So over it

[ClockFace]

I woke at 1:30am, what a suprise. I feel  a bit (a lot) off. I mucked about, I decided to go back to bed but got caught up with something and stayed up and felt better, more alert. I felt like I was almost asleep, not quite awake, I couldnt work stuff out properly, it was like I dunno something was not there mentally. But then, almost instantly, I was ok. Im going to go to bed in a minute, less because Im tired but more because I should and Im not up because my mind is racing or anything Im just up, I actually feel pretty awake and alert. This could all be my new medication, the new antipsychotic, which might not be so bad if it were that I take at night only, but its a twice a day medication, so it will be really interesting how I go during the day on the stuff. Hopefully, it is a matter of waiting for the worst of the side affects to wear off, like the drowsyness and mental oddities, its hard to tell off the first dose. Im quite over my tounge issues, its not overly painful, it can be but its more uncomfortable, a bit more than that, its sore. It can be fine for sometime and then its not, I get some relief from Savacol and anaesthetic lozengers, I use the Savacol at night primarily when its at its worse, it helps me sleep. It reduces the random pains I get, it reduces the discomfort when I swollow, atleast for a while. When I see my GP in the near furture I am going to talk to her about it further.

I keep a list of issues to be brought up with my GP, each appointment I select the most important or pressing items to be discussed in that appointment. Ive started to do the same for my psychiatrist and psychologist regarding issues and  topics I want to discuss. Its helpful given my memory is pretty crap and even more so when it comes to psych related things. The GP list is helpful because Im not dealing with one issue, Im not needing a small number of regular medications, its a large list of issues to keep on top of, which is where the care plan helps. Medication wise, most is dealt with without my involvement, but having it noted helps me make sure I get what I need. When it comes to psych things I tend forget things once they have stopped, even if they are repeated, Ill remember at the time it happens again that its happened before but often I will forget experiences. Its not that I forget exactly its that its pushed to the side, I chose not to remember it, I force myself not to focus on them, they arent neccessarily disturbing in themselves, the fact that I am having them is though. I shouldnt be having these experiences at all, thats the disturbing bit. So, keeping a record of the experiences I have, particularly the ones I want to discuss or I think should be brought to their attention means that I discuss what needs to be discussed and with what needs to be brought to their attention, there is closure.

I went to bed around 4am and woke up again around 8am, a reasonably decent stretch of sleep. I woke up and my tounge is really sore, really really sore, my shoulders, both of them are incredibly sore, my left is far worse, Im not sure whats caused it. My stomach is feeling pretty horrible, Ive managed the loo this morning, first time in a few days. I went from diarrhoea to constipation overnight, my GP said about fecal loading yesterday. Ive never had so much  issue regarding going to the loo since I started the pain medication Im on now. It is a continual battle, trying to maintain a regularity. Then there is just peeing, I cant seem to get that sorted either, I cant start, I cant stop. Im seemingly doing better with that at the moment, since I stopped one of the medications Im on, interestingly the one that was supposed to help me actually come to a complete stop. I have a couple of abcesses that are in annoying spots, Im pretty sick of freaking abcesses at this point. Im not sure what it is, but something has caused them to get worse really suddenly.

I spoke to Dad last night and briefly this morning, also I spoke to my sister this morning. My  sister wants me to come down and pick her up and bring her home for a while today. As Im starting the new antipsychotic Im not 100% keen/confident on doing it, so Ive asked for a few hours to see how I go with the new med as I take it morning and night, last thing I need is to drive down, get messed up on way there or bad and have an accident. I dont think my sister was terribly happy that I didnt just jump at the idea of driving down. Its something that irritates me at the moment about her, if it doesnt go her way, for what ever reason, she seems to think that its something against her, like I dont want her to come home or I dont want to spend time with her, etc. Its not the reason but she cant accept that its simply that Im concerned about the new medication, which I think I have reasonable justification to be. I said to Dad last night about the need for Mum and him to talk. This way of relating to one another that they are doing is simply not working, it hasnt in the past and it doesnt now. They have never, as far as I remember, had great communication skills. It has always been, as far as Ive seen, Mum says and Dad must obey. However, Mum says that Dad often comes to her and tells her this and that, he has goes at her etc. But then he says no to another horse and she goes about organising one behind his back, its ok, she is going to pay for it. How dare he say what she can and cant do. So, what I witness is one thing, what Mum says happens is another and then what Mum does. It doesnt add up. The amazing thing is that Mum says Dad cant tell her what to do, that if she wants a horse she can have one. Which, I suppose is true, to an extent, I mean that is a very simplistic view. On the other hand, it the day to day she is constantly telling Dad what to do. But with the horse, she wont be able to do many things required to look after a horse. She cant even come down to the kitchen on a regular basis or even to get her own milk, toilet paper etc. How on earth does she look after a horse, no the expectation is Dad will pick up where she doesnt and where Dad says he wont do that, then there is an issue, why not, why cant you  support me in this?All the things Dads already doing to support her isnt enough, now she wants him to be responcible for her horse. Why can she tell him what to do but the opposite.

At this point, it would appear that the new medications started to affect me, Im really tired all the sudden. Im going to bed for a bit.

I woke up 3 hours later, I completely flaked out. I feel pretty woozy, just a bit unsteady. Im tired, but not. I hope this all passes quickly, I hope that I grow accustom to the side affects of the medication.

What I did say to both Mum and Dad is that their inability to communicate, their communicating via both my sister and I, this war that they have going on, is not just affecting them. That it is part of the reason my sister is in hospital and part of the reason I am heading that way. Of course Mum said that it was causing her to be on the edge and she is going to end up in hospital. The attitude that they have towards one another is bullshit, the tension is unbelievable, Dad couldnt understand why I felt the tension, what I meant. But you are always waiting for something to happen, for something to be said and next thing everything blows up. It doesnt even need to be something mean or meant to be hurtful, it is interpreted as having a hidden meaning or something. It amazes me how skepticle of other peoples motives people are, you cant just say what you mean, there is always a something behind what you are saying and you are never saying exactly what you mean. Which sometimes is true because if you say what you mean, if you're honest about how your feel and you're thoughts you're more often than not, cut down. The carry on, the political movements required within the family, the recounting of what is felt that someone said rather than what was said, I find is incredibly hard. Im, generally speaking, a person who says what he means, more so now I try to temper that and put it nicely, kindly, Im not always successful but I do try. Sometimes, I deliberately dont, sometimes its important to be direct, sometimes by tempering myself my message is lost or misconstrued.

Dad went and picked up my sister, I woke up and she was in town. I had really only expected that I would sleep an hour, maybe a little more, not 3 hours, so I was a little disappointed that she wasnt home when I got up. I might not be able to get down to see her in hospital etc but I still look forward to seeing her and I still care for her. She came home, Mum came down and Dad stopped for a while and we all sat around the dinning room table and it was actually pleasant.

Both my sister and I drink a fair bit of fluids, one being iced coffee, we recycle our bottles. I finish drinks and take the lid off and chuck that in my bag that I use as a bin. I put the bottles on the counter next to me and randomly move them to the recycling bins to be put out before they are taken in by Dad. Anyhow, when Mum came down she  noticed a couple of 2ltr iced coffee bottles and asked why I was drinking that shit? Before I replied, launched into her, my sister cut in and changed the conversation direction. Which was good, because I was going to be nice about it but I was going to be straight. For the most part, iced coffee is my weakness, I dont eat chips, I dont usually eat munchies, I do occassionally, I dont really eat out, I have donuts somewhat regularly, but for the most part iced coffee is it and the amount  varies but I would think 2ltrs a day is the average, too much, its a good part of why I am the weight I am. Not the only reason though. Anyhow, Mum will eat shit almost exclusively, chows down on Zooper Doopers all day, like lots a pack a day. Heaps of cheese sticks. Then most nights seafood salad, which is just crap mixed with seafood offcuts. She has put on quite a heap of weight, she might not be my size but she is on her way and her answer it to get Dad to spend a crap load more money on a sleeve revision, yet another surgery and the initial sleeve isnt her first weight loss surgery. So, from my point of view she doesnt have a leg to stand on, she can mean well, she can what ever but while she  is struggling herself, she cant be judgemental about my struggle, she cant condemn me for drinking iced coffee, she cant carry on about how my weight impacts my health and I should just change my habits as a result, especially given she wont do the same. FFS she is in heart failure and yes she has reduced how much she smokes, but she still smokes. She is only supposed to have 1.2ltrs of fluid a day, which just in Zooper Doopers she goes over, not to mention her cups of tea. So when you are sticking to you're medically prescribed limits and you're diet is all but flawless and you have completely changed your relationship with what you put down your mouth, then, then you can kindly ask if I want your help to improve my relationship, I still wouldnt accept your judgement though.

Ive blown up like a balloon again, I feel ginormus, my shirt only just gets over my gut, again I sans undies but I still feel so uncomfortable. I feel like I have put on 30kg from just above my knees to just below my neck. I feel quite on the aweful side, I feel so hot, its been hot all day, its night now and all the sudden Im hot. I have finished my course of antibiotics and even before it had I was getting new boils, today I have a number of new ones. I have the one under my arm and one on the top of my leg, both Ive had for a while now. I now have one on my my side, under my arm, almost directly below the other one under my arm. Then there is a couple on my pubis rise. Lastly one on the crease between my butt and leg. All of which are really annoying and incredibly frustrating. Because Im expanding they hurt more, they must stretch and that causes me to feel them more. Its a continual fight, me and boils. I cant seem to bring them to heel, hopefully the dermatologist can do something.

Im feeling pretty uncomfortable all round tonight, my back is pretty sore, my knees and legs ache pretty bad, as do my arms and hands. I have fair sized headache, coming from my neck, its pressure one. Out of curiosity I looked at the weather and its dropping 10degrees between tonight and tomorrow, then it goes back up and then it drops a huge amount and is raining. Since the procedures on my spine Ive found that rather than leading up to weather changes my back reacts to the actual change. I wonder if the rest of me is having the same thing, I mean there is arthritis all over the shop, amoungst other issues. My tounge pain is back, the numbing shit must be wearing off, so in a moment Ill do some more, its annoying as crap, I wish, like so many other things it could just be resolved not managed.

I didnt get anything, anywhere near what I wanted to get done, done today. I really wanted to get something done with the bankruptcy form today, but the new med knocking me out 1/2 way through the day put a damper on things. Im going to do some stuff with my diary, entering in doctors appointments, seeing if I can improve on what I have, I have a number of standard appointments that I want to be long appointments. I am forever going overtime, as you can imagine, there is a lot of shit to get through. I try to keep appointments to once a week, occassionally its two but I try to  minimise that. I mean my GP probably wouldnt have an issue, we would get shit sorted a bit quicker but I feel it would be a bit like I was dominating her time.

I just got up to go to the bathroom and I wasnt feeling 100% sitting down but didnt think much of it, when do I really feel 100% right, but I got up and I started walking and it was a really odd feeling, Im not sure I can put my finger on it. Its almost like things were slowing down, but it wasnt as if I was witnessing thing in more detail or more carefully. It was kinda like when I have the derealisation but without the disconnection, it was very much something didnt feel right. I am getting close to my next dose of medication so that might have something to do with it. Im sorta floating between being tired and ready for bed and pretty awake. I think that how uncomfortable I am is making me lean towards going to bed soon more than anything. There really isnt much of me that isnt in pain, sore or uncomfortable, hell even my tounge is sore, even for me thats strange. If Im asleep, for the most part I am no longer aware of any of that unless of course I wake up.

I went down and had a shower before, I had asked Mum to help with some Magnoplasm and my boils but by the time I got out the shower she was asleep, again. She had to be woken in the morning for her medication and now we had to wake her for her  tablets at night, she goes on about leaving home and living on her own, having a horse, this and that but seriously she cant even manage to make sure she is awake to take her medication and I just dont see that as being a hard thing. She says she doesnt wake up to an alarm, but I bet she does, she just wakes up, turns it off and goes back to sleep because she doesnt want to get up, she would rather sleep than do much else and thats fine, but dont blame the rest of us for not having your medication.

I just got up to get my night meds and I realised why my legs are so sore, I havent had my diuretics this morning, I ran out and I wasnt able to get to the chemist this morning, Ive been in a couple times in last couple days but keep forgetting them, so it my own damn fault. I might have to steal a couple from Mum tomorrow and Monday until  the chemist is open again. I literally walked to my room, got my meds out  of my safe and walked back and my back hurts bad, really bad. I didnt take any extra pain meds, Im going to try to sleep without them. Mum forgot to get a script for hers, so Im doing my best not to need mine so I can let her have some of mine. Mum and I cross over on some of our meds, normally we are reasonably good at making sure we have sufficent, it just so happens we have both screwed up and we can save each others bacon on a long weekend.

Im struggling with keeping cool, its not hot, I know its not hot but I keep getting really warm. I just checked my tempreture and its up a bit, not a massive amount but its up. My BP is up but in acceptable range, probably the higher range but ok. I do have to keep an eye on it because I tend to get high blood pressure and it does tend to get really high and I have to make sure its not so high I need to go to hospital.

Dad has been asleep in the lounge, he was supposed to be watching TV but apparently doing a shit job of that. He came into the kitchen and mumbled about some crap, trying to work outifhehad slept in there through the night, which I assured him he didnt. He  was standing in the kitchen and said that its freezing in here. I told him I was hot, as I am and that I had a tempreture. He then proceded to call me a variety of versions of weird. Given that I have an open wound on my groin from surgery(hence keeping an eye on my temp) you would think that he may consider me having a tempreture, even a slight one, as something to be concerned about. No Im weird. I just checked my tempreture again and its gone up some more, so Im not exactly tired at the moment so I will keep an eye on it and I will check it when I wake up during the  night as Im sure I will, if it gets too high Ill have to do something about it. I really hope that it settles on its own, I dont want to go back to hospital, Ive had enough of any ER, any hospital, every doctors clinic, all  of it. I  do however know that it is deep in my groin, where its hard to keep clean etc.

Im not sure whats going on, its 1am I did have a nap this morning/afternoon, so that might be it but I really thought I should be asleep by now, atleast pretty tired but Im not. Normally, Id have gone to bed and woken up around now but not tonight. I suppose it could be this new antipsychotic, which would be pretty annoying. I have a shit sleep cycle to begin with and now its being turned upside down yet again.

Ive been redoing my medical information document for my phone, its more elaborate than before, in that I have my allergies and other important info that I didnt have before. A few interesting things did come up, one is that I have mild spinal stenosis, it is where pressure is put on the spinal cord and the nerves within it, which kinda helps me make a bit more sense of things that have been going on. I mean I knew what was happening, I was experiencing it but I didnt understand why.

I bite my nails, not like most people do, I chew down until almost nothing is left. Im not exaggerating by that either a few of my fingers currently have about 3mm of finger nail left. For some reason its been worse than normal lately, typically I dont I dont let it get that far out of control but here we are. It only really stopped because its my lower front left tooth part way through a root canal and things went pear shaped with that. Now they have temporarily fixed things but that tooth, along with the gap between the two front teeth where my tooth had broken have been filled in and the filling has been rounded smooth, making biting my nails really hard. Even before I broke my tooth, there was a gap which made biting my nails quite easy, thats gone too, there is almost no gap at all. Wiith any luck I suppose that will be the end of my nail biting, who knows.

I dont know what it is exactly that has sparked my keenness to deal with my acne, Im also reasonably tempted to deal with all my skin tags but probably not. Ive had acne and boils as long as I remember, I have tried a dermatologist before but I had a thing about taking meds at the time, now days who cares about more meds. I think Im sick of the boils and the pain from them, Im in enough pain, I dont need something else, even if its minor, to add to the pain Im already in. But also, I am sick of feeling gross, a giant puss ball just wandering around the place. So hopefully they and eliminate both boils and acne and solve both reasons why Im trying to do something about them.

Finally, Im getting tired. Its 1:30am, though daylight savings ends (or starts I never know) tonight so its 2:30am new time.

[ClockFace]

I went to bed, feeling tired, around 3:30am an hour later I had given up trying to sleep. I got into bed and just tossed and turned. I wasnt neccessarily thinking or anything like that, I dont even think I was having trouble switching off. I dont know what it was, I just couldnt go to sleep. It was incredibly frustrating and now I dont really feel that tired. I could  do with sleeping but its not like my eyes are falling out of  my head.

I am trying to hold onto who I am or atleast who I feel I am, the person I think of as myself. Thats really when I think about myself the person I was before my brief psychotic episode. I might not 100% love the person I was before that happened there were a lot of qualities that I did like, that I no longer posses. I dont look back at the person before the episode as me exactly, more so as a completely seperate person, as if I was born anew when the brief psychotic episode happened. That before that event, I was my parents son they knew and now I was a new person claiming to be their son, looking  and acting similar to their son but some key features, the way I think, the way I talk, the way I interact with them and even others was different.

Before my brief psychotic episode I was getting promoted often at work, I had moved into a role I had been working towards for a number of years, I was well respected, hard working, switched on, driven. I really enjoyed  my job, I loved the company I worked for, I had no problem starting early and/or finishing late to get things done or just because it would help. After the for sake of writing BPE, I still loved the company I worked for, they had stood by me while I was off sick, though I was sent back to my old role, effectively demoted. I lost the role I had been working towards and they made it clear I that opportunity was now gone. I enjoyed the job I had gone back to, but it wasnt the same, Id tasted something I really wanted and that was gone, it made my old role taste somewhat bitter. My role has varied a bit over time, I was given a few simple tasks, time consuming tasks that needed to be done but they didnt take much thought, they didnt challenge me at all. After a while some of those tasks were taken from me and given to others, the idea being that we needed to have more than one person capable of doing a task, makes sense but I was never given tasks to compensate for the loss of those taken, so I felt like I had little ownership over set of tasks, they would give me this and that when I asked but I was often left with little or nothing to do. It made me feel like they were trying to encourage me to leave or were just placating me. I found it hard to be paid to work and not to have tasks to complete. It became worse when my sisters issues arose and I was in and out of the business, then of course I was encouraged to go onto SCI due to my sisters situation and my health. I dont know what I will be returning to. I was keeping the business informed of my progress but was kinda encouraged to stop. I got some more positive news, some news that indicated that things could start to move forward and I might get some results, so I sent an email to my team leader and team manager and I feel like I was just fobbed off. So, I really dont know whats going to happen when/if I try to return to work. Thats a bit off topic. Since the BPE the I try to be hard working but Im far less driven, Im aware that Im not going to be promoted further, Im stuck where I am or I will be sent back to the phones, which they tried but reversed a couple years ago. Im far less switched on, intelligence wise Im nothing on what I used to be. I wasnt an Einstein but I was fairly well above average. The pre-BPE me would look at the new me and consider me to be a bit of an idiot, unintelligent, at best average. I said similar to my Dad recently and he admitted that even he can see that Im not nearly as intelligent as I was before the BPE.

Before the BPE I wasnt exactly a social butterfly, I had a period where I was heavily involved in a church and was very active socially within it as well. However, for the most part, I could work with people at work, I got on well with them, I wasnt live in each others pockets friends but as co-workers go, I was close with a number. After BPE, I struggled more and more, eventually I was finding it increasingly difficult to just be around people at work in general. I had to wear headphones for the majority of the day, while not taking/making phone calls, with music going to try and distance myself from all the people in the node I  was in. With Covid I was able to start working from home, which suited me much more, when staff started to return to the office after Covid passed I was able to remain working from home due to medical requirements. I dont know if thats going to be permitted when I return to work, but I do hope so. With my mental health conditions it does make it much easier for me to cope and perform.

I cant say that I have been fantastic with money through out most my life. Mum says that when I was a kid I was really good at saving, but I would argue that where we lived there was effectively nothing to spend money on outside of what was provided by Mum and Dad. This was before anything of the technological age. I was never allowed to eat much in the way of junk food, particularly chocolate. Mum has always had it in her head that chocolate is the primary cause of my migranes, which of course its not, but  used that when I was a kid etc. to prevent me eating it. It wasnt until I got a license, job and car that I had the ability and freedom to buy things I wanted with minimal oversight and imposed restriction. I get that as a kid Mum might have been trying to help, to teach us etc but providing pocket money and then deciding what it could be used for, almost to the point that we would need to get permission to spend it, didnt actually teach us money management, it didnt help us learn about temptation and making the right choices etc.

