So over it

[ClockFace]

Im bloated again, Im pretty over this bloating thing. Its making the swelling of the cellulitis heaps worse. Im incredibly uncomfortable, Im really sick of being uncomfortable like this.

You know I say about being an outsider looking in with my family, its more that Im not really apart of the family, after today and me blowing up, I realise that Ive been more cast out of the family. I spoke without really any filter, normally I do have one on, it might not be great but its there. Today, it wasnt and it made me more aware of what I really thought and felt. I feel really betrayed by my Mum, I said a while back that she abandoned me when I was younger, what Ive never said is that I dont feel like she ever came back. She abandoned me for my sister and hasnt really ever looked back in on me. She goes on about all the time she spent with me when I was in the facility, the moment I was where she wanted me to be, around the corner from them, in a house I said I couldnt afford, but thats ok cause she was going to help me out with meals  to help make ends meet, but I dont remember that happening, not regularly, not like Id need it too for it to help make a difference on my rent. Even Dad cant remember her coming around to my place. I was home from hospital and dropped pretty much the same in one, almost, reherseased movement. The amount of times Mum has proclaimed to have spoken on my behalf.  That she had gone to Dad about things to bat for me and nothings changed. Yet everytime, everytime, she gets a bee in her bonnet about something to do with my sister things happen, things change or she keeps pressing until they do. If she talked to Dad it certainly wasnt with any vigor and she must have given up pretty damn quickly.

None of this is to sugggest that Dad is off the hook, he isnt much better than Mum, I cant say that he hides it better or doesnt try and hide it as much. He is less appologetic about things. He makes a decision, sticks to it and doesnt really appologise for it. Problem is Im the only one it really applies to. Neither my Mum or my sister really listen to him, unless it works in their favor. Also 1/2 the time Dad's decisions are based on either faulty or completely false information he has conjured up himself to fit the outcome he desires. He sits on the side lines, watching what my Mum is doing, how she is treating me in comparrison to how she treats my sister, he even freaking participates to avoid a fight with Mum, spending money on my sister that he knows he wont get back, while allowing me to dangle over a financial abyss. Shit, Im putting fuel in the car we are sharing, Im using it a fait bit but its not like he isnt. He could fill it up and give me a break. He goes on about the few thousand it cost him last time my sister was in hospital, its nothing on what I spent, what I gave up, but again he wont even consider helping me out, taking ownership of atleast some of the costs I incurred.

As much as Ive tried, I  spend time talking to each of them, though no relationship is developing with either, its just gone around about to the same bullshit, that its all about those 3. Its never or rarely about the  relationship between them and me. Im done with the lot tof them, Ill still be me, I wont change a huge amount but my expections or more so hopes for building a relationship with each of them more than just this surface shit and what they can get from me and vice versa, maybe some actual understanding of how I think etc, none of them have actually tried to learn to understand me since my brief psychotic breakdown. Shit its only recently that any of them learnt what actually happened causing me to go into hospital, like 12 years later we have discussed the situation so much that they didnt even know what damn well happened. How can they even remotely consider that they know me anymore.

I went to bed at 1am, I wasnt overly tired, I just wanted to lay down more than anything. I woke up at 2:30am desperately needing the toilet, I made it just in time. I still feel quite gross in the stomach, quite unwell and its nearly 30min later. Overall, I feel really unwell, particularly for this time of day. Im really tired, its like I havent been asleep at all. I dont think Ill be up long this time before I go back to bed. Its a bit after 4am, Im going to go back to bed in a minute, I have the heater on, its been on since I got up. Im still going from jumper on to jumper off, hot to really cold. Im really over feeling sick, there hasnt been a break from one thing to the next. Even if there is there is all the stock standard shit for me to deal with. Ive really had enough, I know I have to keep going, I know I have to go to do the scan and ER again tomorrow, I dont want to but cellulitis is pretty dangerous if its not treated properly and I dont need that. So I will pull up my pants, then pull them down again so they can treat it all. Im sick of how my parents treat me, Im not exactly on my own but in so many ways I am. I cant rely on either to support me in any emotional capacity, financially I might be lucky to get another loan from Dad for my medical costs. I dont know  how that will go now that Im bankrupt. The most I can expect from my sister is "U ok" and when I say anything other than "yeah U" ill get nothing in return because she is far worse off than me. Its not a competition, it would just be nice if her or Mum would recognise that my life currently is no bed of roses and that its not been for a really long time. Even more that Im using every ounce of strength to keep my shit together while I get help for myself, myself.

I feel terrible, I'm having issues with breathing, if I walk anywhere Im out of breath in a few seconds. Ive got my appointment for the ultrasound. I'm here now waiting for it. Dad sends me a text wanting me to get a phone number out of the car for him. I gave him the number and asked if it was for the guy tomorrow he said it was to make the appointment for my sisters family meeting which has now been cancelled for today cause of me. Next thing he is off and carrying on about getting people on board with the time. I just said ok. Im kinda sick of hearing that sorta shit, especially when I'm as sick as I am. By the time I got inside again I was so out of breathing I just sat and concentrated on my breathing.  My mouth is seriously dry last night/today. I cant get enough fluid down to keep it moist.

They did the ultrasound,  there is fluid collecting, whether it's enough to go on IV antibiotics Im not sure. Im waiting to see the doctor. I got back to ER and expected I'd say about the ultrasound and who I am and there would be notes about what's happening but the lady was just like I know nothing at all. So I had to go through 1/2 the shit again.

I ended up being moved over to priority care after while in ER. They did this and that. Turns out that they werent looking at fluid for the antibiotics but to work out if I needed to go down for surgery, there is a bit of fluid but not enough for surgery. They put me on IV antibiotics, I have no idea why they didnt yesterday, I can only assume setting up the hospital at home for it was too much on a sunday. Someone will come out daily and give be a big injection of antibiotics for a few days for now, on Thursday Ill see a Gp from my clinic and they will check eveything and decide if it continues.

Im well and truely sick of having one sickness, one issue after the other. I feel like I have been going from doctor, to doctor, specialist to specialist, ER to ER, procedure to procedure for an incredibly long time. I have all these new diagnosises, new illnesses, new issues to treat and manage. That more of what it is, its managing. My existance is all about managing one illness or another and Im so tired of it. Really, it shouldnt be like this, 34 tablets a day, Im supposed to be doing excersises for my back and my shoulder but I rarely do, if ever. I see a doctor of some kind at least weekly, I see my normal GP more often than I see anyone else outside of my family. I probably have a better relationship with her than I do with them, though I am paying her for the privilege. Im trapt in a decaying, death riddled body. I have only one goat in life at the moment and that is to get healthy enough to go back to work, for what reason, so I can pay doctors to keep me healthy enough to keep going to work. Seriously whats the fn point, I really dont know anymore, if I go onto DSP I wouldnt be able to afford my medical bills, so I go to work to afford my medical bills but for what reason. I exist, but I dont have a life, I cant do anything I might enjoy, so much so that I have no dreams of things I might enjoy. Why would I, Im only setting myself up to feel even more like shit because I cant do them. Its easier not to have hopes, dreams, even little ones, my biggest hope is to get as much time left alone, in quiet without interuptions. But, even with my sister in hosptial it rarely happens unless its the middle of the night. Hell, Dad walked past his office, sat across from me and read the instructions to the postal voting forms out loud. Why, do it in your head or do it in your office.

The big issue I have is that I dont see things improving, not that I will be dealing with the intensity of medical issues, I assume that, that will one day die away, one day we will get on top of the medical issues and then it will be a matter of managing and maintaining the issues that were not able to be resolved, which is a lot of them. Thats the thing I dont see improving, in front of me is an existance of managing and maintaining illnesses. If it meant that I was then going to be having a life, that there was a purpose in it, something I was acutally working towards but I dont feel like there is, all Im doing is trying to minimise the pain of my existance and in doing so Ill extend it and for what. I dont want to extend it. Shit, Im struggling with making my way through the time Ive been allotted as it is. I just dont see the point of it at the moment. My GP said recently things wont always be like this. The doctor I saw yesterday in ER did a bit of a  check about my mental health, making sure that I had supports in place given the volume of issues Im facing. I am really struggling with suicidal ideation, its less thoughts now but  its become an urge, a strong desire. I dont so much want death, its more that death has already embraced me and I want to embrace it back, I want it to finally have its way. It has clawed at me, tearing at my flesh, ripping at me, gnawing at my meat, sucking the marrow from my bones but keeping me alive all the while. If I just reach out and take hold of it, bring it close to me, it will end.

