So over it

[ClockFace]

It dawned on me to call Rural and remote to discuss this, they took some details and are writing it up for the mental health team to call me and aim to get me in to an appointment with telemed for a psychiatrist to have a chat with me as urgently as possible, they are aiming within a week, though I dont see that happening. In the mean time Im still trying to get into a new psychiatist with Psych2U. I sent a very stongly worded email to them today as its been way too long since I have heard from them.

Im really struggling with all the medical and mental health issues as Ive said before, going into ER last night really ticked me off, even before the doctor dealt with me the way he did, I was pretty angry. It was overshadowed by the pain etc and once that settled enough, the anger took over and I was doing everything I can to leave. Then when I got home, after Dad had gone to bed, I followed up regarding  the talking to myself and that might be an issue.

I seriously dont know how much more I can take in relation to sicknesses, its not just one after the other, Im not even dealing with one, before the next arrives. I have a list that I keep of issues to discuss with my GP and as I have time I prioritise what I need to address, truth be told most of it is a priority that needs to  be discussed pretty urgently, I  just dont get the time to do it in the sessions I can make with my GP, that said I restrict myself to 1 session a week in general. There is an element that I am sick of being sick, but more so, Im sick of having so many illnesses to deal with and keeping on adding to it. I feel like my doctor is going to get frustrated with me or think Im a hypochondriac or something. I feel like at some point she is going to be like, enough is enough and I wont be allowed to have any new sicknesses etc.

The things that are wrong are all pretty average stuff, like even my cancer I have is one of the most treatable cancer, one of the more expensive ones, but very treatable. So, I come home and say I have such and such and its like, not a huge deal but when you have a pile of them and more being added regularly it adds up. Its pretty stressful not knowing when or what is going to go wrong next, just that it is.

My legs are still really sore, they are better than last night but the pain there is translating to really intense pain with my back, its triggering my spinal issues. Ive taken my normal extra pain medication, Im trying to lower how much Im taking pain meds wise. My butt is really sore, I think its from sitting down as much as I am, but we need to check that its not cellulitis or something. I just walked down to my Mum's ensuite, OMG the pain is intense in my lower back.

I got a few hours sleep over night, I woke up at at 4 or 5am but since then I have just dozed, generally without my concent at all. I keep waking up having written gibberish or I have just repeated the same digit(s) over and over. I wake having missed large sections of the show I am watching often with no idea whats going on/where I am.

If I can find the time today Im planning on ringing SANE to have a chat about everything thats going on. I could do with talking things through with someone though I dont know if I will have sufficient time to go through everything with them.

Dad had organised for Termimesh to come out today, which was fine but yesterday they organised to take my sister to another facility to have a tour and potentially refer her there, though the wait is like 3 months. Anyhow the Termimesh guy is here and Im waiting for the nurse so I am hopeful the two dont collide. But the blasted dogs will not shut up, Im so close to wrapping its head in gaffa tape and thats the nice thought Im having. The guy needed to do my Mums area, which we have one of the male dogs locked up in because he is being a bit aggressive with the other male dog as one the female is on heat. So I have 3 dogs outside barking, 1 dog carrying on inside, I have a poor Termimesh guy trying to do his job and Im hardly able to help because of the pain Im in when I walk.

I kinda just realised the way things are going Im not really stopping much today, the way things are going I have Termimesh guy, Nurse will come after that, probably not that long after. Then I have the nutritionist and then outback and country health, so its one thing after another until like 3:30/4pm. Im not sure what the termimesh guy is up to but Im keen for him to be finished and bugger off. Hes been here an hour and he is just about to do the roof, hopefully thats not a long job.

I was using my medical chart for a couple days, then the cellulitis spread and I went onto IVand it became really hard to keep up with. I want to get back into it, its important, it important that I keep up with it. Im starting to find it hard to stay awake again, like my eyes keep shuting and losing focus. I fell asleep with the Termimesh guy still here. My legs arent so sore and its a bit easier to walk which is nice.

The nurse came and as she got here she was told Ive been discharged because I went to ER last night and they didnt readmit. A bit of messing about and they treated me regardless and are sorting it out in the background. Im too sick not to treat. They not happy with my local ER and have recommended I go elsewhere in the future. The nurse who saw me today has seen me before, she isnt sure why but I look really grey to her. I dont feel great, I mean I have cellulitis so Im not well, Im on a medication I only just tolerate. I might have MRSA so you know all up Im not well and Im feeling it, its just showing on my face more than normal. I just looked in the mirror and I really do look like shit.

I had a couple of calls and my dietition appointment Im really struggling to stay awake. I just want to do this appointment at 3 an it be over with for the day so I can go to bed. I just got off the phone to the hospital at home poeple, the nurse is saying that my time on IV is going to be extended to 5 days.

I went to bed for a while, I slept for like 3hrs. When I got out of bed I struggled to wake up for quite a while, so I went and had a shower. After the shower I set Mum straight about the potential for having had a heart attack. I got her to feel my stomach and she said it was fluid, which I knew, how can my Mum and I both know that its fluid and yet the doctors cant work it out.

Ive taken my painkillers and night meds so Im going to go to sleep for a bit shortly. Dad has been at my biscuits which sucks.

Im on IV antibiotics using a Baxter bottle thing, it means Im not in hospital for the antibiotics which Im happy about because the idea of being in hospital for any reason Im not keen on. I prefer this hospital at home thing despite its quirks. I am struggling with the whole continually being sick thing, one sickness after another. Now Im literally tied to my illness, not only do I feel unwell, am I in pain but there is an external visualisation, a bright, shinning beacon of my sickness. If I were to forget for a second, Im reminded quickly. I have to carry it wherever I go, so often limited to 1 hand. It makes getting things like tea out of microwave complicated. It would be worse being in hospital, Im able to be pretty self reliant and get around on my own. The only hassle being I cant drive, it wouldnt be safe.

shopping has been getting increasingly painful, its impossible now so Im looking into home delivery. I think Im gonna go down that track going forward.

[ClockFace]

I woke up after a short time in bed, Im really tired but I cant stay asleep. My legs hurt, my back hurts and my shoulder and arm really hurts. So on top of my normal difficulties, I have that to contend with. Sleep is not easy at the moment.

Eating and drinking has become an issue, my stomach is hard, really hard and I just can't stomach much. Yet I have to eat for my meds.

I went and laid down but the switch off didn't happen, then the nurse rang and Im up again, the doctor I'd apparently ringing soon so I might as well stay up. Im in bad shape, I fell really lousy, really sore and really tired. Not that I need it but the IV bottle attached to my arm is a persistent reminder how sick I am. I get that its important but it is really inconvienient, you basically lose a hand while you're on it. Go anywhere and you have to carry it or put it in your pocket, but if I do my pants fall down so carry it is. Its attached to you while you sleep so I feel more I dunno aware of it and cautious of my movements while asleep meaning if I sleep it's lighter. I know its my cure but it's like being tethered to a constant reminder of all my medical issues not just the cellulitis.

I just got off the phone with the nursing agency because my nurse hasn't showed up. Turns out they had me scheduled every second day not daily. After some time I finally have a team leader looking into it. Im waiting to hear from them or just have a nurse turn up. Im hoping for some notification. The IV has finished, amazingly I feel heap better, I hurt far less. I've yanked out the IV.

A few days ago I spoke to Dad about needing to borrow some money for more medical costs and a bit for me, I asked and he agreed to transfer some money that night. Next thing he is winging that the black card is overdrawn, I ask if he transferred  the money and he says no. I asked if he could transfer the money so I could do shopping. Hours later he finally does it.

Its 4:30pm and still I dont have a nurse organised. My home hospital is trying to sort it out now. Its 5pm and still nothing, Im incredibly frustrated. Just got told someone will be here at 7pm. Which meant that I had a couple hours free before she comes. So I organised a few things in preparation for not being able to drive for three days. Its clear that Dad has an issue helping pick stuff up for me from the shops while I cant. Hell, I said I was going into town and he came up with, I thought you cant drive and I had to point out that I had no bottle attached. I have just got a call from the nurse saying she will be here at 7:30. It would be nice if they could just damn well get here, Id like some sleep at some point.

The pain in my legs has come back, as has the pain in my back but that said I was an hour late of pain meds, I compleltly forgot, which is really unusual. The nurse came, she got through things quickly, I dont blame her, she just drove for an hour to get her instead of going home. She took her photo's but unlike others she showed me the pics and I tell you what, the area on my thigh towards my back, it looks terrible, like seriously not good.

[ClockFace]

I woke up at 12:45am and felt really sick, like I was going to throw up. I went about things gingerly for a while and then it was gone. A little while later I had some tea and now I feel fine. Next thing I looked up and an hour is missing, I must have fallen asleep but I dont remember being anywhere near that drowsy.

I went to bed around 5:30 and woke up at 5:30 Im tired still though. But thats pretty normal though, that Im tired, Im always somewhat tired, give a few minutes Id be asleep almost anytime of the day.

Im gaining and losing fluid a fair bit at the moment. I put on 3kg worth in 2 days but lost 800g overnight, Im still 5.3kg heavier than my base.

7/10 - 159kg

16/10 - 161.9kg

19/10 - 165kg

20/10 - 164.3kg

When I spoke to the nurse last night she was talking about IV Diuretics might need to be added. I wonder how much of that plays into not being able to sleep and the tiredness.

Right under where I sit on the back/inside of my legs are lump/boil things, making sitting pretty painful. The apron area feels really swollen, actually all around the genital area feels swollen, like they are being swollowed up. The swelling is causing my back and shoulder to flare up.

Ive had 2hrs sleep again, a few hours sleep a night is all Im getting at the moment. My mouth is dryer that normal, my tongue feels like sandpaper, I have a headache. Not at all keen on the idea of eating at all.

Im not sure whats going on, Dads up and down in Mums room at like 7:30am which is really unusual. He just brought one dog down and took another up, he didnt seem happy at all.

The concept that I am actually pretty unwell and that on top of that the medication they have me on makes me feel worse, its like it fills in the gaps where I dont feel unwell from the cellulitis, the treatment makes me feel like shit and then some. The swelling is really frustrating, Im uncomfortable, irritable and it hurts quite a lot. The amount that Im swollen varies a fair bit and so the amount it hurts does too, the rest basically is just getting worse. The cellulitis (or whatever is going on) is currently between my legs on the left side and towards the back, so that when I sit down I feel like Im sitting on it. The doctor just rang and they seem less interested in the cellulitis, more that I might be in heart failure or something wrong with my kidney's. So I have some blood tests today and a chest x-ray to see if there is fluid on my lungs. The cellulitis has made way for the boils, the doctor yesterday has realised the severity of them and started making steps to see that someone looks into them as a serious urgency. The people doing blood tests are coming out shortly, I havent heard about the xray yet, but someone will come and collect me and bring me home. The issue with the operation site is that there is another boil coming up. Something burst a moment ago, Im not sure which boil burst but it was a fair bit of juice. They have put me on fluid restrictions of 2ltrs a day, this is gonna be really hard but ill try.