Mum and to a lesser extent Dad tell me and reiterate over and over how bad I am with money. That said, she also says that everytime Dad is in charge of the money it goes to shit, though she spends as she wants, the budget isnt adheared to and Mum tells Dad not to be so cheap when it comes to my sister and/or my Mum (before she decided she cant leave her room) would spend money on my sister from the household funds. If thats not happening my sister is doing the shopping and would bill Dad, the shopping budget was simply not adhered to, Dad was out of touch with the budget and it cost more than tht to run a household, so it was ignored, the fact thats all he had to spend on it didnt matter. Add to that Mum was apparently telling my sister to buy stuff for her, my sister would pay and then seek to get reimbursed from Dad. My Mum always spoke highly of my sisters financial acumen, which is interesting given the above but add to this that my sister took money from my Mums account without her knowledge, then overtime took several thousand more from her. My parents think that she effectively kept tens of thousands of dollars from their investment into her house when she sold it. Trying to get an actual figure on what she has taken from my parents is hard, she wont provide statements and they dont have adequate records and information but its between $50k-$90k, not taking into account all the money tthat they have just handed over as gifts etc. Unbelievably and I really struggle with this, my sister has spent all that money, she is broke and now relying on her DSP only, she is again in hospital but even before that. Between Mum and Dad they have been helping her get by, kind of. When I have needed help to get by its been for primarily medical needs or at least as a result of them, I dont go buying things, things I dont really need. I live as meekly as I can, I live under their roof mainly to help keep costs low so I can afford to repay my debt as rapidly as possible. I do spend money on stuff I dont really need, like food wise, smokes etc. but my sister has spent hundreds probably well over thousands on hand bags since she started getting help from my Dad. Then there is everything she has bought from Spotlight and OfficeWorks, mostly in the name of helping her mental health. I havent heard it direct but Dad keeps repeating her apparently saying Dont you care about my mental health? She has spent heaps of his money while she has been in hosptial, from what I can interpret its expected. She tells Dad to take her to a particular shop and just chucks whatever into the trolley, no matter how much it is and just expects Dad to pay. Its not so much that Dad is helping her, its not even after all the money she has just taken from them he continues to help her, its that it is done with the knowledge that she wont be able to repay any of it. Her income, when she is living within her means, is just enough for her to get by. She cant afford to make repayments to them. However, me Im going bankrupt, Im still repaying them outside the bankruptcy. I owed my sister $2k (apparently) before she went into hospital the first time and when it was thought I might not be paying that back to her, shit got real. She borrowed some of that money I owed her from Mum, effectively transferring the money I owed her to me owing  it to Mum. Then there was the money used of hers to support her while she was in hospital the first time. It was intended that I would apply for a grant through a foundation at work to cover this. I needed some inforamation from my sister to make that application however I never got it, no matter how often I asked. Eventually, the window for this application to be made closed. I had made everyone well aware that this was going to happen, only Dad admits that I did this. I also made everyone aware that the time had passed again, Dad is the only one who admits this happend. The shit storm that came about one night when after many arguments about the $2k my sister attempted to claim the other money from me and I refused. The end result is that I/Dad were to blame for her not getting this money.

Anyhow, before the BPE I was living on my own, I managed my bills, food etc. I went to work. I did it all on my own. I didnt always live like a king, in fact most the time I didnt but I was generally happier living out of home than at home. I was free. I remember times where I ate egg on bread for tea or noodles for days at a time because I couldnt afford anything else for tea. I didnt make a huge amount of money but I did make it stretch. I had a big issue with my electricity bill, quarterly it was much higher than it should have been for one person in a flat. After my BPE, things went sour but in my defence I was moved to my parents investment property, where I struggled financially. I was on SCI and my income was really low. I also wasnt of anything close to resembling a sound mind. I didnt pay rent, I couldnt tell you if I paid my other bills, I assume I did as nothing got turned off. However, at no point did neither my Mum or Dad come to me and help, did they come and try and work with me to make sure I was able to pay my rent. I  remember Dad coming and having a go at me, but for the life of me I couldnt work it out. Anyhow, they allowed me to get to something like $10k of back rent and then made me move in with them. I was then forced to take on that debt and repay it to them as quickly as possible, with basically no regard to my wants or needs, including things that would have helped me with my mental health. I also recently learned that Dad had insurance but it was too hard to do a claim given I was his son. From there my financial position just became increasingly worse. Id pay money back and then have to borrow money again for a car or for a medical expense etc. I dont know how much money I have had to borrow over the years but I have repaid pretty much all of it. I have around $20k that I owe now, which is for Dad paying me a salary while I looked after my sister in hospital the first time and medical expenses. To be honest, I feel pretty let down by my Dad that he is making me wear that cost on my own. Its like the whole having insurance and chosing not to use it and lumping your very sick child with it.

I dont think, in general, I do to bad with my salary. I think a lot of the issue is the amount of time off I have, Im in pain alot and before I went off work at the begining of the year I was on minimal pain medication. It wasnt until I had the procedures on my spine that went pear shaped that I was put on the higher strength pain medication and I had access to the short term pain medication that I do. Before, I could get the short term pain medication on occassion but I had to be in a hell of a lot of pain before they would give it to me, I couldnt get them to have on hand for when I was in pain, I had to be in a crap load of pain, get an appointment, get to the appointment, get the script filled, then I could finally take them and get some relief. The thing is that even with pain medication, when my back would be painful enough for pain meds and now days, they didnt actually resolve my pain. They reduced it, but generally not enough that I could work. I might be functional for a couple of hours but waiting for it to start working and it fading away the pain would increase and I would need to lay down. Now days I often need to lay down, I dont often sit for long periods, Im up and down. The pain isnt treated as simply as taking a pill and Im ready to roll. In addition to this, as we can now very clearly show, Im overall not a particularly well person so there is a good reason why I had a fair amount of time off for being generally sick. Then there is quite a lot of doctors appointments, Im having heaps now but its not new that I would have a fair number of doctors appointments. There has been specialist appointments, procedures, all sorts. This has cost me quite a hell of a lot just in lost income, this past financial year lost income was a massive amount. Granted there is lost income from looking after my sister in hospital but Ive had heaps of medical requirements to attend to. This year its 9 procedures in 9 months, last year I lost count but it was a lot. I have regular procedures like I have 2 a year just for my bladder cancer, I have regular colonoscopies but they have gone to every 5 years after the last one which is a relief. I dont know whats going to happen with my spine, if I am going to have further procedures, I dont even know if there is any procedures that they can do to help. My shoulder, Im going to talk to my GP and see if atleast they will do another cortizone injection and see if that works, maybe it didnt hit the spot last time. Failing that, maybe that will need a surgery to resolve. Id really like it if they did something, the pain isnt getting better, its another one of those things that I feel like it could be resolved, like surgery and recovery could fix it but cortizone is what they do. Dad has helped with loans for procedures and appointments, Ive had no choice at times Ive had so many of both within short periods of time and money only stretches so far. Some specialists cost nearly as much as the gap for a procedure. Medical costs for one issue adds up, I had an MRI, an appointment and then a bone scan in the space of about a week, it was like $1000 out of pocket. When you have multiple issues, it adds up so much quicker.

With all the medical conditions change is just inevitable. Pain forces change upon you, I have had a goal that I wouldnt allow pain to make me become bitter and hard and for most of it, I would say it hasnt. I have done well I think to make sure that I havent become bitter though I have probably become a little hard but I think things like how my family used to talk about my pain, how I dealt with it. I had to become hard, I had to become self reliant able to stand alone. That just doesnt just go for pain but many of my illnesses. Ive had to have boundries and protect myself, even from my family, especially from my family they have never wanted to accept my limitations.

More than physical health, mental health after the BPE really forced change upon me. Fear like I had never known before invaded my life, what triggered me, it would make me stop and avoid anything that might be a trigger, I was terrified of having anothe BPE. So much so that I allowed psychiatrist to prescibe and I took whatever medication they did, even when it caused me to be nothing more than a zombie. I would rather be a zombie than experience what I had gone through again. Often, when things are difficult, I wish for the time when I had such high doses of medication that I barely registered as human, it would be so much easier to just exist and not know any better than live, with the knowledge I have. Im better than I was, I dont let it rule my life but it still innfluences my life regularly. It happens with pain as well, I dont do some stuff because of the fear that it will put me in more pain than I was, pain that I didnt nesseccary need to be in. My depression is worse and harder to deal with. The feeling of being trapt inside my body due to pain and illnss but now in my mind due to my mental health, then I was eventually moved in with my parents and sister and it was complete, I was trapt in mind, body and circumstances. Living with them was hard, they didnt understand my situation, they didnt understand why I was the way I was now, having lived alone for over a decade didnt help the situation. I had developed ways, coping mechanisms, etc and they didnt gel in the new environment, particularly where they had lived together for most of that time and were set in their ways too, integrating another person into this wasnt easy either. I have never felt, particularly since moving back with them, that I was truely part of the family. They had developed together without me and me without them. They were no longer the same as before I left, the dynamic had changed dramatically and I didnt have a place within this and pretty much still dont. Im a third party son, not really part of the family but part of it none the less. Being around peope, my family, groups and crowds became increasingly difficult. The noise of people, their expectations of me, simply just dealing with what was going on in my mind and their babble was/is overwhelming. I never had an issue with responcibility but all the sudden I was shying and still do, away from anything that resembles responcibiliy. Im not 100% sure why, but I dont want it, I have difficulty with the responcibilities I have, that I must have. The fight, the willpower I used to have is gone, Im trying to do better in this regard, but so much of my response to things, particularily things that need to change is that I cant, its too hard, I do it that way to cope, I have ways about me to manage life and situations that without them I cant. Smoking for instance, one of the reasons, a big reason I dont give up smoking is that its a tool, it helps me put an advert into the chaos as it were. Like a time out or an intermission, it stops what is happening, it lets my mind take a second to catch up, to have a break. Thats why it has such a hold on me, why I smoke so much as often as I do. A lot of what I do is pretty repetative, I have a pink donut in the morning, pretty much every morning, its what I do. I have certain coles pre-packaged meals that I eat for tea, its what I do. If Im having a sandwich, it Nutella pretty well exclusively. I drink iced coffee, particularly when I wake up, as I am up and down quite a bit I go through a fair bit of iced coffee. Having a range of structured things I do, depending on certain events helps me manage life or at least my interactions with it. Even with smoking, a lot of the time Im having a smoke because its time, an event has happened or is happening so that neccessitates a smoke. Ive woken up, Ive made my tea and waiting for to cool and so forth. This is where I get worried about my diabeties, how and can I change my ways with what I eat and what I drink. I mean I have to, there really isnt a choice, I have to change things, if I dont I could lose a foot or worse. Not making the changes regarding my food and my lifesytle isnt really any option.

The stuff with my back and shoulder, just adding the excersises from physio into my routine is proving a challenge. Despite all my problems with my teeth I cant get into and stay in a routine where I am brushing my teeth. If there are more things I need to do for my back with the new diagnosis to help manage that, Im not sure how I will go with that. There are a lot of changes coming up and potentially coming up and the physical changes themselves arent the primary issue, its how the changes affect me on the managing my day to day, how they make me feel in relation to being a 100 year old in a 43 year old body, how I feel about being disabled, Ive been disabled for years but its been a matter of your in pain but we're not really sure what exactly is causing the amount of pain your in but we believe you regardless kind of thing. Like they couldnt point to a particular thing and say this is your issue. I mean now they can, while they have been able to definatively prove that I have certain issues, they are still finalising things, treatments etc. As much as I knew I was disabled, as much as I am in pain, somethings different now, its not exactly hit me, as I say things arent exactly firm, my GP has told me the high level but the details and treatment plan Im waiting on the neurosurgeon. I think once he and I talk things will hit me differently, they will weigh on me in a different way, like I am really disabled, medically they can identify the cause of my disability, its not a theory like facet joint disease or sacroiliac joint disfunction, an issue that only treating confirms the diagnosis. It is something that can be actually seen on a scan of some description. I dont think any of my family have caught onto how this is affecting me, they havent even considered that I might take the news poorly. There was a brief moment of relief, a moment where finally they know that there is actually something wrong with me. That rapidly turned to, there really is something wrong with me, they cant fix it, I have to deal with this for life.

I miss the person I was before the BPE, there are aspects of the person Ive am now that I really like, that I think have been really good for me to aquire and develop. There are things that I have lost along the way that I wish I hadnt. I dont regret the person I have become, primarily because on a whole I dont have an issue with who I am. Thats not to say I like every aspect of me, that I like my psychiatric issues, but a general rule the person I am, the person I am at the core, that person I believe in and he is trying to do the right thing and I cant regret becoming that person. The other side is I dont believe we should regret who we have become, we are a product of our experiences, both good and bad experiences. I hate some things that have happened to me, how I was treated by some of the kids at school for instance, but that has contributed to me being the person I am today. Being of the understanding that I dont regret who I am, that I accept that I am the best me I can be considering the experiences of my life, then while I may hate what happened I cant really regret them because that would be to regret what made me who I am. If you took away those experience that were in anyway negative then the person who is left would be radically different to the person I am and maybe not for the better, I might not be as caring and understanding as I am. I might not be able to relate to people like I do and so forth. Even if I were to take away the bullying and abuse at school, even if it were replaced as me being one of the popular kids, that doesnt mean I would have done any better or worse at school, that I would have achived more in life, even that I would be happier throughout life or I wouldnt have suffered from my mental health issues. It might be the worst period of my life, its a contender but there has been a number of really difficult times in my life, if I took one away on the consideration that it was my worst experience, there are plenty of other experiences that would be happy to take its place as my worst experience and the way I viewed that experience might change and this in itself might have a major influence on my life. You cant pick and chose the experiences that you want to have in your life, the ones that affect you, the ones that influence your life. Life choses this for us, life takes from it what it wants to and we are subject to learning and growing from the experiences it choses. Thats the best explaination of what I see as happening. From the moment we are born some things have varying degrees of influence over us and from my point of view we are not involved in this decision, as we get older we have more influence over things, we can chose to decide what we focus on. If we focus on a negative thing that happened, then that thing will have a greater affect on us, same with the positive things. However, for a greater extent, we arent involved in what is decided will be of influence in our life, what will become apart of what makes us, us.

I didnt sleep at all last night, I got about 5 hours during the day, I had a break in the middle though, so Im pretty tired. With all the things wrong me, I get tired easily anyhow, then throw in that I dont regularly sleep more than a few hours, my sleep it pretty irratic, more so of late with the new antipsychotic Ill admit, but normally its not ideal. To an extent Im kind of used to it, I dont mean I now function well on little sleep, but more so I have accepted it and just do the best I can with what Ive got. From the response of doctors, thats the best I can hope for, they dont appear at all inclined to treat the sleep issues. Its 8:30pm, Ive went up to have a shower and ended up talking with Mum, not my intention at all, I just wanted to have a shower and be on my way. Some of what I have written above came up in the conversation, some more home truths about how I learnt to deal with my hallucinations etc. For instance, there wasnt any real internet like we know it, information was scarce. My psychiatrist at the time I didnt like much at all, he was little help, his answer to most things was more medication, hence I ended up being pretty much a zombie. I had to get myself out of that. Turns out his diagnosis was not one that is recognised by almost anyone but him. My current psychiatrist said that it flatly didnt exist. So I trained myself how to deal with them, how to identify that I was hallucinating, that what I was seeing, hearing or feeling was not legitimate. I dont know if I do it the right way, but it generally works for me. Once you train yourself to realise that what your hearing, seeing, feeling isnt real, its easier to lable the experience correctly. That for me makes it easier to endure, they dont go away, I had screaming from hell, tens of thousands of souls, for four months, all day, every day, if I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, they were there, it was constant and I knew it was all illigitimate, I knew within a short period of time that what I was experiencing wasnt real and it made no difference to if I experienced it, it did however make a difference to how I experienced it. I still got incredibly frustrated by it, I still struggled with the constant sound, I struggled with the guilt that they were there and I wasnt or that I was being called to join them, the later more common. I still had days where I got grumpy and try as I might I would not be a pleasant person to be around at home. Where it was possible, I would have headphones on, playing full volume, metal of just about every kind. However, for the majority of it, I was aware it was just fictional sound, it was a creation of my mind. I could identify it, label it and put it in a box. By doing that I became in control, I decided who was the master. It was a fight, it would escape for periods of time but in the end, it was me who was the boss, in the end the torment stopped, at least for a while, its a reoccuring hallucination.

We talked about other stuff, I think Mum likes to chose to blame others for where shes at, because she knows where she is at isnt the best place for her, that if she made the choice she could improve where shes at, it would just be really difficult and she doesnt want to do that, she has decided that she cant do it, that its too hard so its easier to blame everyone else for where shes at. She was saying how my sister wouldnt let her do this and that, I turned to her and said that there was plenty she and my sister, to a lesser extent my Dad said I couldnt do, I still did it if I believed it was the right thing to do or if they didnt have a right to stop me. Dont get me wrong, if they were giving me advise I would take in into consideration and I am talking as an adult, but at the end of the day I was responsible for what I did or didnt do. I was involved in a church quite heavily, Mum would try and get me to spend time with them when she was aware I was already committed to being at church. She would argue and make a fuss but I had made a committment, I had decided that at certain times I would be doing church related things and she was aware of that. I continued to chose to do the church things over spending time with them. It wasnt chosing the church over them, they were chosing to impose a decision upon me that wasnt fair, I had been clear about what I needed, if its short notice these are the days and times, if you give me greater notice I can and will make other arrangements. But I wont just not turn up to a meeting, where I have said I will be there and have duties I have agreed to perform with basically no notice leaving them short because you want me to prove to you that you are more important than church. I didnt do what she wanted, what my sister wanted, even with massive pressure, massive guilt trips and manipulation, I still stood by my word to the church and, they will never recognise it, to them. To clarify, I am no longer involved in any church, in any way.