I sent a text to Mum and let her know what the outcome of today was, I had gone down to speak to her to let her know but she was on the phone. You would think Id get something back from her but apparently not. She probably meant to and forgot. She read it and my sister rang or texted and she got distracted. I went and saw her, we kinda talked, not much though and I came back down for my appointment. With everything Im dealing with everything I have going on and am dealing with you might think that someone would ask, in my family, how I am getting on with dealing with everything. Like not the facts of the problems etc, but how I feel. But no, again Im just left dangling on my own. Im left to fend for myself to manage things myself to work out the changes to my life myself. When I crack the shits, they wonder where that came from and its all the sudden unjustified. One day, Ill end up back in hospital or worse and it will come to them as a shock Im sure, or Mum will say to Dad that she saw it coming he should have done something. Either that or it will be my fault, I mean Im only looking after myself at the moment, how hard can it be. Why didnt I say something, why didnt I reach out. Why would I reach out, whats the point in that, everytime I say something or express my feelings I shouldnt have them, I should just get on board with what Mum and my sister want. Why do I have to be difficult. Its like reaching for a cookie and everytime having my hand swatted away and when I get upset, they ask why Im upset and I say I just want a cookie and its you should have asked. What the hell do you think I want if Im repeatedly reaching for a freaking cookie?

I had my appointment with the psychologist today. It was good. I did a fair bit of the talking. I was really open about the suicidal stuff. Far more open than I have been with anyone about it. I wasnt even nervous nor did I hold back at all. I dont think I held back about anything today. I cant believe how open Im being at the moment. We went through a few things, it was good, but she thinks Im looking for more values based responces and she doesnt think she can provide that, so she is recommending I see someone else. Which I understand but just at the moment, it was a kick in the guts I didnt need. I was actually finding her to be good, but if she doesnt want to see me then, well. I sent the company I use an email asking for recommendations for someone else. I think it might actually be good, she was kinda young and I think I might have been too much for her experience wise. I am kinda annoyed though, that basically means Im looking at yet again changing both psychologist and psychiatrist and I really dont need to be doing this shit, I just need to start working with psychs that get me and can start helping me get better.

I laid down for a little bit but it was less than an hour and I was up again, Im gonna down 3 phenergan tonight and see if I can really get some sleep. Im sure part, a big part of my issues would be much better and a lot easier to deal with. Im going to go to bed soonish, I need to get a good nights sleep, like a really good, solid, snore my arse off sleep.

The hospital at home guys rang, finally, Im all admitted, they are kinda weird like Im not being admitted into hospital, Im still living at home, not in a hospital. They asked a heap of questions including about my mental health, then proceded to say there wont be anything they can do. So whats with the questions. They asked me how tall and how heavy I am, 169 @159kg, it then dawned on me that for every cm of height I am, Im nearly a freaking kilo. That wasnt my greatest realisation.

Ive been bloating and swelling quite a bit quite often, I started having difficulty breathing as well. I realised today that when I bloated and swelled that my stomach really changed shape. I realised that my stomach kinda flows smoothly up, when my stomach swelled and bloated this morning and I was having issues breathing that it wasnt a smooth rise it was almost square.

My legs and feet are really sore, overall Im really sore and achy. Im tired now again, I downed the phenergan a few minutes ago so I imagine Ill really be tired soon.

The support is overwhelming, I just asked Mum if she would take the dogs just before 10, the Hospital at home people come at 10. Dad has a guy coming to help him but a shed up but they will carry on outside the whole time they are here. If they were with Mum she could control them and they would be far enough away they would be barking and carrying on. If the damn things had been trained at all maybe they wouldnt just bark all the damn time when someone is here. But no, she sent a response of take them outside. Mum would have to wake up 45min early, thats it to help out a bit. Its not like I didnt think of putting them out the back, I wanted to send them to her for a reason. I have been on about not getting support and shit and the first opportunity, the first time I have for 30min help she cant, even if she doesnt think its warranted, maybe just damn well do it.

The antihistamine has well and truely kicked in, I seriously can hardly make heads or tails of shit, Im so ready for sleep time. Im having a smoke and going to bed. Im so done.

[ClockFace]

Im redoing what Ive written today because looking at it most of it doesnt make a lot of sense. Last night I took the full dose of antihistamines, desperately trying to get some sleep, I didnt sleep anymore than normal, but Im just drowsy as hell today, Ive been nodding off randomly, typing, talking all sort. I fell asleep talking with my sister and Mum and my sister had a dig.

I went to the toilet at some point this morning and realised that my right leg is really sore, my right hip had been sore yesterday, my hip and leg are both now very sore, I cant yet desribe the pain, it doesnt really make sense in my mind yet, other than it hurts, sitting and walking. Everything aches, my backs sore, my head hurts, etc. etc. I decided that Id go in early to do my stuff in town, before Im in too much more pain. Dad was concerned about me driving as I had little sleep, but I had the same amount as sleep last night as I did any other night.

I feel like Im covered in something really sticky, like a glue lie substance that just wont set. The area with cellulitis seems to want to make both my legs want to stick to my groin area. My arms arent as bad but they still feel like they want to stick to my sides. I feel really gross, I wanted to have a shower but I was waiting for the nurse. Once the nurse left, I went and said hi to my sister and then had a lay down.

I got a little sleep when I laid down, maybe an hour, seriously not enough. I had shower finally, I feel a lot less sticky, which is really nice. But my legs are really swollen and really sore. Im bloated as well, Mum asked if I had put on a heap of weight but Im bloated. I got out of the shower and looked at my legs and they were big but my thighs are really big as well, when I walk they are not rubbing together they almost incorporated. There really isnt enough room with the swollen groin area and being quite a big guy already, having swelling on top of it there really isnt the room for it all.

I rang the hospital @ home people, I figured the only thing thats different about today is that they did the IV antibiotics, I rang and had a doctor on the phone really quickly and they are sending medication out by taxi I think to help deal with it. I have the pain meds they wanted at home they just bumped the dose, she was willing to go quite high, I talked her down lol. Its a weird thing when the patient is saying to the doctor I think you might be prescribing too higher dose of pain meds. Its been a few hours since I took the pain killers and I think the next lot will be the dose suggested. I just got up to do a few things, sitting down the pain overall was ok, but standind up and walking it washed over me pretty intensily. My joints are really sore, moving hurts and my reflux is really bad today. The dose the doctor said I can do should actually help me go to sleep too.

I wrote an email to the company that I do my psychiatry and psychology through. I dont have an issue with them, they provide the platform, its the psychiatrist and psychologist that my issue lies with. I told them Im not paying for my last psychology appointment given what happened. Im not paying for an appointment with someone who admits they arent qualified to help you.

I get my Dad is struggling, he is so angry, like all the time. Literally he wake up mad, it takes less than a few minutes in the morning for him to complain about something and it doesnt stop until he goes to bed. There is little said by him during the entire day that isnt him complaining about something, if he is being nice and pleasant its normally with my sister and it is very much put on, he is really working at it. We have talks, I should say we were having talks, that were more positive, I mean we discussed issues we were having with my Mum and sister, we even discussed issues I was having with him. I tried but I couldnt get him to be honest about the issues he is having with me, I wanted to give him the opportunity to discuss them with me but no. Anyhow its a constant stream of negativity, of complaining, winging. Im sitting writing this and one of the dogs is outside and it barked a couple times, he looks at the puppy inside and tells it to go tell your friend to shut up. Ive lost count how many times he has complained about that dog barking, often he is making more noise complaining than the dog is barking. Im not one to have an issue with people complaining, within reason. I complain, I try to limit the majority of it to on the SANE forum. I do talk things through with family, etc, but I am more so seeking to know what I can do better, how I can handle the situation better or stupidly, to have my voice heard on the situation. I say stupidly because it rarely makes a difference. What Dad is doing, and Mum and my sister are doing most of the time, is more about, look at how hard I have it. Thats how I feel anyhow. Its trying to promote their hardship above  others, though Mum tends to complain on my sisters behalf, you listen to her sometimes and its Mums mouth moving but my sisters words, though I think they are often embellished. Its not so much that he complains, I think he  needs to get  stuff off his chest, sometimes he needs feedback, sometimes he needs to just babble, part of the reason I said for him to go to a psychologist, it was for him to have someone to talk things through with that was outside the family. My hope being that talking to that person would help him and reduce the carry on at home. However, not so much, he "had" to cancel the last appointment and as best I know hasnt made a new one.