I went back to bed and crashed out for a couple hours. Id have phone calls and Id wake up and fall back asleep at the end with no issue. Im awake and still exhusted, as soon as possible, as soon as it makes sense Ill be taking the sleeping tablets and going to bed.

My sister is back from hospital and it didnt take long for her to ask where I was going when I got up from the kitchen to go to the bathroom. When I came back I said to her that I cant deal with it, I have asked her not to before. I told her if she continues I wont be answering, Ive tried in the past but got no where, this is going to be more the answer.

Im really struggling with staying awake, I keep falling asleep, Im waiting for someone to come fix my IV and for Coles to come with my delivery. Once Coles have come, Ill be looking for bed as soon after that as i can.

I know my sister has just got home from a mental health facility and that she wanted to go into a hotel for another 2 weeks and that she is looking at a long term admission, but that doesnt mean that she is going to get away with treating me like crap, as my issues are second class, that the things she does that irritate me or make it hard for me dont matter. Im not going to do well with the attitide, the constant bullshit. If she winges to Mum about stuff, Mum can have her only childs back as much as she wants Im going to have my own back and be sticking up for myself or continuing to do as I believe is right, not what Mum wants me to cave in on because its easy for my sister.

The whole Mum & my sister thing has me pretty bitter, I try not to get bitter about things but I am with this at the moment, I hope the bitterness is short lived but that doesnt mean I will allow them a place other than that which I am giving them now. They have worked together, Mum has my sisters back, she makes sure what my sister desires or thinks is "right" she gets, Mum makes sure she gets everything she may be entitled too or think she is entitled to. My sister takes it all on board, she buys in on all of it, at no point does my sister call out my Mum or vice versa and say its inappropriate or unfair, even when pointed out neither change or try to make any amends to the way they treat me. As such, I dont feel any obligation to do much at all for them, to be blunt they have bailed on me, Im not bailing on them, you cant bail on people who have already bailed you. When someone has bailed on you and still expects of you, you are being used.

The nurse came out and put a line in a bit above my elbow, the way its been done is brilliant, Ive never had it in that place before and I really like it there. It might be my favourite place for an IV ever, far better than my hand. I hate it just below/in my elbow. It is pretty sad that I have a favorite way of having a cannular.

I took the sleeping tablet and got exactly the same sleep as I did before, it didnt do a thing which really irritated me. I was so looking forward to having a decent sleep and I got the exactly the same thing as normal really is a let down. Even more so, I woke up to my sister trying to sleep on the floor in the lounge because she couldnt sleep in her bed, for very complicate and ridiculous reasons. Her first night home and she has made reasons not to be able to sleep in her bed again. Im up now, so sleeping in the lounge is probably not going to happen for her, so I have no idea what she is going to do, I have pointed it out, but apparently she has had her medications and shes not tired, but if she tries to blame me or imply I stopped her I will be setting the record straight.

[ClockFace]

Seriously, my sister is laying down on the lounge room floor with the dogs climbing all over her and shit trying to sleep because she doesnt want to sleep in her bed in case the dogs make a mess of the stuff on her floor. Leave the dogs outside your room, shut the door and go to bed.

I went looking for the micropore that the nurse left for me so I can manage the line from my cannula to the baxter and it wasnt where it was left. I look over my sisters side and she had nicked it, seriously, its for my issue, for me, Im actually sick and getting treated, leave my shit alone. She just got over going bonkers at my Dad for taking her meds down to Mum without asking her and its fine for her.

It kinda weird how I can feel the fluid increasing, I can feel it with my shirt, I dont fit into it but I just feel increasingly tight. I find it odd that I go up and down a fair bit. Im noticing it more, again weirdly, drinking less.

Ive been trying to use a pro-biotic but its in the fridge and I keep forgetting, I was looking at an online store I use occassionally (and should use more). I looked there originally to help with my dry mouth, its bad enough that I was thinking of asking for medication to create fake saliva, if I didnt have such bad dry mouth I wouldnt drink as much, which would help me lose weight. Which is why I went to this site, their range is massive. I actually came across gummies that clean your teeth, which might be my answer to not brushing my teeth. It adds up quick but its gonna be worthwhile if it works.

Im getting close to bed, Im due for more pain relief in 1/2 an hour so Ill wait it out until then and head to bed and see if I get some sleep. Im in a fair bit of pain and Im really uncomfortable.

I went back to bed for an hour and a half, it wasnt good sleep. I had nightmares and dreams none of which was pleasent. I woke up feeling quite horrible, like a let down balloon. My chest feel odd, I have a cough like Im trying to get air, My back and shoulder are really sore, the shoulder pain is extending down my arm into my hand.. I kinda feel like I have a sore mouth/throat. I might not have had my CPAP mask on correctly. Im really not feeling well in general today. I have quite a large boil on the inside of my thigh, Im going to talk to the doctor today about having it drained, its really painful and when I sit down I sit on it. I realised that I have pitting oedema on the base of my stomach last night.

I dont want to play this game today, at all. Im defintately over being attached to a bottle 24hrs a day. Im sick of feeling like Im trying to breath with an elephant on my chest. The boil on the inside of my thigh is pretty huge, I just got a few crappy photos of it, in a place I cant see, but from what I can make out its a decent size, it looks as if it has a head too, so it should be able to be drained. Thats kinda pushing me towards the edge today, Im so sick of the damn boils. Its only x-rays, but it yet another scan, Ive had so many recently. I just put on some fresh clothes and they are tight as hell, makes me feel fatter and more self-concious than normal. Having the bottle attached to me makes me feel self-concious enough, like everyone will be looking at me. Ive had bugger all sleep again, even with sleeping tablets on board.

I got the time of my taxi wrong by an hour, which really isnt like me to not keep up with appointment times etc. I really dont feel on top of it today. Im sick of hearing how sore my sister is, how this she is, how that she is. She said earlier about how she is on heaps of tablets. Mum says the same sorta shit, last night she wanted my sisters medication so she could go to bed, my sister cant be left with her meds unsupervisied. Instead of getting up and getting them from her, because she wasnt going to bring them to her, so they argued, until Mum found out I was still awake. Then it was up to me to deal with it, something I have asked not to be involved in. The reason being Mum didnt feel well, she felt sick and hot. Again, seriously, I have a bottle attached to me, I think I win on the feeling sick thing but Im dealing with shit for my sister for stuff I dont want anything to do with. My sisters shit, she has nothing on me, I get that she is going to complain because its whats hard for her, its the continual complaining and its the fact I cant complain or even mention how unwell I am. Im not doing well today, Im beyond exhusted and its really showing today, I cant seem to reign myself in. Im not being rude but my sister is aware Im not happy, I am projecting it with no effort on my part. I dunno, Im sitting with an IV in my arm, waiting for a taxi to come collect me to take me for a chest x-ray in case I have fluid on my lungs, Im actually in hospital, Im just at home. Im not sleeping, which my sister has proof of now, etc. etc. maybe, like with Dad winging to me, you should consider your audience, I might just not be the right person to talk to about some stuff at the moment.

I also might not be the person to expect anything from, let along anything extra. Stop expecting me to act like I did before all this. Stop talking to me like Im ok, like my mental state is sound enough to be there for people to unload onto. How do you not get that Im not in a position to take on that responcibility. I dont just have Dad doing, I have Mum doing it and now my sister is home so I expect Ill hear crap from her. On the flip side of it no one wants to hear it from me.

After the nurse had been I went to bed, the doctor rang, she extended the length of my antibiotics and she is organising for an ultrasound of the boil if there is fluid then they drain under ultrasound. But at earliest that wont be until Monday. I was woken up by a nurse doing their check but then went pretty much straight back to sleep. I slept for 3 hours but after waking up its taking me ages actually wake up. Part of me thought about going back to bed but I want to try and sleep over night. I went to the loo when I woke up and realised all the swelling around my thighs and apron had reduced a massive amount. My stomach feels like its back to normal, like its sitting the way it should be. Even the pitting oedema that was there has gone. I just weighed myself and in 14hrs i dropped 2.5kg. Im still swollen and Im sore but a lot less so than I have been.

Im struggling with all the loud noises, any noise really that interupts me, not so much what Im watching, just me. I really find the banging and clanging hard to cope with, Dad is so aggressive when it comes to moving stuff about, puting things down etc. I dont know what it is, Im not a gentle person but he is so rough. He has just dished up his dinner and it was just mayhem, so much noise, my sister does the same thing and its like she wasnt even in the kitchen.

My left shoulder is so painful, my whole arm is causing me pain. Its definately something Ill have to discuss with my GP when I see her next. When the doctor rang today, I think I dozed off. Thats happening heaps. I melted some of my keyboard today cause I fell asleep while having a smoke. The doctor was saying that sleeping meds are rarely given now, but at what point do they step in significantly.

Im going to go down and have a shower in a minute, more so to sit and have hot water run over me for a while. I sat in the shower for a while, the challange is drying off with a baxter plugged into your upper arm. But to sit with the water running over you is worth the trade off.

Im really not doing well with all this today, Ive been having a hard time of it for past couple days but today is really hard, more so this afternoon. Today was supposed to be it, last dose and then Id be atleast able to go in and out of town on my own again. Its not like a massive inconvienence, its not like its some major issue. Again, its lots of little and medium sized things that are constantly ganging up on me. Seriously, Im sitting with a freaking bottle hooked to my arm, this is my 5th bottle and apparently I still looked a bit grey this morning.

The boil burst on its own, its left a bit of a hole in my leg but its much more pleasant to sit down now, I wont need the ultrasound now, so Im hoping that they decide that I wont need to be on the IV for another couple days. Maybe they will do tomorrow and thats it. Id like that, though I dont want to pull the plug early and end up with it again, again.

Earlier today Dad said about my sisters medication and I said that it was something for him and Mum to deal with, I didnt want anything to do with it. Before my sister went into hospital Mum had to take over because I wasnt doing it good enough. Now, I am pretty sick, I am also struggling to manage my own medication for myself, I shouldnt be left responsible for someone elses as well. Even more so at the moment as the difficulty Im having today with my illnesses etc is really not great. He then comes back just before he goes to bed and asks if Im all good with her medications. I firmly had a go saying that I had told him it was between him and Mum. Next thing its Mum asking for me to deal with it again tonight and she will look after it from tomorrow, which I dont believe, she will keep pushing it out. Any which way I cant deal with it today, it needs to go back to Mum dealing with it like she was before hospital. It needs to not involve me, seriously, I need to not be trying to look after my sister on top of dealing with my own shit at the moment. Dad is shedding responcibility for everything he can, he gets in trouble for something and now he wont do that thing again at all, especially if its something he didnt want to do or be involved in, in the first place.

