Lived Experience Forum

[creative_writer]

I need to cry right now and let it out😭.

[Peregrinefalcon]

Nothing wrong with crying it out @creative_writer! I hope you are travelling okay today 💛 

[creative_writer]

@Peregrinefalcon, I don’t really get much opportunity to break down, it just keeps building. The only time I’m truly alone and nobody will question me is at night. By the time I’m in bed, I’m too tired to cry.
❤️

[creative_writer]

The anger is gone. The shame has quietened. However, This sense of loss is hard, I’ve lost so much.

[creative_writer]

This agitation is getting too much, I need to do something about it before it is my undoing. My heart is racing, my thoughts are racing, I can’t slow down. This energy just doesn’t feel good. I know my brain is capable to producing good energy, but decides to produce negative energy. It makes me want to do things I shouldn’t do.

[creative_writer]

Will I be found? Is there a purpose in this pain?

[hanami]

Hi @creative_writer 

I'm wondering what you mean exactly by 'will I be found'. 

Sending hugs

Hanami

[creative_writer]

Hi @hanami, meaning will my screams just fall silent or will I be found and heard by others? I guess it’s about whether I’ll find the connection I want.
🫂

[hanami]

@creative_writer I feel that you have many amazing connections right here on the forums. And I don't doubt your 'screams' would be heard in the 'real' world. People in your life care about you and would definitely help. 

Sending hugs

Hanami

[creative_writer]

@hanami, I think the issue is, whenever I’m around people I feel like all my screams aren’t being heard. Like nobody sees me. They see the cover, the care for that cover, but it’s not me, they love the shell. Then I suppose I cry alone, and have mastered the skill of silent sobbing. I don’t really feel that safety with people in my real world. One of the drivers for my SI is not feeling worthy and loveable as I truly am. I am safe right now.