Its not so much that he complains, winges, etc. or that every suggestion, I make or anyone else makes to help the situation he disregards, hes tried everything and every variation of everything. Im not suggesting he hasnt tried heaps, Im not even suggesting that he will get anywhere regardless of what he tries. Mum needs to be engaged in anything that is tried to improve things, because so much of it is a Mum and Dad issue, they cant get on the same page about anything. The big thing is pick your audience, but he doesnt. Im the person he is most likely to unload on currently and some of the stuff he says is so insensitive. He goes about being tired and sleep issues to me but Im up all night bar a couple hours and he isnt down sitting with me cause he cant sleep, he says he lays there in bed unable to sleep and Ill admit this might be true but given I know the guy, the frustration he would have at laying in bed not sleeping night after night, I cant really imagine he is. Im not saying he sleeps like a baby, but his situation does sound, even without my assumptions, like it would be a huge amount better than mine. I dont mind that he says he had a bad night or something like that but every night for me is bad, 4 hours is good, 5 thats great and really really rare. So please dont winge to me that you got out of bed once to pee through out the night etc. He winges about stuff, being sore, this and that while I downing massive amounts of pain medications just to be able to sit and do nothing and I winge far less than him. I dunno, just some days its a bit much. Tonight he asked Mum if she wanted him to go in and buy her something for tea and she said no, not 10 min later she asked me to ask him to  get her something for tea and smokes and when I did he cracked it, I felt like at me. I said that I was just passing the message, Im trying not to throw up (I was really unwell at that moment) and he said something and next thing it was "you go throw up". When he got back from town I said someone will be here in a while with some medication for me. He mumbled something and walked off. Even after the taxi dropped off the meds he never asked about them, what was going on or anything. Which you would think that a taxi rocking up late at night, with medication and Im "in hospital" that maybe something had potentially gone wrong.

Mum got a very in her face understanding of where I am mentally today, the suicidal ideation has been very intense lately. I was really open with the psychologist yesterday and she made sure I gave Dad my excess medication of the one I have in mind to use. Im not telling my family but my support person is referring me to suicide prevention program, its the same one my sister went though.

[ClockFace]

Ive had an hour and a half of sleep so far tonight (its 3:30am), Im going to try and get some more sleep in a second. Im pretty tired so there is a good chance Im going to fall asleep, but how long Ill stay asleep for thats the real question.

I slept for close to 3hrs before I woke up and instead of feeling really refreshed Im feel even more exhusted than I I did before hand. before waking up. My back is really very sore and stiff today. Im pretty tempted to go back to bed, as much as because its really cold and Im struggling pain wise as it is because its so damn cold. I put my jumper on and about as soon as I did I was too hot. My legs are pretty sore again, but my joints are really painful. Ive just taken my morning meds including some extra, painkillers, so hopefuly that will help my joints and the pain in my legs.

We have a family meeting for my sister today, that Im supposed to be going to. Ive been keeping my committment to going very open considering my situation. My sister asked me the other day if I was coming, while hugging me and in front of Mum. She was facing away from Mum and I towards Mum and Mum is motioning me to just say yes, I didnt. Dad just asked if I was coming today and I said I wasnt, I really feel incredibly unwell this morning. Apparently Mum is convinced that I am going, so there is probably going to be an issue there today, which I just dont need. Ive now swung back to barely able to stay awake, Im really, really worn out, Im so damn tired. Ive taken all my morning meds, Im really just waiting on the nurse to come and do her stuff and then Ill go back to bed. I feel quite a bit worse today than I did yesterday. I ache a lot worse, given that Ie been taking meds for my legs the pain should be reduced a fair bit by now, bt they just hurt. Though the swelling looks better than last night.

Im not keen on going down to my sisters appointment thing for a couple reasons. I can drive into town to do what I need to do however, that is like 20-30 min round trip however going to my sister wound be 45 min drive just going there. I would be in so much discomfort by the time I go to the hospital, I would then have to sit through a meeting only to return home. I have to sit with my legs spread as wide as possible, it helps a bit but its still really uncomfortable, it feels like the area thats infected is much heavier today and sitting feels like my man bits are being squished, they are pretty tender. The idea of sitting in a car, with the bouncing and vibration from the car ride, its not Dads fault, its just a fact that this will happen and I really dont feel like dealing with that, especially when I can have someone call me and Ill attend via phone.

The other side is I really feel quite unwell, Im really tired and there is a good chance Illl fall asleep during the meeting. I dont want to go down, look like shit and be accused making it about me or something. I have spoken to a nurse on the phone and then the doctor, the at home nurse will be here soon. The doctor is sending out more painkillers for me as we have increase how many Im taking, he is also organising blood tests for me, I dont know if that means a seperate person is coming out or if they will get the nurse to do it, I imagine its a seperate person or the samples would sit it the car for too long. I feel so wiped out, I have movies playing but Im missing chunks of it, assumably because Im dosing off. The doctor is considering extending my admission, depending on how I go with blood tests etc. he is considering putting me into a hospital bed.

I must remember to talk to my nurse, Ive had a couple of hallucinations today, given that its been a while since Ive had anything its thrown me a bit. I keep seeing people studying similar to before, but this time it is inside the house, which hasnt happened before, they have had clipboards I assume for taking notes and their form is more complete than they have been previously. Its a bit more intense than it has been, certainly in recent times. They are becoming really common that I see someone staring at me or walking through the lounge or kitchen.

I went and sat Dads chair for a rest, I fell asleep pretty quickly. Im waiting for the blood test and medication before I can go to bed. Dad will ring I assume me for my sisters meeting. She doesnt seem happy that Im not coming. There isnt much I can do about it, she isnt the only person who is sick or technically in hospital. That said I might be reading into things, she might be completly understanding, I have my doubts though. It does seem to be all about her mental health and she does need to focus on herself etc. but not at the expense of others. Like she needs to understand that she isnt the only sick person in this family, she is one of all four of us. She might be in a mental health faciltiy but she isnt the sickest or most in need. We all have our own issues and you cant really aslways compare one against another, added to that my Dad and I dont normally voice our medical needs all the time to everyone. Often we dont understand what is going on so we dont know how to express it more so we dont feel we are allowed to express them.

I think my sister tends to forget or ignore that its not just the thing in front of me that Im facing, like I dont just have Cellulitis, I have all the other shit going on still, not even that its been a continual attacks on my mental and medical wellbeing.

Im in this meeting with my family, my sister and her psych team, I can only really hear what my family are saying, what the psych is saying is really muffled and like he has the phone up his butt. Which is really annoying, I think the idea is to put her into a 1/2 way facility, which I dont have  an issue with. I did just hear the psychiatrist say that her still being there is counter productive now, which I would have thought the case about a week or longer ago.

Its interesting that just about  everytime that there is a disucssion surrounding her issue at home, why she cant come home etc. that it changes or cycles through a series of reasons. Today its about how that she has to take on so much responcibility at home, it took a bit for this to turn to all the shit in the house, the fact that she needs to go through her shit and Mums apparently and sell it or keep whats to keep. This has been a thing for a few years. Mums now going on about how with her support through NDIS she can do the groceries, which is just gonna be a shit show. My  sister feels like she has to take responcibility for all this shit at home, when she is here. Which makes no sense cause last time  she was home she bailed on doing anything. I dont think its really a matter of her being responsible for anything, she doesnt like the way Dad or I do things or the timing in which we do them. But the kicker is when I speak to her its more about one parent or the other, maybe the dynamic of the house in general. All things are true, its just that she seems to pick and chose what she is going to blame it on today, depending on the audience. Then you listen to my Mum and she is completely sold on my sisters crap. It doesnt matter how many times and how indepth you explain it Mum doesnt want to believe that my sister was less than nice about her when she was last in hospital. Mum likes to lay a lot of blame at my Dad and my feet.

I went and laid down for some sleep, which after a short period I actually got. Unfortunately an hour and a half after falling asleep I got a call from the pharmacy for the hospital at home  place to go through stuff about the medication they are sending to me. Which is all information I know, in the end I said about the really strong pain medication I take and he was like ok, so you all good then. I was like pain medication and I are old friends. Not long after waking up I had a message from Dad saying they were going to visit family friends. Im really glad I didnt go with them, it wasnt just the meeting, after they stayed with my sister for a bit obviously, now going out, there is no way I could have handled all that. I dont think I will actually be up that long, even after having a nap, Im incredibly tired and I want to sleep.

My tounge is really sore today, I have really bad dry mouth, I think thats a big contributing factor. Randomly, I get a pain at right at the back of my tounge on the left side, it is intensily painful. Its only the last time that I was able to distinguish where the pain was originating from in my mouth, I knew the general area but its so intense it kinda just overwhelms me. I cant describe the pain yet though, other than its overwhelming, mayybe its like someone is trying to give my tounge a piercing with tightly packed barbed wire. Thats as close a desription I can think of but its not adequte, lets leave it with it is really painful and I am thankful that its short lived, around 20-30 seconds.