[ClockFace]

Im pretty keen to take out my IV an stop and refuse further treatment, Im so over it. I supposed to be monitoring in going and out going fluids but my depression hit me hard and I just couldnt do it. The intensity of my depression over the past day or so is not soemthing Ive had much experience contending with and I have limited experience doing so. Ive got my first psychologist appointment on Tuesday with my new psychologist, Id like to speak about whats going on with this medical stuff but I dare say it will be getting her head around my world.

Before I went to bed last night I went to the loo, there was a bit of crap still inside the boil which I pushed out and cleaned up, it was just dark brown, crap coming out. I had a couple hours sleep, Ive woken up and sat down, there is a bit of pain when sitting again, Im assuming there is a collection again. Ive woken feeling pretty uncomfortable and it a bit of pain, particularly my shoulder. I was really hoping for more sleep tonight than a couple hours, I need to get some actual, real, decent sleep. I keep falling asleep doing regular stuff, showering, writing, etc. I melted keys on my keyboard yesterday because during the middle of the day I fell asleep getting sorted for a nap, the night before I picked up a drink and promptly fell asleep before I drank any, spilling it over my keyboard. God, Im pretty sure when the doctor called today, I fell asleep more than once while she was on the phone to me. Its not just micro naps anymore, Im losing decent chuncks of time. If they cant look at sleep medication, there has to be something more immediate they can do to improve things.

Its the same as my shoulder, the pain there and the discomfort doing pretty much anything with that arm is becoming a major issue, but so is finding the time for my doctor and I to actually discuss everything there is to discuss. Im going to lose so much of the next appointment to the last fortnight I imagine.

I just went to the loo and felt the area of the boil, there is another one near by which is causing part of the pain, the boil thats burst feels like it has left a decent sized crater so I imagine that would cause some pain. My feet are really sore, they are throbbing in pain, especially the heel and the ridge near the toes. Its heaps worse when I walk. Im a bit more swollen again than I was when I went to bed, my stomach feels a bit distorted.

My tongue has been giving me a really hard time again, it doesnt feel so swollen but it hurts a lot at the moment. It feel so incredibly dry, like I have been sucking on something super absorbant and no matter what I do I cant seem to hydrate it. Im using a numbing agent quite a bit to settle it, often it more about the top of my tongue now that the sides.

I just realised I have another boil on my apron, its really sensitive. Its just another thing to add to the list of issues. My back is pretty sore, the thorasic, like just below my neck is really sore, though Im due for some pain killers, I might double up this time. My head feels like sore and I dunno, weird, its heavy, when Im sitting Im not great but I dont feel great when Im upright and walking. Its like Ive missed my medication but I havent, I cant decide if I should ring about it and let them know, I probably should, but I dnt want to deal with more shit, like Im sick of being unwell and if I dont tell anyone then they wont want to look into it and therefore, Im not that sick. I know its not the right thought, my medication isnt due for 3 more hours, I dont think its that.

I ended up ringing and got a lovely nurse who made sure I was really aware of what we were doing. Explaining to her that I only sleep 2 hours a night was a challenge. I finally got through to her whats going on, maybe its not the pain meds causing the issue, maybe there is something else. Im not gonna be happy if there is yet another freaking problem to deal with. She is going to orgnaise for a review early morning when they come in, I said I didnt want to go into hospital, which I dont. I dont want to deal with the local ER, I dont want to go wait for hours at the main city ER and I dont want to wake my Dad or my sister at 6am when they are both exhusted to take me, especially when it could all be little to do with nothing. If I have a doctor/nurse looks at me and says I need hospital then Ill go, Ill try and see if I can get into the hospital running this program. I wish I could descibe the feeling I am getting in my head, like kinda light headed mixed with dizzy doesnt seem to translate for medical professionals. Given that the boil has exploded etc I would normally be in bugger all pain, but its still really sore which is odd.

There has been lots of photos of my thighs, inner thighs, back of thighs etc lately, some of which I have seen and what I have seen is really disgusting. My skin is horrible, like its not great in most places but in that area, and around my apron area is just scarring, pot marks, acne and boils. Its shit, I knew it wasnt good but its worse than I imagined and just reinforced the idea that I couldnt have a partner. I mean anything sexual is out of the question, even if I was willing to expose that area to a partner, there is no way I can imagine any girl would subject themselves to that area of my body without being repulsed.

The thing I dont like the most about the my home hospital thing is that there is no consistency in who is looking after you. I dont think that at any point I have seen the same doctor more than once, so there is no ability for you to build a relationship, they cant learn about how you deal with things, your other issues you deal with, you as a person. Each time you talk to them its going though everything you have done before, time and time again. I miss my GP, I feel so much safer with her, she puts my mind at ease. I am starting to think though I need someone that can oversea everthing a bit more that doesnt have a book full of appointments. Someone I can spend like an hour or so talking through issues issues etc and pursuing issues as one problem not a bunch of individual issues. I think there is some cross over thats being missed. My GP is great, but Im just another sick person, I need someone to take me on as a project almost, be interested enough to go beyond whats to be expected, what they get paid for and really sus out and work out what is wrong. Im not saying my GP doesnt but there is only so much that can be achieved in a 15min appointment, or even a long appointment.

I have another boil thats come up where the original cellulitis was, its pretty painful. I have a  few around the place, but some hurt more than others. The boil on my apron was causing me a lot of discomfort and squeezing it would make it pop, a pin assisted in that though not ideal. I cleaned it up with hand sanitiser. Im waiting on the doctor to call still, Im really hopeful they do soon. I just got a phone call, I thought it was a doctor but it was a nurse and they were getting more information for the doctor. So now Im back to waiting on the doctor to call again. Ive spoken to the doctor and need to do photos, clean up and bandage the burst boil but the other stuff, the feeling Ive been having is a side affect of the very high dose antibiotics Im on, they are really pounding the cellulitis. I had the option to stop now or continue, as much as I really dont like the baxter or the feeling Im having but I decided to stick with it as long as I can, Id rather a couple more days of shit like this than yet another round of cellulitus.

I went and had a lay down, the dizzy, light headed stuff has sorta passed I still dont feel right though, I feel really out of sorts though, I feel like its such an effort to think and pay attention. The nurse came, she cleaned up the boil and put a dressing on it. But she couldnt do my baxter because no one had sent any out so I have a clinical nurse coming out to do that now. They should be here anytime. Been and gone.

I went back to bed for a couple hours after the nurse left and got some sleep. Ive woken up just feeling worse than I did before, my stomach is really sore. My back is incredibly painful, Ive taken some more pain relife so hopefully that helps.

When I got out of bed my sister yelled to me to be careful, as I came around the corner I saw why, 1/2 the hallway is full of her crap again, so again we have to put up with that shit. I really dont want to, screw her doing her room again, for the I dont know how many times. Clean the freaking lounge, stop making a mess of every part of the house.

I asked Dad to get me some smokes and Iced coffee for me, I was supposed to finish all this today, so I was going to go and get some more myself but its been extended so I cant. Mum and my sister also asked for somkes, given my sister is in the shops now I cant see why she couldnt get her own. Anyhow, turns out it was easier that Dad use the account where he has put money for me to use to pay for all of them, instead of two seperate transactions and I can get the money off them. So now I have to try and get the money they now owe to me off them, which is never an easy feat. My account is overdrawn so they will pay me and put my account back in order but Im effectively losing $100 because he couldnt swipe his card twice. If he had done this to my sister, all hell would break lose, but to me Mum will grump that that will be about it.

There is so little support when it comes to me, I find ways to not need to rely on them for as much as possible. Dad cant even buy a stuff over two payments, Mum cant come find me and make sure Im ok or even text to make sure Im ok, she would know Im not doing well by now. My sister is ok with me and making sure Im ok, so long as none of what Ive got going on impacts her. Tomorrow is my Neurosurgeon, I was going to go and see him, but I am going to call and make it a phone call appointment. Im not keen on a long trip I dont feel well enough for that. Added to that, it would mean that I would need Dad to take me and that would be an issue, he would do it, but like he does with my Mum and my sister, he would complain about it behind my back, knowing that Im just not interested in providing another reason for him to winge amount things I do, dont do or help and support I need.

I really dont know when they he will understand that I am actually really not well, same with the rest of them, but Dad in particular at the moment, like just stop trying to put the difficulties of my sister and Mum on to me. I dont want anything to do with my sisters medication, I dont think I need to be chasing up them to pay me back because you used the money Ive borrowed to pay for their smokes, because you dont want to be out of pocket for them but you dont have the balls to get the money back yourself. Your such a child, your such an arsehole that you make it your sick childs problem and keep trying to do so.

I had a bit more sleep and woke up much worse, Im getting the weird feeling in my head almost all the time, including when I am sitting down. Its nearly time for my night meds so see how I feel after Ive had them. Im going to try and change my appointment tomorrow to being over the phone, if I cant Im going to have to put it off, which Im not keen on.

Heres the thing that really gets under my skin with Dad, he asks semi-regularly if Im ok, like he checks in, but when you tell him that your not or the issue(s) Im having he tells me to stop it. So, why would you ask if Im ok to only disregard and dismiss my answer, how I feel and given that Im sick all the fn time, Im constantly in pain, he is effectively dismissing me and Im quite sick of it. Its not like I can go and speak to either Mum or sister about it. They are just as shitty as him, they just do it in different ways.

Ive stopped swelling which is great, I have a little pitting oedema in my legs but nothing on what Ive had. My legs and feet still ache but not too bad. Ive been struggling with number 2s lately, today its been like a heap easier to go. Its nice but given Ive become really unwell all the sudden I wonder if this has something to do with that.

Im going to see Mum briefly and then I think Ill go back to bed again.

[ClockFace]

I was sitting typing and next thing I know I was asleep, this happened a few times and my sister kept waking me up. I eventually went to bed. The annoying thing with this is there is little warning, Im awake and then its like the batteries are yanked out.

I woke up and within a short period of time the feeling that Im getting in my head intensified. Im still pushing at it, really hard, I want to give in but Im really keen not to have another round of cellulitis. But I am really struggling with the feeling in my head, I nearly fell over twice just going to the toilet. Im gonna go back to bed shortly get some more sleep and see how I feel when I wake up.

I went and laid down for about an hour, the way I was feeling in the head has almost passed, its a lot less intense. Im going to have my medication early, I think that will help, especially some pain medications. I still feel kinda horrible but I can walk in a straight line now.

While I was laying down I must have fallen asleep briefly and I did something and half the bandaging around my arm came down and nearly ripped out the cannular. Fortunately, I was able to prevent that happening, though I dont know if too much came out before I stopped and fixed it.

