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Something’s not right

MSterl16
New Contributor

I can't help destroying my own marriage

Sorry about the long post.

Very early on in our relationship, I used to send a messages to other girls. I got caught, and justifiably, I was put on blast, but we made up.

The following couple of years, I did similar things. The messaging was sometimes less inappropriate then previously, sometimes more, but I would always hide it from her. Even if I wasn't doing something against her wishes, the act of me doing it, and hiding it, continued to ruin her trust in me.

It got to a peak where 4 years ago, while we were engaged, she was feeling so unwanted, disconnected and untrusting to me, that she started getting strong feelings for another man, and she decided we needed to go on a break. Soon after going on the break however, we found out that she was pregnant, and we agreed to work on the relationship one last time.

Here is when I felt like I'd turned over a new leaf. I felt like I'd become a whole new man. This didnt stop her from still having those feelings for the above mentioned man. I couldn't lose her though, so I told her to go do what she had to do, and I'd still be at home, waiting for her when she was done.

One thing led to another, and we had opened our relationship. She began to see a few different people, catering to needs that she had that she never knew about until she began to experience it all. These needs are things that we both agreed I can't provide (BDSM and kink related needs), and that I would be her safe place, her home base.

After she'd seen probably half a dozen people, we started talking about me seeing someone. Our main rules though were to keep our family lives seperate, and total openness with communication because of my past disgressions. So I hopped on tinder and started chatting to someone. Immediately I slipped back into old habits. I started talking more and more to this girl, sharing less and less with my partner. As far as she knew, we just chatted a couple of times and then I went out to meet her the one time. While I was out, my wife went through the messages and found I'd very much crossed the line.

She was absolutely furious, as she had the right to be. After all these years, I'd crossed the same lines we'd always had. Even though we were in an open relationship, communication and hiding things were always what was wrong from the beginning, and I did it again.

I broke things off immediately with this girl, and commenced to mend my relationship.

A few months ago we got married. Amazing day, beautiful honeymoon followed.

Deep down, I could feel something wasn't quite right. I'd made a drunken mess of myself on the bucks night, and I was beginning to harbour feelings of jealousy at her partners that she used for her releases.

Cue a party with our friends. During the party, one of the girls who we knew was talking about getting into swinging with her husband was flirting with me. We brushed hands a few times, had a close moment of silence when there wasn't anyone around. This girl was a very close friend of my wife.

We had a chat the next day over text, bit of flirting, and the suggestion came up that I be the first person she swung with. I tentatively agreed via these messages. I told my wife I'd been messaging her, and gave her them all to read. All she had to say on it all was that I was shit at flirting.

I had to go away for a couple days for work that night though. While I was gone, I continued to flirt with this girl. The flirting got quite heavy, quite quickly. There was discussion during about how our partners were handling everything, she gave me a false impression that her husband was fine, and I had taken my wifes lack of response to mean I had a green light for the flirting. All the while, we both told each other that nothing would happen until everyone had given the ok.

The day I arrive back from my trip, and my wife is ready to leave me. Her friends husband had been messaging her, apparently I'd been saying I was going to fuck his wife in a couple of days, and he wasn't nearly ready for that. So her embellishment didn't help. But I had done it all again.

All the times I could have sent my wife a message saying "The flirtings gotten heavier", she would have immediately stopped me in my tracks and said shes not on board. I had planned on telling her when I got home, face to face, that I had been speaking to her friend, and that she'd like me to be her first, and ask if that was going to be ok with her, or if I should cut it off.

But that was 3 whole days. 3 days of hiding all of this from my wife, when that has always been the biggest problem. There were some really disrespectful things I said to her friend concerning my wife. In the moment, I was just saying what I thought she wanted to hear, to get her riled up. Not once did i stop to think how horrible this would sound to anyone on the outside. Not only had I hidden things once again, I'd been a horrible person while doing it.

I can't decide if I should be shutting myself off from everyone. Because if I love you, apparently I'm going to break your heart, your mind and your spirit. I did a similar thing in high school, I selfishly tried to turn things sexual with my female best friend, and pushed hard enough to push her away.

I'm so horrifically disgusted at what I've done to her again, but I just keep doing it. I can't imagine my life without my wife, but she can't look at me without feeling sick, and I did it to her.

I get so wrapped up in the chase of another woman, that my brain switches straight to a defensive mode, where I can't let anyone find out because then it might have to stop.

None of these other women even remotely come close to comparing to my wife. If I sat down and wrote everything I'd ever want in a wife, a lover and a best friend, she ticks every damn box ten-fold.

So why do I keep destroying her?

2 REPLIES 2

Re: I can't help destroying my own marriage

Dear MSterl 16

It certainly sounds as if you have a complicated and confusing marriage, and your main problem seems to be "crossing the line" you have set yourselves. It sounds as if the same problem keeps repeating itself over and over. I think that you have got to the stage where it is very difficult if not impossible for you to sort all this yourselves.

I think you should go to your GP and ask to be referred to Couples Counselling. A Couples Counsellor sees couples together and helps them to talk through their issues, guiding the conversation so that it doesn't get out of hand. This can be an incredibly valuable experience. You won't solve all your  problems in one session, but just going there together shows your commitment to each other. Psychologists are non-judgemental, so you can discuss your most intimate problems.

I hope you will follow through with this, because I think it is your best way forward.

Ellu

 

 

Re: I can't help destroying my own marriage

Thank you @Ellu, I agree, therapy seems to be the best course of action.

After a little research, I have booked an appt with my GP for a Mental Health Care Plan, which I've been told will help me with getting a therapist that's right for my situation. I'm going to go by myself first, before bringing in my wife. She doesn't want to be around me a whole heap right now, so hopefully going by myself will show that I am really putting in the effort to fix me.

Thank you for your advice.

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