I had bloated and swelled huge again, it seems to be a night time thing. I thought it might be food related so I had a donut last night and became huge, I had a donut this morning and nothing, then tonight comes and Im a baby whale again. Im smaller than what I was but still enlarged. Being a big guy, my stomach hangs over my waist, when I sit it rests on my thighs but just, currently its resting much further down and I can feel that I am clearly swollen, just not as much as I was. When I was down with Mum, I was in a towel as I was going to have a shower, without showing her anything I didnt want to show my Mum, I lowered the towel enough to expose my pubis rise. Its not as weird as it sounds. I cant see it, there is too much gut in the way, nor could I bend to be able to see it regardless. Anyhow, what I wanted her to check was if there was a mass of boils over it, it felt like there was, but was it one big one, a series of small ones, a mixture or was it a group all kinda packed together. Mum looked and she winced in pain, for me not her, it was a large group of boils sorta massed together across the area, which is pretty much what it felt like but I didnt really want to believe it. It is really not a pleasant thing to have, it hurts but I have kinda grown accustom to it. Mum was really suprised when I told her that they came up since midday yesterday, that they were only 24hrs old, they seem to be growing incredibly fast, much faster than they used to, not to mention that they are far more common, far more regular than they ever have been. It concerns me that something has changed and what is it that has changed. It willbe interesting when I go to get my wound checked on Tuesday, given the location of the wound they will see the boils. Ive not said it in the past, I might have alluded to it but where it is means that Im pretty well exposed when they are dealing with my wound, half the time they or I are having to move things about to allow access to the wound properly. Ive never seen myself as an attractive person, I wouldnt suggest I have anything to be overly impressed with, I dont personally care it performs its function. However, we grew up in a household where we were taught not to be ashamed of our bodies, that said Im not going to run around naked to make a point. I am reasonably modest, when I used to go swimming, then I am wearing shorts and a shirt, I wouldnt even be seen outside our house in a sleeveless top. However, I have had more than my fair share of medical need to have my pants down for doctors. At 19 years of age I had to have surgery in that region, it was done in the town I grew up in, the nurses involved some of them were parents of girls in my class at school. I knew nothing would be said, but still it wasnt the least embarrassing thing. Some years ago I had a cancer scare which involved removing a lymph node from my groin, this came with a complication where the wound would drain huge amounts of fluid constantly. The number of people that saw everything during this period. I have bladder cancer, to check if I have a reoccurance, a new tumor they have to get a camera into your bladder, that goes through your urethra, again lots of people and your exposed. Now Ive had surgery in the groin to deal with this boil, I have to have that looked at and I was having the dressing changed, not needed now but I still have to have it checked regularly. For the most part Im seeing nurses that dealt with the lymph node issue, there is a new one there though and fresh doctors. I dont know why, but I didnt really want my new GP to be apart of the viewing gallery however that has now happened, it was the first time in a long time I was a bit weird about things. Its not that she is overly attractive, I mean she isnt unattractive, but I dunno, it was just something I was hoping to avoid. I feel like when doctors see your parts, its the first thing that comes to mind is an image of them. Probably not, its not like they are haunted by them, but I think I didnt want to do that to her, I like her, she is a good doctor and she looks after me, she goes the extra mile for me so I didnt want her to have the thing of seeing my very obese body, laying on a bed, commpletely exposed. I am and have been for quite a long time, very over the embarrassment of being exposed, in a medical environment at least, even with the increase in body size, I have put on like 50 or 60kg since I was 19 I would think. I can only think that medical people are less judgemental in my mind at least, who knows what they are thinking when they look at me, but they dont say anything, they remain polite and if they do judge they dont say anything. My GP has and will say that we (her and I) need to address my weight, she says it nicer, she has a really good way of saying that I need to lose weight, but its always that we have to do that together, its never that I am on my own in doing that. Also, its not that I have to do that now, that I have to start losing weight now, its more a matter of I need to get some education and skills, then we work together to impliment them. Its a far different approach to what Ive had in the past, in the past its been more on me to work it out alone. Like, Ive seen a dietitian before who gave me a plan, not the skills to develop them, but the plan was pretty expensive and didnt work with how I eat. Its not much point giving me a meal plan thats 5 small meals over the couse of the day when I barely eat 2 small meals now. It would make sents to work towards the goal of eating more meals over the course of the day. The other side is that it has to be affordable and something I can achieve. I went shopping today, I literally went up one isle and down the other and I was in so much pain that I nearly collasped, I only just made it to the car before I couldnt go any further. I had to sit in the car for a bit and let my back calm down before I could drive.

Its just gone midnight, while I did sleep during the day, I was really tired afterward, I was dosing for a while after I woke up but chose not to go back to bed because I wanted to sleep tonight. Apparently, well atleast at this stage, it would appear unlikely that sleep and I are going to meet tonight, I feel very much awake. That said Dad and I have been speaking for a while and Mum and I were speaking for a long time before that, so my mind is a bit more stimulated than typical. Ive also just had my tea, so it will be a while after that before Im wanting to go to bed anyhow. Once tea has settled I think Ill probably lay down even if Im not completely geared towards sleep. I was in so much pain when I went shopping today that I stuck to meals and liquids, I didnt get anything sweet or icecream. I dont know what it is of late, but Ive had a thing for good quality icecream. I dont eat much, far less than typical icecream but I enjoy it more. Its more expensive but far more satisfying.

[ClockFace]

I went to bed around 1am and actually fell asleep, I woke up a bit before 4am needing desperately to go to the loo. Dad came out of his room moments after I got to the toilet. I thought it was weird, that we both needed to pee at the same time in the middle of the night. Turns out that one of the guys from his where he worked before he retired had called him at 3am. This guy sadly has some significant issues as a result of drug use and abuse of medication however he took a shine to Dad when they worked together. I always found it a bit odd that a person with these sorts of issues, clear mental health issue, etc would take such a liking to my Dad of all people. Dad, in my experience is not a great person to chose to have as someone helping you with your mental health struggles, but for whatever reason this guy made a connection with my Dad, one neither my sister or I have ever been able to make. Anyhow, he had apparently called my Dad at 3am asking for help, he was having car trouble and needed some money, I dont know how much but Dad has transferred the money to him. There is an issue however, the bank Dad is with doesnt use OSKO and the money hadnt transferred over to him. I went through how it works without OSKO, being that I work for a bank this is information Im actually aware of. He ha had a few messages from the guy but not for a while so he is hoping the money has gone through now. I think its a bit odd that a non-family member feels that they can reach out to Dad at 3am and ask for money, for whatever reason. I think its weirder that Dad has gone ahead and transferred money to him, I dont know how much it was but given the issues have with money, the issues we have with Dad giving/lending money to my sister and or I, I find it odd that he would just give this guy money. From what I know about  him, it couldnt be a loan, not one that is seriously expected to be repaid, this guy couldnt be trusted to do that. It also indicates to that this isnt the first time he has given him money, I mean you do  ring someone at 3am asking for money without past experiences that make you feel like it  is acceptable to do so. This guy that Dad met through work, with significant mental health issues seems to have a better relationship with Dad despite these issues, despite issues that Dad has taken exception with me about (I have had my battles with drugs and alcohol at times in my life). I dunno, its like you have a son and you lend him money, he must pay it back but some guy you met through work you can give him money with no strings. It like he can donate to a few charities but he cant give Mum pocket money, this is prior to her getting the pension. Its this appearance of being "good" and doing "good" but at home, behind closed doors, he helps but often with a fair bit of grizzling and needing a bit of coercing. I dont want to come across as being jealous or something, its more that I wish he looked us the same way as he looks at those outside the home. That I dunno, our issues were as real to him as those he knows through work. There was a young girl that Dad was dancing partner with when he was learning to dance, when he was living alone near the city and my Mum and sister were still in our home town due to work. Dad and I spoke about  it recently and he thought she just needed  friend. why couldnt you be  that for your daughter? I know that there is history that is brought up as often as it can be, but its so often that he can do things or be what we ask him to be for others and not for us. Like this guy withthe mental health issues, Dad spends time with him, he seems to provide support to him and is there shen he needs him, but I have to beg for the same, I have to wait until its convienient for him, this guy, Dad is just there for him. It might be wrong of me but its like he is trying to portray himself as a good christian, being charitable and everything but to me, that starts at home being a good father. If he can provide random people, people not of his blood, with the emotional support and the friendship we have been asking for, for most out lives, how come he cant do the same for us, how come its such a challenge to just be  there for us. For me, I have to question why he can have such understanding and compassion for a guy who struggles with addiction issues so much but when I have struggled with the same I am condemned and treated as a failure, so much so that Dad cant help, he cant talk with me, he cant even be a significant part of my treatment

I have redone my medical information document for my phone, it has a fair bit more information than the old one, its as much for medical personel as it is for me now, it will be easier for me to remember what specialist I am using for what, their phone number and the business name. I have quite a few specialist as you can imagine and keeping track of them can be difficult. I have some I see regularly and others every few years. Ive got family history for my parents but I want to go to the next level at least and have the history of my grandparents. I know my Mums Mum had a triple bypass and that smoking was a big reason why, but what the actual reason was Im not sure. Mum has Hypertropic Cardiomyopathy which is hereditory and I assume that this came from her Mum, but I want to check and I want to make sure theres not more to it. I often get asked, well you know what I mean and I dont really know, Im not  one to remember that sorta stuff. My sister on the other hand could probably tell you the date they were first diabnosed. Its now 7am and I think shortly that Im going to go back to bed, at least for a while. My sister is planning on coming up today and it would be nice that I didnt feel the need to sleep the whole time she is here.

I just realised something, I drink quite a bit, which is somewhat common knowledge. I dont tend to  drink a huge  amount of water, its boring and Im not a fan of the taste. There is one bottled water I like, its actually somewhat inexpensive in comparrison to other brands. The problem that I can  only really get it in bulk and its too heavy for me to pick up a pack of 20 bottles, its not fair to ask Dad to do it either because 1/2 the time he isnt much better than me. Anyhow, I drink a lot. Im on medication to help with fluid retention which means I pee a lot or atleast more than normal. I also take laxatives, which work by  drawing in more moisture from the body into the colon (that area anyhow) to help things move along. So, its no wonder I drink as much as I do, with all this fluid going through escape routes, if I didnt drink as much as I do, Id probably dehydrate. One of the things I do drink regularly is Poweraid, the purple one, I dont mind the  grape Gatorade but I can get the purple poweraid in 1.5ltr pretty inexpensively. But I drink it to help stay hydrated. I dont drink like litres a day but I drink a reasonable amount of it to help.

Talking of Dad and being not much better than me, he had X-Rays the other day on his knees. I cant remember him telling me that he was doing that but I remember  him having an appointment. However, he told me that the results came in and he needs a knee replacement pretty soon on one knee and the other would follow pretty well straight after. He wasnt going to tell me and has asked I dont tell  anyone, he doesnt plan on doing anything about it. Partly I think because the family, in his  eyes and potentially correctly, cant afford him to be out of action while he heals from them. I think the other part is he doesnt want to have to deal with the whole healing from the surgery, he doesnt do well with any of that. He doesnt want anyone to know though because he doesnt think anyone will care and that I understand. The number of times I have told my Mum and sister of a pretty serious medical situation and it has been ignored or disregarded because it was inconvienient for them, Ive lost count. That said, Dad hasnt been the embodiment of understanding either. More so with my Mum and my sister, it is a matter of they are sick, they have medical concerns and they outweigh mine and Dads even if ours are significantly worse.

I went to bed a bit after 7am for a bit more sleep. Ive just woken up a bit after 9am. I feel kinda rat shit, like Im happy enough, Im tired but its the tired you feel after you wake up. But my head doesnt feel like its on straight at all, I wouldnt say that I feel the same as I do with the dizzyness that I get its a bit different. My stomach hates me, significantly has an issue with the very essence of who I am. I appreciate and understand that it got hammered with antibiotics and now its being hammered with laxitives and probiotics, its no wonder my digestive track is feeling like its under assult. I feel quite swollen this morning. Not bloated and swollen like I am at night, my upper arms feel like they are massive as does the area just below and above my waist. My pubis rise feels huge, that would be the boils though. I feel really off. My head is really sore, I almost feel like its moving towards a migrane, I am starting to get pain behind my eyes. My back is getting sore, Im avoiding pain killers at this stage, Ill see how that goes and if I  need to take them I will. Im starting to get a pretty sore throat, but  thats beencoming and going for a while. In general I dont feel fantastic, I just checked my tempreture and its gone to 37.7degrees so that would account for part of the reason I dont feel great but Im going to do my best to pull myself together when my sister gets home, unless my tempreture goes over 38 in which case Ill be going to hospital, again, something I am trying to avoid. I dont normally keep such an eye on my tempreture but with the wound and not being able to see it, if something goes pear shaped its likely the first way Im going to know anything about it before I see the nurses/doctor at the clinic.

Dad and I were just talking and I said about the water I like from Woolies and that I cant pick the package of water anymore, its too heavy for me to pick up, let alone get them inside. Dad said why wouldnt I ask him to get them when he went shopping? I said that I know I could ask him but, he might not have had the injuries that I have, that led to the my arthritis, etc. but at his age, and not said to Dad but the life he has lived, he has not treated his body with any care, his bodies limitations have never been an indication to stop and rest or even to stop what he is doing, he has just made his body bend to his will, bend and break if need be. So, his age and the way he treated his body, he would have at minimum, osteoarthritis so he isnt much better than me, he has buggered knees, osteoarthritis, Stage 4 non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and heart disease. Im sure there is more that I dont remember, not that I dont care, its hard to keep up with my issues let alone all the issues of others in the house and he tends not to be completly open about the things causing him to feel sick or in pain. Unlike the rest of us, he doesnt talk about his experiences much, like he doesnt talk about his pain, about feeling sick etc very much. He might say something to me when he comes inside about being sore or in pain, maybe even when he wakes up. Its more common lately than it has been before. I think he has realised that I am really in pain, that all the medications etc. Im on make me feel sick a lot and he feels like he can actually share with me how he feels. It does do my head in that he keeps going, he is in  pain and refuses to take anything decent for pain medication, he pretty much doesnt take anything for pain. He says medication for nausea doesnt work. Even still you will find him up a ladder dealing with rotting wood, moving furniture etc.

Its kinda weird, Mum, Dad and I are all sick and in excessive pain. We are all able to get considerable amounts of pain medication, Mum and Dad both are able to get very large amounts of strong pain relief. As you know I am on large amounts of very strong pain medications and I have strong pain medication on stand by incase things get bad. My sister however, is sick, in pain etc. but its seems less defined. She has had some drastically terrible things happen  to her in the past, medically speaking, I mean the cellulitis, compartment syndrome and planter faciatis to name a few. None of those were without serious complications. She had a complication with a surgery she had, she ended up in ICU and nearly died as a result of the complication. She has her current issues, she has some serious bowel issues, she has always had really bad periods and they are probably worse, she has an issue with her arm and neck from an accident at work and she gets tremors in her legs at times. Her GP wont prescribe her strong  pain medication anymore, my  sister says she doesnt know why but no doctor stops pain medication without explaining why they are doing so. Even her dose, and my Mums makes no sense. They take it morning and night, it only lasts 4-6hrs a dose so in the middle of the day, they are without pain relief, when they are in most need of it, most active and no pain relief. It makes no sense to me. I need pain medication around the clock. Im probably missing something, but so often my sisters medical issues are just she has a lot of medical issues. Not that she has a particular major medical issue which accounts for the majority of her issues, not even a few less major ones that does the same. Im not saying that she hasnt had major issues in the past, even that they wouldnt affect her now, Im not even saying that she doesnt have issues now, just I cant sit here and say this is the issue my sister faces. Each of us do suffer from mental health issues, though my Dad does distance himself as much as possible from his depression. Mum accepts that she has depression, though will try and change her medication dose when she can based on how she is feeling. Ive been trying to get Mum to see a psychiatrist for a really longtime, from the best of my recollection she has never has seen one, she might have seen one when she was in a facility. I am very much of the opinion that she has more going on than just depression. My sister has a number of mental health conditions, she is currently in a facility, she really struggles. I have a range of mental health conditions, which most reading this would know all about.

Its 2pm and its like Ive been hit by smacked hard by the need to sleep. I have no idea whats happened, maybe its the new medication, its been messing with my sleep. My Mum had come down to see my sister off and ended up staying and talking for an hour, which is fine but I was pretty  keen on going to bed for a while. Im going to go to bed in a while, when she has buggered off. Shes been down for a bit over an hour now. Which is fine, though the whole world has to stop when she comes down to accomodate for her. She has got Dad to get crap out of the sheds, we have multiple sheds she has filled with shit, none of its been used, ever. Now, they want to move so it all has to be sold. Rather than my Mum going to the sheds and working out prices etc. she has Dad bringing it to the verandah and she will price it under there. A piece of furniture fell over while Mum was down and that was an issue, he should have had it laying down or some shit. He moved the outdoor dining table to the wrong spot and of course she didnt mean for him to do it all today. Seriously the man can do nothing right. Mums gone now so Im going to have a smoke and have a nap. I was in bed for an hour, then I choked on something and nearly threw up so I got out of bed. Im still tired but not as intensily as I was. I dont think that I will have too much trouble getting to sleep at a decent hour.

Im feeling pretty unwell as the  day progresses, my guts are really hating on me, I keep feeling light headed and there is a feeling like Im gonna puke. My tempreture keeps bouncing around all over the place, its got pretty high a few times up to 37.8 has been the highest. Ive got my GP tomorrow and there is a checklist of things that you have to not have to go into the main clinic, if you have them you go into the bughub and are seen there but you might not get your doctor, they are only looking into what is wrong with you at the time etc. So, Im going to have to ring tomorrow and make sure Im ok to come in  as normal but also to make sure I can come into the treatment room to get my wound checked. My Mum does an incredibly good jog of being really hurtful. When I was down with her earlier, I got up and had to stop, stand still with my head in my hands trying not to throw up, she didnt ask what was wrong, she told me to sit down, but I said that if I move Im going to hurl, she didnt do a damn thing. I then tried to leave as I really needed to go to the loo, she kept talking and talking about irrelevant BS, in the end I said to her that I had to go, if I didnt I was going to shit myself, because Ive had a bit of diarrhoea today. I Just went back down and had a shower, I got out the shower and had to sit in the chair for a while. I do have a shower chair but washing myself, I need to stand, the same when it comes to drying myself off. Im in a bit of pain lately, more than Id like. So, after standing and bending and all the carry on involved, Im got in a lot of pain. So when I got out I sat. Nothing said, nothing asked if I was feeling ok, knowing that I wanted to throw up, that my tempreture keeps fluctuating and its going reasonably high, knowning that I had to race to the loo, knowing I have pain issues. Not a word was said, nothing asked, no check in, you know your son is clearly sick, he has an open wound in his groin, nothing.

When Mum was down today she motioned for me to come and see her, so after I laid down for a while, I went down there. Mum is on about getting a shipping container, modifying it, adding electricity blah blah for my sister to do her stuff in, have a area to chill out in. The other idea is for her to rent the granny flat, something I wasnt allowed to do, but she would get rent assist and would be able to pay a little to make up part of the difference, maybe. Dad said he didnt want to rent out to my sister, Mum then asked if he would rather buy a container than rent to her. Like they are the only two options. I said to Mum about the flat, that Dad obviously needs the money, its not about my sisters mental health alone, he has 3 other people to protect, it was essentially get off your high horse, its not just about my freaking sister. The container I asked why after my sister has taken all the money she has Mum is so keen and so ok with spending a heap more money on her. Then it was have you even talked to her about this great idea, which she hasnt, from what I understand my sister isnt even keen on the idea.

This conversation elaborated further. When I finally got my shit together and they moved me in with them I got into painting squid jigs (fishing lures), I was given a budget that I was allowed to spend on blanks, paint etc. It wasnt a budget that was worked out between my parents and I, it was what they thought was reasonable, not having any knowledge of the costs etc, it was just a figure they picked out of the air kinda. It made sure, in their mind, that I felt like I was being supported (I didnt I felt like they were going out their way to put it in arms reach) but more importantly I had enough money to repay them the debt I owed them, you know the one that they did nothing to help prevent getting overwhelming or were willing to push for insurance to cover it. I will emphasise if it was missed that this money came out of my pocket, it was from my income. My sister has taken an unknown huge amount of money from my parents, she was in hospital at the end of and begining of the year it cost me a huge amount of money, money I borrowed and I have to pay back to my parents. She had Dad buying her meals pretty much every night because she didnt like what the hospitals served. She bought a car after she left hospital, which Mum blames Dad for, a lot gets put at Dads feet without any cause, very inappropriately, she also, which is often forgotten, she spent up big on handbags and all sorts of other crap that she didnt need, she bought stuff to help with her mental health or more as a justification for spending money. The car was a big expense, but she blew through a lot on stuff as well. Then she kept spending until she ran out of money and then, after stealing money from her she borrowed more from Mum and kept on spending. Mum keeps proping my sister up so that she doesnt get overdrawn fees etc. again, something she has never done for me, even at my worst moments, even with me going bankrupt no there again, Id never go to my parents and ask for money to bail me out of getting overdrawn or missed payment fees. Im old enough, Im a big enough boy to take ownership for my financial position. Ive borrowed money, but its when Ineed medical stuff mainly, when I lived on my own I had plenty of times where I was worse than broke, I would certainly never call Dad and ask for a bit of money to get by, I went without, I ate cheap. She is still getting her DSP, so she is paying bills etc and spending on whatever. Then Dad goes down and and next thing she is getting him to take her shopping, to office works etc. and is getting Dad to pay for it because she has no money and it would help her mental health. Dont you care about my mental health? She is not able to pay any of what they are giving her back, they know this because they said so when it came to the money she stole. So she has made off with all this money, which she will never be held accountable for, she will never pay back, I doubt they will ever work out how much it actually was. Now, they have given her and continue to give her money that she will also never pay back, be accountable for. I was put into a house, where the rent was higher than I could afford and told them that, they were going to do this and that to help bridge the gap, which didnt happen, I didnt pay the rent and was essentially left to try and work it out alone until it got to an overwhelming amount at which time they moved me in with them, at which time they then took over my finances, once I was completely screwed. Chuck in that there was insurance for the unpaid rent but it was too hard to claim as I was his child. So, I got an allowance from my own income to pay for the one thing I did for my mental health, not multiple things. I didnt steal a bunch of money from my parents, I borrowed and had to pay it back, I had to pay my way pretty much regardless of my circumstances. I was held acountable, even with really my mental health issues, I had to keep working regardless of how I felt, how I was affected by my mental health issues, how I was affected by my spinal issues. Neither parent came to me and took me shopping for stuff to make me feel better, to help my mental health, anything. Its only been recently my Mum has gifted me two lots of $250, which very appreciated, is bugger all in comparrison to what she has just handed over to my sister time and again not just recently but over the years. All the breaks shes been given, time and again that I have been forced to go without or just work for, make my own path. Im so sick of hearing that she should get something because shes on DSP but I should pay for it myself because I work, its a cop out, its justifying favoritism. I said the vast majority of the above to Mum and she did her best to come up with reasons for what she/Dad did, how they are treating her differently to how they treat me. I cut them down one after another, I was pretty straight with her, I felt sick, I was in pain, I didnt have it in me to play nice about the way they treat me. I did say to her that she can treat my sister how she likes and me how she likes but not to try and tell me that she treats us equally. Im not asking for more from them, it would be nice if they helped with some stuff without expecting me to repay it, like my medical bills, maybe even come to the party with the money spent on looking after my sister while she was in hospital. They couldnt so I did, if Mum or Dad was left to do it they would have paid for it, not me but they couldnt so not only did I take time off work, I paid for the priviledge and got incredibly sick as a result. I struggled financially but mentally as well and they did nothing, absolutly nothing about either. I told them at one point that I was seeing things, I was disconnected from the world, that I was seeing portals to the real world and at no point did they say or mention that maybe I should go to hospital. Of course if I did, I might be admitted or I might not be able to attend to my sister for a while, I imagine, I dont know, but I can imagine that this was a factor in why they didnt do anything.

