Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

Hi, seeing my therapist tomorrow afternoon. There's so much going on inside my head and I am angry with him and nervous all in one. I don't trust him but I don't have a choice either cause I am broke and he is providing voluntary counselling service. Since last July, I have seen him about 14 times. As soon as there is some trust built, there is another reason for him to be absent and I can't see him on another day to make up for it so a missed appointment means a two week gap.

He works for a charity organization, and receives supervision from other therapists. During one of my crazier moments this past week, I sent him a text message that I had forgotten his surname and if he could remind me. I got a text message back on his phone number that it is the policy of the organization not to share the personal details of their volunteers and if I was in crisis I should contact one of the emergency services. 1. The only person who knows that my asking him for his surname was a link to suicidal behaviour was him so my intimate discussions are going to some strangers in some charity group. He could have replied himself and just said that we could discuss it on Friday...but no...apparently there are several people in the consulting room with us and which I know nothing about. 2. Even before this, I have been having difficulty with the missing appointments. With my angry alter being around, I don't feel the warmth that I felt about him before. It's like looking at your friend and feeling nothing about them, they may as well be strangers...they feel like a stranger. 3. What do I do with the alter which is angry with him. I have not switched in front of him and I try too control things as much as possible. My being angry triggers the alter and I am terrified they will come out and say horrible things. 4. I want to die, there's no use in doing therapy anymore, but if I say that, it's going to be a trip to hospital for me. This purgatory...can't live, not allowed to die.

😭😭😭

[Lemonjuice]

Wonder how much it would cost to hire an assassin? 🤔

[Lemonjuice]

Oh yeah...and another thing...in a couple of weeks it's Valentine's Day. One more year with no one to love or spend the day with.

[Queenie]

Hey @Lemonjuice, I hear what you are saying about your therapist because I am having similar problems with my support worker at present. It must be difficult having an alter that is angry towards him (I cannot imagine what that is like). I have to ask, does he understand the full extent of your DID? 

I know counsellors and therapists have regular supervision as part of their self-care strategies and professional development. Is it possible he was instructed to text you that text in regards to his surname? It's a question you could always ask him. 

Must sound so conflicting, your therapist/client relationship. Before you felt warmth, but now you feel nothing. That must not be helped by the fact you have not been seeing him regularly enough. Perhaps this is another thing you could raise with him?

Hang in there Lemonjuice, lean on us here if you need to. 

[Chamomile]

Hi @Lemonjuice,

I can hear that things are really tough right now. I can understand how being in a position of really needing help, and at the same time not trusting/connecting well with the person who is supposed to be giving it to you, could be a recipe for hopelessness. Please let us know if there is anything that we can do to support you at the moment, we are here via chat and phone if you'd like to talk things through.

[Lemonjuice]

@Queenie Yeah, he knows there are others. One time, one of the others slipped out and I realised it a little too late and struggled to get them back in. As I was coming back, I could hear him asking, "you still believe you don't have DID?"

I am thinking the same thing about the supervision part, so I am holding on until I am sure. It's just I'm afraid that he is still new enough to counselling that my suicidal threats or talk might be freaking him out and he's passed me on to supervisors. I feel like I'm in trouble or he wants to get rid of me.

Leaning on you guys has kept me alive the last couple of weeks. It was really hard to reach out because I'm terrified of being put in hospital and my family finding out. So far, I haven't made an attempt or self-harmed because I've been here. 💓💓💓

[Queenie]

Hey again @Lemonjuice, firstly there's no need to feel like you're in trouble with your therapist because I doubt that is the case. If he is seeking supervision with regards to your particular case, it is most likely so he can improve on his performance and help you better. If he is relatively new to counselling, it is likely he will need supervision more often. It isn't anything personal against you at all. 🙂 

Keep leaning on us if you need to. That's what we are there for after all.  

[Lemonjuice]

Ok, this is it. I'm going to sleep. I hate the countdown to therapy sessions. Please be ok. Breathe!

[Lemonjuice]

And we're awake...from 3am. Oh what joy! Now I get to lay here thinking about the long day ahead, how I'm going to cope with five hours of sleep, being on the road most of the day and topping it off with an appointment all the way into the city at 5.30pm to see my counsellor. What am I going to say to him and what is he going to say to me. Dear God, what if the others appear. It's so embarrassing and frightening. I feel so out of control and that makes me even more anxious. I'm so tired of holding on for dear life and sanity. I'm so tired of wanting and never having. So tired of my body and mind. I'm not going to...but damn this temptation...this house is full of meds, it would be so easy. No more suffering, I could be with dad and my dog and grandparents, safe and happy and at peace. No, instead I'm here, 4.39am counting the hours till I see my therapist...as if he can make things any better.

Gonna try get some sleep again.

[Artaud]

Hi Lemon Juice,

it is artaud the moderator just checking in with you t6o see you are ok. 

Artaud