Hi @Rosemary4
It’s so lovely to hear from you 
Thank you so much for your beautiful message and the virtual roses Roses are one of my favourite flowers and I especially love the pink ones!
As I read your message, I was incredibly touched when you said, ‘please forgive me’ and as such I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that there’s absolutely nothing to forgive
There have been so many times in my life when I’ve struggled to be able to focus and concentrate and I can really appreciate how challenging this can be 
As such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that there’s absolutely no pressure or expectations in relation to how long it may take for you to be able to reach back. Please just reply whenever you can - I’ll still be here
Thank you so much for sharing what ‘I’m not sure if I have anything left to offer the world anyway, or if I can find a way out of this hole this time’ meant for you In my experience, living with thoughts of suicide can be an incredibly painful, dark and lonely place to be and I’m so deeply sorry to hear that this is something that you’ve been wrestling with
During these times in my life, I realised that one of the things that I desperately needed was the opportunity to be able to connect with someone who could sit with me in the rubble, listen to what was happening for me and hear my pain and distress.
As I reflected on this part of your story, I found myself thinking about some of your experiences and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if there’s anything that you find helpful during these times?
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re losing chunks of your life and my heart goes out to you In my experience, losing parts of our lives can be absolutely devastating and I can still remember how terrified and powerless I felt as the parts of my life that I was trying so desperately to hold onto, continued to slip through my fingers and vanish into thin air.
Losing our relationships as a result of the mental health conditions that we’re living with can be absolutely devastating and as I listened to your words, I could really hear how distressing this has been for you. I would love to be able to understand your experiences a little better and as such, I just ever so gently wondered in what way do you feel that your condition has pushed people away?
Wow! I love hearing how people have rearranged their living spaces and I just wondered how have you changed your lounge room?
As I read this part of your story, I noticed that you shared ‘and trying’ and I got the sense that perhaps you were referring to way in which you’re living with bipolar disorder
As such, I just ever so gently wanted to share with you that whenever I read your posts, I always get an overwhelming sense that you’re doing everything within your power to keep going and find a way forward and I’ve never once doubted how hard you’re trying
I truly believe that people do the very best that they can with the resources that they have available to them and as such, their ability to move forward has absolutely nothing to do with how hard they’re trying
In my experience, it’s so easy to criticize ourselves in relation to how we believe we’re managing some of the challenges in our lives, when often what we really need is understanding, compassion and support as we do our very best to weather the storm and find a way through
Absolutely! There are some fantastic resources and threads about bipolar disorder and I think that it’s great that you’ve been exploring some of these! In my experience, although it can be incredibly helpful to read other people’s stories, it can also be slightly overwhelming, as there’s often so much to process!
Over the years, one of the things that I’ve come to realise is that it can take time to ‘get to know’ the mental health conditions that we’re living with. As such, I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself as you continue to find your way
Please know that I’m still thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs at such a difficult time
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
Hi @Rosemary4
It was my pleasure - it’s so lovely to hear from you
Thank you so much for your patience in relation to the amount of time that it has taken for me to be able to reach back to you
That’s so kind of you of to ask about me - thank you so much
Lately, I’ve been struggling with migraine headaches that just seem to come out of nowhere. Just when the symptoms begin to ease and I think that I’ve turned the corner, they return! Apart from resting and taking the medication that’s been prescribed by my GP, there’s not too much else that I can do which I find really upsetting as they impact so many areas of my life.
I can really appreciate how challenging it can be to concentrate and as such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that there’s absolutely no pressure or expectations in relation to how much you’re able to share, or how long it may take for you to be able to reach back
I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’ve been wrestling with thoughts of suicide and my heart goes out to you
In my experience, this is such a painful place to be and as I read this part of your story, I could hear such a profound sense of distress and despair and how it took everything that you had to be able to keep yourself safe
The feelings of desperation, hopelessness, fear and anxiety that so often accompany thoughts of suicide can be absolutely excruciating and in my experience, this can result in a level of pain that’s all consuming and impossible to ignore.
In my experience, it can be incredibly distressing and lonely when opportunities for connection are few and far between, time limited or we don’t feel safe to share what’s happening for us due to the potential consequences.
