in my last post, my sister was taken to hospital again. We dont know the details but are assuming its mental health related. Its going to be up to my Dad wholly this time and my Mum if she will actually go down this time. Ive got heaps going on medically and my mental health is rat shit. I dont think I could manage to deal with anything to do with her situation, while I am dealing with the shit I am myself. I feel bad, I feel like I should do it, like I should push though but this time I just cant. It doesnt help how I have been treated by her since she came home, the lack of real appreciation over what I did and gave up etc. last time. Im trying not to be petty etc. but I really dont feel that I need to put myself through all that again while I am in my own situation. Added to that, my sister will get support, she always has, my Dad will be there for her as best he can, Mum might actually go down this time, but its really unlikely that Im gonna get anything from either of them. I can tell Mum straight to her face the issues Im having and I just get ok, unless or until I end up in a hospital, Im not likely to get any support, even if that support would prevent me ending up in hospital altogether.

Im going to go to bed in a moment, Ive had my night meds and they have kicked in. I dont really feel that well, I feel pretty lousy. My stomach is pretty upset, got a bit of a headache, etc. I had a really fat day yesterday and today isnt much better, I look down and all I see is stomach. After I told Mum yesterday about my back stuff I went and told Dad and my sister and then I went back to Mum a bit later on. It didnt really suprise me but she decided that she would point out that I need to lose weight. She started with Sorry, but I doubt she was at all. I didnt need her to point out my weight, that losing weight will help with my back. What gets me about it is that when doctors have done the same to her, she cracks the shits, but her doing it to me is fine.

I went to bed, I would fall asleep, then spasm and wake again and repeat. Id be asleep, but really lightly and the spasms were really bad. It was really frustrating, Id fall asleep in time for my spasms to wake me. It didnt take long fo me to get jack of this and now Im up. Annoyingly, Im dozing as I type now, so Im obviously tired as shit and need to sleep. It would have been great if I could have stayed asleep not had to wake up and eventually get out of bed.

After my appointment yesterday I decided Id tell Mum, then Dad and lastly my sister. When I got home, Dad was getting home at the same time and he asked what happened. I said that I would let him know shortly, but it was bad. I got inside and my sister asked me how I went aswell, again I said Id let her know shortly. I went and spoke to Mum and while talking to her my sister walked in, she knew I was going to be talking to Mum however this didnt stop her and then there was a break in talking. Mum went and did something else for a sec and I asked my sister if she was ok and she again asked how I went. I said Id let her know shortly. I did finally tell her and I got nothing, she said pretty much nothing but seemed to be pretty annoyed. I dont want to be an arsehole but I find it interesting the morning after I told everyone what the doctor had said, she ends up in hospital, assumably a result of mental health issue, likely she had a stash again and took that. Im a little frustrated, why she keeps doing it, she has been through programs, got support etc. and she is still just as bad, I know she is trying, Ive been in a similar place, its hard but the way she talks, despitxe all the support and programs it would seem pretty evident that she has given up. Whats more frustrating is that she seems  be taking it out on the rest of the family. Im starting to find it hard  really hard to be awake so with any luck, Ill go to bed and actually sleep. It is a bit weird, I keep nodding off and waking up expecting to see my sister across from me, ready to tell me off.

I managed a couple hours sleep before I woke up really confused as to what was happening. I eventually came down to the kitchen and started writing again. Its cold as hell so Ive got my Oodie on again and the heater on. I gonna go back to bed to in a second and see if I can get some more sleep. Im not overly keen on going back to bed, its so frustrating, trying to fall asleep and then stay asleep.

I did go back to bed and I managed like an hour, seriously whats the freaking point. I jusst want to get a good nights sleep, like 6-7hrs of good quality, uninterupted sleep on a regular basis. Im going to take another medication that I normally take at night in a minute. Im hoping it will help me go to sleep, but if nothing else it will calm me down.

I went into town and did my normal stuff and did a quick shop. I got home and unpacked and was hit by the weird dizzy, odd feeling Ive been getting, but really intensily. Im figuring its got to do with the little amount of sleep Ive had recently. Its like I tingle all over, its really weird. My shoulder is really painful, Ive kinda given up trying to protect it other than when Im in bed trying to sleep. Its just so hard to do shit without it. I dont go overboard, but so long as its not heavy or causing my arm to give out, I just go ahead like normal.

I worked out why I kept having fat days. Im bloated as hell. I havent been going #2 for a number of days. I just went and I feel a fair bit better. Im still really bloated and full of crap but Im sure over next few days that should resolve itself, hopefully. This seems to be a constant fight now days.

I went back to bed, with an anti-psychotic under my belt. I anticipated that I had at least a shot at getting some sleep. No, not really. I managaged about and hour, maybe an hour and a half. Even then, it was a very broken sleep. Now, Im sitting writting and Im dozing off almost constantly, which is really frustrating. So, in taking some extra medication Im even more drowsy than before, but I still cant sleep. Id planned to do a couple things today but I dont see them happening now.

I really hate my skin, I dont go on about it as much as my sister, it is so incredibly gross. Its covered in acne, theres boils galore, mainly on my thighs/groin, where I dont have acne or  boils Im covered with scars from previous acne and boils. Half my stomach has red blotches on it from old acne/boils, my groin has to be so much worse. I cant see it but it feels really rough, you can feel all the scars. I get all these boils which burst as they please, its rare I get anyone involved. Ive had a couple cut open but that doesnt happen that often. I dont like people seeing me without clothes on, I wouldnt go to the beach and take off my top, Im not even a fan of shorts. They really make me feel so gross and disgusting.

