Lived Experience Forum

[JaneG]

I need help to understand if I’m over reacting or if what my boyfriend is doing is not right. 

so my friend went away for a work for 4 days and didn’t call me once. Today I told him that I was upset that he didn’t call or msg. He got really angry and started calling me crazy and needy. I tired to say sorry but he kept on yelling at me telling me it’s crazy to expect that he would call me as he was away for work and if I wanted to talk I should of just called him. He then has brought it up 3x today and each time yelled at me for being so needy and said if I want someone that calls all the time I should find a new boyfriend. 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @JaneG,

Thank you for sharing your story with us - it sounds like you are going through a rough time. Please know that you are in a safe space on the forums with a lot of understanding and kind members.

I guess the thing about expectations and needs in a relationship is that they can be very different from person to person. In my opinion there is no right or wrong - I think what is important is that both people in the relationship have a mutual understanding of their needs and wants. My daughter's (who is in her 20s) boyfriend has gone overseas for a week. She wants him to text/ring her in the morning and in the evening. Her boyfriend on the other hand just wants to text her every few days because he wants to focus on his time with his friends. From what I see there is no right or wrong - they just have different needs and expectations for each other. I do think that his response to you expressing your needs re communication is excessive. No one deserves to be called names or yelled at for communicating how they feel.

Maybe you could have a chat with your boyfriend and come up with a `game plan' about what you both want, expect and need from the relationship. Some people need more attention and reassurance than other people and that's okay. Other people on the other hand need more independence and space. I think the key is communication and honesty - if you have those two ingredients I think you are half way to having a great relationship.

Wishing you both all the best,

FloatingFeather

[Appleblossom]

@JaneG 

Compatibility in romantic relationships varies so much.  It sounds as if he (predictatxt edit) went borderline ballistic for you expressing a need.  So much depends on the length of relationship and the the 2 individuals.  There is no one size fits all.  Mind you am not talking from a position of knowing it all, as I have not had good relationships as I always settled and accepted what others put on me, til late in life.  

I also replied to your other post, which suggests how vulnerable you are at the moment.  Sometimes Sane phone line or chat services can be helpful.  

Understanding attachment styles may help you make up your mind as to how to deal with this kind of thing.

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/