Lived Experience Forum

[Misty1]

Thank you @Former-Member, hugs back!

Hubby did get depressed. He also gets frustrated and feels down because as he puts it his " body is falling apart". He can't do things as well as he used to. But he is a walking miracle. Because he was not expected to survive, they gave him a trial drug. He is one of the only survivors of his type of illness from the year he was treated, because when he was sick, very few kids pulled through. Being used as a guinea pig saved his life. When we were married we had tests done because of the type of treatment he was given during his formative years. We were told we had a 5% chance of conceiving a baby. We had three kids. 

[Former-Member]

Strokes come with their own brand of hell. I have had relatives suffer them and the depression they suffered as a result of the damage was hard to watch - and the frustration of not being active as they use to be was heart breaking. But I have seen some come through major strokes to slowly building up their strength again to lead productive lives. This may be the case for your husband in time - he has already experienced one miracle, nothing stopping him from achieving another.

18 years ago my husband contracted prostate cancer and was given 18 mths to live. Some even refused to treat him. He still receives three monthly mild chemotherapy injections but his cancer went into remission and remains so. They also call him the miracle boy. We have much in common. 

Its so lovely talking with you @Misty1, you are an amazing woman and I feel we help each other xxx

[getbetter]

Hello Misty

Your post is doing some good, as a person who has felt extremely suicidal in the last few weeks, your post and the other contributors help me to see the devistation that suicide causes those that are left behind , my poor beautifull mother would never recover from it, you are going through something so extreme that not many people could compare with, it makes my problems seem pretty insignificant.

Hopefully others considering suicide may read this post, Misty you may just save some lives.I agree with others that calling lifeline is a good thing to do, you may even talk to a counsellor who has lost a child also, if you get a counsellor you do not feel helped, then ring again to get a different one. the sane helpline is also good but only operates during the day.

[Misty1]

Thanks @getbetter.

The downside of being human is that we feel negative emotions so intensely. It felt like my world was narrowing to this completely unbearable agony. I felt like a pressure cooker about to implode. I did not see how I could keep feeling that intensely miserable. And this is the problem with suicide. We feel like it will never end. For smart beings our brain is pretty dumb... why does our brain insist it will feel like this forever, when logic defies that? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

I would give anything to have my daughter back....the heart ache truly feels unbearable. My life will never be the same. She had so many friends who are completely devastated.

When she was in Yr 12 one of her friends died by suicide the night before the practice exams...she never got over that friends death. She took her life at the same time of year that her friend had. I don't think it was a coincidence.

I still feel like I am walking a tightrope.... I wish I was able to ring one of the help lines.... I just can't.

Writing on this forum is a major step for me. I guess that's a start.

[lola]

Hi Misty1, Lola here, one of the moderators. This is such a difficult time for you and you shown such bravery coming onto the forum to talk about your situation and your feelings. I too would like to encourage you to follow-up with either of the following resources:
Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling
In particular the Suicide Call Back Service can be a wonderful resource as you will have the opportunity to talk to the same counsellor.
take care
lola

[Decadian]

Hi @Misty1

I was only on-line briefly yesterday - I had a funeral and that was okay but I had to see my Toxis Sister there and that made me feel quite horrible for a while

Your MIL telling you something like you destroyed the family because you have MI, and grieve too much - whatever the words were the meaning would be similar I think - that says more about her than you - there is nothing you can do to ruin the family - it is already ruined if that is the kind of junk she deals out - whew - mine own family was dysfuntional enough but that scores high on the score of 1 - 10 on bad comment scale

We all grieve differently and some people seem to get on with their lives more quickly than others - at the funeral yesterday my uncle talked briefly about my little cousin who died at 36 hours - and I felt tears in my own eyes as I remembered the day of her funeral in that church when I cried at the back of the church - I will never forget and of course I remembered my son's and my older cousin's suicide as well - and there are times when the past will visit us and it is hard - and will continue - but you will not feel so terrible forever.The nature of life is that we have to pick ourselves up and go on in our own way the best we can and eventually find our feet in life.

But we will never forget

People are writing some great stuff here -  and I must say that it is very hard on a marriage when a couple can't grieve together - you do need to see someone - you at least - it would be better if you and your husband went to see someone together as well

But you can't force that - people who have other issues deal with things differently - and there is one thing that is true though

Anyone who criticises us for "not coping" etc - then they really have no idea - and actually I think they know less of life. My own life has been pretty fantastic but it has had some very hard parts - and my other was abusive to me - physically when I was a child and emotionally when she realised I was too combative to hit anymore

But because she thought she did not need to see a psychiatrist when the psychiastrist wanted to see her to explain how she (my mother) could help with my son my mother flipped - she thought she didn't need to see anyone and she was pretty wrong about that

Enough for now - I am so glad you have found us and that so many other people are adding their thoughts

Decadian

[Shimmer]

Hi @Misty1

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter.

Good on you for reaching out for support during this extremely difficult time, it's wonderful to see so many beautiful responses from other members

@Decadian and @Former-Member called out for some more resources. A few that I am aware of are as follows:

• Support After Suicide website
• Suicide Call Back Service's helpline (1300 659 467), online chat and factsheets "Have you been bereaved by suicide?"
• SuicideLine's helpline (1300 651 251) and factsheets "Have you been bereaved by suicide?"
• SANE's online chat and factsheet "Has someone close to you died by suicide?"
• Grieflink website
• GriefLine's helpline (1300 845 745)

Given your nervousness about calling helplines, perhaps having a look at some of the online information might be a good place to start? However I would also encourage you to try a helpline if you do need someone to talk to. Are you thinking about seeing a counsellor face-to-face?

Self-care is also really important in times like these. Are you doing anything to look after yourself @Misty1?

Keep talking to us whenever you need, we are here for you.

Take care,

Shimmer

[Misty1]

Thank you @Shimmer, I will look at the sites that you mentioned. I just find it REALLY challenging to talk to people I know and trust, the idea of talking to a complete stranger kind of freaks me out.

Mostly slept all day today. Don't think that is self care.....more avoidance. Though I feel better now than I did a few hours ago. Find self care hard. Frustrating to think that If I was better at it I may feel better than I do.

[Appleblossom]

I have been to the Jesuit Support after Suicide Service.  it is a small Community of lovely people who mean well and many of the bereaved are managing it well. The one coffee and one course I went to was of good quality.  It not that good a time & place for me ... but even going onto the website and reading a little of others stories might just help give some perspective.

For a long time any thought or association of my brother and sister (who took their lives) would plange me into tears .. it is a while ago now .. the best way to handle it for me ... was to choose something that they each loved and build a mental construct around it and how their joy & love also connected with me.

Its still early days but .. it might help .. you may already know about it.

Eg my brother and going fishing .. 

Me sister & sewing

Because the experience is not where their pain or my pain is .. the memory can be pure and untainted by the way they died.  So I now invest mental energy into the positive memories or deflect and re-route negative thinking back to the good.