Lived Experience Forum

[Bc05]

Hi
I've had major depression and PTSD for 20 years. It seems like I've tried everything, I've been in and out of hospitals, have had countless psychologists and psychiatrists and anti depressants. Its got to the stage where I don't believe anything will help. I've given up trying new psychiatrists etc because I always feel worse when I walk out than when I walked in.
Everyday is just the same and I just wait till sleep so I don't feel anything. I think about suicide everyday well more like dream about it I'm just a wus to actually try it again. It don't enjoy anything and have just about given up on everything - going out with mates etc i just think what's the point when I don’t enjoy it and feel like I'm hurting my fru ends and family.
What more can I do?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Bc05 ..... welcome to the forums.

What you are describing is not my lived experience, but I have friends on the forums here who have been struggling long-term too.  I hope they can provide you some advice and support.  I know the ones with children to care for need to get up and out and on with life despite the way they are feeling, for the sake of the children, but that does also provide "scaffolding" or structure to their day.

Are you able to write yourself a program of commitments to get through, so that you have something beyond your feelings to focus on ?  I'm sure your counsellor's will have stressed to you the importance of daylight to your well-being, and nutrition, and endeavouring to keep sleep in the night-time hours ...

Please continue to look after your physical well-being while you seek the emotional / psychological answers.

Do you have any pets ?  They can take you beyond yourself too, and provide some purpose to your day.

I am glad you found us.  You are not alone.

Take care,

F&H

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Bc05,

warm welcome to the forums,

I understand that you have tried a lot of things and for a long time and you say that you have given up but you are still thinking about what to try next and still reaching out like you have done here. It shows great strenght to keep pushing and an understanding that recovery is not the same path for everyone. ie even with medication they say that one usually needs to try at least three different types of (for example anti depressants) to find the right one (then assuming that anti depressants were the righ recommendation!) which means that it all takes time and a lot of perseverance. So pls dont lose hope

as faithandhope said yes there are lots of members on here who have struggled long term but are working hard to keep going and find their right path also

what do other people think? 

[Bc05]

Hi,

Thanks for the reply. 

I try and keep regular daytime/nighttime sleeping patterns, although a lot of days i just get really down and bored so i end up going to bed and reading.

I don't have any pets, i'm not allowed any where i live so its a bit annoying.

I think i just have to keep reminding myself i'm not alone, it just feels like it with friends and family who don't know what its like.

[Appleblossom]

hi @Bc05 

20 years of dealing with PTSD would be very challenging .. 

What things interest you ..

For about a year I let myself slide into daytime sleeping.  I have managed to turn that around .. but its after 1am so I have to make this short.

Take care .. and it is very sad .. that there are actually so many of us ..we are not alone..

and sometimes we can laugh ..

[Faith-and-Hope]

There are some lovely people here @Bc05 who understand well what you're going through.  

Have a browse around the threads and feel free to ask questions.  There are more social threads here as well, under the Enjoying Time With Others discussion topic.

See how you go ....

[Ellu]

Dear Bc05,

It was so sad reading your account of your struggles with mental illness. I am 63, and had my first episode of bi-polar disorder when I was 15. That's 47 years of illness - I was not diagnosed until my 40s, and since then have struggled with hospitalization, medications and ECT. The thing is, at the moment I am very well and VERY GLAD TO BE ALIVE! My tips for survival start with finding a health care professional you trust to look after you. It is a kind of partnership between you and doctor, and unless you have that then you feel helpless and alone..

Your doctor sould be available to you at all times - you must be able to ring him or contact him when you need advice. It might take some time to find the right person, but I think this is the whole basis of being able to live with mental illness -you are not alone.

Secondly I would suggest that you organize your life. Go to bed at the same time every night,get up at the same time,, eat regularly, follow a healthy daily routine.

Thirdly sit down with a piece of paper (or computer) and make a list of all the things you really enjoy doing - it might be meeting friends, going out for coffee, reading, watching movies, exercise -anything which YOU enjoy doing. Do at least one of these things every day, and while you are doing it try to disconnect yourself from thoughts of your illness. Let your enjoyment take over.If you don't have any hobbies, take a trip to your local Neighborhood House to see what is going on.I  know all this is distraction therapy, but it works

Above all, believe that because you are ill now you are NOT always going to be ill. That is very hard to digest,I know, but I have had long stretches of wellness in my life , and I remind myself of this every time I become ill again. Stay with us, stay connected - these forums are great - and others may have other suggestions to offer you.

Ellu

[Bc05]

Thanks for the reply.

I'm finding it hard with doctors. I find good doctors, then it just seems like they put me in the too hard basket. I've been seeing my current one for around 7 years now, but now it just feels like they don't know what else to try after years of prescribing different medications and sending me off to specialists. 

What is getting to me most is just not enjoying anything. I go out with friends or go for a walk etc and i just think to myself 'i want to die' or 'whats the point when i can't even enjoy this'. 

There is one thing that i still do enjoy - going to concerts/country music festivals etc. Although its short lived because it just seems like i'm feeling good for the night, then the next day i just wake up really down again. And theres not many around the area. 

Bec

[Ellu]

Dear Bc05,

I know exactly what you mean about not feeling any pleasure when you are depressed. When I was sick well-meaning family and friends used to try to take me out to "Cheer me up".Of course that only made things worse. At least you can still enjoy music festivals. Have you ever thought to going out to gigs to hear bands play? It doesn't matter that you are alone, you just become part of the crowd grooving with the music.Not all gigs are expensive.

As for your doctors, all I can do is repeat what I said - you have to find a health care professional you can trust and who takes a genuine interest in you. Sometimes it takes a long time to find someone you can trust.Don't give up. If you are losing faith in your current doctor, tell him/her that you do not feel comfortable and need a proper health plan about what to do in the future. Any doctor worth his/her salt will not object to discussing the way the treatment is going and talking about any misgivings you might have. After this long a time it is quite normal to ask for a review of what has happened in the past and discuss various options you might have in terms of medication and counselling.I am lucky, I have a fantastic doctor, but even with him every now and again I find it useful to discuss what direction the treatment is taking and what my future options are.

Above all, please don't feel alone. There are lots of us here who have experienced similar situations to yours, Try my suggestion of writing down pleasurable activities to do. I know that right now you can't feel pleasure, but if you force yourself to do some things then firstly it will pass the time, and secondly you may be getting benefit from them without realizing it. Thinking of you,

Ellu 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Bc05

There is something you might be able to try .... particularly if you can view it a bit objectively like an exercise ....

Can you try to catch hold of some of your common phrases that you can recognise as negative self-talk and write them down.  Maybe just start with three ..... 

Then try to work out a way to re-write them in a more positive light ... even if it's just a slight shift 

eg

What's the point ?  >>  I am not seeing any point to this at the moment ....

I don't enjoy anything  >>  I'm not enjoying this today ...

Negative self talk becomes something of a cage, or a cave, blocking out the light, and any thought of future change .... a bit like a self-fulfilling prophesy.  When we can broaden the self talk to include the possibility that we won't always feel this way, it is like opening a small window and letting some light in ... as our eyes adhust to the light, we begin to see more .... it can bring about changes.

Negative self-talk spirals everything down to feeling defeated.  It will take a bit of time and practice, but engendering even a little more, at least neutral tone, if not yet positive, into your inner dialogue wil start to raise you into a more positive frame of mind.  

Actually starting to feel positive again, feel some hint of enjoyment again, springs from there.

Worth a try ?

🌷💜