Lived Experience Forum

[Chronicallycat]

I don’t hate the perpetrator of my SA, I wish I could and I wish I did because it would make everything so much easier. 

He was just 9-10 and I was 3-4 the first time, we were and still are practically family. I still have vivid and tactile memories of it but nearly 11 years later we suffered an enormous trauma as a family unit and despite my hesitation to be alone around him, I still care for this person.

My brain will not allow me to reconcile the idea of this person who broke me and did horrible things to me with the person who I know now after the trauma. It won’t allow me to hate him. Fear, shame, disappointment and anger, but I cannot hate him 

it feels like a disservice to my younger hurt self and to the girl who he made me into who was groomed and SA’ed later in life, to not be able to hate him.

I feel disgusted in myself that I don’t and I don’t know how to forgive my brain for it.

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @Chronicallycat and welcome to the forums. It's so brave of you to reach out and share your story. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Do you have any support for this through a psychologist? Have you spoken to anyone in your family? 

I'm wondering if you have ever spoken to anyone at Blueknot about this? 

I'm so sorry you are sitting with these feelings. It isn't fair and you shouldn't have to feel this way. 

We're sitting with you 🌸

@NatureLover @Eve7 @outlander 

[TuxedoCat]

Hey @Chronicallycat, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. I hope you feel supported by out little community ❤️  I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you are carrying this.

I'm just sliding in here to say so many SA survivors feel a mix of feelings and that our feelings can change a lot over time. Especially when we know the perpetrator. It also sounds like you have expectations about how you should respond to what's happened. But anger, fear, disappointment and shame are completely understandable and ok things to feel.

I know that might not help you wade through all of these feelings, but I hope it can help you be a little more gentle on yourself now ❤️ 

Like @Paperdaisy, have you ever spoken to a professional about these feelings? It sounds like it might help you work your way through all of these feelings. 

How are you feeling today?

BIIIIGGGG love,

TuxedoCat

[Eve7]

Welcome to the forum @Chronicallycat. I am sorry this happened to you and for the traumatic affect on your life.

I had a similar experience of having to continually see my perpetrator at family functions for years. There’s no easy solution and even though my perpetrator  has passed away I haven’t faced the reality of what occurred. It just sits in my too hard basket.

We are here to support each other no matter what so welcome once again.

Lots of love

💚💛💚

[Chronicallycat]

Thank you all for your replies, I haven’t heard of BlueKnot. 
I have spoken to both a psychiatrist and psychologist about this and both time they have used it as a way to diminish the SA and the after effects

i have these expectations of how I should feel about the perpetrator and I feel like because I don’t meet those that it invalidates the trauma from my assault

its nice to know there are people out there who understand in some way and that I’m not alone in my fears 

thank you for your kindness and reaching out, this is a difficult issue to live with and knowing I’m not alone relieves some of that stress