Ive been thinking about the whole religion stuff, it was a church day for Dad. I dont want to stop him going to church, influence his beliefs at all. I grew up in the church. I have held a number of leadership and senior leadership positions at different times and different churches. The thing about prayer that I kinda noticed or have the understanding of is what it has sorta become. There are a number of things its become, but one thing is praying for the health and wellbeing of oneself and loved ones. There isnt anything wrong with this, but its when it stops there that my problem arises. The attitude of prayers and hugs, Ive spoke to God or my version of a deity and requested on your behalf that things improve. Ive done my bit, in all humility I post this for the world to see or just having the self satisfaction that you prayed, what more can be expected of you. The later is where I feel, and I could be wrong, but I do feel, this is where Dad falls into. He would pray for each one of us, for our health etc. I imagine there would be the addition of the things he wants for us, like give up smoking, lose weight etc. From there his job is basically done, when things arent easy, dont go his way he's confused. He gets hung up on not knowing what to do. Ive spoken to him and given him advice as best I see it, same with a few psychologists, his friends, etc. I appreciate he doesnt want to divorce, he doesnt want to leave Mum completely, as much for my sister and my sake as anything, though we are in our 40's we are both significantly disabled and rely on him for the roof over our head etc.  Its not a fair situation on anyone. But the point of it is, there is a fair bit that Dad could do, I agree he is in a tough situation and what he would have to do would be hard, it would be pretty painful and it would impact the whole family, I should say that Im referring to my Mum here. Mum will make anything my Dad would do into something more and as difficult as possible, it would definately impact the health and mental wellbeing of everyone in the family. Dad would mess some stuff up and Mum would latch onto this and miss the overall big picture. I see that happen often enough, Ill talk to her about stuff, give her some examples (normally because she cant understand what your on about otherwise), but if there is even a little bit off about any one of the examples she will sieze upon that little tiny detail and completely miss or ignore what is being said. She does it so she can feel that she has been wronged by you and therefore what you are saying isnt relevant or you dont have a right to say what you are saying. Dad lets her get away with it, he doesnt want anymore fighting. Me I call her out, I dont let her get away with that bullshit. Thats the huge thing for Dad, he doesnt want the fight, he doesnt think there should be one at all, I dont think its that its all that what he is saying makes sense or is logical because its not always the case, he just wants people to do as they are told, by him.

I found an app under the ICE - In case of emergency type ones that is really comprehensive, some great features and a reasonable subscription price, so I am slowly setting that up. I dont think it will replace my file completely but it will certainly be a great addition. Its gonna take me a while to get it set up tho.

Holy shit today has been full on and lots of freaking phone calls. I have been dealing with a reaction to the antibiotics I was on and eventually I had to come off them I was unwell but I was having a weird feeling in my head and eventually I fell over in the toilet but being a small room I was able to stay upright. Since then they have decided to try me on another antibiotic for three days, I made 5 hours and the headaches, joint pain, shakyness, light headedness and dizzy spells became too much. Also my asthma had worsened and I can only consider that to be due to the anitbiotic as well. I got a few hours where I felt almost normal today, between waach antibiotic.

They have organised an ultrasound tomorrow of the boil and there is a potential that there will be surgery associated with that to drain the boil. Im going to be stuck in an ambulance for like 45 min either way, Im really not looking forward to that.

I also spoke to my Neurosurgeon and Im having steroid injections into my spine early next month. Hopefully that will reduce the pain Im in.

There was a lot of phone calls inbetween trying to sort things. I dont know if or when the hospitals going to ring but Im going to have tea  soon, take my night meds and go to bed for a while. Im really tired, I feel like shit and Im so sick of all this shit.

Thats the other really fun thing when all this is over I have to do decontamination process when, which doesnt excite me in the slightest.

[ClockFace]

I think Ive missed some stuff recently, Ill try and catch shit up.

So Ive been discharged from hospital, they took me off all antibiotics because they decided that they were being more detrimental than benefitial. Its thought that they were treating the symptoms more than they were treating the actual issue. But that is the question, so they are trying to get me into a dermatologist and a infectious disease team to try and work out the underlying issue.

Ive been off the antibiotics now for a day or so now and Im starting to feel really aweful. I have had issues with going to the loo for ages, whats been happening is really hard and heavy. Ive been taking 2 coloxyl, twice a day and today I took some san pelligreno to move things along. Now, all the sudden I have massive diarrhoea. I have a headache, Im cold with the heater on, Im nausiated. My blood pressure shot up earlier 184/105 but has come down now. In general I feel lousy, but all this is to be expected I suppose. They were treating the symptoms but now they arent treating anything now so I suppose Im going to start feeling like crap again. Im not really sure what I supposed to do about it best I figure its a suffer in your jocks situation. The apron, thigh, groin area is all swollen again, Im back to having to sit with my legs spread as wide as possible or its just like trying to hold a basket ball between my legs. My tempreture is moving around a bit, it just hit 38.1. I feel so bloated and so damn uncomfortable, Im a big bloke, adding some more stretch to me is not pleasant.

I saw a GP today, I had a few things to sort out, one thing that I needed to discuss that I just havent been getting to with my normal GP. My left shoulder has been really painful, it doesnt seem to matter what I do I end up irritating something with it. Ive had cortizone injected into it already, they know there is bursitis, an impinged nerve and ligiment damage. So Ive been referred to a orthapedic surgeon to investigate further and look at potential surgical options. I got in really quickly, like in just over a week. When I had the cortizone injection there was no relief from the cortizone or the local, so the GP is concerned that the diagnosis is wrong. So there might be more tests and scans for that. You would think with all the scans Ive had, it would be scanned enough already. Im really starting to think that they should select a series of scans that will highlight like 80-90% of issues or potential issues and do them and then deal with the issues that arise and hopefully I would then get everything out the way when Im not unwell yet and hopefully I can just get all the bullshit out the way.

Ive been trying to get new psychiatrist and psychologist, I sent out a bunch of emails to online psych places and Ive been getting rejected all day. I keep getting told that they dont have people qualified enough to work with me. Call to mind responded and very kindly had their clinical director review my email and they have recommended I work with community mental health and organise a comprehensive case management, what ever that is. I couldnt believe it, I cant be simple when it comes to medical stuff, now my mental health cant just be treated normally either.

I keep a reasonably close eye on my obs, they have been really out of wack this afternoon/evening. Ive had really high blood pressure, my BSL has been higher than Id expect based on what Ive consumed, though Im still learning that and my body tempreture has been much warmer than typical.

I went back to bed and got a few hours sleep. Ive woken a bit after 4 am with one hell of a cough. I dont feel as bad as I did earlier but I dont feel great. I have a cough and Im bringing shit up, I have bit of a head ache and Im really achy all over. Im still tired despite all the sleep Ive had lately.

Seriously this isnt fun. The entertaining thing is that with all the antibiotics my immune system is a bit more vunerable as I understand it, so Im likely to catch colds and shit easily.

I have a really uncomfortable stomach, amoungst other things, a short time ago though the uncomfortable became really painful, I buckled over in pain, I was walking around trying to reduce the pain, I though maybe I needed the loo but nothing. It went away on its own in the end but that was really painful. My sister was sitting across from me at the table and desite all my buckling over, walking etc. she didnt say a thing, until I went to the loo and she asked where I was going, which based on previoud conversations, I didnt answer, not to mention I was in a hurry and sticking around to deal with my sisters BS wasnt the answer. I know she was mucking around with her dog, because she made sure I was aware but she would notice that I was in pain and she ignored it.

She has really upped her, whatever it is, against me. Im sick as at the moment, I have had a lot of procedures and surgeries and some more to come. I am in and out of hospital and ER a fair bit. Now as a kicker, even my mental health needs a special kinda psychiatrist through a special kinda system. She has been in hospital about her mental health, oddly she goes on about having to be in for 5 weeks, when over the last 2 weeks they have been desperately trying to get her to leave. Now she is trying to get into another place which is potentially up to a year. She has been diagnosed with ADHD now, but she keeps going on about how she is so unwell she needs a year of treatment but as Ive called her out on it. Its not treating the illness at this place, its learning to live with it/them. Learning to exist in her world where she has all these issues and how to cope with them and get the most out of life despite them. Its not treatment, its learning to change so that she has the best life possible. Now, she has 3 surgeries likely to happen in the next little while, which are all kinda somewhat out of the blue. Like Ive heard bits and pieces about the bursa in her hip but all the sudden its an urgent thing. Shes not limping, shes moving furniture, crawling under desks, like I haven seen any restrictions on her life as a result of the pain. Im trying not to be judgemental, Im sure she is in pain etc, it just seems that the timing is all pretty convienient. She just got out of hospital and now she is trying to find ways to go back in, again saying to the surgeons that she will need more time in hospital than typical for that procedure. Like overnight surgery she now needs to be in for 3 or more days so she is pretty independant when she gets home. I dont know, Im all behind her needing surgery if she needs it and Im not saying she doesnt. But it just feels like Im facing pretty intense medical and psychological issues and there doesnt seem to be an end in sight. On the flip side she has been in hospital, they have spent a couple weeks telling her she can leave, they bent over backwards to find her somewhere to go and from my understanding,  I could be wrong, she wouldnt be considered a priority. The hospital she was in was of the opinion she should just be able to go home, as was the hospital before that. I had a brief psychotic episode, a month in hospital, medication and I was treated as an outpatient, in fact I was moved into a new house, given no support, left to my own devices. Mum would say she wouldnt come around because she was to scared that she would find me dead blah blah blah. Now my sister has been diagnosed with ADHD etc. and needs to learn to deal with it and there is all this carry on. Now its like she has this competitive streak going where Im sick, so she has to prove that she is sicker than me, that she should be getting the attention I might get. Which is pretty stupid because I am getting basically no attention from anyone. Hell, If I talk to my Mum about whats going on, it will eventually turn around to a discussion about my sister and how hard she has it. Im never going to have my parents attention, she is always going to be their primary focus, Ive accepted that. She has it in her head though that she doesnt get enough attention or support from everyone, that she has no one continually up her ass making sure her every whim is being attended too. I dont know if its that I dont need the attention or support, shit it would be nice, even for it to just be offered but I dont get it so I have learnt to deal with my shit on my own, additionally, Ive gotten used to her pulling the attention away from me to herself or just that I dont need the attention because Im full of shit, Ive never been actually sick or as sick as I or every doctor says, Im certainly not as sick as she is. What it is that ticks me off is that I basically deal with my medical/mental issues, pretty much all issues, on my own, with no support etc. If I get support it will only be in they way of a loan or a ride and she takes issue with both, Dad gives me all the money and her none, this is said when Dad wont buy her a $400 desk, because she likes the look of it, its solid wood. She wont pay him back but the money I borrow I will have to. Then there is taking me and picking me up 1/2  the time she wants stuff picked up for her on his way there or back. I dont expect any real support etc from any of them, but the tiny little bit I do get it would be awesome if she just left that alone and stopped trying to steal that from me as well.