As I listened to your experiences, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that you’re always welcome to contact the SANE Help Centre if you felt that you needed some additional support
Basically, the Help Centre is staffed by qualified mental health professionals who provide support to people who are living with complex mental health issues.
I’ve contacted the Helpline on several occasions and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt supported and understood
If you would like to contact them, their telephone number is: 1800 18 7263.
They operate Monday to Friday from 10.00am until 10.00pm AEST.
In addition to telephone support, they also provide support via web chat and email.
I’ve included the link below, just in case this is something that you would like to explore further:
https://www.sane.org/counselling-support/sane-support-services
Absolutely There was a time last year when I suddenly realised that I’d forgotten to fill one of my prescriptions! At this time, I just didn’t have the capacity to organise myself and schedule an appointment with my doctor and as a result, I went without taking this particular medication for a little under a fortnight!
Finding ways to calm our minds and our bodies when we feel restless and agitated can be incredibly challenging and in my experience, it can take time to understand our needs and how to address them. As such, I think that you’ve done so well to be able to identify some of the things that work for you
I felt really moved when you shared how taking your dog for a walk was only possible for you ‘when I’m not scared everyone’s looking at me.’ As I sat here thinking about this part of your story, I remembered that when we first began talking, you shared some of your fears in relation to going outside and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if these are some of the fears that you’re currently experiencing
Also, I just wanted to share with you that I’ve decided to take some time away from the forums and so please don’t worry if it takes me even longer to reach back to you
In the meantime, please know that I’ll be thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs at such a difficult time
I look forward to talking with you again soon
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
Thank you @ShiningStar and sorry about your migraines, but also that you're pulling back from the forums. I understand (in part I think) and I will miss you. You need to do what you need to do. I'm not good support sorry. God is teaching me humility, to consider others more important than me, and that my treasures lay in a different world, heaven I guess (which I feel is not far away for me anyway). My CM visited yesterday, I didn't let her in (because of the mess embarrassment) but we talked on the driveway a bit. Funny how we need help but get caught up in the excitement of actually having a visitor and not knowing how long we'll have them. Nice in the moment & she gets to tick her box... all sad 😢 Ssorry but I hate goodbyes, have to go.
All the best to you all 💌
Hi @Rosemary4
It’s so lovely to hear from you
I just wanted to reach out to say that I’m so deeply sorry that my last message caused you so much distress and confusion
Please know that this was never my intention and I’m so sorry that I unintentionally communicated that I was leaving the forums permanently, as opposed to just taking some time away
As such, I just ever so gently wanted to say that I’m still here and I would love to continue talking with you whenever you feel ready and / or able to reach out
In the meantime, please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
Sorry, I only just read your reply to my last post back on page 2. You did not tag me and so I never realised you had posted it back in June.
Hearing you about superficial conversations. I still have not mastered the art socially chatting and only revealing a comfortable amount of personal information. I tend to manage it strictly as superficial, but if I am fully me, too much seems to come out of my mouth. People say it is personal choice, but I do not feel that it is so, as probably my prefrontal cortex is overwhelmed, and I have to work very hard to manage an "appropriate" amount of revealing.
I had babies around when my sister passed, so had to make myself focus on the present. In a way it short circuited my natural grieving process, so periodically I do catch up grieving when it seems necessary now. I have framed photos of her and wrote poems about her, and visited her grave, she is buried with my father. I probably spent a lot less time with her than you did with yours as we were separated a lot. I lived with her for 4 years ( when I was 12-16) when she came back from the foster homes, and 2 years when she was a baby, before we all went into "care". Our circumstances were very complicated.
So maybe you would find it even harder to stop obssessing than me. Some of the obssessing is the natural need to work through memories, and feelings of loss, so it is not necessarily the wrong thing to do, which is why paying good attention to it, and making it physical somehow that reflects her or your relationship. Maybe something small symbolising her humour and her pain. I do not look at my photos of her a lot now, but when my eye rests on one, I usually just feel my love for her, tinged with gentle sadness, but it is no longer full blown grief.
I find it easier to relate to nature, than the human world finds it possible to relate to me. Its good that you replanted the salvia. A caring act. Gardening is great for working through seasons of grief and seasons of growth and the natural cycles and all that.
But we all do need to drink from the waterhole of some social acceptance and belonging.
Apple