The whole thing of my sister being able to tell my Dad and I and to an extent my Mum what to do really shits me, with the above in mind. Its not so much being told what to do or even being told off, its the judgements that she is allowed to make, that Mum and Dad then get on board with or the judgements they make that she doesnt correct because it makes her look good. Like Im pathetic, my pain isnt as bad as I say etc. I know that started with her. That Im lazy. That I dont help around the house, I actually brought this up recently, she was supposed to clean the house etc in lieu of board and next thing my Dad and I are being told that we are supposed to spend 3 hours each Saturday cleaning the house. Then there is things like how crap I am with money, while my sister does so well living off just a DSP, no one knows how she manages to stretch it as far as she does. Turns out that she is being given help along the way, not only that but she is sliding stuff through under the radar having parents pay for stuff, then she is stealing money, etc. But she is the one who is doing so well looking after her money, this is the same person that cant do her tax, even with Dad doing it for her, she cant give him the stuff she needs for him to do it for her. Apparently she hasnt filed in 2 years.

Here is the thing with the money borrowed to pay to look after my sister. Ive said about it before, Dad fobs it off, says essentially that it cost him enough already. I spoke to Mum one day and she sid she had spoke to Dad about it and that was as much as she could do. This coming from the same person who is able to ensure that my sister gets pretty well everything she wants from my Dad, to the point that my Dad stopped challenging what my sister demanded of him financially and just paid her and got in trouble for doing that, though would get in shit when he did bring it up with Mum. It shits me that she thinks I would accept that she talked to Dad anywhere near like she would for my sister, if she did I would have gotten some kind of break. I do find it hard to admit but the above solidified it for me, she tells me what she thinks I want to hear, what she thinks she can get away with to make it seem like shes tried to help without actually caring enough about me to put the same effort in on my behalf as she does for my sister and then blow smoke up my arse and tell me that she treats my sister and I equally. Dad more often will just tell me outright or he willl avoid the topic, which irritates me no end. Just, with both of them, just be honest, its not the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes it hurts, it hurts the person your talking to and it can hurt you but at the end of the day, its the right thing to do. You dont have to be abrupt and cruel in your delivery, you can do it nicely. Your opinion does not count as beinig honest, your bias and thoughts influenced by feelings dont count, unless you are talking about your feelings within context. When you are being honest, it needs to be that you are being honest with yourself first and the receipient second, if thats the case and you still hurt them, then you dont need and should not feel guilty.

I probably come across at times as having strong beliefs, strong opinions, etc. I dont really. They are always in flux, if I think Im wrong, if Im shown a better way, given new information etc I will change my beliefs and opinions. I will reevaluate my thoughts etc. There are some tried and true things though that I think as a society we have lost, we have chosen to reject, being honest for instance, its not common, we often go as far as to make up new words and new phrases that sound like honesty but distance ourselves from it. We make it sound like there is compassion etc but that too has been rejected, its an illusion. This was primarily contained within the business world but has creeped into our homes. We dont say what we mean, we make up crap conversations that sound like we mean what we are saying, that we care about the person, that your being honest, etc. and its sad and I hate it. I hate the fakeness of it all, this society we have now, there is so much fake crap, so much phonyness. I dont understand why we have chosen as a society to go down this path where we are magicians of words, its the slide of hands but with words not cards, we treat people like they are not fully aware that they are being fed a line, they are being conned.

Its nearly half past one, I haveto be up at 7am to drive to town for a bone density scan, tomorrow is actually quite a busy day. I dont see me getting a nap tomorrow. So, Im going to go to bed and see if I can get atleast a few hours sleep

[ClockFace]

I went to bed at 2am and Im up at again at 4:30am, my head is seriously throbbing. Im tired but I dont know if I can sleep. Its a weird way to live, the way I am with sleep, there are plenty of things that make life weird. But sleep, Ive struggled with it for years but its so very much worse now days and even more so since I started the new antipsychotic. As I say my head is pounding, but my shouldners and my back are really painful as well. Im going to take some pain medication in a second, I need it to stop and unless it does getting any kind of more sleep isnt going to happen I dont think. Its something I Fmywreally dont like, as you can imagine, is waking up in pain. It happens way too often, starting the day in pain and worse, it is a horrible way to start the day, it sets a horrible tone for the day. Ive learnt not to allow it to set the tone for the entire day, when I wake in pain I have to keep reminding myself that pain can be managed and I have the medication to reduce it, reasonably quickly.

Its now nearly 5:30 and that hour seems to have gone by really quckly, I was a little dozy so Im assuming that I actually fell asleep for a bit. Im in half minds about going back to bed. I have a big day ahead and I have to drive to town, so I could do with as much sleep as I can muster. However, at the same time I think whats the point, Im going to lay down and it will be dark but thats about the only resemblance to sleep there will be.

Im seeing the podiatrist on Thursday, I dont think  Ive ever seen a podiatrist before. Im mainly seeing them because its getting so difficult to trim my toe  nails. My size is big issue, getting over my gut is hard, but I can do it. Its more so my spine, its painful, so I am limited to doing it when Im an in the least amount of pain as I get in. I dont know how Im going to go with someone touching my feet and cutting my nails. Its going to be weird, I know Im not overly ticklish but I am a little bit. The other thing that I am going to talk to them about is the almost constant pain in my feet that I have, the soles of my feet hurt heaps, Im not sure why but its pretty well continual. Like they are swollen, it might be that, my legs are more swollen than normal, a lot more fluid retention than normal which would affect my feet. It could be the reaction I have to one of my medications, Im allergic to one of them and take another to deal with what it causes to happen.

When I spoke to Mum last night, she winged about only getting 2 hours sleep. She goes on about her sleep, but then sleeps most the day. I get so little sleep on a regular basis and she knows it, but so often I dont have the luxury of even getting a nap during the day. Im up going to appointments, dealing with life, with pain, with all my bullshit. Today is a prime example, Ive had around 2.5hrs sleep, its too late for me to go back to bed, even when I felt ready to go back to bed, it was too late. I have to drive down for a bone density scan, then I have wound care, a GP appointment and then my councillor. I have a couple gaps but nothing substantial, nothing that I can have a nap in but I just have to make my way through the day and then when it comes to sleeping tomorrow night, Ill probably still only geta few hours sleep again. Even when I have a nap during the day, Im still not getting the equivalent of a full nights sleep.

Dad just came down and checked on me, made sure I had got some sleep. Hes gone back to bed, he knows I would have only gotten a couple hours sleep, he did say that its too late for me to get some more sleep. But he seems to feel better about things.

The boils/abcesses on my pubis rise are getting really sore/painful now, today it hurts a lot. Its uncomfortable but painful as well and until I see the doctor I dont know what to do about it. I put a pin into a couple places last night trying to find place where puss would actually come out and I would get some relief but no. There is one spot that has some coming out, but there is I dont know how many seperate boils/abcesses there are. At the very least Im going to end up back on antibiotics, which will suck but I have to think the number of incisions that it would take to release everything its unlikely they will even attempt to, which also sucks, because the amount of pressure there is really unpleasant.

My tempreture seems to have settled, its staying within the 36.4 range which makes me much happier. I just went and got my morning meds and went to the loo. The amount of pain in my legs I have, particularly when walking is unbelievable. Where Im going to have the scan today, I have been at least once before and I remember that its a bit of a walk from where you can park your car and their building and thats if you get a park close by, which is unlikely. For someone not in my situation, it probably wouldnt even be a consideration but I am in my situation and it is a consideration and Im not at all keen on it. I know that by the time I get from car to them, Im going to be in pain and Im not really looking forward to that. Im leaving early enough to allow time for me to have a break before I have to get on the stupid beds they have. I just put on some jocks, I havent been wearing them of late due to the bloating and swelling however, I feel a bit weird getting around town without them, they havent improved the pain and discomfort Im feeling. Im about to leave, I cant say Im looking forward to the day at all, Ive made an extra appointment with my GP on Saturday, I have so much to cover at the moment even 2 sessions with her isnt going to be enough. I know by the end of the day today, Im going to be absolutly exhusted. Im going to be in a fair bit of pain too I think.

On the way down I realised that the whole tempreture thing was probably the tooth infection, I dare say it would take a few days to deal with the infection with what they did. I got to where I was going about 45min drive. My pain has jumped a fair bit, Im also back with a limp. Im really tired, I've sat down in the waiting room and I could quite easily fall asleep. If this scan takes the hour I've puts aside for it then I can almost guarantee I'll fall asleep, even if it's quick and easy im going to struggle not to. If it's pretty straight forward and I'm home earlier than planned I might get a nap in before the treatment room. I think I'll get maccas on the way home, Im so hungry. I really am having to fight to stay awake, I just want to get it done so I can lay down. Im home, Im having a smoke and laying down until 12:30, its not a huge sleep, but its around what I get each time I lay down anyhow.

Dad came and woke me at 1pm, apparently my alarm and follow up alarms had gone off, I dont remember hearing them at all. I must have completely crashed out because its rare for me to sleep more than a couple hours and even more so to sleep through my alarm. Ive been up for around 10 min or so and Im still finding it a bit hard to make heads or tails of things, Im awake I just dont feel like it yet. I'm about to leave and Mum has asked Dad to get me to get her some seafood salad. I told her last night that I had the stuff with the clinic and after that I had my councillor. So how am I supposed to get her seafood salad from a place I've been to once as a sick passenger, I have no idea where it is and she is aware of that too.

Ive just got home from the doctors and treatment room, the wound is healing well, there was no indication that they wanted to continue seeing me so Im leaving it unless I think things have gone to shit. I got my scripts for both pain medications and a referral to the dermatologist. I rang them when I got home, they have the referral but they will triage it before making an appointment, so Im waiting on them to call me back. My GP has also put me on an antibiotic for like 5 months, I dont know if the dermatologist will keep that going but at least while I wait to see her I might get some relief. I have my councillor in like 5 minutes, Ive got heaps to tell her, a lots happened since I saw her last. After that I will get my meds from the chemist and then basically call it a day. Im seriously knackered, I was on the exam bed in the treatment room waiting for my GP and I fell asleep a couple of times apparently and Im not at all suprised. it wouldnt take much for me to fall asleep now.

When I first started with my GP she was fine, there was nothing wrong with her, she  as polite, listened and was straight with me, things that I appreciate in a person, not just a GP. I dont know how long Ive been seeing her now but its been a while. She has been with me through some pretty hard issues, not just the one or two but multiple issues and often at the same time. I see her a fair bit, far more often than  her other regular patients. I would probably on average see her 3 out 4 weeks atleast, the appointments arent the stock standard 10-15 min either, they normally tend to go well over that, try as I might to avoid that happening. We have built up somewhat of a relationship through this as you can imagine. She has helped me through some tough experiences, she has spent sometime looking through my history and has caught up on all my previous crap from the sounds of it, so she knows that going through rough stuff medically isnt new for me. She doesnt come across as feeling sorry for me or having pity  on me, I wouldnt like that. But its more that she has partnered with me to improve my health, overall, just in general. She doesnt look at things as one illness at a time, its more the range of issues I have, as well as my weight, my mental health, my home life etc all together, not as individual issues but as one person. Just with my weight, its not assumed that its just a matter of me doing different, she takes my mental health into account, my metobolic health and then she talks as if we are in that journey together, not her telling me that I have to just lose weight and then cutting me free. I really appreciate how my GP has decided to come along side me and partner with me or atleast make me feel like she is, wether true or not feeling like your not alone in things like your helth issues is really important and so helpful.

Its nearly 6pm, Ive finally stopped for the day, not just a short break the day is done. Im going to lay down and see if I can get some sleep. Im going to set my alarm for 9pm. Though part of me thinks I should stay up a couple more hours and have an early night, I kinda feel like Ive woken up a bit again. When I got home Dad kinda unloaded a bit, its been a hard day for him and Mum, my sister is nearing the time when she is going to have to leave the hospital and come home. Therefore, she has decided to act out, she is yelling, screaming, throwing things about and hitting things. Its nothing new though, not for Dad and I atleast. She did it when she was in hospital last time so its not something Dad and I are worrying about. My sister is going to Mum though, she hasnt experienced this before as she wasnt involved last time. When I went down to Mum briefly she was on about my sister and how distraught she was, how obvious it was that they hadnt dealt with things with her, she even went to say that she didnt have a psychologist while she was in hospital. I explained that my sister was like this last time, that it was common leading up to leaving but thats as much as I bothered with as I was so tired. Mum is correct the hospital hasnt provided a psychologist for my sister this time, but thats at my sisters request, she wanted to continue with her regular psychologist alone and her group sessions, without another psychologist putting their 2 cents in and confusing her.

I went to bed in the end around 7pm and I woke up at 8:30pm, I feel much less exhusted, I dont get how after just an hour and a halfs sleep I can feel this much better but I do. Im not singing from the rafters but Im just a bit better. Im still tired but the concept of sleep alludes me. Im going to have my night medications shortly and something for tea. I dont know that Im overly hungry but I have really bad reflux tonight and thats likely because I havent eaten much today, I find that when I fail to eat through the day that the symptoms of reflux arrive that night, Im assuming its because there has/is nothing absorbing the stomach acids which continued to be produced, eventually my stomach has an over abundance of stomach acid and I have reflux issue. I dont know how true this is, its just what I imagine happens.

Ive mentioned a few times before that I grew up in a very religious household and that I also became very involved in a church, before I left the church I had become a church elder, a very senior position. To say that I have had a lot of experience within the church community would be an understatment I would think. We were part of a pentecostal church, by christian church standards, you would say that it was a fringe church. They are more well known now and Hillsong did make the concept of this style of church more widely known, for the wrong reasons. But as established and traditional churches go, its certainly not apart of them.

Growing up when we moved to the town I would call home for the majority of my childhood, we did so at the request of the pastors of the church there. There is a whole story, which I wont go into. Being involved in this weird church led, in part, to me being bullied at school. There is a much more spiritual aspect to the pentecostal church, a bigger focus on the Holy Ghost and His power, His power working through us. In a small backwards country town, this doesnt always sit well and rumors begin. Anyhow, Dad was very involved in the church, over the years more and more so, he would end up in leadership, but he would play guitar, lead music, home groups, councilling and more. The church would vary in size, as I remember it it was small, but apparently there were times where it was a large church. I do remember at one point we had outreach churches in a number of near by towns. So, growing up I remember there being quite a bit of travel on weekends. We would have people at our house almost every night, between church services, etc. Mum would sing in church for a number of years, though at some point one of the pastors that came along decided she couldnt sing until she gave up smoking. My sister for a while was in charge of childrens church, but this was more because it was expected that she participate in the church service in some way. I was pretty young when I became missionary secretary, I also played guitar and ended up leading worship. In my teen years, probably mid to late teen years, Mum and my sister stopped going to church, I attended less often. I moved out of home and initially I joined a church where I moved to but I eventually got kicked out, why I cant remember but it was completely unfounded. I made some friends around the same time and they were not the church going type. Eventually I changed lifestyle significantly, I was drinking pretty well every night and started doing drugs. I became involved in the goths, well more so a group of idiot kids, myself included, playing goth. Looking back, it was all kind of, not pathetic but we were all outcasts in our way and we or atleast a few of us, pushed the boundry a bit more by dressing the way we felt, the way we felt society saw us.

Years later, I had been brought home when my parents learnt how I was living, I had been injured at work, I had met a girl who ended up cheating on me and later hooked up with a girl I had a crush on growing up, she was married but seperated, she ended up going back to her partner. Both events were extremely painful. I ended moving to the city and I joined a church there, before moving I had been flirting with church with the girl who later cheated on me. It didnt take a really long time before I was getting involved in different aspect of the running of services etc. I went into youth leadership, I oversaw the running of services, making sure things happened as they needed too. I would sit next to the pastor and if something needed to be attended to, I would do so. I would welcome people into services, I would be with the senior leadership with visiting ministers while waiting for the service to begin, I would ensure they had what they needed and brought them to their seats. I did help run home group meetings, but I dont think I was overly good at that. Toward the end of my time there I had been asked to become a church elder. In the 6 months before leaving the church I met a girl 9 years my junior, she had a way of manipulating things, a way of telling stories very convincingly. We ended up dating but she wouldnt make it public. I was fed a story about how her landlord would come into her flat without her knowledge or any advance notice, she would be half dressed and less at times and he would still not leave. Eventually she had to leave in a hurry and had no where to go so I let her come and stay with me, this became more of a thing that she moved in with me. At some point I was basically in the process of leaving the church when they became aware of the relationship, Im not sure if they were aware of us living together but I was invited to lunch buy the new associate pastor who proceded to question me about my physical relationship with her, did I do this, did I do that. I was offended pretty much by the line of questioning but also that the senior pastor, my friend, someone I had a long standing relationship with, palmed me off to the associate pastor instead of coming to me himself, I found that incredibly disrespectful.

Growing up I had an issue with how much time my Dad spent on church related things, it seemed to me that he either worked or he did church. Im told a story where the pastors wife said she wanted Dad at church the one weekend he could get off before Christmas to do Christmas shopping in the city, which was a couple hours drive away. Dad ended up giving in and staying home for church, he put church firmly infront of the family. But it impitimised what was known, that there was very large expectations put upon my Dad from the church when I grew up. I feel like Dad put the church ahead of the family but the church exploited and put massive pressure on Dad to be there for him.