I just had a shower, I checked my apron and the cellulitis has come back, its not overly angry just yet but well on it way to being. I told Mum and she showed some concern, Dad sorta nodded his head, my sister didnt even acknowledge I had spoken to her. She seems to have the shits up with me for some reason, its nice and quite. Before I left for the cardiologist I had a couple of jobs to do, I had allowed enough time to do these things and was leaving early to do them. My sister tries to get me to go to the shops for her. I get out of that and Dad lumps my Mums medications on me, he knows Ive got an appointment this evening but doesnt deal with my Mums meds and I have to, so that 10 minute job becomes 25 minutes. I race off to get a parcel which has some medical stuff in it, I then race to my appointment and get there just in time.

I went and saw the cardiologist hes not massively concerned, I see him regularly to have my heart checked, Mum has a heart issue which is hereditry that my sister and I have to be monitored for. I show signs of the begining stages of it but its nothing serious last time we checked. Anyhow, he isnt concerned in a big way because anything going on would be very early stages. I have to have an angiogram and monitor my heart rate and rythem for a bit and see if looks like Im in AF again, also my heart rate has gone up quite a bit normally its in the 70's now its around the 100 BPM mark.

I got these lollie things that came today, they are supposed clean your teeth which I thought was a good idea for me given the difficulty I have with actually brush my teeth. I figured it was worth having a go at and it was better than nothing. I told Dad that they were not lollies, they arent for him to eat. He wanted to know what they are, I explained and he rolled his eyes such a tiny thing and he couldnt be positive about it. I just read a bit more into them and they are supposed to be really good for dry mouth, something I am tring to fight at the moment

Im again finding it really hard to cope with all the medical stuff, Im so sick of seeing doctors and specialists, having scans and tests. Being sick is one thing, I use the term sick to encompass anything where I dont feel how I should, like pretty much everyone, I dont enjoy being sick. But needing to see doctors and/or specialists, have tests and/or scans, then treatment, medication etc that makes you feel sick inother ways or stops you doing normal activities. Its really frustrating that I have to essentially pay to be sick and then again to get better, all the while I feel like shit. If its just a singular issue, its diagnosed and treated then life goes on, thats one thing but month after month of issue after issue and issue on top of issue, its too much for me to deal with. Its not like the issues are even straight forward, a simple doctors appointment, maybe a blood test and we know whats happening and how to treat. They all seem to be multiple appointments, tests and scans for us to still be confused as to whats going on, let alone how to treat it. I mean a month of antibiotics and they stop them with no actual diagnosis or even treatment plan going forward. I have to see more specialist and hope they have an idea whats wrong and how to treat it, in the mean time I get to feel like shit because while the antibiotics werent resolving the issue they were treating the symptoms, now I dont have the antibiotics treating the symptoms, I get to experience them instead. Though the antibiotics made me feel like crap, not having them is worse and its not the only issue Im facing. I feel completely overwhelmed by all the issues I have going on at the moment, all the appointments, all the tests and scans. Then I come home and I relay what is going on and Im told how my sister has had what they want me to have, how what they have said is wrong, how my sister has had it worse, how what I have isnt that bad etc. It is rare that I come home and tell them something and it is just accepted for what I tell them, they show some understanding or compassion. Its not that I mind that my sister has had something before me, but its treated that because she has had it that its no longer a big deal or of any real relevance. There is this attitude that my sister has been through all this stuff and done so without barely a complaint, so I should be able to handle it. Thing is, its not true, my sister complains about every little thing, most days she has the worlds worst something, like no one can understand how bad it is. Though she keeps on moving furniture and doing stuff around the house, she pushes through. I find it hard to believe that she can be as sick as she says, in as much pain as she says and still do 1/2 of what she does. I also find it hard to believe she can be in the pain she says and her GP not prescribe pain medication or make a way for her to receive regular pain medication if there is a concern about negative outcomes. I find it harder still that my sister can not tell me exactly why her GP stopped her pain medication, Im in a lot of pain, if my GP stopped my pain medication you can be assured that I would know the exact reason why and if I was still in pain and the reasoning wasnt good enough, Id be challenging it. I dont know why I am expected to just handle the emotional aspect of all this without having any issues. When it came to getting Mums mediation, I needed her ATM card to pay for it. I was down with her and my sister was as well. My sister had the card and I asked her to get it, she got up and I got out her way so she could leave the room and get it. Instead of just going and getting it, like I would expect, there was an issue as to what I was doing immediately right there and then. I said to her to just go get the card and she continued. She kept pushing and I started to melt down a bit, Mum then chimes in essentially telling me how pathetic I am. I dont understand why she has to challenge everything I do. She asks where Im going, when I just get up from my chair. I told her recently that Im no longer responding to her, I have told her to stop often enough. I have an issue at the moment that I get incredibly tired with little warning and Ill doze off at the table, my sister will take me and tell me to go to bed. Not nicely though, time and again she will wake me getting louder and more aggressive. On the flip side she sleeps at the fn table as often as not and its not that she just falls asleep, she settles in and puts her head down deliberatly to go to sleep. Im normally typing and wake to find garbage written across my screen. I tell her to stop and leave me alone and she doesnt. If I fall asleep at the table its normally not for long and I will eventually get my shit together and go to bed, in my time. The amount of comments made about my sleep is ridiculous, its all messed up, I cant sleep for long periods of time at a time, Im up and down day and night. I dont like it, I really dont like it. But I dont need her commenting on it because she has an issue with it, about something that has absoultly no bearing on her life at all. Me being asleep doesnt impact her at all. If I say about just about anything its challenged, Im never right about anything, I never understand what a doctor says to me, even when he/she clearly explains the ins and outs of it to me. If I have a bad day or dont do as she says, I dont help her with something, I have a go at her or voice my opinion about fn anything it gets back to Mum. Even stuff Im not doing, Im not helping enough but I can do this or that for myself, so that is an issue that goes to Mum. I wont get her whatever when Im struggling to do my own shit so thats an issue. Mum isnt much better, she sat telling me what happens during a procedure Im going to be having, all the ins and outs, even after I said that I know, Ive had the procedure before she continued. Ive had the procedure I dont know how many times, but Mum is the authority on everything heart related because she is in heart failure. All this and they dont even know whats wrong with me, I told Mum and my sister that I am seeing the orthapedic surgeon for my shoulder, an issue I have had scans and cortizone for, its been going on 6 months at least, but they had no idea and really needed some help jogging their memory when I told them. Though my sister has an issue that I cant keep up with her stuff anymore and Ive told her that. They know enough to know that Im not well, but I cant sit down and go through everything thats wrong, they arent available for that, so I dont. But they still judge me on my actions and inactions knowing they dont have all the information. Im not asking them for much I dont think, for the most part what I am really asking is that they dont add to the stress I am already under. If I am clearly struggling maybe back off, dont push until a freak out. They are doing the same thing to my Dad though difference is Dad does similar to me that they do to us.

It is probably coming across, but I am really frustrated. Being sick constantly, with basically no support but the opposite is just so hard to deal with. Always being compared to my sister and what she has been through but not getting anywhere near the support. Also, Im never as severe as her, we have both had cellulitis but my sisters was so much worse. Its no wonder my sister treats it like a competition. I dont just have cellulitis, I have a heap of other shit, if I remember rightly my sister had other things too at the time. So there is no way to compare one situation to another. Im not interested who was worse, I am looking at my situation and that is such that I cant cope with everything that Im dealing with, let alone the additional bullshit other people are lumping on me for no other reason than their own issues. If you are asked to go get something, dont argue about it and dont worry about what Im doing, just shut up and do your part. It would also be really nice when Mum sees me struggling, like physically I am not holding myself together, instead of taking aim at me, protect me and tell others to help or leave me alone. Mum jumping to my sisters defence while I am only just holding myself together and stopping myself from breaking down in tears. It really shouldnt be hard, I mean Ive told them, but a 5 second thought would give you a rough idea that very few people could manage everything I am facing and still be able to keep my composure.

[ClockFace]

I have been having some pain in my legs since I stopped taking the antibiotics, the pain has seriously intensified overnight as has the pain in my shoulder but I dont think thats anything to do with stopping the antibiotics. I just did my obs and my BSL was 8.4 considering Ive just woken up and Ive had a mouthful of ginger beer that seems really high. I have no idea what is up with my sisters damn dog but it has recently decided to start barking and carrying on randomly but it has also decided that my Mums female dog is fun to tick off. The female is on heat but whats going on is somewhat excessive. Anyhow, the female just had a go at him and I had to grab him, ofcourse with the arm with the buggered shoulder, which I can tell you has not improved the amount of pain Im in. Anyhow, I briefly considered ER, but the idea of going there again is really, incredibly unappealing. I have my GP today so Im hoping I can discuss it with her. Ive taken some pain killers so hopefully that will give me some relief. Its not fluid retention, there is like no swelling but they do feel pretty rock solid. In general I feel really pretty average, like I ache, everywhere that Im not in a heap of pain. Im having the ginger beer because it helps with my stomach, Im not nauseated so much as Im uncomfortable, its just unsettled. I dont have much of an appetite, Im not even really drinking a huge amount. I dont have diarrhoea but when Im going its just a thick liquid (sorry thats a bit gross). Between my upper thighs and lower stomach I feel like Ive blown up, like its all expanding marshmellow.

Ive rung HealthDirect to get some advise, they are having a GP call me back, I cant deal with the pain, I took the pain killers an hour ago and I dont think there has been any difference, if there has been its only that its got worse. The skin on my apron feels like its almost gooey and thin, the skin on my lower stomach feels thin too. It feels like Im walking on gel pads that just hurt like hell. My entire body feels wrong, Some stuff I can identify but for so much of it, I just dont feel right, like malaise. I feel so run down, overwhelminly without energy. I cant sit still, I keep moving and changing my seating because I just cant get comfortable.

The level of frustration I feel over the past few days is getting more intense. Im finding it really hard to control it. Even more so because my family, in particuar my sister, given how much she carries on how difficult her health experience has been. Like she supposedly knows what it feels like to go through what I am, so having experienced it treat me how you would have liked to have been. But know, as much as she can, she sticks the boot in.

I just got a call back from the doctor, he thinks Ive ruptured a disc in my back, that didnt excite me at all. As such I will wait to see my GP but Im going to ring and see if I can get in earlier. Ive got buldging discs in my back already, some of which I have no idea how I got, so I suppose its possible one of those has got worse or I have actually smashed one properly.

Ive been keeping an eye on the oximeter as well and that doesnt look great either, the wave form coming out of that keeps changing from what Ive seen it does look like AF. Im borrowing my Mums oximeter at the moment but will buy my own today, the one Im getting is from the same company the only difference being that it connects via bluetooth, Im hoping it will record the wave output. To add to it, one of the symptoms is breathlessness that so far no one can give me an answer as to why, well its a symptom of AF.

Im about to leave for my first appointment for the day. Im getting my eyes checked because out of the blue I am finding that I cant read small writing unless I take my glasses off, which isnt typical.