Im not even telling my family about everything thats going on anymore because its just too much and I think that they get sick of hearing about my issues. They dont remember all the ones tell them about so why add more. There is a fair bit about my medical and mental health treatment that I dont tell my family, they dont seem interested in my stuff anyhow so why would I. I tell them important information, stuff that matters but even then they tend to pick and choose what they want to know, not that I can speak I forget what Im dealing with which is why its written down now.

I just went and had a shower, there is a massive mirror in the bathroom and you can see your entire self in the damn thing. Im a big guy, bigger than big and a lot of it is gut. Looking front on is not great but side on is incredibly depressing. Seriously, Ive met people who I am wider side on than they are front on. But I  feel like I have puffed up more than normal, even my arms look like they are having more than normal trouble staying near my sides. I feel like my whole body has blown up and I dont even feel bloated at  the moment, at which time I know I just expand like crazy.

I have caught myself in the mirror a few times lately, but particularly today it has really upset me. I am massive, I feel massive and I look massive, if you painted me green Id look like the hulk who'd let himself go. I say that a little tongue in cheek but its kinda true. Its really depressing though, like massively depressing. Today wasnt the day for me needing that realisation of just how horrendous I look. How I look has never botherd me, Ive never been attractive, but this isnt about how I look so much in the how I look to others but how I look to me and how unwell I must appear to be, well Im unwell but you know what I mean. Not much that is wrong with me comes back to my size but I have to think that it must play a role in things that arent neccessarily connected to size.

Everything is swelling back up again, when I went and had a shower it felt like the infected area had died down but now it feels really big again, though it could be my thighs swelling. I dont know, there isnt much room in that region though. I feel so uncomfortable all over my body, Im finding this increasingly difficult to deal with. The doctor I am seeing tomorrow at my clinic I havent seen before, so I have no history, she doesnt know anything about me. So Im not terribly confident about seeing her tomorrow.

My hallucinations have been a bit of an issue just recently, but this afternoon they turned a bit nasty. I never had one like this, I had a girl, I wont go into description but she wasnt friendly come racing, almost flying really quickly at me over the kitchen island. It scared the shit at me, it was in the corner of my eye to begin with, I turned towards it and met it dead eye to eye kinda thing, it got pretty close to me and it just vanished. It wasnt ghostly, I mean it wasnt a everyday run of the mill girl, it was evil but it wasnt like TV show stuff, disappeared with like vapor trails and shit.

Mum and Dad went down to the meeting today, I stayed home. When they left I had fallen asleep in Dads chair. They left at 11am, its now 6:30pm. After the appointment I expected them to spend some time with my sister but they then decided that they would go and see family friends, that they havent seen in a very long time. The decided today, with me home sick, cannular in my hand and everything else, to go and visit them. What really gets me even more is after speaking to my Mum quite openly about how difficult I am finding it not to follow through with my SI just yesterday. So, the great idea is to leave me home alone for half the day. Im really very confident that Mum wouldnt allow that to happen with my sister, even without the SI, someone would be around and available all the time or at least the vast majority of the time, she wouldnt be left alone for hours. Again though, its different for me, Im again reminded how little Im actually cared for. If they rang or even texted and said would you be ok if we do it would be different but no there was nothing just a message saying thats what they were doing. And Im supposed to worry about them, take them into consideration, wake Mum blah blah blah. Im pretty hurt, even if they checked in that would be nice but not even that happened. Im really struggling, Im going to have my tea, take my meds and go to bed.

Im not really sure why I chose to talk to her yesterday but I did and I was pretty honest and now I feel like an idiot because she has shown just how much she cares in less than a day. I wont be talking to her again, not like that. Another hallucination this time with a person in black, black beanie walking around the corner down the hallway. Again freaked out. I just need to go to bed so these arent happening anymore.

I went to bed and it took at least an hour for me to calm down enough to actually fall asleep, I got a bit over an hours sleep maybe a little more. I really am seriously on my own with this shit. Before I went to bed I sent Mum a message which contained a sentance My hallucinations have turned nasty and are scaring me. When I sent that she was in the car with Dad on their way home. All I got as a response was Okay. We're on our way home. Ive seen Dad and said hello, I asked him to get me a pack of smokes. Normally they would be on the kitchen bench or my area. They werent in either, I asked him if he got them, he said he did, they were in the car, along with a pack for Mum. I went and got the smoke, had a couple and then took Mum her pack. I didnt stay long with her, I feel like shit, really really crap. But, neither Mum or Dad said a thing about the hallucinations, I mean can I make a louder cry for help?

I wonder what chicken breast cooked in fantastic noodle chicken flavouring would be like.

I dont know whats up Dads arse tonight, he came in the kitchen, didnt say anything at all and now he is in his room. He has hardly said a word to me, normally he talks to me a fair bit that it bugs now that Ive said Im in a bad way he doesnt say shit. When hes gone to bed Im thinking of calling rural and remote mental health services and have a chat. The hallucinations really shook me today, Ive not had hallucinations that shook me for ages, generally they are just, they happened and thats it but these are really stuck to me.

So again, Im on these antibiotics and Im still getting boils. I started to get pain suddenly when I sat down. It felt like a boi on my bum on the outside at the canyon. I had no choice but to get dear old Mum to have a look for me. She might be hard to get on with a lot of the time but she will deal with some gross stuff for us kids. Turns out that it was inside my butt, just slightly not deep inside. It was pretty painful and apparently oozing so Mum dealt with it for me. Its far less pain now

[ClockFace]

I was speaking to Mum earlier and said I feel like everything is swollen and she responded saying that she agreed. It feels like my arms tight and my sides are bigger than normal. I feel bigger in general than normal.  I looked up the stuff Im taking and a potential side affect is general body swelling, Im assuming that Id meet that. I doubt that they would do much, maybe increase my diretics.

The weird thing, ever since all these antibiotics Ive had more of an appitite. Ive not eaten this much in a long time.

My sleep is doing my head in, I went to bed earlier because I was tired and dosing off. I went to sleep and 45min later I woke up feeling quite alert. I came down to the kitchen and  started doing things and next thing I am dosing again. By dosing I mean, I would fall asleep briefly, wake up with enough tme to correct my mistakes in my  writing before I did the same thing over again. I get trapt there, stuck in this cycle until I break free, go to bed and wake up and do it again. I woke up this morning, after waking a couple of times during the night and I was really drowsy. It took quite a while for me to get going, it got closer to the time I needed to leave for my doctors appointment and I got up and got going in a hurry, it was a fair effort to get going. But I have got myself organised and Im ready to leave shortly.

I have a pounding headache, its been getting progressively worse since I woke up. Im still really tired, I want to get the doctor and then hospital at home stuff done so I can go back to bed. Why, given Ill sleep for an hour and wake up again. I dont feeel quite so swollen this morning, Im still pretty sore and achy. Ill talk to the doctor about it when they ring. I cant say Im keen on any of it today, Im so sick of seeing doctors and shit. Ive really had enough, I know this is pretty well better than being in hospital but still its a lot.

FFS I just got back from the GP, she agrees a couple more days of IV antibiotics is warranted. I talked about my tongue and we ended up sidetracked by the freaking ORAL THRUSH. Are you kidding me? I now have to get medication to treat that. Im seriously so done, she recons I got it from all of the antibiotics etc. Still, can I go a week maybe without a diagnosis of something, I feel like if its not something new to deal with its a twist on an existing issue that has now come up for me to deal with. Im getting very much of the feeling that I just want it to end, one way or another I want it to stop.

Im going to be continuing with the antibiotics for a couple days longer, so nurses will continue to come around. They took more blood today to look into the body swelling. Im really tired, I seem to be really exhusted all the time, like I could go to bed and go to sleep at any moment. I really dont feel like I have anything else to give. Normally when you're sick you tend to sleep to help your body to recover but I dont really sleep and when I do its only a short period at a time. This didnt change for me, so Im drained and more tired than normal but not sleeping anymore than normal.

Dad for some stupid reason Dad decided to eat Hungry Jacks for tea last night, Dad has crohns and this sets him off big time, he knows it does and yet he decided to eat it last night. So since late last night he and the loo have been bum buddies. I dont get it really, I have a lot of things wrong with me and there are things I cant do, now there is stuff that I need to limit but if I do some stuff it causes me a lot of pain. If I eat more than what I should of different things then it isnt like the end of the world, it will affect me but it wont make me like Dad is today. So learn and live within the restictions you have. Dad isnt good at that, he pushes through and pushes through some more. He needs knee replacements and instead of taking a step back he is outside doing shit. I dont understand, yes there is things that need to be done, but not everything needs to be done today, in fact some stuff you say needs to happen doesnt actually need to happen at all. If not for yourself, maybe for the rest of us be inside, be available to do stuff needed. I dunno, just maybe its time to reevaluate priorities etc.