With the church I became involved in I was involved enough to see behind the scenes. I heard what was said behind the backs of visiting ministers and that when the person behind the pulpit does a collection for the visiting minister that will all go to him/her, thats an outright lie. They almost always have a fee that is charged, once that is reached the rest of the collection goes to the church. That deceitfulness irritated me, the people thought they were giving to the ministry of the visiting pastor but they were often being mislead. I remember one preacher would come kinda regularly and the senior pastor said he was abrupt, racist, sexist, etc. but had a powerful message and got people in the door. For me, I would not allow a person to preach in my church where after you would take him to lunch with your church young adults and he would say racist thing, sexist things etc, this made people of different cultural backgrounds and females uncomfortable, this affected the main body of your church negatively and you allowed it and endorsed it by inviting him back time and again. I learnt that church growth was less about growing the number of people "saved" from hell etc. The more people attending services, probability said the more income you generate through tithing. It was more about the fiscal than the spiritual and that bugged me. God became the church and the church was responsible for generating a godly atmosphere, the appearance of a church driven by god. Even when it came to music selection for services, being current music wise was important, songs that manufactured a "spiritual" atmosphere. These songs were written with a number of similarities songs to uplift and generate positivity, then songs whose construction pierced the emotions of people giving the feeling of an encounter with the Holy Spirit, without one. What is also interesting is if you look at the words of the songs many were about the person singing not God. The old songs, hymns etc were all about praising God, the new ones are about how he makes us feel, what he has done for us. I learnt very clearly that the experiences of the church I grew up in were being manufactured not an actual encounter. There was a science behind the experiences shared in a church setting. The exploitation of young people in particular, the over encouragement to be at every church event, to be involved in keeping the church alive. Taking a weekend off wasnt really encouraged, it was almost like you were chosing to back slide or you were made to feel like no one else could do what you do and they would be stuffed without you. Being the senior pastor was more and more a job, a job that was significantly administrative, less and less God driven calling and more and more that you have the skillset, this is more prevelant in large churches. They have become more of a business now, one church buying out others either to reduce competition, open up new markets or the one I truely hate, brand recognition. The driving force behind growth is no longer about saving people, making new converts, it about taking over other churches and increasing your sphere of influence and of course revenue. If you can take over other churches and make one large church or a church over many campuses, you aim to attract those who attend other churches. Put on an event with big name speakers and showcase your church in the process, people attending other churches attend, feel warm and welcome, they feel wanted and change where they attend church. The focus on making sure new people are made to feel welcome and wanted is intense and the number of meetings where the senior pastor would address this, where he would make it known that there was someone there for the first time that left without being welcomed. It make sense but again its the manufacturing of a experience. The adolenecent attitude towards males and females was amazing as well, it was like being in primary school. I was unaware until towards the end of my time there that I was seen as essentially a bit of a flirt, I spent plenty of time with the guys as well but I never really distinguished between most the girls and the guys. I find it easier to relate to girls that guys but I was kinda equal there. I had more than one occassion where I was teased about liking one girl or another simply because I spent some time with them, or I tried to make them feel welcome when they first started to attend because thats what we were expected to do. The homophobic slurs and gestures. It goes on. In the end, what I determined is that I was as likely to find God in a place like that as I was to find him in a strip club, the difference being a strip club isnt hiding what its trying to achieve and trying to do and that it will use whatever means to do that. A church should stand higher, morally it should be beyond reproach. When it is scrutinised, when the motives of leadership is scrutinised it should simply be that it is because God called and they answered, not because there is an increase in revenue, brand awareness etc. I became very dismayed, I felt betrayed, for a long time I felt that my entire experience with the church was fictitious but have since realised that I can chose to take what I want from it, I can accept the positives for what they are, regardless of the motives etc behind how things came about.

I really had an issue with the new teaching of prosperity, the prosperity doctrine which has come a mainstay of the modern pentecostal movement is in essence if you give you will get. The more you tithe the more you are blessed. The more you give to visiting ministers, etc the more blessed you are. For my understanding of biblical principals, this is not correct. I wont go into it, Im way too tired. If you give with the expectation to recieve firstly you believe you can command God which is kinda blasphemous. If you are giving to receive then you are giving out of greed, not out of humility, not out of the desire to simply bless another person. I have a problem with the doctrine because it is always the most vunerable people that suffer the most with this sort of thing. Someone who is desperate for money or a job or for help medically might "bless" anyone, they might just give to the church etc their last $50 or whatever or the money they had put aside for treatment, whatever they had saved up until that point, they might even give their entire centrelink payment in an effort to show they have faith of getting a job almost immediately. The doctrine teaches about acts of faith, stepping out your comfort zone etc. Often the recipient of the the money being given is the church, they are teaching a principal where they are the actual beneficiaries of that doctrine. The other thing that gets me is that its always fiscal, its always money etc that they want, thats the only thing that can cause you to recieve blessing in return. Acts arent mentioned, services to the church or our community are not acceptable sacrifices where by you are then blessed in return. I worked years ago how much a week on average gave to th e church. Hours provide x hourly rate at work.

Im dozing off so Im finishing my drink and a smoke and going to bed.

[ClockFace]

2am and Im awake again, another 1.5hrs sleep before I wake up like Ive been asleep for the past 8hours. Its short lived though, it wont be long until Im tired again and I want to go back to bed.

Normally my GP does my sick certificates for one month at a time, however she has done the last one for two months, which is odd, Im not sure why she has done it but no big deal. It does however take me to nearly 11 months off work. I said to Dad about it and he said that would be a year off, he loves to round up like that. I then got onto the reality that its going to be longer than that before I return to work. As it stands, it would appear my treatment protocol will primarily be physio/exercise pshysiology based which means it will be a while before there is improvement in my pain, improvement that sees a continual reduction in pain. Im also going to be going through a reduction process for my pain medication. Both things are going to cause me some level of pain, at least in the begining and if I cant deal with the pain Im in and work, how does he expect me to work and deal with an increase in pain. That said I am only guessing what the neurosurgeon says, what treatment protocol I end up on. I want to go back to work and as soon as possible but it makes no sense for me to go back and then be having time off because the pain is too much from treatment or my excersises etc. and not have an income at all. So, until its reasonable for me to go back, Ive made some decent strides in recovery etc. then Ill have to stay off workfro my own financial well being, not just my health.

Boy writing the above was hard work, I kept dozing, I started feeling quite awake, then it was like I got hit by extreme tiredness but I had to finish what I was writing. Now, its like Ive been asleep for a while and Im ok again.

With everything healthwise Ive been dealing with I wish there was a device that they could put you in that scanned you and just spat out a report of all the things that were wrong with you and I could get a complete list of issues so we could treat them the best way possible and there wasnt all this back and forth, working out if symptoms were medication related or actual issues to deal with. Not to mention the delay in testing, results and treatment. You went into a doctors appointment, you were assesssed and treated all in one sitting.

Ive had some tests that have provided results, provided information in relation to why Im in the pain I am. My GP has gone through the results with me, but its not up to her to determine the treatment protocol for my conditions, that, I hope is up to my neurosurgeon. I really hope he doesnt turn around and refer me to someone else, which he could. He might decide its outside his field and send me to a pain management specialist and it wouldnt suprise me. But I feel like I am one step away, a 15 minute conversation from this is how we treat your situation and yet I have to wait for so long, approx another 3 weeks for that appointment. It really sucks, to be so close but so far.

Im going back to bed in a minute, Im not dozing like I was but I need to try and get some more sleep, its 4am. Trying to work out how much sleep Ive had in a 24hour period is getting to be impossible, Im just up and down like a yoyo but I want to finish my bankruptcy stuff tomorrow so I dont want to be sleeping through the day. I have to ring one of my creditors to find out how much I owe and get in touch with a lady I have called my Auntie my whole life as they need someone who knows me that doesnt live with me, so Im going to ask her if she would mind being that person. I think if I can get those two pieces of information then I should be able to finish it and submit it tomorrow. But if I sleep all day I wont be able to.

I went to bed around 4am and Ive just woken again a bit after 6am. Once Ive woken up properly Im going to go into town and do some grocery shopping, Im not really looking forward to it, if it wasnt really needed I certainly wouldnt be doing it. I know its going to be painful, Im already pretty much in a decent amount of pain. I know adding walking of any distance to things is going to make things much worse and do so really quickly. In the short time Ive been up the amount of pain in my back has increased dramatically. Its gone from ok, a little uncomfortable to pretty painful in like 15 minutes of sitting down. Im not far from needing pain relief just to manage sitting, let alone shopping.

It doesnt matter what or how much I drink at the moment, my mouth feels dry, like Ive got a mouthful of cinnamon powder or something. My tounge is sore but not as bad as it has been. Its more that my whole mouth is dry, more than dry.

Im really hoping to accomplish a couple things like the bankruptcy submission, today. I have accomplished stuff lately but medical scans and tests are not really the things I want to accomplish. I dont suppose filing for bankruptcy is high on the list of things I want to accomplish either, but it relieves a lot of stress, its more than that because I dont worry about my non-family debts that much, if I do nothing Im going to be default listed and potentially sold and Ill continue to be contacted etc. whats the big deal. Going bankrupt puts so much to bed, it finalises so many things. It takes 3 years, there is stuff I have to do and provide but predominately its the end of things for me. Debts that have haunted me since I had my brief psychotic episode are all but gone.

Im going to go do this shopping before my back gets worse, Ive been putting it off but thats not really going to help. That wasnt ideal, I managed the servo with no issue but by the time I got to Coles I had started to feel quite wonky, it was a 10min job at Coles so I figured Id do it and come home. I went through Coles, got the couple things I normally get and went to the one open check out, normally not an issue but at this hour of the day they only really open the express lane, which had a small line up, but the cashier was friendly and liked to chat, worse still the person in front of me was the owner or manager of a store within the complex, so the chit chat was even more. By the time I got to unpack, my pain was really bad as was the wonkyness. As soon as I paid and left the store I made a b-line for the nearest seat and sat for a while. It helped calm my back down a bit before I tried to drive home, the hassle was the wonkyness. It was a slowish drive home, I was stuck, Dad was home without a car, there was no help coming so I  was on my own and needed to get home. I really didnt anticipate that Id be hit as early as I was, I didnt have my meds until late last night so I assumed, incorrectly that I would be fine until atleast the normal time I have my meds in the morning. I got home ok, unpacking took a while. I brought in the stuff from the servo and then went and had my meds and sat down for a bit, again my back was really sore so I needed to let it rest a while. Then I went and got the stuff from Coles. However everthing is still in its bags, I havent got  to putting into the fridge etc.

Im going to go to bed for a bit, its 10:30am going by history Ill be up again by noon. Im seriously drowsy, I have no choice but to go to bed. I did the SANE survey and some other stuff but the last bit over an hour sorta disappeared on me. I have no idea whats going on with the show Im watch Im watching, typically I have no problem doing both. So Im assuming I had fallen asleep.

Im up  again, I slept for a couple hours, apparently quite soundly because I didnt hear my phone ring twice, this whole sleep thing is really getting to me. I have no pattern, I sleep so heavily sometimes and so lightly others times and generally the way around that it matters ie today sleeping through phone ringing. Despite all of this Im still so damn tired, constantly. I cant catch a break on that front. Ive just woken up and Im really tired, like its difficult to keep going and pushing forward with what I need to do.

Just before I went to bed, Dad said that my sister was on the way up, I had no choice but to go to bed anyhow. I was falling asleep as it was. When I woke up she had been and gone, I had hoped Id see her, kinda of. She is not going well at the moment and lashing out, not seeing her means I missed out on all that and I cant say Im upset about it. I couldnt and wouldnt deal well with that at the moment. Apparently it wasnt the most wonderful visit for Dad, he got in shit for all sorts of stuff, my sister told Mum about things Dad was doing or trying to do which got him in shit with Mum and she asked for more money from Dad for stuff for Mum, but she was asking for far more than what the stuff for Mum actually cost. Dad keeps handing over money to my sister in one form or another at the moment and he has had enough.

I just got a call back from the dermatologist I want to see, it will be 3 months before I can see her. Im going to try and see what another place is like at the moment and if I can get into them sooner. Waiting 3 months seems kinda excessive. I rang the other place and they have a long wait too so Im sticking with the doctor Ive organised things with.

For whatever reason, my legs are really sore, its not the same as when they are full of fluid. They are swollen, they have been getting swollen more recently but it doesnt feel like that. I had the same thing last night at one point. Im not racing off on it, its probably bcause Im exhusted or something like that.

Ive all but finished the bankruptcy form, Im just waiting for a family friend to let me know if she will be the contact for them and then Im done. im pretty sure its been done right, I suppose Ill find out soon enough. Im updating my families medical history as well. Mum has her sides information but very little is known about my Dads side. Dads side isnt close, I havent seen any of them that I can think of since my Dad's Mum passed away and that was many, many years ago. Mum and Dad thought the best chance of getting that information I had was my Auntie on that side of the family, Dads brothers would have no idea either. So I have msged her and asked, she sent a message back saying she will look into it and let me know. Im going to work through the information Mums provided shortly, though I would kinda rather go to bed lol.

Im a big  believer in equality, I believe that on the provision that it doesnt impact my right to do the same, everyone should be allowed to live and believe as they want. I dont care who or what you do in your bedroom, I dont particularly want to know. On the provision that its legal and both parties willingly consent why should I care. I really dont think that people should be treated differently to anyone else based on this, or anything for that matter really. I dont have an issue with events that work towards highlighting and changing societies attitude towards relationships that society defines as not the norm. I dont believe however, that their expression of love, who they love should be enforced upon others, just as much as any  other form of expression. Love is love no matter genders etc. Gender expression and acceptance is difficult, again, I dont care what gender you are, if I get your pronoun wrong gently correct me, thats not an issue, however attacking people for not getting it right doesnt help anyone. There are a number of genders people fit into, for many there were just the male and female growing up and most our life, we were never exposed to anything more, not because we are ignorant but its all we knew, its all anyone knew. If you correct, with love and they continue to address you incorrectly then I understand being offended. But dont just assume that people a) are going to know your sexuality or b) your gender.

I believe the way women in general have been treated and had limitations forced upon them is wrong and has been a huge mis-service to society. Over the years who knows how many amazing discoveries have been lost because society forced women into a preset box of what they could be, what they could become. I hate what was done to those with mental health issues in decades past but what was done to women under the guise of mental health is appalling. On a whole women are just as capable as men, there are some women who would not be able to keep up with some men physically, but the same can be said about men, there are some men that would not be able to keep up with other men or even some women. Each individual has their own strengths and weaknesses, both physically and mentally, that makes them suited to different careers and hobbies, regardless of gender and thats what should be considered. I dont agree however with the current stratergy of many businesses of having required percentages of women in different positions, even goals etc. That is first and foremost reverse sexism, it is giving women a higher priority for employment over men. Secondly, it puts the company at a disadvantage, a male hirer might be the better choice but not the best choice gender wise, so which way do we go, which priority it elivated highest.

How we treat the disabled, the mentally ill and elderly shows who we really are as a society. We have become a society that only values its people on the provision that they are benefiting society in some fashion. The elderly made the country what it is today, they went through massive hardships, hardships we will never understand. They fought against amazing odds and overcome to rebuild the country etc. When it has come to the end of their lives, their final years, they are put into aged care facilities, stripped of their individuality and choices and made to eek out an existance until they pass away. I dont understand why you would ask an 80 year old to stop smoking, or make it hard for them to do so. If they have got to that age as a smoker, let them do as they please for the final few years. The same goes for drinking, if they like a drink with tea, before bed etc. then let them, Im not  suggesting allowing them to get hammered every night, but whats the harm in  allowing that on occassion. It would be about liability, if they fell over and they were hurt etc. The same goes for disability and mental health, society makes, they force the disabled to be burdens on their families. The support provided to look after a person who is disabled is pretty pathetic. Not to mention the same if you are the actual one who is disabled. I get you get a health care card, but that doesnt help with so much, specialists etc. Somehow, people on DSP have to find a way to afford these things on an income that only barely covers their costs of living, it doesnt take into account their costs of being unwell. The treatment of mental health issues is almost worse than the illness. My sister and I tried on a number of occassions to get her help before she attempted suicide. They wouldnt even see her, wouldnt talk to her, anything really because she hadnt attempted. How dumb is that, prevent the illness escallating to a potentially lethal outcome if given the opportunity. Treatment for mental health in the form of psychology is only partially supported by medicare, 10 sessions a year, even for one issue your only just starting to get into the actual treatment phase before support is withdrawn leaving so many incapable of continuing with treatment until the following year, where they basically start a new and the cycle continues, just support mental health treatment and have no limitations to the number of visits allowed. Try getting a bed in a facility and not be critical, even if your critical your going to struggle. Services that are available are stretched and often provided by the charitable arms of religious groups. If you have an adversion to religion, even though they dont push it within the confines of treatment, you might not access those services because of what the church has done to you etc. It would seem to me the two biggest groups involved in treating those with mental illness are the two biggest groups who have hurt those with mental health issues in the past, government and religion.

The treatment of our first nations people is appalling. What was done by European settlers was just inhumane, however the fact that Australia continued to treat them the way it did for so many decades is just horrendous and to this day, we continue to fail them on a whole, we continue to treat them as if they are not worth equality. I dont believe however that giving one group a greater say in the direction of our country is the right answer. More so, that we would be asked to vote on this concept, what to me seems like an incomplete concept, isnt right. Firstly, give us the complete picture of what their authority will be, is it just that they will put their 2cents in on everything, then why, how does that actually help etc. Secondly, Im about equality, I dont believe a group should have a greater say or infuence on things than any other group and where does it stop, do we start having different groups assigned to different aspects of discussion and government? I believe we should however work with our first nations more, not impose upon them as we do. We keep giving them and making allowances for them, in an attempt to make them more like us, but maybe thats the wrong approach, maybe we should learn from decades of trying to convert them to the  way we do things and allow them to stand up and do things the way they believe to be right, of course we would still need to ensure they are safe, that they have access to the same services as everyone else but we should make their chosen way of life acceptable in our overall society.

Discrimination in all its forms is just wrong and needs to be eliminated completely. A person should not be judged by their skin color, religion, creed, chosen life style. I think Im just against hate, unjustifiable hate. Someone does something horrible to you, you might hate them, thats one thing but hating someone because they are different to you thats, I dont have words. Our differences is what makes us truely valuable. If we were all identicle in every way, then we could not grow as a society, as people. We  would make no discoveries, we would have no desire to explore. Being different from one another, we see there is opportunity to experience life differently and to seek out more that is different from us.

If we understood that our differences are what makes us valuable and therefore what makes others valuable then we would eliminate all forms of discrimination because we would be too busy embrassing the differences of others, learning from them, building a society that seeks out differences and grows as a result.

Im incredibly tired again, Ive been up for few hours and here I am ready to sleep again, almost desperate to sleep. I went and had a shower, for much of my shower I am simply sitting letting the really hot water run over me and down my back. We are on rainwater only, we have a huge tank so we rarely run out, if we do we have bore water as a back up. So water costs and being economical with water isnt really an issue. FYI, I just hallucinated a blue ring octopus on my keyboard, thats a new one. My sister isnt doing well at the moment, neither is my Dad, probably none of us are but yeah. Anyhow, she came up  today and Dad isnt in a good mood and it was an issue that he didnt seem happier to see her. The fact that the  last couple of days all he has done is try and organise bills of hers that she has ignored, trying to avoid her get in shit. All she had to do was upload the bill to her health insurer and they would have paid it. Now it is a huge deal, a massive ordeal for Dad, because my sister has gone and thrown her hands up and walked away. But she can still organise to buy this and that on Buy Swap Sell, order stuff online for Dad to collect from the postoffice. There is so much my sister likes to do and magically can do for herself, but dealing with the requirements of being an adult, real life shit, she just ignores it until its almost too late and then makes it Dads problem, generally by winging at Mum. Time and time again, this sorta shit happens and time and again, Mum buys it and wonders why she feels alienated by me and Dad. Hell, Dad went out with a couple of guys from work, one brought his girlfriend so Mum has the shits on that Dad didnt invite her. They are seperated, which Mum instigated, she doesnt get to have an opinion as to how Dad reacts about that. She clearly cant stand Dad, doesnt want to spend time with him normally, she doesnt come out her room, pretty much ever, seriously, what do you want. Added to all that, and he is quite entitled to have, these are his friends, he would talk about home with them, he might not want her in that space, not to mention that Mum has a tendancy to make herself the absolute focal centre in these environments, she would take over completely, shut Dad down at every opportunity, maybe, just maybe Dad wanted some time for himself, to recover a bit, for it to be about him for a while, not someone else.

