Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate what you wrote and I do understand what you're saying.

I think the first thing is that I need to learn to love myself.  I think youre right in saying that I don't value myself as a person, wife, mother etc. I am so much learning to do.

I think I am scared of taking a leap of faith - but then what else do I have - stay where I am in an emotional turnoil.  I need to take this slow steps with my hubby.

It's an interesting question; one that I thought was an obvious answer - but I feel it is quite technical.

I will give it a go but slow; its not something I can just jump into quickly; its a long process.

[Appleblossom]

@BlueBay

I have had a lot of difficulty dealing with unloving aspects of myself, and it keeps popping up its head as I and my life situation evolves.  You posted once, that jealousy was bad, almost as if you had to tell us not to let you off the hook too easily.  I had to learn to forgive myself for many thiings, that didnt mean that I glossed over things, but tried to see my situation and acknowledge its difficulties and my human failings.

I guess if our super ego .. or critic .. or  internal judge .. is too harsh .. it is harsh on others and ourselves.

I often struggled thinking about the difference between narcissism and genuine self love and feel the line is a bit arbitrary .. depending on the circumstances. I guess that if is it genuine love then it is not pathological .. so some people say ... love is all there is .. but I dont want to be glib .. I try and tease things out.

Gentleigh Bentleigh

@Former-Member I find your posts so mature and inspiring and am so glad you have come over to join Sane forums. 

Some of the things that concern me, given my weird and wonderful history: are unfortunate conflations of self-sacrifice, pain, death as the ultimate sacrifice, martyrdom, and other cultural tendencies towards suicidal impulses.

I am not sure if you have read my history, but my brother suicided at 33.  One person at his funeral mentioned that the date was no coincidence as Jesus Christ had died at 33 and we had endured a surfeit of religious imagery and neglect and attachment issues.  I dont want to distract from this conversation by going too much into my history but just put some concepts in perspective.

I feel it is important to know when we have to accept pain and struggle as unavoidable part of our life and when we over -valorise it. ....  Sometimes the most loving thing can be to accept the gift of life .. or affection offered by the cosmos.

I was out in my garden today and noticed a lot of action in my little court ... flash reconditioned old cars etc ..then 4 bridesmaids and photographer were using my garden on the verge as a backdrop ... wow .. I felt vindicated .. pretty girls in fancy dresses may be love .. but I think my quiet researching and weeding and planting and digging in the dirt is love too.  And my quiet decisions to keep staying alive in spite of it all ...

[Former-Member]

Hello dear @Appleblossom I feel the same way when I read your posts and appreciate you making me feel so welcome here.

Thank you for sharing some of your history, I had not a clue. If I am to be honest It was like a dagger driven through my heart when you stated what that person told you at your brother's funeral - if I felt that dagger I could only just start to imagine your pain. Heartbreaking. Warm hugs

I am not judging that person as that may have been their way of coping with tragedy or their misguided way of trying to help - but what a warped perception; in reality there was no such comparison. What madness. I am so sorry you had to endure this when you were already in such unspeakable pain. 

[QUOTE] Sometimes the most loving thing can be to accept the gift of Life [/QUOTE]

Ahh Yes, and what a precious gift it is.

We share a love of gardening! - this must be one of my most therapeutic pastimes and the love I put into it is always rewarded with abundance when I see that first flower open and a lush green tropical escape. I find peace when working in my garden like nowhere else.  I have a yellow angel trumpet flourishing in my front yard presently - and the heavenly scent that wafts from it is like no other. I will have to put a photo of it up on my profile.

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member The comment about the age of my brothers death was from a friend of my surviving sister and it was actually given in a spirit of care. He was just speaking his truth as he perceived it and our family. He was fairly distant and I was not offended by it. Compared to other comments it was kind. The daggers in my heart had been delivered in watching my family and siblings suffer. My brother died after 10 years of SH after my other sister had suicided earlier. 

Yes gardening has been grounding for me and I am reclaiming my sense of smell .. love to see your flowers.  I started more as a greenie into habitats and bush .. and drought tolerant plants but have eventually including a scented peace rose .. specially designed to encourage peace in Chicago.

Back to @BlueBay I have often been told love is not a feeling ... Our feelings come and go .. through times of dryness and abundance ... hope you are doing ok.