He has been in a more than normal foul mood, like he is just shitty all the time, today he seems especially so. When I went to lay down earlier I wondered to myself what I had done wrong and then I stopped because I didnt care. If he wasnt going to be an adult about things, I wasnt going to waste my time concerned about what potential thing I might have done to step on his feet. I went to the doctors this morning, I got home and didnt go directly to the chemist, which I normally do. I went to go into the chemist to get my stuff for thrush and Dad adds Mums stuff that she needs. Instead of saying Ill grab what you need when I go in he leaves it to me. Im in hospital, its just so happens that its at home, but Im still sick enough to have a cannular in, have nurses, and clinpath and medications being delievered from the city. Im not having lolly water injected each day, its IV antibiotics, plus another tablet to increase its potency. Plus I have oral antibiotics. I have awesome side affects like my entire body swelling, all my joints aching, which would be from the swelling. I feel aweful most the day. I cant really pinpoint why I feel so horrible, I just feel horrible and Im exhusted, so very very exhusted. The increase in pain killers is making me a little off centre as well, it doesnt help to be exhusted and drowsy.

I went to bed for a bit again, slept pretty well. Ive woken up, in quite a bit of pain, my back is really painful, I still feel pretty swollen but not quite as bad. Im still really tired but Im waking up better than I have. My cannular is getting really sore, so Ive run the hospital, Im waiting to see if someone can come do something about it. I said to the nurse this morning that it was on its last legs, its a pity, its in a good spot and I have no idea if it will be when they do the next one, but hopefully I wont be needing that for long. It quater past 7, Im gonna have a shower in a minute then take my night meds. My shoulder has been extra special sore lately and I realised that that would be because of the swelling. With the cellulitis, this being the second time Ive had it Im concerned that there is the potential for this to keep occuring, which is pretty dangerous.

[ClockFace]

I went back to bed somewhere around 1am and woke up again around 3:30am. Sleep wise over the past 24 hours Ive slept a fair bit, more than I have for a while. Unsprisingly Im still pretty tired, part of me wants to go back to bed now, but I do know that if I laid down my pain would get much worse than it is at the moment. My back pain has been increasingly worsening. I didnt wake because of the pain but it does seem that it is going to be the reason for me to stay awake. Ive got a few hours until Im able to have any additional pain relief.

I went back to bed after the nurses had done their thing. I set my alarm so that I would be up when my sister. When I got up, she had been and gone into town. I stayed up until she got back, she was in a shit of a mood, thankfully she was only here for like half an hour and then she left again back to her hospital. Mum and Dad talked for a while, then Dad left to do shopping. Mum then carried on with me for a while. It was reiterated how little Mum thinks of me. It was all about how hard my sister has it, how horrible my Dad is. You know shit like how Dad should do this or that if it means my sister doenst end herself.  However Mum wont even talk to me about my issues let my SI. I can imagine she would do anything remotely like finding a space for me even if a psychitrist said this was the only way to stop him moving forward with what he is thinking. I know for a fact when I was saying about moving out there myself I got no support from anyone, including Mum even though it was to help my mental health. There was more shit that she was on about, she went through who was at fault for moving from each house they have ever owned. Seiously, whats the damn point of that. I cant remember the other crap she was on about but I know it left me feeling very much that she didnt care about me at all, it was all about my sister, all about how whats going on affects her. Shit there was carry on about how the shit storm our house is in is affecting her, Mum said about it being mostly her crap and I said that I was about to say the same and that she isnt the only one that it affects. But she wants an area that is not trashed for herself because all the trash is too much, so dump the shit on Dad and I and take over more of the house you cans mess up. Im sick of looking up, above my screen and seeing a pile of crap, I rarely walk in that room because its even worse around the corner. The kitchen area isnt any better, and digs are made about the dust on my stuff that I use pretty well daily.

The other nurse came in and gave me my IV. Im waiting for the delivery of my oral antibiotics that I start tomorrow, which i wish they would hurry up with, cause I want to go lay down. I just rang and they havent even left. I said to ring the door bell but if no one answers to leave them at the front door. So Im off to bed for a bit. Im tired.

I just woke up in heaps of pain, my tounge hurt so much I was screaming and groaning and it lasted a while. Ive not had pain like it in my tongue before. Ive got glossitis and now thrush, so it could be a complication of that. A nurse is dropping off meds that I need to start tomorrow, I rang the hospital and when that nurse comes they are going to have a look when they get here. Im really confident that I didnt just bite my tongue because of how long it lasted and the intensity that it lasted at. Ive got a fair headache going as well. My left shoulder is causing me a fair bit of grief, it was sore before I went to bed but now its really bad, the whole arm is bad. It hurts to move it, even typing is giving me some added discomfort. My back is not a fan of mine, I feel pretty puffy and gross. All in all I dont feel fantastic overall, I want to have a shower, take my meds and go back to bed. I slept for a hour  and a half but Im still really tired and Id like to go back to sleep. Last night and today, I have slept more than I have in so long. Im still stuck to a couple hours max but Im not up for long before Im back in bed. My legs are like dead weights, they ache but they are just so heavy. But that would be because I had the IV really late today. Dad just walked in and said he really likes this service Im getting. I do to, for the most part. Not having a doctor actually come and see you is a little off putting, they rely on photos and nurses, which is all well and good but when there are complications you'd like more than a phone call from a doctor trying to get off the phone. Thats kinda the vibe Ive been getting with all but one doctor, I hope a doctor does call to talk, there might be a crack but from everything I see online, my experience is not the same. I shouldnt be screaming in pain from a crack. The nurse that stopped in was fine but he was dropping off meds on the way home and he has been trying to for ages (Im aware as he was supposed to be here ages ago to drop off meds) so he wasnt overly keen on sticking about and I dont blame him.

When Im in hospital Im not one to push the nurses button at the drop of a hat, I dont like to bother them unless its actually really needed. Im the same with this service, I dont like to call unless I really have to but there is no regular check in through out the day or updates to stuff which is a little off putting.

My sister has had cellulitis a couple times and boy did she carry on and it is regularly brought up how bad it was. She was in hospital, this was before hospital at home, which is how they deal with it now. My case of cellulitis was classed as severe, I was given IV antibiotics for longer than expected. Ive had so many different types of antibiotics lately trying to deal with my infections as Ive had a few. But Im treated like this is nothing. My cannular tissued, it hurt but once it was removed (by me) all good. The number of times my sisters cannulars have tissued she should be used to it, its not that painful, but she makes a song and dance everytime. I nap during the day, I dont sleep most the time, a couple hours here and there but not real sleep. My sister has taken to to complaining about this. I think its come to the end of the road in this respect, that no matter what she has its far worse than anyone else, I dont say shit about shit and Im the one thats winging too much, thats pathetic etc. I dont care on this front that shes having mental health issues, because there is little change to normal. She has been far more hostile to me this time she has been in hospital and I have to consider that its because Im not taking an active role in things, given my circumstances I cant but she doesnt care, as much as she didnt care what cost helping her last time came at to me.

I went and had a shower and Mum said that Dad had told her I woke up crying like a baby. I corrected her and said I woke up screaming and that I had a crack on the side of my tongue. I gave her no more than that really. Its still pretty painful, my head is pounding, I feel really lousy.

Ive been thinking about this all night, it amazes me how much pain my sister and Mum can inflict upon me while thinking they are completely justified in doing what they are doing and saying, even when I have told them they are out of line, it hurts and shit Mum has said to my face that she agees with me. It really is incredible how much pain they can cause me, my sister in particular. Her ability to make me feel like no matter how sick I am, how much pain Im in, how intense treatment is, how intense my psychotic features are, how bad my other conditions are, like my depression and suicidal ideation is, she has always had it so much worse and she handled it so much better than I am. She makes sure I feel like I pathetic, that I feel weak and insignificant even when I am sick, really sick and vunerable. That might be what I have difficulty with the most, being made to feel insignificant.