There is a few other things we talked about but the one thing that really got me is my sisters support person. She has  been awesome to my sister, she helps her so much, she changes times and is there for her at the drop of a hat. My sister relies on her so much and rarely does she not come through for her. My sister had organised her to take her to an appointment tomorrow, but the support person has had to pull out because she has a doctors appointment now for herself. Well why didnt she make it for a time outside of when my sister needed her, now my sister, who has a car with her, has to taake herself, she has to pay for the fuel to go, you know the $10-$15 its might cost. Now my sister cant really rely on her support person, who knows when shes going to pull out. How dare she have her own life, how dare she be sick herself. For all we know the support person she might have found a lump or something and be freaking out and this was the first appointment she could make to get it looked at or she might have been waiting to get into a specialist and they had a cancellation and she can get in sooner. What ever the reason, she has an appointment for herself that she has decided is more important than WORKING. My sister is this woman's job, she is not her parent or anything like that. She is pleasent to my sister, she is friendly to my sister, she helps where she can, even thr drop of the hat stuff, she does all of it because my sister is her job and she wants to keep that job. My sister is worth something to her, something financial. My sister likes to impose a relationship beyond this but fundementally there isnt one. The support person might like my sister, she might care for her and everything else, but at the ed of the day, she is how she pays the bills. Its the same with her GP. Her GP cares for my sister a lot, I can see that. She goes out the way for my sister, etc. but again my sister isnt her daughter, she isnt her friend, her GP didnt come and visit her in hospital, she is her GP first and foremost, caring for her comes with the territory. She is her GP's job, this is how she makes a living. She does it time and again, she gets attached to her medical team members, if she doesnt have this deep connection with them, it doesnt last, then and pretty much everytime, the medical person acts like a medical person, they make a call my sister doesnt like or wont do a surgery my  sister has decided she has to have. They take time away for their own needs. They move or their time with my sister ends and eventually they tell her to stop contacting them. She creates a deeper relationship with these people than there is, than there ought to be. If I am paying you to spend time with me, for what ever reason or you are being paid to be in my vacinity (ie work) we are not really friends. A friend is someone who spends time with you for its own reward, they enjoy your company and that is sufficient reward. You can be liked, you can get on well, you can have conversations and have a different relationship with you than what they have with their other clients, but you are still a client, you are still paying them, until they offer their services for nothing, not even bulk billed, just as friends then you are not friends, you are in a commercial relationship and my sister cant get that. It drives me fair batty that this is the case. What I find really appalling, really frustrating is my Mum supports how my sister is feeling, like she is telling me about her support worker taking time off to go to the doctors in disgust, she is fully onboard with my sister, she is supporting my sisters point of view, her attitude, she isnt correcting her. Which would be why my sister hasnt contacted me and winged about it to me, she knows I would tell her to pull her head in. I didnt say anything to Mum, Im too tired and too sick and there's no point, it wouldnt get back to my sister, it wouldnt change my sisters attitude so whats the point. More and more often I am getting to this point that its just no point saying anything, so I pick and chose when I speak up, not that Im afraid of wasting my time, its more so I dont want that everytime I go see Mum that I am having a fight with her.

Im going to go lay down and try and get some sleep. This sleeping for a couple hours and then being up for a bit and repeat is getting old and funnily enough tiredsome. I dont feel well either, Im still having fluctuating tempretures, not as widly fluctuating though. My stomach still hates me, I dont have diarrhoea  but its really loose and I feel like I need to go almost all the time. I have a headache going almost all the time and ofcourse Im constantly tired, more than tired, its this perpetual exhustion. Everything aches, my back is really sore, Ive been taking extra pain medication today, well last couple of days. The continual struggle is really getting to me, as much as I try to I remain positive and keep to my  core beliefs about myself etc. But Im finding that hard today.

I laid down but it took what felt like ages for me to fall asleep, by the time I stopped what I was doing I had perked up a bit, which happens and why I dont think its really that Im naturally tired. It either goes like that or I keep dozing off. It wasnt like a great deep sleep either, it was really light and I kept waking and falling back asleep. I do feel better now, I was in bed for 2.5hrs, though a bit of it was trying to get to sleep. It didnt help that I was pretty frustrated when I went to bed, I did have thoughts swimming for a bit. Just the stuff above, the stories  from Mum and from Dad, how they can never marry up. The annoyance I have with Dad saying things like  "whats the good of you" when I dont know the answer to yet another question about something I would have no knowledge about. I know he means nothing by it, well I think he doesnt, but Im stuck sitting watching TV all day, writing and going to doctors appointments, I cant work, I cant help him, I dont really feel that I am much help to him, so when he says stuff like that, it stings.

I did finish my bankruptcy application today, it will take around 4 days for it to be processed so all going well, Ill be bankrupt early next week. Im still having mixed feelings about it, I know I have no other choice, I recognise that I should have done it a long time ago, it would have been so much better for me. But I feel like I have given up, that I have let someone down, myself included. That somehow irrespective of the facts, I should have  been able to manage everything, because thats what has always been expected of me. Ive always been expected that somehow I should just be able to manage without any help or instruction how to do these things. It is like being thrown into the deep end of a pool and expected to swim perfectly with no previous instruction or knowledge. Dad said once, probably more than once, that his parenting style is to let us try first on our own and if we dont succeed then come along side and teach, which kinda makes sense for some stuff I suppose, but its pretty dumb firstly because he never came along side and helped when we failed. But, something like our finances there should have been more effort put into making sure we understood that world, particularly given we were taught how to look after our money using cash, we would have bills put out and money would be put on top from each pay so that by the due date we had enough to pay the bill. Everything was paper and cash. I could see it. Translating that to  the electronic world is terribly difficult for me, I cant see what I am spending, its just tapping a card the value  of the transaction is gone, I spend $10 or $500 its just a tap, psychologically there is no difference for me. Bills are paid automatically via direct debit, Im not involved in anyway unless there isnt enough money in my account. I rarely know my account balance, no idea, I used to just look in my wallet and Id know how much money I have. Ive tried putting bill money into another account, Ive even gone as far as having accounts for each bill making a digital version of the old way of putting cash onto bills. It doesnt work, its so simple and so quick to transfer the money into my main account to pay  for something I see as more pressing. In the old days of cash, if I decided to spend my bill money on something, I would have to go home and get the money, then go back and buy what I wanted, in the mean time the impulse died away etc. There is also the physical act of taking the money  from the bill it was assigned to, it had more of a psychological impact on me. Mum isnt a great example to live by, she doesnt care what she spends, Dad has to work it out in the end and when  they dont have the money she expects them to have, she blames him for mis-managing the money. My  sister treats things very similarly, when she doesnt have the money, Dad will just have to cough it up. Ive borrowed from Dad before and currently owe him money but I never expect it of him, its always a request, always humbly made. My sister its a demand, if she doesnt get her way, she goes to Mum for Mum to argue with Dad. I cant seem to, for all of my fondness of the modern age and technologies, I cant get my head around dealing with my finances within this new environment, I miss and prefer much of the old ways of things.

On the subject of money, Mum has an account with quite a bit of money in it, which I dont have an issue with, but its been done or atleast maintained by taking advantage of my Dad. She has this money aside for her security, for incase she has to escape. She acts like Dad beats her and she might one day have to run. He might not treat her the nicest, he might not be the most attentive, though I think given the circumstances and everything she is really lucky that she married him because almost every other male on the face of the planet would have left her, left her many many years ago. She has plenty of flaws and issues, she treats him like shit and has for as long as I remember. Their relationship has been pretty volitile over the years, she had no problem yelling at him and ripping him to shreds. My sister says she doesnt remember her childhood but doesnt accept that Mum was like this or if she wasnt like this she was crying. She does accept Mums claim that at the early part of their relationship Dad hit her. Dad says  he doesnt remember this, interestingly I apparently attacked my sister and I dont remember that. Thats kinda interesting and I never thought of that. That said, Mum does admit early in their  relationship she cheated on him, he apparently knows about it. It was a twisted conversation, but I think at the end of it she was blaming my Dad for it happening because my Dad didnt protect her from him. Then, when Dad has an issue with her having young guys coming around at all hours of the night, with 2 young kids trying to get some sleep, as well as him for work, she doesnt think he should have a problem. I would think if there was a past cheating event, it would not be unreasonable for Dad to be aprehensive. Anyhow, she has this money stashed, she talks and acts like she is the victim of continual abuse etc. She even talks like that to her sister, who was abused by her first borns father and she did leave, she lived off a pension, she got no support from his father. Their situations cant even compare. Mum keeps that money in her account by making Dad pay for as much as she can get away with. She gets DSP, so she now pays for her smokes herself, everytime she asks for them and Dad goes to get her card to pay for them, she makes a face or a comment as if he should pay for them, even occassionally. Even though he actually does, but there again why should he. He wants her to stop for her health, why would he happily support her in doing so. He pays for the running of the house in its entirity, he pays for her food, everything. She has this money, she has an income and she still pushes as much responcibility onto him as she can. Even when it comes to supporting my sister. Dad said he will cough up $2k to my Mum to help, above that she has to pay it herself. Last I heard she was demanding Dad coughed up $3k. I dont understand why Mum cant hand over money to my sister out of her money if she is so  desperate to keep giving my sister money hand over fist.

I spoke to Dad tonight, I voiced how Im a fair bit ticked off that my Mum is moving hell and high water to make sure my isnt getting overdrawn fees and I filed for bankruptcy today and to me thats just flat out disgusting. Mum has at no stage, from the moment I had the brief psychotic episode and came home Mum had done nothing to help me with my finances at all. She knew, as well as Dad, that I wasnt managing my rent. From that you could deduce that I am probably  not managing other obligations. But she will point to Dad as not coming around and helping before it got to bad, she didnt either and thats the theme of things for me. Be it that she left me for Dad and thats enough for her, but for me, its not. She knew Dad wasnt helping, that he was letting things build up and she chose to still not do anything, she is as responcible as he is. I was incredibly sick, I was on some serious medication and could barely make heads or tails of life let alone bills and rent. But my sister cant get even an overdrawn fee, she ignores bills and its Dad who has to fix it, even to blame because he should have helped, even though he didnt know the bills existed.

Its been a pretty huge write today. Ive had a fair bit on my mind. Ive realised too that talking to Mum and Dad seperately, has turned a bit sour. Its far less talking about random stuff, anything, its become all about talking about Dad, Mum or my sister depending on who Im speaking to and what they are doing wrong, how they are a disappointment, how they dont do enough, how enough isnt done for them. The number of conversations Ive had that have left me feeling like absolute shit because Mum has this belief that my sister should be treated so differently to how I am. My Mum will go on about Dad having gender biases, Im a guy, my sister is a girl so we are treated differently, Mum is no different, maybe worse. My sister is a woman, so Dad should look after her, financially etc.

Im really not well, I started the new anti-psychotic but Ive also started a new anti-biotic, on top of being on a few different types anti-biotics over the last very short period of time. Not just being on an anti-biotic, I was on really high doses at times. Im taking a probiotic to help, this is a first for me too. Its not overly suprising that I dont feel well, not to mention that Im normally not terribly well to start with. Ive had moments where I was sure if I opened my eyes or moved I was going throw up, I literally got up, took a step and it hit me. I have days where Im going #2 a fair bit, not diarrhoea just needing to go more. I feel like I have to go more often than I do actually need to. My stomach is generally all kinds of topsy turvy. I have this stupid headache that just keeps pounding away. My body aches more often than not, like really aches. My legs are almost constantly sore, as are my feet. Then you have my normal crap, such as my back which has decided that it wants its voice heard again. Its not loud yet, but its making its way to it. My shoulders are being an issue quite often, the left has really been problematic. Its hard to lay down to sleep when both shoulders are angry. My tounge, God my tounge drives me round the bend. Im going through antiseptic mouth wash trying to calm it down, not trying to fix anything just make it bearable to live with. Dealing with boils is a challenge but the latest anti-biotic is actually helping in that battle. Theres still a few about and they are in spots I tend to sit or put pressure on, so they are annoying but the angryness is gone for the most part, they have lost most their bite, which is really nice. The dermatologist I am booked to see are taking appointments into June next year but they have pushed me to Feb, which is a relief, but still a long  wait. My tempreture movements are concerning me a bit, like Ill take my temp and its 36.6 and 30min later its 37.5. That to me seems to be a thing for concern, I am going to speak to my GP about it, unless I do see it hit 38 or above in which case Ill speak to the ER doctor about it. I think the hardest thing is my sleep though. Its like I get tired randomly and I go to bed and get 1.5-2.5 hrs sleep and then Im up again, when I wake up I cant turn over and go back to sleep, its like Ive been asleep for 12 hours straight, I wake up and I have to get out of bed. Its more often that I get 1.5 hrs sleep, well thats from the time I go to bed to the time I wake, so it counts falling asleep too. I often end up falling asleep at the table because it hits me that I am overwhelmingly tired with little warning. Ill feel tired or like Im getting tired and then wham, Im asleep or fighting to stay awake and its too late to get to my bed. Then I do manage to get to bed, I sleep for a bit over an hour  and Im awake again, like seriously whats with that. To my mind you cant be so tired that your falling asleep at the table doing something, as Im almost always writing when it happens and get an hour or so sleep before being awake and ready to go again. I have to try and tee things up each day so that Im awake enough for appointments but have time to nap between so I can continue. I cant really blame this on medication though as I was like it, maybe differntly or not as bad before I started the new medications. Ive been on the new psych meds a week, I know they take a while to kick in though its said to be 1-2 weeks for you to start to feel it so I am at the early stages. I can say that my hallucinations and disassociation has been reduced a lot but I am considering making another appointment with the psychiatrist to discuss options surrounding my sleep because there has to be something better than this. I had hoped this medication would help, I think it might have made things a little worse again but not something I havent experienced recently. I just want to go to bed at the same time each day, sleep and wake around the same time and that be the end of my sleep needs. I dont want to need to sleep during the day, to be tired all day, to be watching the clock to work out when it will be acceptable for me to go to bed, though the last has pretty well stopped. At the moment when Im tired enough that I will sleep, I go to bed.

On that note, Im going to bed. Its 2:25am, Ill probably wake up around 4am. But I need some sleep. Im not tired tired, so I may not sleep, Im kinda giving it a go. I am tired, its just that Im not falling asleep where I sit. Im really hoping I get a decent sleep, I must have some hope in me cause I still set my alarm to make sure I go too my appointment on time. Its my first ever podiatry appointment tomorrow, Im not really sure what to expect. My feet arent great, they hurt alot, my heel is pretty horrible but mainly I need my toe nails cut and Im hopeful they do that. After that I have my diabeties educator, thats over the phone, which Im pretty happy about to be honest.

[ClockFace]

I was about to go to bed and I just wondered, I didnt really expect but wondered what my profile said on the AFSA site now I had applied for bankruptcy and its gone through already and its official, Im bankrupt. There is a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but I still have to pay my parents back the $21k I owe them. Ive gone bankrupt but I dont feel right in not paying them what I borrowed, their not some faceless conglomerate who have made millions off interest every minute, they cant afford for me to just go and dump them in it. I couldnt live with myself if I did do that anyhow. I dont particularly believe all the money I am said to owe them, that I do. I still maintain, the money spent looking after my sister for them, shouldnt be my burden alone. But I  can have that belief all I want, they are chosing not to share it so I have to take accountabilty for it. They have accessed their mortgage account for that money, so Im supposed to repay that mortgage, obviously at the moment I cant do that. I have no idea why Dad went off and organised it when he did instead of leaving it how it was, Im assuming he used money that he had set aside for something else, Im not sure. But best I can figure, he is making the repayments at the moment until Im back at work, which is probably why he is pushing for me to go back to work again of late.

I went to bed at around 2:30am, I just got up at 5am. I slept pretty solidly, I feel pretty refreshed. I know its not going to last but its really nice feeling this way. I feel the best right now that I have felt in ages. There is no headache, my stomach is ok, the ache is minimal, my back pain isnt too bad, even the shoulder pain is not that bad. Its actually a little off putting feeling this good.

When I spoke to Dad last night I said to him about going back to work, I want to but there is a big part of I have to. I really have no choice but to keep working if I want to be treated for my medical conditions. The amount you get paid under DSP is quite a bit less than what I get paid when I work normal hours. Its also far less than what I would need to cover my day to day costs, let alone my medical costs. As Ive said before, my basic medical costs are around $1000 a month, I know I would get medication for much less, that some other medical costs would be reduced but procedures, specialists etc would stay the same and I would be trying to pay for them on a whole heap less than what Im earning even now. When Im working normal hours, I still only really earn enough to get by, I still struggle more often than not. I struggle a lot at the moment and I get about $1300 more than what I would under DSP. So, I am well aware that as much as going back to work is something I want to do, that it would be good for me, I have to go back for my own financial needs. Im also aware that if I were to go onto DSP and not work that it would be the worst thing for my mental health. I think I would really suffer if I was unable to work.

Its 6am now and the refreshed feeling has passed, Im back to being tired, I kinda just dosed briefly. I could pretty easily go back to bed and go to sleep, Im not like bed ready sleepy, but damn close. Id go back to bed but Its like a bit over an hour before I had to get up. I might be able to push it to an hour and a half. But still not really enough time for me to actually go to bed and sleep. Im going to take my morning meds shortly, a bit early to make sure that I dont have the wonky feeling and find myself in a position where I am trying to go to the podiatrist all wonky and shit.

I just cleaned up the wound site, its deep in the groin, being a big guy as well it gets quite moist in that area so Ive been doing my best to keep it dry and clean. I cant see the wound site but I can feel it and the wound has closed up heaps, its amazing how quickly it has healed as much as it has. Its been ages since I had surgery but I dont tend to heal quickly or well. Im really obese but as I now know I have diabetes so that means slower healing especially given Ive only been recently diagnosed so I havent been getting treatment for it either. That said, im happy with how it is healing up, I have a good chance that it will continue to heal without any issue.

I dont get my Dad sometimes, my sister has the heater on inside quite often and up high, sometimes really high like 28 degrees, which is far too high for me and Dad apparently. Due to Dads cancer and chemo he feels the heat so he complains more often than anyone else, plus it uses more electricity to have at a higher tempreture. He keeps changing the tempreture on the heater to 22 degrees, which is too cool but either my sister or I will put it back up. Anyhow, I got into the car this morning and the heater in the car was maxed out, it looks that max is 30 degrees. I can understand if he had it on that tempreture for a bit to warm the car up, but all the way home seems odd given all the crap he goes on about with the tempreture inside the house.

Freaking Mum had a doctors appointment today but didnt actually tell anyone. I was aware she had one coming up either today or tomorrow but not enough for me to actually realise that I might need to do anything about it. She didnt bother to talk to Dad about it, didnt say shit until she was wanting to go.

I went to bed, I slept for a while but one of my creditors rang to let me know that my moro was coming to an end. I had the bankruptcy number handy, its on my phone too so if Im rung I can tell them. I didnt answer the call in time before the stopped calling. It put an end to my sleeping but I kept fighting for a bit to get back to sleep. I rang them back when I woke up obviously, I feel like turd, my head is really sore. My tounge is sore. My back hurts a heap. My shoulder is sore as hell. I was happier before I went to bed, now Im fairly down. to top it all off, Im still freaking tired.

I feel really bad for Dad, he got 5 seconds notice to take Mum to the doctors, he was gone for a couple hour. He got home and I was on the toilet and that was the straw that broke the camels back, he had an accident. Thing is we are all aware that since his chemo he has an issue there, but Mum, true to form persists on treating him like nothing in life has changed for him as a result of his cancer or chemo. Dad and I just spoke briefly and we got onto him being told that he did this wrong or that wrong and he said it gets wearing. I said it must be for him but it does get to me too, you hear Mum talk about how he did this wrong or that wrong and blah, blah, blah. She sits in her bedroom, in her ivory frigging tower, passing judgement on everything he does and doesnt do. It really irritates me, her defence half the time is he did it to me. He might well of and thats not right, doing it to him isnt right either, its worse, you experienced how bad this made you feel, you know know what this did to you, to do that to him with this knowledge makes what your doing worse.

It appeared that going onto this antibiotic was clearing things up for me, my boils seemed to be reducing but now I have large pimples, smaller boils coming up all over the place, and they hurt and/or are itchy as shit. Again, frustration, there is so much thats frustrating me, I really dont know how I remain so calm most the time.