To say that this is pushing me over the edge is an understatement. When you add to this that it seems impossible for me to get a psychiatrist/psychologist, some form of support. I expected a phone call yesterday from community mental health and never got one so Ill be going there and I WILL be getting some answers today. I ended up not going there because of the pain Im in, I rang and of course there was no answer so I left a message. If I dont get a call back soonish Ill ring again.

While I was in town I made an appointment to see a GP. The GP is sorta across my case. End result is that the cellulitis in my apron and between my thighs has returned and has spread. Then there is the fluid retention, it doesnt look bad to me but they going to try and get rid of what they can and make sure. But there is thought I might have ruptured a disc and thats causing my pain in my legs. My inner thighs and apron are swollen. She has given me antibiotics, stronger pain relief and some diretics.

My eye test went well, though I need to start wearing reading glasses. I checked out my new oximeter and the readingis kinda all over the shop so I would say I am in AF or something.

I got home and told Mum and Dad, Mum was on about telling my GP telling the doctors at ER to send me to RAH, given that is up to the doctor once Im at ER but no Mum thinks my GP can make them do as she wants. Im in a real lot of pain, Im really in a lot of pain. Im over all this shit. But then she started with "Im sorry" which always means that she is going to say something about my weight, I nearly lost it but ended up shutting the door and leaving.

OMG the dogs are driving me around the bend, with the female in heat the puppy is just going bonkers, constantly, day and night, it is yapping and growling etc. Im not dealing well with it. I dont like the sound of a dog barking, high pitched is worse but just in general I dont like it, it gets under my skin. If its warning of an intruder or something like that its ok, if there is a purpose behind the barking then I get it. But once Im there stop. Im no different with people though, if your talking rubbish, talking for sake of talking, etc. then Id rather you shut up. That said, if you write that shit down, Ill likely read it, there is something about noise that can irritate me, particuarly noise carrying meaning/purpose. Oddly streaming media thats playing all the time next to me doesnt bother me as much, though badly dubbed shows do, which is a shame. Asian shows are the worst for it which is really crap, because they have some awesome shows but the dubbing is so bad it makes it unwatchable. Id rather watch it with subs but most dont provide them and if they still do then they have the crappy dubbing which just ruins it. I would like the original dialect and subs, but then again, I struggle to sit and just watch a show now, I have to be writing etc at the same time.

I had more pain killers about an hour and a half ago and finaly the pain has started to reduce. My legs are sore but a lot better than before the pain, even the pain in my stomach has settled. The swelling around the waist area has settled a bit. My headache is gone, though I did take my migrane medication to help there, so it could have been a migrane, Im not 100% sure. My heart rate has settled and blood pressure is a bit better, which is more likely the cause of the headache. As all this has happened I decided to have something to eat, it wasnt much but given Ive eaten a pizza thing from a bakery and a protein bar, so a bit of schnitty is probably a good idea.

I spoke to my normal GP today shes was concerned about DVT and PVD. So off for more scans. The letters/emails from My Home Hospital regarding the referral to dermatologist and infectious disease team havent come so we couldnt do the referrals to them. Its really annoying because its urgent I see them and they knew when I was seeing my GP next. They also had plenty of time to write those letters/emails. Im pretty ticked off as is my GP, she was going to follow up with them. She was less concerned about the cellulitis at this stage than the doctor this morning. I trust her opinion on this more than the other doctor as I think she is a bit overboard where as my GP is a little more level headed.

I rang to make the appointments for the scans, it was a bit after 4pm so I didnt have any hope it would be today/tomorrow but given it was DVT they got me in, in the city urgently. I went down and had the scans, no clots which is good. But, the pain was pretty intense after driving all that way but as part of the test they had to squeeze my legs and that was really painful. I then had to drive my ass home. By the time I got home I was in so much pain, I was so swollen. It took 2 lots of pain killers until I started getting any relief.

On the way down to the DVT scan I rang Mum to make sure someone knew I had run away. I told Dad but that doesnt mean much and it was just telling him I needed the car to go to the city. I was given enough time to basically get in the car and drive there. During the conversation I got told how everyone has been through this, that they "understand" what Im going through. The way it was delivered was so dismissive, like I shouldnt be having such an issue, its not like your the only one. I would say that things are a bit different, ever since my brief psychotic episode 12 years ago I have dealt with regular medical issues, Ive dealt with pain issues. Since the begining of the year, it has become an avalanche of issues, I have put issues aside to deal with more important issues, I cant remember anyone having so many issues that they had a running list where issues were recorded for review later when there was time. Like I litterally have issues that I am unable to bring up with my GP because I have other issues that were more severe. I only just got to doing something about my shoulder and that was because I went and saw a different GP, despite the pain I was/am in, I was putting it off. When others have gone through similar they also werent dealing with major mental health issue. In addition to that, they had support from someone, I dont. I also got told how all this needs to hurry up, they need to put me into hospital so I can be seen by the specialist sooner all because I need to get back to work. I did have a dig about the everyones been through it thing, but I really launched into it a bit with the work thing. I so dont care about work at the moment, I want to have a life back, I want to stop with the medical shit and have some money for non-medical stuff. She knows Im struggling with suicide and her main concern is that I get back to work. As I said to her, whats the point, go to work so I can pay for medical stuff, just so I can go to work, whats the point. She carried on like they have all been through that, that I just have to do it. My sister is on DSP and much of her sick period she was on DSP. Dad had one illness to deal with at a time as has Mum. Mum was on about having to have a way to earn money etc. like I dont have that way now, she was talking like I should somehow manage to push through whats going on and work regardless, so I can earn enough to pay for everything on my own. Its been made clear by them that me being on DSP is not an option, they cant afford for me to be on that, I wouldnt be able to afford to be on it but thats my call. By the end of the call I really felt worse, the whole idea of continuing was even more unappealing. I did get the reinforcement that I am very much on my own in this. Dad asked if I was ok at one point last night and I said I wasnt, that I felt real bad etc. His response was to go to bed. When I went to have a shower Mum said bugger all to me, I had told her during the day that I am close to ending it and she didnt say anything to me about that. It would be too much to be there in any capacity. I got in trouble with my sister because I didnt go int the chemist and get Mums medisas I said I would, I mean I was going from one thing to another. Not to mention how sick I am, how much pain Im in. Rather than bitching about not getting the meds, maybe someone could have helped and organise that, but ofcourse I didnt telll anyone about the meds (except Mum the night before) so I should have made sure someone got them. Everyone else can have days and weeks where the are not handling things and its up to eveyone else but just out of hospital, sick with something needing urgent attention but no one knows what, in agony blah blah blah, I should still just be able to be on top of everything. Not to mention the medication thing was Dad lumping it on me again, cause I was going in. For the remainder of the night and now the following day, my sister has an attitude with me and is barely speaking to me. Im actually really not well, etc and my family's response has been to put more shit on my table and to turn away from me as much as possible and leave me to deal with it on my own. Then they wonder why I have no time for them etc.

[ClockFace]

I had a decent sleep (for me) last night and got up and then went back to bed for a few more hours early morning. I got up at around 10:30 this morning. A couple hours later and Im again keen too go back to bed. I keep dozing off and Im finding it really hard to keep my eyes open, so I think Ill be back to bed in a moment. Again a couple more hours sleep, Im still a bit tired, not enough to sleep but Im just really flat, Im really worn out. I imagine that being sick is a big part of it but the amount of pain killers Im on is probably paying its part too.

Dad went in and organised the medication at the chemist, he got my script for pain meds back and he got it filled later when he went into town. But there was another medication I needed to pick up. He didnt pick anything up more up even though they offered it to him, which means that I will run out over the weekend. Ive emailed the owner of the pharmacy because its become so common they dont have my meds etc when Im due. They have a couple of pharmacies but Ive had some dealings with her, she has helped me out of a bind a couple times, even delivering medication to me. Ive been going there for years as well so I felt like I owed her an email explaination at least, Im going to change pharmacies. Im a bit sad because they have been good to me but there isnt much I can do, I need my medication supply to be reliable.

Reliability is a bit thing at the moment for me, about the only thing I feel is reliable is my family will say one thing to my face when Im talking to them about how Im feeling but the moment its inconvienient they will change tune and they will stick the boot in. I mean Im having a real rough time at the moment and My sister and Mum are withdrawing from me or just flatly mean.

I dont know what Mums problem is in particular about me potentially having surgery on my shoulder. Nothings certain at the moment, I havent even had a consult with the orthapedic surgeon yet. I wouldnt be suprised if it is surgery that I need but maybe its something else. Anyhow, the first thing from Mum was how she was concerned about how I was going to get around without the use of an arm. Next it was some other comment about it. Basically, it was how it would delay my return to work and I would need help at home for a few weeks. Ive already considered this and Ill be speaking to the surgeon about my options in this regard, like if there is somewhere I can go, a rehab place for a while until I can self manage because I know I wont get the help at home that I need. I cant put it on Dad, Mum wont help and my sister, she wont help be it her situation, her mood, shes done enough in the past etc. So, I dont see that I will be able to get any help at home. If they did say they would, I would become a problem for someone, Dad wouldnt be doing enough and leaving it all to my sister or my sister would actually go in to this facility. It would appear though that Mum can only point out the negatives and essentially seems to be of the opinion that I should just live with the pain. On the other hand, my sister has 3 surgeries lined up in the next little while and I havent heard a negative thing about that, Im sure my sister really, actually needs those surgeries not like mine which is completely optional.

Its a feeling I get so often, that my sisters surgeries and what not are needed but mine are all kinda optional, like I could just live with it. Even my issues with suicidal ideation, she knows how bad it is at the moment, Im not self harming, I havent made an attempt so I must not be that bad. She hasnt even talked to me about it, other than when I rang her yesterday and told her how I cant get help anywhere I look. I didnt bother to mention I cant get help at home either. Its not only that, every opportiunity she gets or creates she decides to attack or dismiss my issues, both physical and mental. Im struggling, Im having a hard time with my size, how I look, etc. so she has decided on a number of occassions to bring up how I really need to do something about it. Shes over weight, but losing weight because she is taking a diabetes medication off lable and she wants me to as well. I cant, Im diabetic and at some point I will need that medication to actually treat my condition, failing that I take it now and potentially shorten my life expectancy.

Going back to work has come up again, I thought we were past it. She wants me in hospital so I can see specialist quicker and for free so I can go back to work quicker. The thing is that unless something amazing happens with my back, I might not be able to go back to work. I certainly cant go back to work while I am having all these appointments, but really at the moment going back to work isnt my focus, I dont care anymore. I want to actually get better, not put all the stuff thats wrong with me to the side and keep going until my body just fails altogether. But it does show exactly that she is more interested in my ability to repay them the money I owe than my actual health. Kinda put me in my place, in my position in respect to my importance. My sister can do what she has done and not have to repay a cent because she is on DSP, I can guarentee it will be a different story if I end up on it.