Dad just asked if I was ok, he has asked a few times this afternoon, each time I say yeah. I asked Dad this time if he was ok and he also said yeah. I just blurted out that we all fn lie dont we and again he said yeah. Whats the point in asking if we are just going to lie to each other. I was tending to try at least be honest about it but there is always a point of just say yeah because Im no different to my normal level of shit. I got to the point that being open about things though was more painful than than keeping it to myself. If I need them to know something Ill tell them other than that Im ok, Im always ok. Because, tell them Im not or tell them I am they dont care, atleast if Im telling them Im ok, they arent letting me down when they dont say or do anything to help me.

[ClockFace]

I went to bed at 1:20am, I slept for around 1 and a quarter hours and just woke up, which is common enough. Ive been making my own "medical" chart for use at home, Ill record my vitals including my blood sugar level, which is where this originated from but also, what Ive consumed, events, symptoms, sleep periods etc. The idea is to get an idea of why I feel as I do, when I do. I need to try and record how much sleep Im getting and each night, what Im eating and drinking and when, particularly in relation to feeling unwell, keep a record of my vitals etc. so I can get an idea of how, what I eat and drink affects my BSL mainly, but also keep an eye on blood pressure etc. Im looking for any correlations anywhere between what I can observe and what I consume. The other benefit is that when I see the Dietitian on Wednesday Ill have some data for her to work from. She will be able to see what Im eating and drinking and its affect on my BSL which will help us work out the correct diet for me.

I have to speak to my Dad about money, this month has been pretty big and taxing and its not over. I was going to see if I could borrow a few hundred and hopefully just make do with that but I am going to need to borrow like $1000 and I dont know if he is going to be able to do that. I will have to talk with him to see what we can do, how we can go about me paying for my appointments. Ill get a great deal of the appointment cost back, I dont know how much Ill get back on each appointment, just it should be far more than normal, so Ill be able to pay him back most of it within that week or so. I went to see what the rebate amount would be and no where does it say, like I cant get a percentage amount, a tiered system or anything.

I keep getting damn boils even though Im on multiple types of antibiotics, its really starting to irritate the shit out of me. I have a couple that wont pop, but are smallish, I have a heap of smallish ones that have popped that keep refilling or weeping and I have a few larger ones some that wont pop and some that have that keep refilling. I have 1 in particular that has popped, it keeps healing up and refilling and I pop it again, but its very much a liquid rather than a solid mass but its where my leg sits at the end of the chair a lot and its pretty painful, especially each time I pop it again. Im so sick of having continual boils, its never bothered me in the past but significant boils, big  and painful, even small and painful were few and far between, now they are just an everyday occurance, so regular that its like going to the loo. I know it would seem like such a minor thing, I mean its not cancer but still in the number Im getting and regularity is making it a much bigger issue, not to mention that I developed cellucitis as a result one of the boils I had. How sick I became as a result of this and the potential for serious complications, a simple boil has the potential to be disastrous for me, hence my encouragement of the dermatologist to make my appointment sooner than it already is.

Its really cold, Ive had the heater going since I woke up around 3 and Im still freezing, putting on a jumper is incredibly irritating to me at the moment, the weight is an issue but being confined within the jumper is unappealing, its as if Im trapt yet again. I cant put them on at the moment anyhow because of the placement of my cannular. Im gonna go to bed in a minute, as much to warm up as anything else. I got to be up a bit before 8 though for the nurse.

Mum came down yesterday and I got a bottle of grape soda and she had a crack about why I was drinking that shit. She was on about how I need to make better choices etc because of the diabeties. Ive been keeping a close eye on it over night and it would appear my drinks arent an issue. Ill continue to monitor it but who does she think she is to have a dig at me. Im sick of her having goes about my weight etc. particularly when she knows I am stuggling with my thoughts and feelings about it, its like at that point she wants to stick the boot in.

I woke up in intense and overwhelming pain in my tounge again. I rang hospital at home only to be told that they had discharged me last night, with cannular still in place. I took it out and told them Id present to ER. To be honest Im happier with this. I had a diagnosis of glossitis, then I got oral thrush, the glossitis seems to be better since I started taking the medication for the thrush. Now I have this pain, I can only imagine that they would assume that I am biting my tongue. My poor tongue is not having a good run at the moment. Its still sore 45 min after the intense pain.

I'm in ER, it didn't take long for me to be seen, not a suprise given the time. Doctor Im seeing seems good, very thorough. My tongue is swollen and it's been rubbing against my teeth at the back and getting bitten so there is now open sores along the sides at the back and this is the source of pain. Nothing said about cracks like the nurse last night said. The doctor is investigating my medications to see if tongue swelling is a side affect, basically looking into the Glossitis like I was hoping to get my GP to soon. I think he is going to investigate the cause of the Glossitis and treatment options until he gets an answer. He's gone through all my meds and he is chatting to head of ER but sounds like another antibiotic swap or addition. He's a bit odd almost slow but I think it's more him considering all options. He seems to understand what I'm saying where others haven't, its not like I have to explain myself over and over. Which is nice. He's looked at recent history too, Ive been here and another hospital recently, what gaps there are he is happy for me to fill in, which can be rare. Doctors tend to want to know more than the patient. He decided that there would be no additional or changes antibiotics. They are getting me to dissolve asprin in water and gargle to help promote healing, Ive got teething gel to help with the pain. Im to discuss things further with my GP about the glossitis, its gone higher up the priority ladder now.

One thing that was pointed out was that my tongue was dry, having diabeties may be the cause of this, however I could be dehydrated, which I would be suprised by. But I said to Dad about it and he again carried on that what I drink would dehydrate me and that water is what I need to be drinking. Interestingly, I have been drinking more water than I have before, but he doesnt really drink any. Other than that I drink Powerade, Gatorade, iced coffice, grape soda and juice, that said juice does seem to spike my blood sugar level, still within tolerance but higher than before.

I went back to bed for a bit and again I woke up in extraordinary pain. I must have dosed off because it happened again a few minutes later. This is getting old really fast. Its not as if I dont have really bad sleep issues already. I want to clean up some of the mess in my room, there is medication packets laying aroud all over the shop. Its gonna hurt to do, thats for sure. It did hurt, pain killer time which was kinda why I did it when I did.

Ill fill in what Ive been up to this afternoon after Ive have a nap. I was pretty tired and then I went and too my pain meds early, the extra ones that Im taking double of at the moment. So while its within my allowance Ive taken what is a lot of pain meds for me, more than Ive taken since I started the regular daily stuff. It also means I have to go 12 hours without pain medication

What Ive been up to is organising a medical file for myself. Firstly, I want to track my blood sugar level, particularly in relation to what Im eating and drinking. I should be monitoring my blood pressure, which I havent been so I added that, while Im monitoring my blood pressure I might as well monitor my tempreture, especially given Ive had/have an ongoing infection. Im monitoring my toilet behaviour mainly so I can monitor if Im consitpated. I added my sleep so that I can get some definative timings around how much sleep Im getting and then I can look at my averages etc. Im monitoring when and what medication Ive had and what food/fluid Ive consumed. I added an issue section to add in when things go wrong, basically if anything happens thats out of the ordinary, like my tongue problem, I will record it, even if I dont do anything about it. If I have a headache or anything Ill add it here, its not neccessarily about following up on every little thing but with everything going on, its helpful to have a record of things that might be relevant at a later date. I figure this and all the other stuff is important to have recorded because my memory is pretty crap.

I decided to add to this a tab for each issue being treated, the idea being that I will keep a record of what treatment, investigations, issues and updates there are for each issue so I know whats happened in the past and where things are at. Its all well and good to have it recorded at the doctors office, but I dont have access to that, particularly if Im at a specialist etc.

I slept on and off all day again and Ive kinda been wrapt up in the whole creating the above so I havent had showered today, which now bugs me. Its 1:30am, Mum has been asleep most the day, so Im gonna pop down and see if her lights on and and if so Ill have a shower shortly, if not Im not sure what Ill do. My shoulder is really bad tonight, really painful, my forearm and hand are numb. In the past 24 hours I managed 6.6hrs sleep over 6 times in bed, I also drank 5.1ltrs of fluids. I can see that that the recordings are gonig to be helpful, maybe not all of it but I think part of the reason Im doing it is because I feel so out of control with my health and this gives me some sense of contol over things, like I have some say in whats happening maybe.

[ClockFace]

I got a few hours sleep this morning. When I got up I went into town briefly. I feel kinda off, Im tired but I just dont feel right. Im going ot have a shower after I put my shopping away. Im might have a nap first Im not sure. My legs and arms are really, really heavy and sore, my back is pretty sore too.  I had a shower, Mum was awake so we had a chat, I ended going to bed after the shower. I slept for a bit over 3 hours, the longest Ive slept in a really long time. My left arm and shoulder are really painful, my hand and forearm are numb. I was hoping to speak to my GP on Tuesday about my shoulder but the glossitis and cellulitis are going to be the priority.

