Lived Experience Forum

[Bellaswan]

Ive struggled with mental illness all my life. Ill be 40 next week and in the last 4 years have been under the care of a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse trialling medications and hoping they'll work.
In the last 6 months Ive had my diagnosis changed from anxiety/depression to a mood disorder. Bipolar. But no specifics on 1 or 2. I dont get psychosis but i definitely get the mania. We've also talked about borderline being an issue on top of anxiety.

Problem is. Ive seen things in the past. They look like demons. They sound like demons. But not in the biblical sense. Just how i can describe them. I hear one voice over and over in my head. I call it the "demon" it tells me im shit. Im fat. Im ugly. Im a loser. Noone loves me. It tells me the guy im with doesnt want me. It tells me so much. Even to harm myself. I was put on anti psychotics again to try quieten them but all they do is make me hungry and fatter and more depressed.

Does anyone else have voices or this inner critic voice? How do you cope?
Because it's making me seriously want to die. I hate myself so much because of it. I just want some peace and quiet.

Thanks

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bellaswan

I'm not sure i've met you, but hi!

I dont have any answers for this but sounds like it worries you a bit. Have you talked with your care team about it? 

There are many people on the forums who've talked about experiences like this but its a bit quiet being Easter 🙂 

hope you're doing ok

lj

[Eden1919]

I am bipolar and i hear things they scare me and sometimes are mean but when i am manic they can be nice. i understand the issues with antipsychotics they dont help me either. i just try to ignore it and i always have something around like tv on or listening to music so i cant hear them if they happen. it is hard though and i am sorry you are dealing with this but you are not alone. 

[Bellaswan]

Hi! Thank you for your reply.
I've only posted a couple times. I really should use this forum more because I need support from people like me. Its hard for other people without mental illness to understand.

[Bellaswan]

@eden I always have noises in the background to distract the voice. Its generally ine voice for me and I can pretty much hear it everyday. I was on an older antipsychotic for it but put on 20kgs and now on another. But I've already put on 5kgs and its only been a month and a half. It depresses me more putting on the weight, especially when I know it's not stopped the demons in my head 😞

[Queenie]

Hi @Bellaswan I live with schizoaffective disorder which is like having schizophrenia and bipolar in one disorder. I live with voices almost every day. They sometimes can be difficult to live with and are nearly always derogatory in nature. I manage them with a combination of medications, meditation (usually mindfulness practices), cognitive behavioural therapy with a good psychologist, listening to music I enjoy and distraction techniques. Some of these distractions work better than others at differing times. For example, I try to make my voices make an appointment with me and I call it soapbox hour. During this hour, my voices have free reign and I will also communicate back to them. After that hour is up, I go back to distraction and the management strategies I mentioned above.

Have you voiced your concern about weight gain with your psychiatrist at all? There are some medications which have reportedly had minimal weight gain in consumers. I'm on one of these at the moment and while the damage has already been done (I am obese), I haven't gained anymore weight since. 

[Sass-blue]

Same here x

[Eden1919]

Yes I would voice the concerns about your weight with the doctor I gained 6kg in a week on one antipsychotic! I stopped that one pretty soon it also did nothing for the voices except make them angry. If it is more of an inner voice though like one that you hear in your head then perhaps reexamine the cause. I could be 100% wrong here so someone tell me if I am but I am pretty sure antipsychotics work best on voices outside the head not inside but again I could be wrong.