I went back to bed, eventually, but sleep avoided me. My shoulder caused me so many problems while I was try to fall asleep. But while I was asleep, Id move or something and my arm would hurt like hell, Id have pain race down my arm and Id wake up. Eventually I gave up and got out of bed. Now Im sitting in front of my tablets again and dozing off, while trying to write. Im gonna go see Mum shortly, I wont be there long, I wouldnt be able to mangage for long in my state.

My sister is in hospital again, her ED Psychiatrist rang this afternoon wanting information about her home life, etc. Dad got me involved as I see my sister the most, though Mum of course took over as if she knew everything thats going on, while not leaving her room. They got to the part where they were asking about other family members. Id imagine that in most families this would be where they say things like, this person does this for a job and these are their hobbies. But for our family it is listing of serious major medical issues. Dad has this, Mum has this. What got me is that Mum simply said I was stuffed, that I had a lot of mental health issues and physical health issues. Its pretty unusual that she would do something like that, normally I would be glossed over.

I just looked around me and Im not only suffering from a range of medical and mental issues, Im surrounded by evidence. On one side I have blood test forms, the other is referals and bone density form and in front of me is OTC medications. I dont tend to forget that Im not well, the symptoms of it all remind me constantly but if they arent reminding me, I just have to look around. The spinning head, wonky feeling and now tingly feeling is becoming really common and long lasting. Its incrediby frustrating, it really makes me feel very uncomfortable. My tounge feels too  big for my mouth, its the only way I can describe it, my tounge hurts when I swollow quite often as well. It is most prominate when I am trying to sleep. Ive made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow to get her to look at it, it seems so insingnificant in the scheme of things that Im dealing with but its really bugging me. I dont know if its that my tounge feels swollen etc, but my mouth feels like Ive eaten an ash tray as well. Im kinda nervous about opening my mouth for my doctor, I think the inside looks like a fireplace after a month of continual burning.

For ages money has been an issue for me, eventhough I have a job, that pays ok, Im always struggling. I smoke too much, which is a big problem for me but my medical costs just cause me so much financial issue. I paid for my last doctors appointment and the refund was high enough for me to know that I had hit my limit, so Ive paid like $3k in doctors appointments gaps this year. I met my limit on medication sometime ago. I just checked my account and Im pretty low on money with a fortnight left to go until I get paid next. I probably should be worried about it, I should be freaking out a bit, but Ive been here so many times that its water off a ducks back. There is also the aspect that, whats the point in worrying about it, its not gonna fix anything. My sister has got herself in trouble, which Mum is doing her best to blame on everyone but my sister, rather than have my sister deal with her financial position, Mum is giving her, her ATM card for her to buy what she wants. She isnt just buying needed things, she is buying all sorts of things. She keeps using the excuse that it will be good for her mental health and when people say no to her, they dont care about her mental well being. We have a granny flat that is rented out, the guy in it at the moment is leaving. My sister has decided she should have it for a while (that would end up being forever) and that it would be good for her mental health. Dad said No, things went down hill from there.

Ive had a couple of days for things to sink in, reality is I knew my back was pretty screwed last week, this week I just know, partially why. So in many ways not a huge amount has changed but at the same time a lot has. I now know that I have fractured vertebra, along with a heap of other stuff wrong in my back. It would seem that what Dr Cornish was treating me for, I didnt have. What I dont know is, is all or part of it fixable, manageable. Am I gonna end up having surgeries (Im quite worried about spinal surgery), Dr Cornish put me in far more pain, can they fix that or has he permanantly screwed me. From what I know the fractures in my vertebra can be fixed but that would mean concrete in my spine. Can they get it all done while Im still on my insurance payments. Its safe to say, I have a huge number of questions surrounding it that arent going answered at the moment and likely wont until I see the neurosurgeon. Im pretty concerned, pretty worried and I feel rather helpless at the moment. Added to all this is the financial burden, can I afford whats coming up. I mean Mum and Dad are unlikely to be able to help substantially, a big part of the reason being what she has done to their finances. Given what shes done, I dont even think I would feel comfortable asking them for help now.

With all my physical issues, mental issues and financial issues, I have no real life outside of medical things, I have a job but Im not working at the moment because of my medical issues, there is seriously so little going for me in my life, so much so that suicide is so often seen as a reasonable option. I fight the urge, I keep holding onto some kinda hope that things will change, I also have a thing that suicide isnt a really an option that can be taken, its probably growing up in a christian home, eventhough I dont follow it myself anymore. However, it is still something that is on my mind a hell of a lot and with the latest news, even more so.

Sleep is a huge issue for me, the amount I get varies often wildly night to night, my sleep pattern varries, I had the same one for years but Ive had several in the past year. In the last few days Ive had another change. I pretty much dont sleep, I get 3 hrs or so at night over a couple of goes and thats often it. I spend a fair bit of time in bed trying to sleep without much success. I have spasms which prevent me getting to sleep or wake me up. I so often cant stop thinking, like my mind goes a million miles a hour. I am also just in so much pain that falling asleep or staying asleep just doesnt happen. My Dad said to my sister about me being in bed today when he saw her in hospital, her response was that I need to get used to it. I lay down a lot, not to sleep but instead of taking pain meds. Laying down takes pressure off my back, around an hour laying down gives me a fair bit of relief that lasts for a while. Its not as good as pain meds, but lowers my reliance on them