I went and had a chat to Mum, caught her up on stuff. She complained about Dad briefly, Dad woke up to a message from my sister asking for $400 with according to him, no explaination as to why. Mum told me that NDIS has approved a set of noise cancelling headphones, I have a set, they cost $130ish, so I dont know what headphones she is buying for $400. Dad said that it would take a few days to transfer through (due to his bank, its a known issue he has) but he would need it back a couple days after because he had bills. Mum took issue with this for some reason, if he has bills to pay, if he has this money allocated for something then he can only do so much. As I said to Mum its not like he is holding out on her, he has forked over quite a bit of money lately. He also didnt know what the money was for. That said, I said to Mum the number of times he has lent her money and she was going to give him the rebate and time and again thats not happened, so she might have shot herself in the foot. I also said that my sister needs to come to realise that Mum and Dad are not an endless suppy of money, I said that to Mum as much about my sister needing to realise but also for Mum as well, as she has it in her head that he is as well, or atleast should be. Mum does have the money, she could lend it to my sister and wait for the money to refunded. She doesnt want to for the same reason as I said, she knows she wont get it back either. All this, 10 minutes or so after I told Mum that my bankruptcy application was accepted, my Mum is carrying on about my sister getting yet more money out of my Dad that he wont see again, she might not have said it in words but her facial expressions made it clear. She seriously doesnt get, doesnt realise, not even for a second, how this might make me feel. I have to think, I cant imagine anything else and its based on history and experience, that my Mum simply doesnt care how it would make me feel, how it makes me feel that she is so invested in my sister getting everything she wants, that Dad should just pay for what my sister cant. I said to Mum that she could wait until she gets paid, buy the headphones and then get the rebate herself, but according to Mum this wouldnt work, she wouldnt be able to afford this. On the other hand I need a blood sugar monitor and I dont really have the money for it, I have to come up with yet more money for another medical purchase, Im running low on money and I have 20 days or so until I get paid but I need this monitor, its literally a matter of my life, not a pair of very clearly over priced headphones. Fun fact, I had to pee so I got up to leave, my back is giving me a hard time lately, Im pretty convinced its to do with the weather, but I got up and I buckled at the waist. I went face first towards the ground at the waist really quickly, it was painful and Mum showed great concern for me, by  not saying a thing about it, like didnt mention it even a little bit.

I went into the chemist, I got my blood glucose monitor, I had some scripts for my Mum and I got them done. When I went to pay my pharmacist asked if it was for Mum or me. I said it was me, we then got to talking about my shit a bit. She asked how I handle the diagnosises, I said it depends on the diagnosis. I went through a couple of examples and then I said that when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer it knocked me, it really hit me hard. Her mouth nearly hit the floor, she had no idea that I had bladder cancer. She obviously knows or has a rough idea about what Im treated for with medication but thats it. That was the third time today my medical history has caused a medical professional to stop in their tracks. I saw my podiatrist today, we went through stuff that related to my feet and pain came up and I went through in a little of things, I have a comprehensive medical history on my phone, dianosises, medication, allergies, etc. I had given her it to help set me up in her system. A little conversation and she realised just how much pain Im in and she kinda stopped and appologised to me. I also spoke to my Diabeties educator, we talked a bit about pain, etc and again, and again she stopped, she was suprised. She even  went as far to say that the diabeties doesnt even rate issues wise for me and I said it does, its one of the few issues I have some contol over, some input in how bad it affect me etc.

Im going to bed in a sec, Ive taken my night meds early. I feel lousy, my stomach is messed up, headache, back hurts bad, left shoulder hurts, Ive swollen up like a beach ball again, I had to change into baggier pants and take of my underwear pretty quickly because it wasnt uncomfortable, it was painful, Im really frustrated, this shit with how my Mum treats me and my sister so differently. Again stories between Mum and Dad differ but my sister joined in today. Im tired, Im getting drowsy. Im hoping for a few hours sleep. Turned out I got none, I tossed and turned a bit, picked at acne and boils, and scratched in between my legs a heap. Ive had issues with them being itchy for a while, but its stepped it up recently, they are incrdibly itchy all the damn time. Ive made an appointment with a male doctor tomorrow to look to see why. It irritates the hell out of me. I choose a male for obvious reasons, even though my GP has seen it all before, I still dont feel exactly right having her play down there and there would be more playing than previously.

FFS how is this right, I went to bed and couldnt sleep, so I got up again and did a few things on my tablet and promptly dosed on and off. What the hell is with that?

So not long before I had the accident in Mums car Dad was looking for a replacement car for me. After a while my Mum became aware of this and that I was filing for bankruptcy. Next thing she had decided that I could continue to use her car rather than borrow more money for another car. She actually talked to my Dad about it and said that it wasnt the right thing to do to put me further into debt, that I could drive her car and pay for fuel and like they had done with my sister for ages they would pay for servicing, tyres, etc, this was later revised that I would pay for every other servicing. This woud have been really helpful, but then I had the accident, we still dont know if its a write off or not. Dad decided that he would buy a cheap secondhand car so we had a second car, which made sense to me. Thing is, it wasnt until a later that he made mention that it would be me that would be paying for the car. It would be my car as Id be paying for it but it would also be him doing what he wanted to do originally and that would be to get me a car that I was reponsible for tyres, rego, servicing etc. I dont know if he is so keen now as I am officially bankrupt.

[ClockFace]

Its seriously bed time, all I keep doin is dozing. Its been an hour and a half of it. I dont understand why I dont give up and go to bed when it starts but here I am, 12:30am up and awake. The dozing isnt so bad at the moment, all I have to do is have a smoke and actually make my to bed and hopefully fall asleep. When I see the doctor tomorrow, Im going to get him to check my tounge out and see if he has any recommendations.

Im up again about 2:45am, my tounge is irritating me more than anything else at the moment, Im sucking on a strepsil hopefully that gives me some relief. My shoulder is really bad at the moment, there is a lot of pain but also its got a fair bit of numbness, Im managing to type but moving it about etc is pretty painful. I would have really liked more sleep than what I got, a common theme for me, but I didnt so now Im hoping to get tired enough to go back to bed for some more sleep before I see the doctor today. The boils are getting to me a bit this morning, it feels like there is pressur on them or they are being stretched causing them to hurt. My back hurts enough for me to know that its going to be a shit of a day.

I got a bit dozy and tired all the sudden, I might go back to bed in a minute and see if I can get some more sleep. Typically, I wake up and thats the end of me sleeping forthe night, atleast for a few hours. But this morning, it seems to be that I just need to sleep some more than usual.

I have days that I manage things better than others, which could be said of most everyone I would think. I find most days I am immune to whats happening to and around me, like it doesnt affect me but its not because I am controlling my emotional responses well or Im processing the events well and logically so that they arent a significant impact on me. No, its because I have all but switched off, for the most part Im completely dead inside. It cant affect me if I might as well be stone. Mum, Dad and/or my sister can say and do pretty much as they like, but its unlikely that it will have an affect on me or my mood. However, of late I have been finding that the walls are coming down, the stone is melting and what was dead inside has come back to life but more of a vampiric type nature. Where I had become quite desensitised to what was happening around me and to me, I feel that I am now overly sensitive to both. I know that sleep deprevation and my pain will and is, influencing my feelings and how capable I am at managing things day to day. For the greater extent my medical conditions I just accept, their impact on my life, the limitations they impose, the lifestyle changes they require, I just deal with, not every day, not all day. Sometimes, I dont deal well with it at all, particularly the pain, being restricted in getting around etc. The impact on my mental health this sorta stuff has can be incredibly overwhelming. Being exhusted all the time, the constant lack of sleep makes processing the pain, mental health conditions, etc really difficult, it messes with your perception of things. When your not getting more than a couple hours sleep at a time and  only a couple times a day, your just not going to be on your A game. Psychotic experiences add to the difficulty, up until recently, I would experience psychotic episodes regularly. Trying to function, let alone function with the expectation of reasonable decision making is pretty unrealistic. How can you expect someone who is seeing, hearing, feeling thing or feels disconnected from reality to make rational decisions, to process information and whats going on around and to them, is just not fair, yet my family does expect that of me pretty much all the time.

All the above is enough to deal with but true to form my family has to play a game of stacks on. Its not enough for me to be struggling with all the above but my sisters situation had to be dumped on me. Dad is next to useless when it comes to mental health and Mum couldnt even get out of bed long enough to go and see my sister, she barely even rang her, both of which I dont think she has any excuse for but she does her best to blame Dad and I. Like Dad and I werent occupied sufficiently with my sisters situation and Dad still had work. Mum, Mum had herself, she just had to wake up, thats it. So, it was left to me to deal with, I ended up having to take time off work, I ended up with no income and borrowing from Dad to survive and continue dealing with my sister. I gave up everything, I suffered incredibly with my mental health as a result. To add insult to injury, the costs I incurred looking after my sister, that normally would have been incurred by my parents, if they could be bothered taking the situation seriously, those costs I got to take on myself. There was no help offered other than Dad borrowing the money from the bank for me. Mum didnt offer a cent. She says she spoke to my Dad on my behalf, but I dont really believe her, if she did, it wasnt the same as she would have for my sister. If it were my sister in my position, Mum would have kept on going, wouldnt have given up until Dad found a way to come up with the money for her. To add insult to injury there was no/little appreciation shown by my sister, indeed by my family, for what I did. Not that I did it for that reason, but it would be nice to feel like your sacrifices were appreciated. No, there was more about what I got wrong or didnt do.

Due to my own mental health by the end of the first round of hospitalisation for my sister and the way I was left after it, I made it clear that if she were to go into hospital again, I would not be involved like I was or at all other than to give her support. The number of times one of them has tried to drag me into this episode. Even just visiting her, I keep getting asked when Im going down etc. despite my adversion to driving long distances at the moment due to pain, lack of sleep blah blah blah.

The really frustrating and damaging stuff that goes on is the bullshit between Mum, Dad and my sister, I tend to keep out of it though at times I get dragged in. Dad has this fun thing lately of having me involved in conversations as evidence of what was said. Each one of them has a story about an event and none of them  match. The closest you get is my sister siding with one over the other, depending on who is of most benefit to her at the time. But Mum and Dad have different stories about how things happened over the years, important stuff, stuff that has significant bearings on how our family came to be, how and why we moved to the country, why we didnt move back  to the city, about Dad's involvement in church, Mum working, Mum going into a facility and more. Even stuff like what happened to my at school, Mum recons she knew nothing about it, Dad recons she did, Im pretty sure she did and my sister recons it wasnt nearly as bad as I say, then says she doesnt remember her childhood. Even down to recent conversations, Dad can leave my Mums room time and again, having the recollection of a completely different conversation to that of the one my Mum just had. Im left trying to determine who is right or what parts of each story is correct. I tend to rely on the most logical story, what makes sense based on proven knowledge, on historical facts and known information about the individual. Its ridiculous. Then you have Dad who seems to get stuck on information provided by doctors about Mum a year ago and wont change his position when new information is provided by the doctors. Mum isnt much better, she gets stuck on a particular component of something that was said, she is great at taking things out of context. My sister is great at this as well. They both hold onto things said in the past that have since been corrected, appologised for, etc She recounts things that have been said to the people that said it, often incorrectly recounted and will argue with those who said it, even the entire family against her and she will still say she is remembering it right. Im often left wondering and questioning who is lying. My sister has similar qualities but she takes it a step further and out and out lies, she makes stuff up, adds to what was said, twists and manipulates what has been said often then taking that manipulated conversation and brings it up with other people like its fact. She is the cause of so many arguments.

The way my sister is treated in comparrison to me, particularly by Mum is a seriously major issue for me. My sister is favoured by my Mum significantly, she cant do any wrong. Whatever she says is 100% the truth, regardless of what Dad or I say or evidence is provided. Even to the point that Mum has now seen for herself and admits that my sister lies, manipulates, etc but still her word means more than mine (and Dads). Financially, my Mum makes sure that my sister doesnt miss out on anything she want, not about need, wants. Ive gone through the whole thing with my sister stealing from them, that they are just handing  over money for anything and she has no capacity to repay them. On the other hand, I am essentially buying the essentials, what I need for the most part, I have to borrow the money from Dad, Im charged interest. I dont think they should do more for me, I think they do too much for my sister

Im on Salary Continuance Payments, its basically Income Protection Insurance, my case manager reached out today for pretty much the first time since I had my payments approved. He wanted an update, so I took the opportunity and wrote quite a detailed email outlining everything major that is going on, the minor stuff I skipped but still, theres just  so damn much, seriously it took hours to write and I kept details to being enough to get the message across but that was it. Granted I cant just pummel out an email anymore  and I was talking about stuff a bit close to home, I was trying to be open and honest with the guy. By the end of writting it I was so freaking miserable, I exist, thats it. I have no purpose in life anymore, I have nothing to look forward to, nothing other that writing this stuff, I enjoy, my family is toxic, I love each of them but there is no love in the family anymore, I rarely feel any love from any of them. I keep pushing forward, somewhere I seem to be able to drag up some hope that things will improve but Im plagued by the thought of why bother, whats the point.

Im really tired again, Im going to have another sleep, my tempreture keeps fluctuating between 36.3 and 37.9 degrees, my head continues to pound, my back is really painful, my shoulder hurts heaps, my legs ache, my stomach is a cement mixer on top speed, from half way up from my  knees to my man boobs feels bloated and swollen, particularly the top of my thighs/waist area. I sit down and its like my stomach and thighs are trying to integrate into one another. The bottom half of  pubis rise is covered in boils, boils on boils, heaps of them. I have a couple on the top of my right thigh. They are really sore, really uncomfortable. I had them looked at today and there isnt anything they can do other than to give me additional antibiotics, so now Im on two different types trying to get them under control. Im really tempted to find something really sharp and resolve the issue myself, go online and buy a scalpel, those things are frigging sharp. Being a cutter from way back, I dont anymore, havent for years, I dont think Id have any issue doing it myself, so long as I can actually see them, also knowing the immediate relief Id have when the pressure is released would overcome any hesitation I might have.

I have a few things to deal with, with my GP tomorrow but Im considering talking to her and getting her advise as to if I should go back to the main state hospital and see if they will perform surgery again. I really want to do something about this, these boils on my pubis are seriously frustrating, they hurt and when I do my amazing expanding act its so much worse.

Im having something for tea, its 10:30pm and I finally dont feel too much like shit and can actually eat something. But Im ready to sleep too, so Im going to bed afterwards, not ideal but hell I only sleep a hour or so anyhow so sleep hygine isnt a major factor.

Im nearly out of smokes, when I wake up Im going to have to go in and get another packet, it will be early morning at the time I think. I really need to give the stupid things up, it would make things so much easier financially. I love the momentary break I get when I light up but Im going to have to find a way to recreate it or even improve on it with a positive method. I cant go in now as Im too tired,  Im too drowsy, Id end up in a tree or something.

I was in bed for about and hour and a half and Im up again, so its midnight. Ive been up for a little while now and Ive had my eyes shut for most of it. Im pretty tempted to go back to bed and see if I can't get some more sleep. But I am waking up now, eyes are open, so maybe Im awake now. I did try and roll over and go back to sleep but that didnt happen. I think Ill head into town shortly because Im need of smokes. The bloating/swelling has gone down while I was in bed, I took some de-gas before bed as well which helped I think. I actually feel a lot better than average for me at the moment, Ive still got pain, but the chest tightness is gone, stomach is calm, I dont even feel like my butt is going to explode contsantly.

I went into town to get smokes, I got 1x 2ltr iced coffee instead of 2 and some apple and blackcurrent juice. On the way home I decided to finally do a load of washing, which I put on when I get home. I realised I dont have an appointment next week with my GP, I have an appointment tomorrow and then I dont have one for 10 days, so Im going to have to talk to her about getting more than my normal allowance of break through pain medication. It shouldnt be to big of a deal, I used to get what Im going to ask for regularly. I am thinking of cleaning up my side of the table, I havent wiped it down in forever, its really grotty. At the same time Im 1/2 thinking of going to bed, though I have to stay up and wait for the washing to finish. Its just a weird place to be at, Im feeling rather energetic, well a little more than normal and Im tired. It took a lot less effort to clean up than I expected.

I dont get it, I havent changed what Im doing, drinks and food wise so far, Im not really doing the testing as specified but I drink more than I eat so its hard. But so far only the once has my BSL been outside the range that has been specified, Im going to do my own research to make sure the range given was right. A quick look and yep it seems to be correct,  though its 4-8 2 hours after food. Given I dont eat much thats more difficult but you would have to think the BSL would drop more overtime my BSL would stay higher than typical because I drink stuff with carbohydrates (sugars) which would mean my BSL stays higher longer, which would also mean my H1b1c would be higher too. Im going to try and reach out to Diabeties Australia or something and see what they say. Im aiming at changing over to mainly drinking water if I can.

I laid down at 5:30am, I was seriously tired but I couldnt fall asleep, I must have at some point but it was light. But then I woke up a bit before 7am. My chest is again heavy and tight, Im going to have to take my asthma puffers shortly. Its been getting worse lately, Im not sure why, but its been more of an issue. I wonder if stress impacts asthma or exhustion. A couple days ago I tried to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is the psychiatrist that took 3 months to make an appointment with. The triage period is 6 weeks but she had questions and comments and stuff and dragged it out to 3 months. I finally managed to make an appointment with her but when I went to make another appointment a couple days ago I was told she had closed her books and they would have to wait for her to reopen them. They had no time frame for this either. This is her books are closed for current patients. I wrote the company a pretty strongly worded email about the situation, I think I have been really patient but Im kinda at the end of my tether. Its not the platforms fault, she is independant going through them I would imagine. I really need a psychitrist that I can count on, that I know when I ring to make an appointment Im going to be able to get into them within a reasonable time frame. That doesnt seem to be her, which sucks because I actually think her and I could work together well. She wasnt all warm and cuddly but there was something about her that suited me, that I liked. With everything I have going on mentally and physically, and my family environment I really need to be seeing a psychiatrist and I need to have one that I can actually rely on. So, I asked them to recommend another psychiatrist that would be able suit my conditions and situation, Ive asked if the referral they have can be transferred or if not when I submit a new one it can be actioned urgently, not the whole 6 week triage thing. The main reason I wanted to see the psychiatrist was because I wanted to discuss my sleep issues, somewhere along the lines someone has to do something about it, I cant keep existing on a few hours sleep over the course of 24 hours. The effects of so little sleep is compounding night after night. My sister doesnt sleep at all for nights at a time and then crashes out for a couple days, I dont know why she does it but thats what she does. I keep waiting for me to crash out, but it doesnt happen.

Im so tired, l have to leave in 10/15 min for my GP appointment. Im happy enough to get around in just my track pants at home but when I go out I have to put on some underware, especially when Im heading to the doctors and they might need me to take off my pants, Id feel so grotty. Im swollen though and my jocks are digging in and Im pretty uncomfortable. Simply because of all the boils Im bigger and my jocks are pushing against them so they hurt more.

You wouldnt believe how tired, how worn out I am just from being me. I cant even wear a pair of jocks without it being challenging. I just drove into my GP, it feels like I'm wearing a sandbag in the front of my jocks. I had my appointment, went through the scripts I need. My Odema has got worse and medication review is in but GP decided we would discuss later. Bone Mineral Density scan is all good. I asked her at what point I can go down to the primary ER and get in to have it drained. She decided to have a look at it, she hadnt yet as she hadnt been involved with the wound care. She had a look, felt the area and said it was really warm and red, next thing its that its not a boil, its cellulitis. Ive had that before, as has my sister. My sister had a really bad case of it, my last round with it was kinda minor. But this one not so much. I have to monitor it over the next 48 hours, if it stays the same or gets worse then I have to go to ER and be put on IV antibiotics, Id like to avoid that if I can. My GP talked about hospital at home or going through priority care which wouldnt be as bad, I might have to come in every day or something for treatment for a while, either which way it would be better than being admitted to hospital but it will still suck. I said to my GP that I was gonna talk to her about my shoulder but my sleep was a bigger issue to be addressed. We talked a bit, Im averaging about 3-4 hrs sleep over a 24hr period and its more naps than solid sleep. She still isnt keen in prescribing sedatives, she was on about melatonin, but that doesnt work for me, apparently it doesnt work for my sister or mum either. So we are tryiing an antihistamine to see if that will me with my sleep.