When I had the shower today I was able to see the area that is infected in the mirror, it doesnt look as angry as it did but a real concern is that it appears to be travelling to the left. My scrotum is really itchy, more than it was before all this, so Im a bit concerned about it travelling down south. I just went and checked things and its a lot less red/pink than it was when I saw it earlier today. Im gonna have to keep an eye on it of course. Im hoping to avoid having to go back to ER etc again. Id really rather my GP was the one looking after me, just in general. I trust her and she knows all the shit I have going on, including my mental health issues so I feel safer with her around, though I do know that in the grand scheme of things she can only help in her office, not for everything.

My legs are still really sore and heavy, Im having to reduce the amount of painkillers Im taking or I will run out before I see my GP. Im looking at doing an Advanced care directive but as a DNR. Ive been thinking about it  for a few days now. Im going to talk to Dad about it but in the near furture, once I can figure a way to print it out. I might go into the library and do it there as I can print it out there with little issue. I cant do it on my tablet, though I should try it on my phone.

Its a weird thing but Im pretty happy, I have managed to wear jocks today and its not a horrible experience. By about 7 that was over. They were so tight and so uncomfortable.

When I went down and realised that it looked as if the infection was travelling I showed Mum to get her opinion, Im looking at it in a mirror so its a bit harder than seeing it first hand. Mum looked at it and then I started walking away and she said for the 3rd time in as many days that we need to do something about my weight. This has started just after I said that I looked in the mirror and I realised how big I am and it was a huge issue for me. Her being big herself you would think there would be some understanding but no, that the time she kicks the boot in.

My sister has another meeting happening this week, everyone is supposed to attend, but I didnt contribute last time. More than that, I have enough on at the moment, its not that I dont care but Im not really keeping my head above water and it dont need more appointments to deal with and another persons issues. She wont understand but Im not coming.

So I finished the medical records thing Ive been working on, I have recorded information on all my illnesses and I have like a medical chart where Im recording when I go to the loo, my sleep, vitals (Temp, BP, HR, BSL, Pain, Weight), Fluid intake and food, Medication taken and issues. I do my vitals every 2 hours or so, though Im checking my Temp more often if its high or low at any time to be careful. I do get that it seems a bit overkill but my way of figuring I have a things going wrong left right and centre, I think this is a good idea, atleast for now but I might keep it going a while because the BSL is worthwhile doing and might as well do the rest while Im at it.

I got a decent sleep today, 3 and a quarter hours, the longest Ive slept for in ages. Its nearly 1:30am and Im aiming at bed shortly. Ive been really hungry lately, today more so than normal. Though now I feel about a million pounds. Im hoping that I get another decent sleep.

[ClockFace]

I got 2 hours sleep and woke up at 4am. When I woke up, I was really confused and I ended up getting ou of the wrong side of bed and even then I wasnt sure what was going on for a second.

Ive woken up in a fair bit of pain, my backs really sore. The swelling etc thats happening is making my back and shoulder flare up heaps and my pain killers arent really keeping up with it. Thats not to mention the pain in my arms and legs from the swellin. That said, I have had to reduce what Im taking so I can make them last until I see my GP in like 36 hours. I am going to talk to the doctor Im seeing today and see if they can do anything They wont be able to prescribe my pain killers, there are only 2 doctors there that will be able to. But I am hoping that they can help and/or organise one of the doctors to help.

The pain in my legs is bad, my feet really bad. I dont know what to do with myself. Ive taken some pain killers and kinda just waiting for that them to kick in so I can go back to bed, am kinda thinking of going back to bed regardless.

I got another 90min sleep before waking up again really frustrated. I think it was probably the pain, along with all the shit going on that had me frustrated, not to mention I just wanted to sleep. I got up and my sisters little black groodle came running flat stick at my door as soon as he heard it opening, it was really cute. I sorta took my time, did my obs etc, took meds and got going. I keep going from hot to cold and vice versa. I started with the whole crappy feeling in my head pretty early on today, which is really frustrating.

Dad has just got up and he got a msg from Mum about what he needs to do about my sister getting ADHD testing, eventhough as an inpatient she cant get it done. This sorta started Dad off again, moaning and complaining about Mum and all the shit she and my sister goes on about. He says he is going to stop and then the next sentence is on about it all again. Our conversations are like this almost exclusively now days, it surrounds my sister and/or my my Mum and her call it what it is, stupidity. It would really be helpful if Mum could pull her head in and just listen to people other than herself and my sister and if she doesnt like something then you make the phone call and winge, dont demand other people make a fool of themselves. Leading up to going to bed, my Dad was on about this shit and the moment he woke up it was on about it again. I get he needs to talk about things but maybe Im not the right person to talk to, Im not in a stable enough position mentally to deal with it and regardless of my indications of this he still continues.

We again got onto the whole thing of my sister and her treatment, Dad has no idea about illnesses, he doesnt know OCD is or ADHD, that they are different illnesses etc. and trying to explain it he just wont listen, it is too much for him. He really is of the opinion that if its bad for you or your wallet you should just stop. the concept of a mental illness and how it affects a person, particularily in relation to doing things you shouldnt, even if you know you shouldnt he either doesnt get or dismisses. It would certainly be my opinion that he dismisses, its easier to believe someone is weak willed, doing it willfully, or out of spite than to believe that there is something not right with a persons brain and their decision making ability.

However that said, my sisters dog needs to be desexed, which has now fallen on Dad to pay for, which turns out to be around $1000 and can be done Wednesday. My sister however, has gone and bought yet another bag, seriously I have no idea how many bags that girl needs. She could of put that money towards the dog being desexed.

Im so extraordinarily done with my Mum. I went down to have a shower and she had rung Dad, who is on the edge today and went on about swapping Mishka and Jessie around so Jessie was with her. Dad hung up on her, I said that Mishka is staying where she is, we dont want puppies, she cant deal with them, which she is convinced she can but as I said do other shit and prove you can do stuff. Not said, but stop making grand plans, saying you can do it with no evidence that you can do it or anything like it. In the end I had a crack at her and said that no one but you wants puppies.

My sister has an appointment today and she has invited Mum along, its at the same time as my Doctors appointment so thats taken a bit to organise, because its been left last minute. I then said that maybe we need to really start looking at another car, Im aware that it is me who is going to be left holding the bag for that, not an ideal situation but Dad wont buy a car thats not really for him, even if it helps the family for now, when he can palm that cost over to me. Mum said no to the car, I asked why and she wouldnt give an answer, I pressed and got told she is sick of spending her money for things like that, ie cars for me, eventhough I have repaid everyone, if it wasnt for my sister and her issues this year, I wouldnt owe my parents anything, if I did it would be for medical costs alone. From that, I take away that my Mum is sick of helping me. My sister can steal $50k or more that she cant pay back, she can take money from Mum and Dad again that she cant pay back but another $5k for a loan for a car to help the family out, thats basically for me, but thats out of the question. Lending money to your son that he has continually repaid, no thats a no go. The entertaining thing is I dont feel the need to say any of that to my Mum because I dont think she will care that I feel that way. That said, Dad wont either, he wont go to Mum and tell her how much she has hurt me, yet again.

Im now stuck with the fun time of driving Mum to my sisters thing before my appointment, primarily because her and Dad have fought so she wont go with him.

Seriously, apparently my life hasnt been hard enough, Im not sick enough, I havent bowed down to her demands enough, I dont know, I do know that whatever it is it's clear Im that I am just not enough for her, I have obviously pushed the financial aid from Mum and Dad. The house is more important, renovating it that is. The other side of that is that she has to make up the money that my sister stole somehow. Its probably got a fair bit to do with my sisters perception that I get more than her, that I am luckier than her and Mum has a compulsion to make sure my sisters perceptions are minimised and not justified. As a long standing thing, I dont feel and havent for a long time that I am anywhere near enough for my Dad and while Ive never really given it any thought, Id have to say Im not for my sister. In general Im just not enough.

Drove Mum to where my sister will be and it was all about my sister the whole way there. It's the only topic she talks about now days. Unless she is bad mouthing Dad. But talking about me, let's not be silly, how dare I consider or question that I should need support. True to form Mum is only interested in making sure my sister is ok and supported. Like always Im abandoned for the sake of my sister, worse still im pushed to the front lines and im expected to support her at my own expense.

