Lived Experience Forum

[The-red-centaur]

I haven't self harmed for x a length of time. I'm coming to the realisation I never want to do it again.
The hard thing is I miss it. I mean really miss it.
It was my thing.
I was doing it for a quarter of my life.
You see me and see a self harmer. I'll never be able to erase the horrific scars from years of self abuse.
But I want to be different, I don't want it to be my life anymore.
I'm about to start studying psychology at uni and when I graduate I want to be well and alive. My self harm has nearly killed me on numerous occasions, I want a future now and I desire to help people like people helped me.

I just don't know how to move forward from here, how do I stop the desire to relapse.
This is stupid but it's like I should just give up and show everyone I'm the failure the voices tell me I am, that I don't deserve to be well or that I'll never get there. Has anyone ever been through anything similar? Self savatagebis what I'm good at.
I'll probably never self harm again but I bloody want to.

[Former-Member]

Hi @The-red-centaur
Congrats on starting your study soon, that is great! I hope that you enjoy your studies too! I think you would be a great psych, love how you commuicate and write on the forums 🙂
Im thinking that getting to this stage where you have a strong goal, and purpose, as well as the desire to stop SH is a massive step already and I think that you can do this. I dont know if it would help you but do you have a ready plan for when the urges are there to help you get through those times? I do get what you say when you feel like you miss it. As i often feel like i 'need' it to be able to get through... which im so ashamed of too... though its less frequent than a few years ago. When i was at uni (so long ago now) I got into a few bad habits in my third year after a lot of stuff happened but realised that I really wanted to be a good role model for the kids that i would be teaching so gave it all up including smoking but I still often feel like i want a cigarette if i smell one! (not that it even smells good?!) Not quite the same as the SH and that didnt really stop, though there have been periods of time that i havent done it at all... but have always ended up back at it.. i kind of wonder if the urges will always be there like with smoking but its about managing those times better/stronger? im not sure this has been at all helpful for you sorry! Hope you're doing ok today.