Its really getting to me today, there is always something, always something that Im having to deal with medically. I always managing something, Ive always got so much to talk to about my doctor that we cant fit it in to even a long appointment. There are constantly so many issues to be addressed and the moment I think we are running out or getting on top of things something new comes out of left field. I went and did a couple jobs after the doctors appointment this morning, a bit of shopping, etc. I went to Coles, I went up one isle and down another, that was it, I cant get to the cold/frozen area, most the isles. Fortunately, I can get to the pre-made meals area and to the drinks on the way down. I finished up, I couldnt go through the checkout, I was in too much pain to wait in line, so I went through self-service but once I was done I had to sit on the lounge outside Coles, I sat for quite a while, I was in all sorts of pain. I got back to the car and drove to Wollies where I had to get one of the staff to grab a 20 pc water for me because Im too messed up to be able to pick that up myself. Im not sexist at all, but I felt so weird, I spoke to a guy who initally said no problem but then palmed me off to a female cashier and I felt like so incredibly immasculated. The lady helping me did nothing wrong, she was incredibly helpful and even if it was the guy who helped me I think I would have felt somewhat the same, it was probably worse that it was a female. I was brought up to be the helper, particularly helping women, protecting them and here I was asking a young woman to carry something heavy for me to the register, transact the payment and then out to the car. Ive been disabled for a couple of decades, but up until all this carry on with the procedures I got by on my own. I would have picked up the water, I would have hurt myself but it would have been managable, worst case Id have some pain killers and the following day I would be ok. Now, not so much. The young woman put it in the boot for me and when I got home I asked Dad to bring it inside. I was going to break it down and bring it in bit by bit but I cant do it today. I got home around about 4.5hrs ago and the water is still in the car, Dad is the one on about me drinking more water, it needs to be cooled so I want to put some in the fridge so I cant start drinking it, which needs Dad to bring it in. Maybe Ill have to break it down. I dont like this feeling of needing others to help me with such basic things. Worse still, Dad is basically useless when it comes to most everything I deal with, but bringing in some water, that cant be that hard to do, to provide that support. He has come in to feed the dogs so Im gonna ask him again. My shoulder is causing me a lot of issues, a lot of pain, they have done cortizone but that didnt help. I need to speak to my GP about further options but it keeps getting put off due to other shit. I cant just not use my arm, so unless it goes completely numb and I drop something then I just use it, which means it damn well hurts a lot. Then my tounge, Im having to use antiseptic mouth wash regularly to help minimise the pain, along with that Im using anaesthetic lozengers to help too. My tounge doesnt seem to be getting better at all, I just manage the pain of it.

I went down earlier to Mum to see if she could outline the extent of the cellulitis in pen and take a photo. To be honest Im not overly keen on doing that simply because of where it is, I can pull my pants down just to expose the rise and not everything else but still its just a little bit weird. Anyhow, she, ofcourse was asleep again. I figured that I might be able to lucky shot a photo but because of my weight, my overhang means I cant see that region but also I cant get a photo of everything, it sorta rolls over and covers most the top part. But I did get in short, some of the area and it is not just red its mean and red, its incredibly how angry it looks. Given where it is, Im really worried that it will travel south and an area of my body I really dont want affected by this or anything for that matter, will be infected. That will be the last straw I think, I really dont know how I will cope if that happens, that may push me over the edge a bit.

I went down to have a shower and Mum had finally woken up. I got her to take a photo of whats going on, more so I can see everything. Its a mess and its massive, its no wonder Im in pain, so uncomfortable. My doc said about seeing how it goes over 48 hours but I think, unless it looks less like a bumbag below my gut tomorrow Im going to get Dad to drop me off at ER regardless. I feel like shit, I really do feel awful. My guts hate me again and my head is pounding. Im so exhusted, I cant explain how tired I am. I havent experienced exhustion like this before. Mum is suprised that my GP didnt send me to hospital straight away. But ofcourse we had to relate it to when my sister had something, not remotely similar and how much worse that would have been for her. She effectively had a cyst type thing that she had to manually drain each day. I dont know how that is worse or compares at all to what Im dealing with. Then it was the gentle reminder that my sister has had it a couple of times and she was in hospital. I dont need reminding, you guys go on about it often enough, especially considering she didnt have complications associated with cellulitis. She just had the infection as I do, Im early into it so I dont know, I might end up in hospital yet. Im trying to avoid it and if I can do at home or go in regularly, thats what I will do. I dont see the point in being in hospital to have IV antibiotics once every so often. Id rather be able to be in my own surroundings inbetween them. I said to Dad that if Im not a lot better tomorrow Ill have to get him to drop me off at the hospital. Id normally take myself but given we have one car it makes sense that Dad holds onto it.

Im going to bed super early tonight, like 7pm is the goal. Ive started taking my medications at 6pm so that goal should be all good. The antihistimine is 1-3 tablets, I was tempted to take all 3 but I went for 2, middle of the road.. Im really, really hopeful it will let me actually get some sleep tonight. I really need some sleep tonight.

[tyme]

I sure hope you get some relief @ClockFace . I can't say I know much about cellulitis, but it sounds very painful. I'm also very interested to read of your involvement with the church in the past. It sounds like you were very committed. Do you find comfort in religion now?

[ClockFace]

@tyme 

I grew up in a very religious house. We were all seriously involved and Dad was very much attached to it. Im not involved at all anymore, either is my sister or Mum. Dad stopped for a long time but started going back a while ago. I stopped going to church about 15 years ago. There were a lot of reasons I stopped going but the whole prosperity doctrine of you give and you will get, really rubbed me the wrong way. 

I dont find comfort in religion anymore. I have a very different perspective since leaving church on life and the world as to when I was I was as involved in the church. I dont have an problem with the perspective of people who attend church etc. but I find that it is really limited. I find that if things dont fit within their world view then they dont matter or need to be bent to it. I enjoy embrassing as many views as possible and challenging my preconceptions etc. I suppose thats what I find a bit of comfort in now is viewing things from as many different perspectives as I can, not being confined to what I have been indoctrinated to believe since I was able to comprehend anything more than if I cry Ill get a feed. 

I cant imagne I would go back to church anytime soon. Religion, the restriction of belief doesnt hold any appeal to me. Even within the pentecostal movement, it has become religious, its less about freedom within  the Holy Spirit etc than conforming to church expectations etc. Being that Ive seen the behind the scenes side of the church and how its run, Ive been very tainted by that. So I would find it hard being comforted in that environment.

[ClockFace]

I went to bed at 7pm and slept until 10:30pm, that is the longest Ive slept in a really long time. I had really hoped though that it would have helped me sleep through the night, so that Id have woken up at the earliest like 4am. Tomorrow night Ill take the full amount I can and shee how I go with that. I dont know what that means for me for tonight, will I get tired enough to sleep again before its time to get going tomorrow morning? I hope so, a bit more sleep would really help me out. Ive been up for an hour, Ive had tea and now Im really tired again so much so that Im tempted to go back to bed. I just woke up from falling asleep at the table. I dont feel overly tired, but if I stop for a moment,  even briefly thatss it Im dozing

I think something happened to the schedual for my SANE councillor appointments, I have one booked for Monday but I havent received notification, I didnt have one schedualed for last week but I had messages and a call anyhow.  So I think I have them mixed up in my diary. I have my psychologist on Tuesday so that worked out well, timing is actually good.

Im about to go back to bed, I keep on dozing off even though I dont fel tired, I feel pretty ok, like generally like I normally do, not like I am about to fall asleep. Well, I promptly fell asleep after writing the above in my chair at the table. Its rather annoying, the show Im watching, Im really enjoying and I slept though a heap of it, it seems like I missed some really important bits.

Last night I got up and went into town to get smokes about 1am. Before I went to bed and leading up to it I was really tired and driving would have been dangerous. I figured driving after I woke up would be much better. Dad however was like where the hell did you go in the middle of the night last night? I explained to him but it was obvious he wasnt happy. Its not the first time thought that I had done something like this, Id go into town all hours of the day or night. But in the past it was in Mums car or my own, now Im drving Dads car apparently its an issue. He has always had an issue when my sister did it in her own car but never said anything to me in the past. I dont see the problem, Im up all hours, so it makes sense Id drive all hours too.

My stomach is churning again. Its not something people talk about as freely as I do I suppose but I finally went to the loo yesterday for the first time in like 5 days. It didnt help me feel less uncomfortable not being able to poop for that long but once I had gone a couple of times it was heaps better. Im hoping however that my stomach churning and feeling like it is that it means Im going to go again.

My mind is pretty chill at  the moment, its really incredibly rare that Im this calm, that my insides dont match my face. I recon I look pretty calm etc most of the time, that for the most part I just look chill. I dont really express on my face how I feel very often. Though what expression would a fac make that would reflect that your brain is going a million miles an hour. But for the first time in I dont know how long my mind is just chill, its relaxed. Im not completly vacant but its like quiet, its flood water thats returned to the stream it was, what it was meant to be. Its really quite nice.

Im starting to feel really tired, its weird, Im dozing off and not feeling tired but now Im getting tired and Im more alart than Ive been in hours. I decided that I want some icecream though, so now Im waiting for that to melt a bit so I can eat it. Its odd the craving I have for icecream at the moment. Ive had a thing for it lately, I havent eaten heaps of it but what I have eaten has been the more expensive kind, the really good quality stuff. I tend not to eat nearly as much when Im eating the good stuff.

Its just after 2am, Im going to go to bed after Ive had a smoke and see if I can get a few more hours sleep. The last tub of ice cream I got was mint and cookies, its ok but not hugely nice, I wont get it again.

I woke up at 5:30am, thats more sleep than Ive had in I dont know how long. It wasnt one continual sleep but still it was heaps more sleep than I was used to. I dont know if its all over, I might go back to bed in a bit, Im not ruling it out today. I have nothin on today, so sleep might be the most practical thing I can do. I think the infection has reduced a bit, it I dont feel ilke its so huge, which is a really good feeling. My right hip is seriously sore, I know I have arthritis there but still I could do without it just at the moment.

Im awake but still Im really tired, Im waiting to feel more awake, before I start driving anywhere. Its freezing cold this morning, Im not overly keen in going outside.

I just checked out the cellulitis, I was hoping that it might have improved over night but no, it looks around the same, maybe worse but not better thats for sure. So, off to ER this afternoon it will be, which doesnt at all, in anyway thrill me. Im actually really kinda ticked off. Ill wait until Dad gets home from church to go in to hospital, I dont think a few hours are going to make much difference. I might try and have a few hours sleep before I go into hospital. Mum goes on about how my sister had this or that, she had cellulitis in her legs which wouldnt have been comfortable Im sure, though Id say where I have it even less so. The thing that she misses, she always seems to gloss over is that my sister didnt go through these things with some stiff  upper lip, like it wasnt as if she didnt carry on constantly, even after she got home from hospital it went on and on for ages. I dont do that, I mean I simply dont, Mums not around to winge too, Dad isnt the one to winge to about things, neither is my sister, she  always has it far worse off. Ive decided that Im going to get Dad to drop me off on the way to hospital, Im really feeling like shit, Im super tired again. I was going to have a sleep before hospital. I think Im going to have a shower shortly, just to freshen up and its calming sitting under hot running water. Im bloating as well, so it will help me feel a bit better. Turns out the hot water wont come on, I have to assume there is something up with the gas cyclinders. Dad just came in and said that the thing that says to change over didnt work, he kicked it and it worked. To me that would mean we would change bottles, we have 2. But no, we're out of gas and the absolute earliest we could get another bottle would be tomorrow but probably Tuesday.

My tempreture just hit 38 degrees, I feel like Ive hit some kind of milestone.

I have been wondering of late about my family, particularly in relation to love. My SANE councillor sent me some links to prompts for journaling and there was a number about love which over night made me think about all the times I have thought about love in the confines of our family. I want to try and avoid inferring stuff about if my parents and sister can love, do love etc. I do question if they understand what love is and isnt, Im not exactly black or white kinda person, I get that there is a whole heap of grey. However, I swim in the grey for as long as I need to determine black or white, sometimes things stay in the grey, thats fine, sometimes its not so simple as its this or that. But, for me, love is one of those things that is this or that, there isnt a grey area once a person decides that they love someone else and if you think it is anything but a decision your wrong, completely wrong. It might start as butterflies in your stomachand what not but the long term committment is a decision that someone makes.

Ive never been a parent, I dont really ever want to be but so I cant speak for parents, but as a child, I dont think its that much different. When you born through to probably adolescents you basically love your parents and siblings unconditionally as you dont know any different. I think once you get to your teenage years or around that time you start to realise that loving is a choice, from my experience that was directed more towards my sister than my parents, it seems to me that it felt like it was not an option not to love them but my sister, Mum would remind me that I loved her. I look back now and think to myself that if it weren't inherit that we loved our family, why would parent need to remind their kids that they loved each other, like when fighting etc. Its optional. It wasnt until recently with my Mum not coming out of her room, etc that I realised that loving your parents is also a choice.

I'm not saying that there isn't a connection between family members. You can't spend so much time living together, being as open and vunerable as you you often are with those people. I imagine even in a broken home that connection is emphasised by the risk of it being ripped apart. I understand that this is a bit generalised, I can only talk from my experience and occasionally from what I imagine it would be like in circumstances different to my own.

I don't think it's just living together, its who you live together during your formative years, the years that shape the building blocks of who you are. Having people around you, your family etc aunts, uncles and cousins while you are working out who you are somewhat, you cant imagine your life without them in it because it's all you've known.

What we have with others is a connection, we see this as love but until we actively make the choice to love someone, until its choice thats made, its not love, it might be a form of love but its untested, its not until its tested that you can say that its truely love.

I went to ER this morning, they've sent a request for an ultrasound but its through a 3rd party, the ER doesnt have their own equipment. The 3rd party isnt open over the weekend and will only come in for urgent cases the rest are pushed for Monday. Once Ive had the scan I have to go back to ER. With the ultrasound they are looking to see if there is a collection of fluids somewhere. Depending on the results they will decide how to proceed. Be it with oral antibiotics or IV and if IV then it will hopefully be hospital at home, instead of me going into hosptial.

I had a nap soon after I got home, Im still really wiped out though. My tempreture isnt too bad but its on the rise again. I am going to be aiming for another early night again, though no antihistimine tonight. I keep swapping between freezing cold and hot, Dad came in from outside and I had the heater on and the said something about it, because its boiling, which may be true, but Im sick so thats the kind of shit that happens. Im seriously so uncomfortable when I sit down, its not just pain.

It Sunday, so its rubbish day, I keep a bin on the table next to me, just a coles paper bag. It hardly had a thing in it and Dad has damn well taken the bag. Now I have no bag, Im really not happy about it. Dads gone in to get me some more lancets for my diabetes checks and a couple things for Mum.

I seriously dont know what she expects of me, she being my Mother. I went down to have a chat with her, just to check up on her, like I do most days. The conversation ends up all about my sister, yet again, how Dad didnt do this or that, one of the things pointed out was when Dad rang my sister he didnt ask her how she was. The number of times my I have gone to see my Mum, gone to have a shower etc, my Mum hasnt asked how I was, shit this last time I went down and she complained that Dad didnt ask my sister how she was, Mum didnt ask me either, but guarenteed she has a reason, an excuse. Then we are on to my sister's "space". 1/2 the conversations I have with Mum have something to do with my sister having a "space". Mum was on about redoing a shipping container for her for a while. Then she wanted to move into the flat, the only source of income they have now Dad has retired. Then today Mum decides to hit me with my sisters latest idea, I move my work office into the backroom, which is just an enclosed verandah, which Dad will put a roof on for me, this instead of me being under the main roof. But that frees up the office space and they will clear out the second lounge and she can have both them. I told Mum to talk to Dad and they can decide, Ill go along with what ever. Mum pressed me, I obviously wasnt happy. So, being sick, like Im in the ER this morning, back tomorrow sick, she decides to push me, where I obviously dont want any part of it. I started and got a little groucy by the end of it. I dont understand this whole freaking "space" thing, she has the biggest room in the house, other than Mums, she taken over 1/2 the house already. Now, she wants to add 2 largish rooms to her collection for her "space". What really set me off is that if she is in the rooms, I would have to go from my room down the hall, through the kitchen, through the back room, through the office and then into Mums room, instead of out my room, through the lounge, through the office into Mums room and it seemed to me that that ask should be completely fine. Heres my thing, its not about my sister getting rooms, it bugs me but thats like a pin drop in the Saharh desert from a plane, you find that pin in the sea of my annoyance and frustation, my hurt. When do we stop just giving my sister everything she wants, she treats both of them like an endless supply of money, an ATM she can just withdraw what she wants. Its not even for shit like medication etc. its for or because she has bought hand bags, or some other thing. She bitches and moans about Mum last time she was in hospital, like it was full on, she said Mum was abusive, all sorts. Now this time around, Dad is the asshole and we are on his case 24/7. But she still expects him to come down, bring shit, buy shit, sit there and get shat on for what he hasnt done, complain about Mum and me. Dad cant go an hour from the toilet and Mum is on about him eating fruit and taking stuff like imodium. The man has had chemo, he has had issues since he had chemo, he crapped himself just the other day because Mum would come home when he asked. Normal medications etc dont help, the chemo screwed his insides, it just has, it wont get better for him so stop being a bitch and accept what has been going on for a few years now. Now her grand idea is for me to move my office into a shitty area of the house which I guarentee wont have a roof when I move, that will be a job that they (Dad) get to at some point. Its a tiled floor so my chair will roll all over the place and it will be cold. Unless its an amazing job done on the roof, its going warm up massively on hot days and be cold on cold days. The next thought is to move the air con from the lounge to the back room. The one in the lounge isnt used anymore because we put in a wall split.

Mum just bend over backwards constantly for my sister, everything revolves around her, she has made it really clear that her only priority is my sister. Ive been going down and spending time with Mum to make sure she is ok, to spend time with her, to build a relationship, but it has just turned into a bitch session about my Dad and talking about my sister. it was great at the start, I enjoyed my time with her, we talked about stuff we both wanted to talk about. I was able to share my opinions and thoughts, thats all gone. I got a little vocal, I was really straight with my opinion and it wasnt the same as hers, it wasnt what she wanted to hear. I swear she expected me to jump for joy and think this was a fantastic idea. Dad can spend some more money making another room suitable for me to work from home from, so I can move, so my sister can have her "space", so the rest of the family can avoid that space and walk around it.

I reiterated that, her, Dad and my sister work out whats best and do that and Ill work myself out. I said that I didnt come down to fight and I was sorry and walked out. I knew if I stayed, we would either sit in silence or she would try and justify her actions, tell me how Im wrong to feel how I was feeling, etc. and I really wasnt interested in any of it.

Dad was outside burning stuff off and rang me about the hot water, he managed to fix it which was awesome, I had a shower later on. I really needed to clean my wound area. When I answered the phone Dad immediately picked up something was wrong. I told him what had happened, he said a number of times that he was sorry. That said, he wont do anything, he wont say anything, he is just as happy to hang me out to dry as the rest of them. Though it would just be another reason he would be hung out to dry.

I dont know why Mum expected me to react any different, each time she has come up with some scheme about "space" for my sister it is going to cost money or require a heap of work. She wont cough up the cash and she wont do the work, she will instruct as to what needs to be done and complain if its not done exactly how she says. My sister steals a heap of money, takes money from my Mum, lies, manipulates, whatever and gets caught out time and again but still they keep paying for everything she wants, when she wants it and now we have to find her a "space" and pay for that. Putting people into miserable shitty spots in the process, well thats just gravy.

I think what it is, what it really boils down to is I just dont know what I did to make her dislike me so much? Maybe its nothing I did, maybe its just me that she doesnt like? Shit, I barely like myself, why should she?