I went and saw the GP. She had a look at everything and sent me to ER. She was looking at sending me to the city but that would make me a long distance from home so I wasn't keen on that. GP is concerned about blood poisoning and even said that the city hospital has hyperbolic chamber which might be needed, that seems a bit crazy. Im really very over all this. My left shoulder hurts like crazy, its really painful. As ive said I think it's the swelling and then it goes away and comes back again which is making things flare, same with my back. In general im in a fair bit of pain and I'm at a loss as to how to deal/cope. Im sitting quietly but Im kinda losing it pain wise. All they can give me is Painkillers which isn't going to do a thing. Im really tired I need a nap again. They did my obs and asked my pain score I said 9 for my shoulders, 8 for the rest of me. Im so seriously sick of being in pain. Life shouldn't be this painful all the time.

The pain hasnt really settled a huge amount, its been 2 hours since I took it I can take more in another 2 hours, I didnt really expect that things would settle on the first lot because of how long the gap was between doses. Its really hard to convey how much pain Im in normally, let alone currently. Typically, Im in pain in my back, at a minimum my lower back hurts but regularly my thorasic hurts like hell too. The pain from my back radiates through out my body, my legs especially. When I do shopping or similar the pain in the lower back gets incredibly painful to the point that moving is agonising and I have no choice but to sit down. If I dont, Ill just collasp. My shoulder is a kinda new issue, its been a couple months, Ive done cortizon with no benefit, I have had more pressing issues to attend to than my shoulder. It hurts a lot, heaps but until the last couple days it was managable. Now its so painful, breathing hurts cause it moves my arm. I get headaches so often because my neck is screwed. They have managed to get the migranes under control with medication. Now I can add all my joints ache like crazy, my hands especially. My arms hurt, my legs throb and my feet, they hurt like nothing else. Everything swells randomly and I bloat on and off too. I feel sick pretty much all the time, like I have gastro without the runs. But most of the time Im the opposite Im constipated or I move my bowels just not that much, not enough to stop being constipated. My whole existance is brutally painful, like I dont get a break, even with the pain meds Im on, all of them, I dont get a break from the pain Im in, it just lessens and then its about keeping it that way, its not all medication. Its a range of methods, things to avoid etc.

For shits and giggles I go to bed thinking I will get to go to sleep but no, that would be at least nice. No I lay down and next thing Im spasming, my buggered arm is spasming and contorting so bad that I cant move at all all I can do is scream profanities. I got up when it was clear they werent going to stop. I rang the hospital and spoke to a nurse about if they set up hospital at home, then I said about the spasms and all they said was I can come back in. That was like 1/2 an hour ago and I havent had a call back as promised, second person who said they would call back about it and let me know. I have a cannular in my hand and Im supposed to be having IV antibiotics, Im also supposed to be the sick person, it would be nice if some bastard would realise that and actually try to treat me. Im going to give up in a moment and drive in. Seriously I want to sleep and I need some help to do that.

[ClockFace]

So after ringing the hospital and being told someone would call back and no one did, and at the same time telling me to come in about the spasms, I went in and eventually was seen. I ended up beingtold that I could take some extra of my normal meds for it but there was nothing else happening. Then the doc decided to chat with me a bit, when I got there I was pretty frustrated. It was the 4th ER visit in 2 weeks, the amount of time and money I spend at doctors, it got to me and I said the the triage nurse that I was at the end of my rope, that must have triggered something to do with suicide.

Im not suicidal today, not really. Im frustrated beyond what Ive ever been before. I must have really been in pain etc when I got home, when I went to bed I left a heap of things running that would normally be hidden, like not just normally but I dont think Ive ever not hidden, not closed it when I went to bed etc.

I cant believe how frustrated I am at the moment, it doesnt really calm down. I wake up frustrated and I go to bed frustrated and I dont know what to do about it. I try  to keep calm, to not react to shit, just to stay calm and level headed, but that in itself is difficult and frustrating. Trying to stay calm, trying not to completely lose it,  when all you want to do is blow your top completely. Before I am dealing with my own shit I have Dad carrying on about Mum did this, didnt do that. Mum this, Mum that. Same thing regarding my sister. For a ling time I thought being there for Dad to vent to talk about stuff was the right thing to do. I get upset that no one is there to support me, so I should be there to support him as I can. The thing is we have talked and talked and Ive given him ideas and thoughts. Both my sister and I have said to him about what he should do but more often than not he doesnt want the fight. We talk about a second car, Mum said no. Dad says its his money and he should be able to do as he wants with it etc but at the same time he wont buy another car because he doesnt want the fight that comes along with it. The fact that she doesnt leave the house much, anything she

Staying awake is a real issue today, its really unusual for me lately. 3-5 hours is the norm and then today, I keep falling asleep every chance I get. Im waiting for the nurse to come do her thing and then I can go to bed for a few hours. The nurse came and Ive been hooked up to a baxter bottle IV for the next few days, so no driving etc

What doesnt make sense to me is that I see the GP and she is worried enough to send me directly to ER, with being transferred to the primary state hospital in mind, talking about the infection getting into the blood and if I go to the primary state hospital they have a hyprebolic chamber just in case, which makes me think things arent good at all. I get to ER and the doctor I see there is saying stuff about me having a staph infection as well and potentially MRSA. Then the doctor I said the second time I go to ER says that the cellulitis isnt that bad. Try living with this shit. Now, I have a Baxter bottle attached to me for 24hr IV antibiotics that are three times the strength of what I was on last week. So,  the idea that its not that bad doesnt seem to track in my head, if it wasnt that bad, why would I be getting treated for a worse infection, have doctors being concerned about potential consequences and other infections, serious infections. I feel terrible, alot of which is to do with the shit they have going down my veins. Which Im taking happily because I want the shit from the illness needs to go away and Im concerned that I will get sicker. I have no idea where this doctor got off.

My legs are rock solid and its happened since I started this IV, I looked online and swelling is a side affect of it. So I rang the hospital and they way it IV shouldnt cause this issue. WTF, like Im not ringing with solid legs, in incredible pain regardless of the pain killers I take for shits and giggles.

So I just got home from ER for the 5th time in 2 weeks. The new antibiotic are the same as the ones from last week but 3x the strength but being so strong they hit me kinda hard and my whole body just went really hard, my legs are the worst. I ended up in so much pain, it was incredible the amount of pain I was in. I ended up having chest pain and was short of breath but it wasnt a heart attack, it was my body swelling etc.  The doctor I saw initially completely focused on the possability of a minor heart attack (his words), and all but ignored my legs and body. My stomach was hard, and he never once examined it. He said that he can tell the legs are hard but the rest of me was subjective, one, I know my body enough to tell you that its harder than normal, two, its pretty simple to be able to tell if someone stomach seems to havea similar feel of a brick rather than more stomach like. In any case you should examine someone where they are saying that there is an issue. He decided that it was all about my legs and that about 4 hours after starting the stronger anti-biotics that my lymphatic system had been pushed over the edge and it was retaining fluid, but now it was over board, it was all about my fat. This doctor saw my weight and fixated on it and ignored the fact of the medication being started a few hours earlier it would be logical that it would be the first thing to consider but he completely wrote it off for something in my mind is pretty far fetched. Not only that, not only did he ignore what was right in front of his face he provided no pain relief even though  I was in agony. I was then left for ages on my own with a student nurse who couldnt answer a thing. I was left in pain, even after asking for something to help. I had taken my normal pain killers at home but it isnt touching the sides. I told the doctor it feels like my body was trying to get out of my skin. Eventually the pain subsided on its own, somewhat. The general body pain had gone but my legs still ache like you wouldnt believe, I did have a period of my time there where my legs and back were spasming, which made things hurt even more. The spasming has stopped and Im home but my legs seriously hurt, the good thing about being home is I can give myself pain relief. At some point I have to try and get some sleep again. I slept well over night last night but since then not so much.

The other thing that happened while I was in hospital, that was ignored, I kept catching myself, talking to myself. It was always 1/2 way through a conversation so I dont know how long I was rabbitting on about bullshit before I realised I was dribbling shit. I told the nurse, which was reallu embarrassing but nothinng was said or done about it. The more I think about it the more Im freaking out, I dont want to end up having conversations with myself on the regular. I know its wrong to think this way and a massive generalisation but I have visions of myself sitting or walking in circles mumbling to myself and having full on conversations in public and it scares the shit out of me. Ive had the talking to myself thing at home, mainly at night or when people arent around but this was in public, I dont know if people heard me, I dont know what I was talking about and its really freaking me out.

[jazz]

hey there @ClockFace sounds like that would have been scary for you. I wonder if others can relate, i'm sure some would in some ways as it can often happen with medications and bad sleep and even extreme stress. hopefully you get some rest tonight, and keep reaching out if you need. stay safe and take care