Lived Experience Forum

[girl99]

I am in a terrible situation and would like some advice please.

I have been off work for a few years (on workers compensation).  It has been pretty awful for me and I have been trying to get back into the workforce.  I recently discovered people at my work have been saying some 'not so nice' things about me and I now know that I cannot return there.  I am a very sensitive person and very hurt by the comments they made about me.  I can't sleep at night and feel like vomiting.

I feel like I have to resign as my reputation has been ruined and I cannot work in a professional capacity any longer.  I just want to crawl under a rock and hide away.

It is so upsetting as I used to be a smart and educated person and now I am just nothing.  Having constant dealings with my workplace is causing ongoing problems and I know the only way to end my dealings with them, is for me to resign.

Do you think it is okay for me to say 'Due to ongoing concerns regarding my mental health, I can no longer continue with this process and I therefore tender my resignation'.    

It is important for me that they know they have caused me ongoing problems, but I know they simply don't care - so should I bother telling them or not? Or should I just resign without saying anything else?

[utopia]

@girl99. Is this a different company than the one where you went on workcover?
Have you spoken to HR or your manager about the 'talk' that is going on about you? As I think the company needs to deal with 'gossip' so they can stamp out this behavior at work.
I don't know if you need to say that your mental health is the reason you are resigning. That's something you need to decide. Can you say the workplace is not suitable for you?

[girl99]

It is the same company and they have treated me very badly.  Part of me wants them to know how their actions and behaviour have had a really detrimental affect on me.   I'm thinking of asking my dr to write them a letter stating that due to my deteriorating mental health and the way they have treated me, I have no other choice but to leave. I'm so angry and upset at them. thanks Utopia, I do like your suggestion about stating that the workplace is not suitable for me, but I would like the wording to be a bit stronger.

[utopia]

@girl99. I understand why you want the wording to be stronger. I'm still angry at my old workplace. They made things so much harder than they needed to be when my mental health deteriorated. Often when I was feeling stronger, I would be knocked back down by them.
Take care of yourself. You and your health must come first.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @girl99,

Your workplace sounds like it hasn't been supportive at all. What a horrible situation to be in. 

I think letting them know why you are leaving can help you feel heard, and hopefully get them to think about how they might better manage instances like these. Getting formal documentation from you doctor is a good idea.

Would you have an exit interview? They're a great opportunity to air any grievances. 

[girl99]

I know I have to resign and I cannot go back there as I nearly had a total breakdown when I was working there and I am only just recovering.  They have been such bastards to me.  I would have an exit interview but I don't want to go anywhere near the building or see any of my ex colleagues.   

It's so depressing to think that after a good professional career that I am now on the scrap heap and have nothing to offer the community.  It will now be on my file that I had (or still have depending on how you look at it) a mental illness.  No one will ever employ me again now.  

Depressed

[Needcoffee]

Hi @girl99,
So sorry to hear about your ongoing issues with work. It sounds like a really toxic situation. Can I just say that for me, when I eventually left an horrific workplace, that once I realised I would never need to deal with any of those people again, a weight lifted off me and that healing could truly start? I was so desperate to retain my job which I thought gave me purpose and my identify that the thought of resigning and "losing" everything was terrifying. But when I finally pushed the button the healing could begin. I understand your desire to have them acknowledge what they did and how badly you've been treated but they won't in any meaningful way I fear. Ultimately whatever they say can never undo what's happened. You though still have your skills and intellect and will find other, more supportive environments though. I was so burned out I couldn't work so after a time I volunteered and kept myself active and one day after being shown gratitude and being thanked for the umpteenth time something clicked. I realised my worth and abilities and it dawned that my previous workplace had robbed me of my confidence and self belief. That other people and places appreciate me and that I have so much to give. I hope you can soon reconnect with how much you can contribute and how little your recent workplace will matter to you in time. Let them go. It sounds essentially like an abusive relationship. Your abusers don't get to define you or limit your future. Turn your back, walk away and start truly healing. I promise time and distance and constructive, positive thinking will make your future more enjoyable than your recent past.
Cheers,
NC

[girl99]

Thanks NC - I really liked your kind words and I agree that it is time to walk away from the bad workplace and their toxic culture.  When you left your awful workplace did you tell them why or just left it unsaid?

I'm seeing my doctors this week to talk to them about the best way to leave.  And volunteer work sounds like a good starting step to trying to get back some of my confidence.  I feel so crushed and useless at the moment and it's so hard to bring myself up when I feel so down.  

[Needcoffee]

Morning G,

Im glad my post was of some value. It's helpful when others have been there.

When I left I was burned out and hurt and resentful at my treatment. Having been in management though I knew that the people responsible would never hear or understand my feelings and that my resignation email would simply be sent to HR for records and IT to have my acounts and access closed. A simple set of administration. There would be no soul searching by any of the protagonists. There would be no resolution or real closure.

The 15 odd years since as given me a lot of perspective. The workload and lack of support and internecine conflict were just symptoms of poor management, human nature and a challenging, under-resourced environment. Too much work and stress and I'd had my buttons pressed and then I pressed their buttons and it escalated.

I since realised that my fears and doubts and anger and frustration were responses I'd had. They hadn't actually put any of those inside me. I'd lacked the resources and support to deal with the seemingly impossible workload they'd given me. Other more mature staff I subsequently realised simply refused to accept or take on work that was excessive. They also didn't take things as personally as i did. They were assertive and realistic and were able to say no. I didn't have those skills at that point.

I simply wrote that i resign effective today. I felt so worthless and like a failure so at the same time as well as being angry at them I was furious at myself for having "failed" them. They couldn't hear my truth so why bother trying to tell them anything they couldn't/wouldn't hear? It wouldn't change anything. I figured they'd let all this happen because they hated me.I reasoned that I was unworthy and would just disappear.

I don't know the specifics of your workplace but ultimately it comes down to our responses I find. Those of us with a more anxious disposition are going to feel things more accutely and suffer more than others but for me a light bulb went off over my head one day and i realised Im responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds and whilst thats scary it's also empowering. No one can "make" me feel or do anything. That means Im in charge rather than at the whim of others. I also connected with the concept of fear and how it was my main motivator. Everything I did was because i feared not doing it. That was in my work, relationships and my self talk. Addressing that has really changed my life.

But leaving that toxic work environment was the start and I wish I'd done it much sooner. Took a while though and i found the volunteering really helped.

I volunteered at several places which got me out of the house, kept Centrelink off my back and gave me purpose. The things I was doing were 5% of my capacity yet the gratitude and the ability to use my own initiative and the sense of achievment really led me to enjoy going to these places and pretty soon i was more plugged in to what I could do and how useful i was rather than to the old negatives Id felt about myself. it also meant I didnt have huge gaps in my CV and the places id volunteered were so grateful for my help that i got glowing references when i did start applying for jobs. I renewed myself and recreated who i was, how I treated others and how i chose to be treated and began my next job with that mindset.

As far as you feeling crushed and useless, you're neither 😉 It may feel like it but it doesn't make it factual. I can guarantee you there are places and situations where you'd be invaluable and very welcomed. You can and will find a way to navigate through this and be in a happier, better place once you really connect with deserving to. We all deserve to be happy. How much of our energy do we put into being that way?

Cheers,

NC