I asked my sister for her medical history recently, I need it for my medical document for family history, its all I have left to do. My history is huge, its extensive, I doubt that my sisters is the same but it would let me know why on earth she cant actually work, what her issues actually are because I cant see how she can do the things she does and not be able to work, at least part time, if not full. How she can move heavy furniture on her own or with Dad, she can drive around shopping and picking up stuff for days and weeks at a time, move stuff and rearrange her bedroom constantly etc. Where as on the other hand, I cant do shit. She gets the most support and attention, she has the most external support etc. I cant even get a psychiatrist FFS. Im treated as if Im just lazy. No matter what I say, doctors say, specialist say, Im not in the pain I say, Im not sick like I say, its as if they are waiting for me to prove them right, that Ill trip up and do something I say I cant. There is nothing I can say or do to change their opinion.

I had more to say on this but I decided to go have a shower. I was in the shower and the hot water kept disappearing, after it happened a few times I asked if someone could ask my sister to stop mucking around with the hot water. I found out after she was washing her face, I have no idea why the hot water had to be used so many times to do that but I wasnt having a go, she didnt know I was having a shower. But that become a big deal. The next thing that is brought up is about my sister asking what I was doing all the time. Short story I got sick of it and telling her to stop, so I stopped responding and as it turns out she complained to my Mum about it. Mum completely sided with my sister, she even bought the line my sister fed her that the last time she asked it was because she thought I was going to make a drink and she was going to do it for me because I was in so much pain, my sister as far as I remember hasnt done this at least in recent memory. Also its walking to the fridge and back, so its not like she is doing me a huge favour. Ive told her that continually being asked what Im doing inside the house makes me feel more trapt and like I am supposed to be accountable to her for my actions.

I got kinda grumpy on this, Ive had her on about my weight, several times recently, treats me like I havent been dealing with medical issues for over 12 years, not to mention severe pain for 22. Its also like I am dealing with one or two issues not a multitude that is continually coming up with new shit. She talks, as does my sister, that my sister has been through this and worse so I should just be ok in dealing with it because I dunno. My sister did also have support from my Mum continually, who at the very least would and still does listen to her winge, I rarely get that and when I do, its got a healthy dose of judgement in it. My sister wasnt always the nicest to be around, still isnt, but I sounded frustrated when I asked about the hot water so that was an issue and even I felt likke I had to appologise for it, which I did. The fact that Im in pain, I feel horrible, Im tired, Im stressed and worried, no one knows why my legs hurt so much, why I keep swelling, why I feel so sick, I struggle to eat much and now drinking is problematic. Ive bought a few ginger based products to help with my stomach because anti-nausea medication and I dont mix because of other meds I take, Ive been trying to get a decent ongoing psychiatrist and I cant, I find out why follow the channel to get the help I need and they say they dont want to see me either. All that, I decide to have a cool shower because Im burning up and the hot water disappears so the shower goes ice cold making me jump up, it happens repeatedly and I got out of the shower, dried my legs so I didnt get too much water on the floor and then Mum goes ass over again and as gently as I can I ask that someone asks my sister to stop mucking around with the hot water, and I sounded a little frustrated and my sister is now upset and thats the focus, I have to make things right with my sister, who is winging to Mum via txt, who has tried to explain it away but from what I know and I know it would be the case, she didnt just say to my sister, cut him a break, you know what he is going through, he might have sounded a bit frustrated, shit I could have yelled and screamed and I think it would be understandable but I didnt. No, with everything on my plate, I had to go and make things right because of how it was delivered to her, not even how I even asked. I am frustrated, really frustrated and I think its understandable but here I am appologising because Im finding it so hard to cope with everything thats going on in my life.

Ive also had her on about me going back to work and constantly telling me what I should do when it comes to medical things. Like I should speak to my GP and have them call the ER and tell the doctor on call what to do when I come in. It doesnt work that way, the doctor at ER assesses and determines the course of action based on their observations etc not based on what a GP tells them to do. But, try and say that to Mum she wont hear it, added to that, its not what the GP wants to have happen, its what Mum wants to have happen. She wants me in hospital because I will see the specialists I need to see sooner and for free, meaning Ill be able to go back to work sooner. The fact that my mental state is the primary driving force behind my return to work. If any doctor felt that being hospitalised was the way to go, then they would have done it by now. I would assume its because nothing is life threatening (yet), I also expect that its going to be more than a visit or two, its going to need quite a bit of investigation because no one seems to have any ideas and hospital might not be the place for it.

The conversation around my sister asking me what I was doing continued, Mum was completely committed to batting for my sister, the idea that I might be justified having the feelings I am about the situation was completely foreign, if she did consider it she certainly gave no indication of that, the only thing she was considering is how my sister was justified in asking what I was doing and I should just tell her and she couldnt see any reason why I had any issue with it. In the end she says she doesnt want to talk about it anymore, she cant deal with another argument etc. which pissed me off. She can talk to my sister about how Dad and I upset her and everything else. Mum can invest so much time with my sister and her thoughts and feelings but 20min on mine is just to much to ask. Even more, most the time my sister and Mum agree on things, what my sister thinks and feels is ok and everyone else should accomodate them and not have an opposing feeling or thoughts, except Mum, she is allowed to. If I dont like something thats happening for my sister to help her or it interfers with my mental health then tough, find a way to be ok with it. Thats the problem Mum has talking to me, Im advocating for myself and not putting my sisters "needs" ahead of my own as I should be. Mum will talk to me about my issues if she can blame me for whats going on, highlight the things she wants addressed or it can be turned around to be about my sister and how I could help her. I got fairly shitty and said it wasnt worth it and walked out.

Thats the thing about the weight comments, I know Im fat, I know that it influences some of the things making me not well, a lot it has no bearing on, Ive said recently how I looked in the mirror and I was appalled by what I saw. Ive been making changes, a lot of what I drink is now no sugar, Ive reduced the iced coffee etc. Im actually putting effort into changing my diet etc. I also look much bigger than I am at the moment because I keep swelling significantly. So, a) you have no idea what I am doing to lose weight, there is no need to start because its already started b) Im swollen, Im uncomfortable maybe you could be a tiny bit sensitive to the situation and not keep pointing out that you disapprove of how I have turned out as a result of a range of reasons, some of which you have faced and caused the same outcome, just not as much. Something you have fought your entire life and know how it feels when people comment on your weight, to the point no one really does much. When they do you get the shits up too. So maybe you shouldnt expect any different when you keep bringing up my weight.

The fact Mum cant talk to me, I am too much for her to spend any real time talking to me just about my issues and actually take on board what Im saying really hurts. We were talking regulary for a while, a lot it was about random stuff, then it just turned to dumping on Dad and how bad my sister has it. But if it were to sit down and talk about my feelings, while it has happened it hasnt had any lasting effect. Mum goes back to acting and doing exactly what I have said has upset me in the past. Ever since I had the big discussion about how she makes me feel by what she does, how she acts and treats me, we havent talked like that again, nothings changed, in fact its worse. Now she knows exactly how hurtful it is what she does, how she acts etc and she is chosing to do it still, she is deliberately hurting me and she is upset and ignores me when I say anything remotely close to how she is upsetting me etc.

I told Mum that suicide is a serious concern for me at the moment. I havent told her about being with suicide prevention because there is a good chance it would get back to my sister. When I saw her next was after a shower, we would normally talk at this point, she didnt say a word, about what I had said or anything else for that matter. Apparently making sure Im ok, that Im not going to topple myself is too much for her. If my sister had said anything similar, Dad would have been spoken to, me too probably, but it was like nothing. Nothing was said when I was on the phone to her, nothing was said when I got after I got home and nothing has been said since.

After speaking to Mum and then sitting trying to collect myself, I went to Dad and said that I know he doesnt want to hear it and Mum doesnt want to hear it, but I need him to talk to talk to Mum and work something out. I said that I cant seem to get anyone to understand how on the edge I am, how close to ending it, I am. I said that between him and her they need to work out some way where they stop making me feel so worthless. He kept asking me what I want him to do. Like it was too hard for him to talk to Mum, to even try. The fact that I was nearly in tears talking to him about things and that I was clearly scared about what I might do wasnt enough for him to just talk. I said to him that I need him to do something, that they dont need another my sister etc. He said he would go and talk to her a bit later on. It was apparently too hard for him to do it straight away, too much for him to let me feel that I mattered enough for him to go and speak to her straight away. During this, my sister just so happened to walk up the hallway really slowly and shortly after back, the same. Nothing will convince me that she wasnt trying to listen in on Dad and I. Next thing my sister, who has had a migrane for a few hours decided that she needed to go to ER for it. So, Dad hadnt spoken to her at this point and by the time he gots home it would be too late to speak to Mum and her be coherient enough to listen, which was the same outcome of putting off talking to her when I spoke to him. So I hightly doubt that he will actually speak to her, if he does it will be so late that he nor Mum will want to invest any quality time into talking about things. I even said to him that I was cose to going into hospital because I didnt feel safe. Knowing this, knowing how I felt he took my sister to hospital, who wanted me to take her but I had just taken my pain killers and cause Im talking more I wasnt sure how it would make me feel. But I was left on my own, in a really vunerable state so they could attend to my sister yet again. Roles reversed and they have been, something would have been done to make sure she was safe. I ended up going to bed. Atleast in bed there is an element that I was safe, especially if I fell asleep. Dad has disappeared, its half past twelve, if he has left it until now to talk to her Ill be pretty upset.

Im pretty scared that the thoughts and urges are goin to win, that the family is going to push me or say something that pushes me over the edge and I wont be able hold on anymore. What they are saying and doing is affecting my physically, my blood pressure rises, my hear rate does too, tonight I even had pain in my chest. I didnt do anything or say anything, because why would I, I just had a smoke and let it do whatever it wanted to, if I was lucky it would take away my need to get my hands dirty, it didnt clearly. Im not exactly scared of dying, its what comes after. I grew up in a Christian house, so there is the whole hell and devil thing, but its not even that. Reencarnation, Id come back as something even more lowly, I dont know what happens after but I am almost certain that it would not be benefitial to me. If I died and I knew I just stopped, that there was nothing afterwards that would suit me fine. I might as well not exist in this life, its been made clear that they only really have time for one child, so I dont want another life where I dont matter either. I just want to fade to black and stay that way.

Ive thought about writing Mum a letter, Dad did ages ago and I suspect the same thing would happen to my letter as did to his, she wouldnt read it. Dad came back down from Mum and didnt say anything about talking to her, just into the lounge and shortly later left to pick up my sister. Some families its the good kid and the bad kid or as I thought about mine, one favoured more than the other, without sounding too sad and sorry for myself, its more one that matters and one that doesnt. Mum will make all the time in the world for my sister, to the point that I had to ask her to not carry on txting her when we were talking, she has all the time in the world to talk to me when its ripping on Dad or about my sister but God forbid I need her to actually, like really support me, to put me ahead of my sister, not the supposed behind the scenes defending of me, which clearly hasnt made a difference, but Mum saying in front of others that she supports me and my feelings. Really, openly and honestly be there for me, when it goes at odds with what others are saying, especially my sister. I need Dad to do the same, to value me enough to sit down with Mum and talk to her about how I am doing and how she influences that. Even if nothing comes of it, even if he wears a bit of heat I was worth it to him but I had to beg for him to talk to her and even then he put it off. So, Im clearly not worth it to him, Im not worth anything to Mum, maybe the scraps left from my sister and Im only worth what my sister can get out of me, which is nothing now. She used me up when she was in hospital, I have no more to give so Im no use other than to shit on.

Ive got all the numbers to call if/when it gets bad but places like beyond blue etc are 20min. How do I relay all of what Im dealing with in that short a space of time? How do I even condense it enough to explain the reason why I feel the way I do. Not to mention, Im rarely alone for long and talking about that sorta stuff when my sister could over hear. Firstly I dont want to trigger her, secondly I dont want 1/2 a story getting to my Mum and causing me more grief. If shit got bad Id go into the hospital, I was close to doing so tonight, I was thinking Id probably do it over night when hopefully everyone was asleep. It might be better when the other car is back, thats if Im going to be allowed to drive it. If we had it tonight I would have just taken off regardless.

[ClockFace]

If Dad has spoken to Mum, neither he or her have let me know. Dad hasnt said anything, not that he had actually spoken to her, not that she listened to him and understood or that she didnt care. Mum hasnt rung, sent a msg or come down while no one is home to acknowledge what said or even to you know maybe appologise. What do I expect though, I will ask her pretty well every time I go into her room if she is ok but I cant remember the last time she asked me the same. Even with me being really sick, I had to just give her an update, if I didnt she would have taken issue that she wasnt kept in the loop. But showing interest or concern, there was none of that, I wonder what it would take for her to actually ask how I am.

You know even if she doesnt think Ill actually do it, which is nuts beause they didnt ever think my sister would either, but they dont think Ill do it maybe the fact I want to and Im sared that Im going to would be a reason enough to consider that I am desperate for help, that she could help. I am making it extremely clear what I need, what Im asking for, its not money or things its to be treated like I have some worth, that I matter. If things go sideways, she will have no one else but to herself to blame, cause she was warned.

My sister initially asked me to take her into hosptial and I said that I cant. I was eventually asked why. I was kind of taken back when she asked, there seems to be an attitude that Ive been discharged so Im all better. They seem to be missing the idea that they gave up trying to treat me, not that I got better. Im still sick, Im still in pain. I told her that they increased my pain meds and I had just taken them and I dont know how I will react, which turned out to be that I was drowsy. I know Dad is sick, but that doesnt mean that its up to me or vice versa, thats what ambulances are for, exactly what Ive been doing.

I went back to bed and got a few more hours sleep, I woke feeling like I was going to throw up again, more ginger. Im in pain, feeling really lousy and just in general over it all. Soon after the ginger my stomach calmed down. I ended u falling asleep in my chair, its amazing me how much sleep Im getting lately, the pain medication does make me quite tired. The pain meds Im on are strong, but even then  Im on a very high does. the standard dose would be like 20mg through out the day, Im on 100mg currently.

I wrote an email to my case manager, she is semi-aware of my home life and obviously aware of my medical situation. But Ive finished and I dont want to send it now, Im too much of the feelings and how bad I am. I just had a shower, Dad hasnt spoken to Mum, it was very clear. I really desperately asked Dad for help last night and he put it off, my sister went to hospital and now its 6:30pm the following night and nothing has happened. At no point did I rate high enough for Dad to do a thing. He hasnt even spoken to me today to see how Im coping or if there is anything he could do, maybe even offer an explaination as to why he hasnt spoken to her. I dont have my psych meds for tonight because, knowing that there were more meds to collect, Dad had had enough at the chemist and wanted to leave, so what can I expect from him. Mum wonders why I dont have a girlfriend/married, other than I dont want one, but they care so little about me that they cant even show that they care enough to talk about what they can do to help me when I am in the position I am now, the position that has been getting worse and worse since I took on looking after my sister. Its not the first time I have asked for help, but Im screaming now and no one is listening. Why would I seek out a partner, when my own parents care so little about me? So little that they cant even talk about how I am doing and what they can do to help me.

I told Mum that the hardness has come into my upper arms, she had no idea what I was on about, its clearly stuck with her what Im dealing with. I explained again. I explained the pain in my legs and that I wish they would work out what is actually wrong with them. Mums responce "Maybe I didnt walk enough when I was sick." That was the extent of it, her first thought was how it could be my fault. I didnt even bother with the swelling issue. Makes sense why she thinks I should be getting back to work soon, in her mind there is nothing actually wrong with me, its really easy when you fail to remember or ignore the facts, amazingly it rarely happens with my sisters situation, certainly doesnt happen that entire streams of medical issues are just made out to be non-existant.

The really horrible thing, I feel guilty for all of it, that I am such an inconvienience for them all. I was better off before I got sick 12 years ago, when I lived alone and rarely saw them, they made a fuss at times but truth is they didnt really have time for me, me for them either. They were pretty content living as if they only had one child, the one they planned for. Its so clear that Mum loves my sister far more than me, but it would appear that that is being generous, Im tolerated because there is an obligation but it seems thats it. If I were to say this to her, she would deny it, so I dont because Im sick of being lied to. If she loved me, if she cared then her actions and words would be different and the same goes for Dad. He might be worse because he side steps his accountability in it all and puts it on Mum. Like he cant change anything or do anything differently because Mum has said. If he truely cared he would stand up to Mum, to my sister and he wouldnt back down until I was ok. Until I was treated like I mattered, even if he isnt he wouldnt stop fighting for me. I stand up for him, but he doesnt do the same for me. None of this is new, its been happening in different ways most my life.

Mum has made sure Im well aware on a number of occassions that I wasnt planned but my sister was, given the difference in the way we are treated I would be of the opinion that this is part of the reason why, its like she resents me for what I imposed on her when she was pregnant and I was born. Like the change to her life, the difficulty that having an unplanned baby would put on their lives. My sister, she was planned, she was wanted and it shows. To me, other than to make sure I was completely aware that I wasnt planned and my sister was, there is no reason to tell me once, even more so tell me more than once.

I dont know what to do, I have no where to go if I leave here. Financially I cant afford to leave because of my medical costs. I honestly dont know if I have a job to go back to at the end of all this or even if I am going to be able to go back to working full stop. I dont know what I will do if I end up on DSP, I would not be able to afford my medical costs. Leaving home would very likely result in homelessness I would think. I dont have any friends to rely on. If I lost my job or the income protection comes to an end then affording my medical costs will end. If I stay here and things dont change then I dont think I will be able to resist my urges much longer. I cant see a way in which things improve for me.

The really hurtful thing is knowing that they are capable of love and caring but choose not to show it towards me. The difference in the way they treat my sister vs me is what gets me. My sister isnt well, she has been through a lot, I wont deny that. Ive been through a lot too, Im currently going through heaps. My sister isnt currently on pain meds but capable of getting around and doing stuff. Im taking so much that they arent able to really increase it anymore without going onto some really hardcore pain medication. Im unable to even doing my own grocery shopping. My sister has a team around her to support her mental health, I cant even get a psychiatrist to take me on. Mum and her talk via txt through out the day, I cant even get Mum to listen to me face to face for 20min and appreciate where Im coming from. My sister seems to have Mum at her back 100%, I cant even get Dad to talk to Mum about what Im feeling, even when it comes to wanting to end it. You tell me, how am I expected to feel that they have any affection for me at all, let alone care or love me. It would appear that me being out of the way would suit them well, it would allow them to focus on my sister and my sister would no longer have sharing Mum and Dad and the house with me, so she would probably be better off mental health wise.

I really dont know what it is, what Ive done. How I can be as sick as I am, that doctors are worried, that they are trying to get me into specialist like immediately, that they make sure that I know I can come to ER, get an ambulance, etc. they have increase my pain medication to pretty much the top of what I can take, knowing that its still not enough. This is all on top of the pre-existing issues I have, all the stuff we are trying to deal with. But still, its like Im not really that sick, my sister has had it worse, she has been through what I am already. They dont want to hear it, they dont want to hear how its affecting me, Im really only meant to exist to help my sister or Dad. Not to be a burden to them, have issues of my own.

The tensing I have in my lower legs seems to be going up higher into my thighs. I also seem to be having the same thing happening in my upper arms. If things keep getting worse it might have to be a trip to ER. I was looking at only mental health support services, but they are like 20-30 min sessions, thats it. Also, I dont know if I see the point, I dont really see the point in fighting against any of it any more.

I laid down for a little while, not to sleep just a break. I got up, I wasnt gone long, but everyone was off to bed soon after, which means Im left on my own, which is kinda nice.

Since I spoke to Dad last night, he has hardly spoken to me, like basically nothing. My sister has been quieter than normal, but she also thought I was having a go at Dad last night, so Mum hasnt said to her that I was looking to Dad for help. Mum has been quieter since I snapped at her, when she said insensitive shit to me. But it does feel like I have gotten to the end of my rope again, this time Im asking for help, not going ballistic, but Ive asked for help and since I have Ive been shunned, again Im left to deal with being sick on my own.

Laying down kinda helped for a bit, but not long, my legs hurt again, the swelling feels really bad, I feel really weak, Im aching all over, Im sick of this shit. I dont want to go to ER if I can avoid it but if it doesnt start to settle it might be the way of it. Again, Ill take myself, Id hate to put anyone else out, or Ill call an ambulance. Im actually pretty shaky at the moment. Im keeping a good eye on my obs, my sister is in bed so Im not going to get shit for checking often. I havent eaten much today, so I figured Id have something for tea, I wish I hadnt, I feel worse now than I did. The tiredness is starting to hit me pretty hard and Im really hot.

The doctors know something is wrong but they dont know what it is. I feel like Im getting worse but I feel like the doctors have kinda put me on ice. I was in hospital kinda for ages and nothing was done, I saw my GP and she didnt know what to do. She sent me for some tests but so far negative, in the mean time, feed me more painkillers and hope for the best. Which is what Ive done, I was nearly due for my next lot so I had them, Im hoping that they make me drowsy and sorta put me to sleep, so I dont have to deal with any of this anymore. My stomach is so swollen that I cant put my arms down by my sides. Im really not comfortable. I feel like I ate a horse, on my own, with sides. My O2 sats are fine but it feels like Im having difficulty breathing. Ive had my puffer but I think its more that my stomach is pushing on my lungs , thats what it feels like anywho. I really feel like chucking my guts up.